Better Frame of Mind

First off let me say thank you to everyone who posted on my last blog. I was very upset and angry about everything that day and thanks to ALL of you i have decided your right and im not going to let negative people upset me or make me stop doing things for my beautiful daughter. I also want to thank everyone who has donated things for Christmas and for those that wanted to. I am not going to put the list back up, not because of the negativity BUT because we have had a few people offer to help and i dont want to take away from other children in need, children who need things more then my girls do. My girls have LOVE and no matter what, they will not want for anything on Christmas or any other day of the year because THEY ARE LOVED!!! We have been pretty busy since the last blog, we are still planning Audrianna's fundraiser on Dec 9th @ That Bounce Place in Edwardsville, Pa from 3-9pm and its coming along very nicely..we have Santa coming, a photographer to take pictures of the kids, a bake sale and a basket raffle for the adults and a few vendors coming to setup tables and make a donation to Audrianna.Between getting ready for that and Audrianna gettin to all her appointments and going to school its been very busy.We have also done some fun activities such as going to the Majestic Theater in Pottsville to see a tribute to disney and the girls had a great time with there dear friend Reiley who played Belle.This weekend we went to Wilkes-Barre and spent time with some of our *Oncology Family* seeing santa clause and just have an all around great time. The girls got to play with there 3 adopted Aunties, Annette, Jennifer and Dari. Dari also took some beautiful pictures of them which for a mom with a child with an Illness of any sort, pictures that capture your child happy are worth more then a million dollars in the bank. Money can be spent and its gone, pictures hang on the wall forever, even if you lose that child, you always have that wonderful memory and there beautiful face captured forever in a state of happiness to help take away some of the sorrow.
We have been invited to another cookies for cancer event on the 4th of december in pittston so we will be there god willing and having fun.SANTA is coming to our house on Dec 11th on his sleigh for the girls and they are so excited. December 17th we get to meet Nellie from Nellie's Catwalk a wonderful cancer organization in ohio that is helping the girls with a few of the Bigger things they wanted for christmas.And then Christmas will be here and we will be celebrating the fact that Audrianna is HOME and having Christmas with Her family this year and we will also have our cake for Baby Jesus's Birthday because i like to make sure the girls know what christmas is all about, its not about the toys you get, its about Giving and Love. I know that with the love of my family and friends and all the people here and on FaceBook that Love My Daughter, we can get through anything.<3

Why do people hate??

It is a sad day when people start attacking the parents of a young child battling any type of disease because they are upset over the fact that her parents do fundraiser to help with medical costs and expenses.Because of these people and the fact that im tired of being accused of *using* my child to get things/money from people i have deleted the girls christmas wish list that so many of you asked me to post.I know the economy is hard on everyone right now and i know alot of people are worse off then we are and really if people didnt want to help they wouldnt have offered BUT i will find a way to help my children without having to be accused of anything from here on out.Yes we have had fundraisers for Audrianna just like every other family with a sick child has.What people dont understand is that there are so many other expenses other then insurance related ones when you have a sick child and life doesnt stop, the bills keep coming,just because you cant work because you have to stay home and take care of your child doesnt mean the rest of the world stops turning. There are gas expenses(which thank god now we have help with),food expenses,toys to make your child stop crying because you would give them anything to make them hurt less, Hotels,all things not convered by any type of insurance that you still have to pay.Where do people think this money comes from if not from fundraisers?? Audrianna spent 4 months in philly undergoing tandem stem cell transplants, that was 4 months we werent at home, 4 months we had to eat somewhere other then our house, gas back and forth to philly for my husband and all these things add up, its not like we have thousands of dollars in the bank or drive a fancy car or even a new car, we have a beater car for hubs work, and a 7yr old truck that i have put 50,000 miles on in 2yrs driving back and forth to treatments for my sick child!!!!I wish to god i could say this was a nightmare and we woke up and she had never been sick and our lives were normal(whatever that means)again, but unfortunately i cant and i really wish people would leave us alone. We are only trying to survive and provide for our child and our family the best we can.I am sitting here seriously thinking of deleting Audrianna's Wish page because of all this and i really wanted to convert it to a non-profit as soon as i could raise the funds to do that so i could start helping other families like ours,but i dont know, im so depressed and sad that people are really posting evil things on her fundraiser page:( I did not ask for this fundraiser, a very nice family that follows audrianna on her wish page and has met her numerous times and held a fundraiser for her once before asked me if they could hold another one for her.I love Larry and Katie and i was thrilled when they asked if they could once again sponsor audrianna because they love her, i dont know why this has to be such a problem for other people,really is it jealousy or are they just that sad? I have helped many people on audri's wish page, i am forever posting things for other children and other families and nobody says anything about that, BUT let me post a fundraiser for my own child and im being GREEDY and EXPLOITING my child for money...wtf that's just so wrong. My family will have a great christmas do you want to know why...BECAUSE WE WILL BE TOGETHER AND OUR DAUGHTER IS ALIVE,SOMETHING WE WERE TOLD ALMOST 2YRS AGO THAT SHE WOULDNT BE....so even if there are only a few things under the tree and a cake for baby jesus, my kids and i will be happy. Now for all of you that are so unhappy in your own lives that you have to attack us and belittle us do me a favor....GO AWAY AND GROW UP.

FIELD TRIP AND HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Audrianna had another milestone today, her first field trip in school!!! Again this is something we never thought would happen and it was the BEST DAY EVER! I took some pictures so that i could share with all of you and i also have pictures of them in the halloween costumes there dear friend Jamie bought for them and the Ming Ming Costume there Nana bought Kyra. I would love to thank each and everyone of you for all your prayers and support through all of this...Much Love....The Bartol Family

Exhaustion

Everyday as a mom i get up and take care of my children and hope to god and whoever else is listening that i am doing a good job, but somedays i just feel like a failure.I am tired all the time no matter what i do i cant get over the exhaustion. My Audrianna doesnt sleep for more then 4hrs at a time if im lucky she sleeps that long. And when she does wake up its because she is hungry and wants to eat eat eat or be driven around the block till she falls asleep. Most nights at between 2 and 3 am we are up and stay awake for hours, sometimes she doesnt fall back asleep till 6am and then her sister is awake 2hrs later. These are all symptoms of the cancer, the hospital routine she is used to living,the pain she still has in her belly and her groin from the hernias and her body just trying to recharge itself. I know all this in my head and i know none of this is her fault,but sometimes im just so angry that i cant goto sleep and stay asleep,and somedays the thought of waking up is just to much for me.I know im depressed hell im on medication for that, i think every Cancer Parent in the world is depressed.I try so hard to smile and work past the depression everyday and be a good parent, i even went to the doctor again today and asked for different meds...but i feel like im failing my kids when i dont have the energy to play with them because im so exhausted all i want to do is sleep. Audrianna goes to school 2 1/2 hours a day and Kyra is at home with me but she doesnt take naps anymore but god i wish she did!
Im supposed to go back to work in january and i dont know how im going to do it,if i cant sleep i dont know how i can do taxes and take care of other people's money, what if i make a mistake because im so tired?? Im questioning everything in my life right now and wondering if i can do any of it. I ask everyday please god give me the strength,the wisdom,the courage to carryon.I know my child has gone through more then i ever have or ever will have to and i know my problems are nothing compared to hers but somedays it all just feels like its caving in and i cant breathe.I really need a stress free weekend with no kids and no cancer just to recharge. Blah CANCER SUCKS! People think that once your child is N.E.D the worry stops but it doesnt i actually think it gets worse. Now there is a whole new set of worries,will she stay N.E.D. longer then 3 months this time,will i wake up and she will have a fever that takes us to the Er and someone tells us the cancer is back uugh is her sleeplessness a sign that her cancer is back,is the bloody nose she has had all day today a sign her platelets are low again because the cancer is back....ALL of those things run through your head everyday, it never stops. Just because a doctor tells you that your Child is N.E.D. they arent saying remission, they arent saying cured, they are just saying no evidence of disease for NOW and you drive yourself crazy thinking is NOW going to last??
My family is so distant from each other sometimes i dont know what to do to bring us back together, for the last yr and a half its been me and audrianna, kyra and her nana and poppa john and jim at home working, and i am so resentful of jim because he never had to deal with her sickness he lives in his bubble and if he doesnt admit she is sick she isnt,how does a family survive this?? Kyra grew up so much without me that i worry everyday she is going to resent her sister and hate me as she grows up. Audrianna is so used to having mommy to her self and so spoiled that now that we are home and with her sister everyday she doesnt want to share and i go crazy some days just saying NO dont stop that, NO dont be mean to your sister,I am her mommy too!Sometimes it just gets to be to much and i want to run away, but how do you run away from your sick child and your other child that needs you?? As a MOM you dont, you suck it up and you deal with it even if your dying inside and dont know how to fix it or change it...CANCER tears families apart or pulls them together and sometimes i feel like the *Rip* in ours cant be repaired but yet i keep trying so i dont lose my family. I just wish this was all a dream and id wake up from the nightmare that has been my life for almost 2yrs, that id wake up and my child would never have had cancer and we would never have had to hear those horrible words...YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER...Some of the most devestating words in the english language. Sigh guess i just need to get more sleep and keep pushing on and stop thinking about things that may happen and concentrate on what is happening now.

Sorrow and Happiness

This has been a very long emotional roller coaster of a month. My husband lost his job and audrianna's main source of insurance,then his unemployment got denied! So right now we have no income and have used most of Audrianna's savings account to pay the bills for the last 2 months so we didnt end up in the street,sigh. I worry everyday how i am going to keep a roof over my kids head, food in there mouths,and keep all the utilities on PLUS christmas is coming:( Why do things like this always happen around the holidays??Halloween is what 3 weeks away and the girls wants costumes i cant afford and momma cannot sew lmao me and sewing machines do NOT get along so we will be finding things in there closets to make homemade costumes this year no biggie. But hubs always had a xmas bonus we used to pay for xmas presents and now that he was fired he lost that too BLAh i know for adults xmas isnt a big deal but for a 2 and 4yr old it sure is,but whateve4r ill figure it out i always do...super mom to the rescue.
We lost 2 of our dear friends to Cancer this month, first Tim Martin a friend to every person he ever met passed away from esophical cancer and less then 2 weeks later we lost Dear Princess Emily who was only 4yrs old and one of *OUR KIDS* from our hospital and one of Audrianna's best friends. Nobody should ever have to bury there child and my heart is still breaking for Janet,i dont know how she is standing upright because i dont think i would be:( Emily's viewing was one of the hardest things i think i have ever had to do in my life,i was ok untill i saw her and kissed her goodbye,then i went outside and threw up because i just couldnt handle it and im not even her Mom,just her loving *aunt* More people need to know about OUR KIDS and More people need to fight this HORRIBLE DISEASE CALLED CANCER,dammit we need more funding for pediatric cancer so maybe they can work on finding a cure and no more mothers will bury there children!!!!This was the sorrow we felt this month and my beautiful 4yr old made herself feel better about Emmie by telling me...*It's ok Mommy My Angel Kelly is in Heaven and she will take Emily's Hand and show her around so she isnt scared* that was the saddest of all for me, i cried and cried that my baby even had to know what death was let alone be so damn wise about it! Any Cancer Parent can tell you our kids grow up way to fast and they are really Old Souls in babies bodies and it is so depressing because really all we want for them is to be kids and never have to think about Cancer or death again.
Our Good News and Happiness is overshadowed by the sorrow because we feel guilty that our baby is ok when someone elses child isnt:( BUT Audrianna is in remission and she is going to have one last surgery for a hernia reduction and then have her broviac/Port taken out.When i told her she asked me if she could have an I KICKED CANCERS BUTT PARTY lol i said yes and then had to think omg how will i pay for that!!!!! So even though we had the best news a cancer parent could ever ask for there is still worry and pain to go with it.Last time she was in remission it lasted 3 1/2months and the cancer came back,im terrified to let myself be happy about the remission because i feel if i do she will get sick again...stupid huh? Well welcome to being a cancer mom because all those stupid thoughts hit you over and over, along with the what ifs, what if i did this or what if i did that?What if i hadnt dont this or what if i had done that, all those things that will drive you crazy if you let them.
Oh well off to get Audrianna off the bus and try to think happy thoughts!

Bad Day for Mommy

Some days its just really hard to be a mom and thats for any mom not just me. BUT when your a mom with a sick child and a healthy child who is always fighting for attention because the sick child gets alot and they want what she has, some days its so hard to just not sit down wherever you are and just cry and never be able to stop.Audrianna is so spoiled from being sick because its just been her and me for so long that now she doesnt want to share me with her sister and poor Kyra has been left behind for so long that all she wants is the same amount of attention from mommy that her sister gets and its really hard to have them fighting all the time and not lose my mind.AND its really hard when ppl get mad at me because i give into audrianna when she cries just so i can stop her from crying or because i cant handle the tears anymore,but nobody else has to live in my shoes and nobody else has to deal with it day in and day out everyday. I feel like i cant take my children anywhere sometimes without people looking down on me because of how they behave and im always being told NOT TO SPOIL THEM but omg my child has Cancer, which may or may not be terminal how do i not spoil her?? What if tomorrow she isnt here and all i can think of is the things i didnt give her? And i know i spoil Kyra too because i dont want her to be left out and uugggh sorry its just been a rough day.Can my kids be bad...YESSSSSSSSS....But are they 2 and 4...YESSSSSSSSSSSS....is it there job to be whiny and cranky and spoiled and fight with each other...YESSSSSSSSSS...so why cant everyone just realize that and leave me alone??I dont take them alot of places by myself because its to hard to cut myself in 2 trying to hold them both and take care of them both when they are whining and because i get tired of everyone looking at me like im a bad mom. I try so hard to be a good mom and give them both all the things i never had and some days it would just be nice to be appreciated and hear someone say, Hey Your a Good Mom and have them mean it. All i have done for hours now is cry over every little thing because i cant seem to pull myself up out of the depression that has hit me today and i cant stop thinking of all the things im constantly told i do wrong or i need to do different when i think im a good mom and im doing the best i can with the circumstances that have been dealt.BLAH sorry for this long crappy post but i needed to vent somewhere and since i dont have anyone to talk to this is where i put all the emotion nobody cares to listen to. Sigh im gonna log off now before everyone that does read my blog stops because they dont want to read this kind of crap.You all want to know how Audrianna is doing and hear happy thoughts so here it is...she is doing great after a rough start for school today the day went well...just to let ya all know:)

Eventful Month

Ok sorry i haven't updated the blog in a while but its been a very busy and hectic month for us.Audrianna has had a whole month off from being in the hospital so we have been running running running to do things she wants to do.We went to Oncology Night at the Philadelphia Zoo and got to see some of the wonderful people that we met when we were in CHOP getting her stem cell transplants. Audri and Kyra loved the animals and had a great time, MOMMY loved seeing them smile and being with the other wonderful families that we now call *Family* again and seeing all our kids doing well.After that fun filled even we went to Sesame Place and the girls got to meet Abby Caddaby and Elmo, our dear friend Marietta sent us in a LIMO so that we wouldnt have to worry about driving there and back with 2little kids and fighting the traffic in Philadelphia.Audrianna and Kyra LOVED Sesame Place and we had the best day...we love you Marietta and thank you so much for making my girls so darn happy!! Then we had an awesome Fundraiser in Ronkonkoma NY that was hosted by our dear friend Gwen Cardaci and she managed to get her friend Aaron Carter to come out!!!!!!! Audrianna and her sister Both Love Aaron to pieces and he is now *Uncle Aaron* because to them he isnt someone Famous he is just a great guy who came out and sang and played on the floor with them with there coloring books:) We Love You Gwen and Aaron and thank You so much for making my family so happy, because believe me Happy isnt something we have had alot of since Audrianna was diagnosed with this Horrible Disease.After our Awesome day we drove into New Jersey and along the way got lost in Manhattan lol it was pouring rain and we couldnt see i n front of us but after we passed times square 3 times we finally found our way...YAY....gotta laugh about it because it was just one of those memories you wont forget. We spent the next day in the rain on the pier in Point Pleasant NJ and the girls got to goto the aquarium and ride all the rides(with a free pass we got from Give Kids The World when we stayed there for audri's Make-A-Wish) and even though it rained and it could have been a cranky miserable day...we just laughed it off and made the best of it and had a good time. THANKFULLY we drove home that night because the next morning my truck wouldnt start uughh the fuel pump went and cost us $500 to fix BUT again it could have been worse we could have been stranded in NJ and waiting for it to be fixed at a garage there, so we were just glad to be home when it happened.TODAY Audrianna started Pre-K which for Our Family is a HUGE Milestone considering when she was diagnosed in April of 2009 we were told she might not make it to her 3rd bday which was a month away and now she has made it to 4 and been cleared by her docs to start school...thank you god....she loved her bus driver and her teacher but she wasnt so sure about school till her *Boyfriend* Nathan sat down next to her and told her not to cry he would show her that school was ok....Thank God for the sincerity of 4yr olds and thank You so much Nathan we love you *Dawg*...Right now we are just trying to be a *Normal* family for as long as we can. In September the week of the 7th audrianna will be going through all her testing/scans to see if the tumor they found 6mnths ago is gone or not, but for now she looks good, feels good and we are just taking it one day at a time. If CANCER has taught us anything it's that You need to Live for today and LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING because you never know if tomorrow you will be. I just wanted to Thank everyone for all there love,support,prayers and ask you all to keep praying for Audrianna and hope to god we here the words N.E.D(no evidence of Disease) when she gets her new scans in september. BUT as a NB Family we know that even if you are N.E.D. today doesnt mean you can breathe easy because it can always sneak up on you and come back, BUT you take N.E.D. for as long as you can and you take one step/one fight at a time.We love you all...Goodnight!

Friends who become Family

Along the way in this journey that our family has taken we have met alot of wonderful people.I tell people all that time that before this experience it Thought i had friends, but now i know i have FAMILY.Alot of the friends i thought i would have forever and throughout my kids lives we lost when audrianna got sick and believe me we have heard every exscuse under the sun,from *it hurts us to see her like that* We dont know how to explain why she is bald to our children*It's just to painful for us to watch her suffer* and so on and so on.BUT then there are people that i hadnt talked to in 20yrs that saw my daughters story on facebook and went out of there way to contact me, help us with fundraising and things like that, people from high school that i had lost touch with and now because of my beautiful daughters fight they are back in my life and i am thankful. BUT most of all there is Our new *HOSPITAL FAMILY* All the people/children/moms/dads/siblings you meet along the way, and believe me they are now my best friends and definately my family.I have met so many wonderful moms and dads with there beautful children fighting horrible diseases and without there love and support i dont think id have made it through this last yr and a half.They give me the most Joy and the Most sorrow along the way,Joy when something GREAT happens such as one of *our* kids goes N.E.D and sorrow when we lose one of*our*kids to this nasty horrible disease called Cancer, or HLH,or Auto-Immune disease or Crohns or any of the other Horrible dibilitaing diseases our babies have. I just wanted to tell ALL of my friends/family that i love and appreciate you all so much!!! My Mom and my Stepdad John have been ROCKS through all of this, i never could have made it without them. Tracy from my daughters daycare who has medical problems of her own but puts them aside everyday to help others and who stepped up to help me when we needed it most. Michelle who has been there for me every step of the way...Dena my best friend and partner in crime always lol who is also Audrianna's godmother and does everything she can to make her happy and help keep her healthy.Gail Wright who kept me sane many a night when BOTH of our babies we fighting Neuroblastoma together,Janet Donovan who is fighting her own fight with our precious Emily's brain cancer who keeps me grounded,Caroline Dohrman who lost her precious boy to Neuroblastoma and is the STRONGEST Person i know because she walks back into that hospital to visit and she smiles and brings a smile to my baby's face even when being there has to make her sad:( Becky Blair who was the first NB mom i ever met and who shared her precious LULU with me and showed me that NB can be beaten, Reanne Waters whose precious Madacyn is fighting A.L.L. and who worries as much as i do so i dont think im crazy!!!Tara Kachurka whose baby emalee has NB and is undergoing stem cell transplant as we speak,Tisha whose son Karson has NB and we love so much, Jessica whose daughter Sophia has A.L.L and is undergoing a BMT right now, Jess whose Beautiful Daughter Kelsey has A.L.L and is heading to C.H.O.P for a BMT,these are the moms from Audrianna's Hospital and i love them all SOOOO MUCH And then we have our C.H.O.P. family who helped us through the ROUGHEST TIME in audrianna's treatment her stem cell transplants...(((LEE))) I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER(((Marti))) Your one of the best friends i ever had and i am so glad Macey is N.E.D.(((Rebecca))) I am so glad Jack is N.E.D.(((Shana)))i am over the moon that the BMT took and Maya is doing well(((Mandy and Bonita)))My sisters from another mother lol i am so glad Jess is doing great!((Ed))i am thrilled Maks is doing well(((Carol)))You kiss my Saniya for me i love You Both!(((Sledzinski Family)))Your Kelly was our inspiration and now she is our guardian Angel, Thank You for sharing her with us and thank You all for continuing to be a part of audrianna's Life!!! The picture im sharing on this post is Audrianna and Caine*Bubba*Wright her BFF for life who fought the fight of NB with her and who is now in Remission xoxoxo we love you Bubba!!

Stressfull week

This has been a very stressfull week in our house. Audrianna is alot of work by herself with the line care and the medicine and then add in a sick 2yr old and UUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh and did i say UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH? Also we have the worry for Audri and Kyra's Poppy who is in Manhattan at the VA Hospital and just had Major surgery to remove an aneurism off his Aorta in his tummy:( Poppy is in ICU right now and will remain there for a few days and then have at least 2 weeks of recovery time and he is very far from home and alone so please everyone keep him in your prayers:(....Thankfully today Kyra seems to be feeling better and we got to go out of the house and meet some nice people. Ellen at The Cyber Calf Restaurant was very sweet to the girls today and made sure they both got cream of broccoli soup and she humored Audrianna when she decided she didnt like turkey and wanted ham on her sandwich instead! Mike and Tony from Wazl came and met Audrianna and had her sign some of her Audrianna Bracelets for them with her initials! She was thrilled someone wanted her autograph lol it was really cute and it made her day. The Cyber Calf is selling Audrianna's Bracelets and her Vinyl Window stickers all you have to do is stop in and ask for them if you live locally. After the cafe we went to Nana's House for a bit, then we went to the Bizarre in the heights and let the girls play a few games, eat some food and dance. Once we left there we picked up Daddy from work, went to Bonanza for dinner with our favorite waitress there Rhonda and had a nice talk with an old friend Bernadette:) So the night ended on a better note then the day started THANK GOD. Going to put the girls to sleep right now and have them pray for poppy's speedy recovery...Night all!

Been a While

Hi Everyone,
I know i havent posted in a while but its been a very busy summer for us so far. Audrianna is doing very well right now, she completed her last round of chemo 2 weeks ago and we have been hitting the amusement parks since then!!!! The first week of september we will be getting new scans to find out if the tumor they found 6 months ago is gone or if its still growing. Audrianna's doctors are very optimistic and we are all hoping to here the words N.E.D.(no evidence of disease). It's very hard for me as a mom to get my hopes up because it seems like everytime that i do there is more bad news, so right now we are just living for today and hoping that tomorrow is as bright as right now.Audrianna is going to start Pre-school on August 25th which is a HUGE step for our whole family especially considering when she was diagnosed we didnt know if she would make it a month to her 3rd bday so this is an awesome Milestone!!!!! I want to thank all of you that pray for her daily and to everyone out there that has supported our family through all of this, Your love and support has helped keep us going. On a sad note another beautiful little girl named Katie passed away today from this Horrible disease called Neuroblastoma and our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with her family right now:(http://ourturkey.blogspot.com/ please pray that her parents and little sister can make it through this:(
I am thankful everyday that Audrianna seems to be getting better but omg the fear of relapse is never and i mean NEVER far from the front of your mind when your child has cancer:( I am including a picture of Audrianna and 2 of her beautiful friends from the Hospital. Karson is 18months and has Neuroblastoma like Audrianna and Sophia is 1yr old and has A.L.L Leukemia...these are Audrianna's Babies as she calls them lol!!!!
On a brighter note i added pictures of the Team Audrianna Bracelet and Vinyl Window sticker here and you can just click the paypal button to pay for them to make everyones life easier!
Thank You.....Angela aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy

God im so tired:(

I am so tired of my baby being sick and so tired of having to watch her in pain:(I just wish this nightmare was over and she was healthy and happy again. Unless people have walked in these shoes they dont understand, they say they do but they dont. Just like the doctors say oh we understand...BULLSHIT...unless they have lost or are in the process of losing a child they dont understand. They dont understand the anger that you feel, the anger at god,the anger at medical protocols and hospital beauracracy,the anger that you cant kiss your baby and make her feel better,i have so much anger and i dont know how to let it go because some days the anger is the ONLY thing keeping me standing upright.The docs dont get that the longer your here away from home and your support system the crazier you feel sometimes. Plus you get so attached to the other kids here that when something happens to one of them it's like something happening to one of your own, one of our friends here just relapsed with leukemia for the 4th time,she is a beautiful girl and has had leukemia since she was 3 and now she is 18 and relapsed yet again,this time she needs a stem-cell transplant and a donor to survive. HOW can you tell me is that fair and what has this child done to hurt anyone and why is she suffering? AND OMG if one more peron tells me that GOD DOESNT GIVE YOU MORE THEN YOU CAN HANDLE i think ill just start screaming and NEVER STOP!!! Ok sorry i guess im done feeling sorry for myself now on a Better note. The docs upped the pain meds audrianna is getting by mouth and it's not killing the pain but it's helping keep her sedated enough that she isnt screaming in pain which is better,as far as im concerned if she sleeps through this 5days stretch and wakes up feeling better thats fine with me. I guess since she is finally sleeping i should get some sleep since neither of us have slept much in the last 2 days and im so emotionally and physically exhausted its not even funny.sigh,night all and thanks for letting me vent!

I HATE HOSPITALS AND THERE STUPID FUCKING RULES

Ok so today has been the shittiest day ever so far grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!Audrianna is supposed to be on a Pain Pump(PCA) of Dylaudid for pain management while she gets this round of chemo and she has had it twice before BUT now the hospital is saying the way they did it before was an ERROR and they can't do it without an IV!! Audri doesnt want an IV and started screaming the minute they mentioned IV and last time she had one she tried to pull it out uughh. I have been fighting with them all goddamn day to get the PCA and nope they wont do it becaue pharmacy wont sign off on it SOOOOOO now she is getting oral meds that dont work as well:( Doctors are tellin me that by wednesday she will probably be in so much pain we will be begging for the damn IV but right now im sticking to my guns and making them leave her alone. So at this point im afraid to even leave her room incase someone goes in there and does something without me there....UUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i Just want her to be better goddamit i just want her not to have to suffer anymore...is that to much to freaking ask??? I am so damn angry i swear to god i just want to punch someone and the next person that gets in my face i might, so ya'll might see me on the news lol Local Neuroblastoma Mom Loses her Cool and beats up the doctor! Ok i have to go so her dad can leave i'll update more later!

Day 4 of chemo

Yesterday was just as horrible as the day before. The day started out ok and she played with her nurse and had a good day, then the chemo pain started and she was beyond miserable. My parents brought Kyra to visit again and audrianna wanted her in the room one minute and wanted her gone th next,then poor Kyra cries because she has to leave and audri cries and im torn in 2. It sucks when you have to leave one child behind to take care of another, i pray everyday that Kyra wont grow up to hate me for leaving her or resent her sister because i had to!My mom tells me Kyra is a baby she isnt going to remember any of this but the mom part of me says she is 2yrs old and she breaks my heart when i have to leave her even though i know her grandparents take great care of her, sigh, mommy guilt sucks!Audrianna needs me right now she is sick and in pain all the time and i cant cut myself in 2 no matter how much id like to find a way to do just that. Today is the last day of this cycle of chemo and now audrianna has a high fever and they are going to start Iv antibiotics and hope the fever passes overnight, if not we will prolly be here for the weekend,sigh just one more holiday spent in here. Our trip to disney is next friday so im really hoping that the fever passes and she stays well so we can go because she is so looking forward to it and we need time as a family to just be *Normal* She had a smile a mile wide today when she got a package from Stephanie in the mail today from KanesChicBoutique!!! Stephanie sent audrianna and kyra each a beautiful minnie mouse dress with there names embroidered on them and audri had to try hers on and show all the nurses and take pictures with everyone lol it was the best feeling to see her so happy!!!Then of course she got sick and asked for medicine and went to sleep, thankfully she is sleeping peacefully now, but i doubt she will make it through the night asleep because she has a horrible cough that keeps waking her up. Please everyone pray for a good night and for her fever to pass and stay gone!If we get out of here tomorrow ill post the pics of her in her dress.

Chemo SUCKS!!!!!

Audrianna is having a very hard time with this chemo:( she is in alot of pain and really miserable. First day of chemo they couldnt get her pain meds right and she screamed for 8hours straight, hit me, kicked me, threw me out of her room and then screamed for me to come back uughh it was HORRIBLE! Today is day 2 of this nasty round of chemo and the day started out ok because they increased her meds but as the day went on the pain got worse and she got upset and miserable again and screamed at everyone to leave her alone when my family came to visit she threw them out of her room. Now she has finally screamed herself to sleep again:( This is the worst part, the part where i cant make it better, where nothing i do or say helps her past the pain and i feel so helpless and worthless,as her mom i should be able to make everything better BUT unfortunately i cant make cancer better no matter what i do:(I pray everyday for the strength just to get through to the next day and for her to fight this and get well, please god answer my prayers already!

Upcoming Hospital Stay

Tomorrow Audrianna goes back into the hospital for her next round of chemo Blah. I am hoping that this round wont be as bad as the last 3 were, but i know she will be on a pain pump and im just hoping this time it keeps her comfortable. Audrianna has been filling her days with fun things to do like she is afraid there wont be another day to do anything fun, which makes me worry so much that she knows something i dont but again it's prolly just me being a paranoid mom!!Yesterday she went to *That Bounce Place* In Edwardsville and had the best day just having fun with her sister and being a kid.Today we went to the italian festival in our public park and she got to ride the ponies and go in the jumpy house soooo she was thrilled to pieces and was very mad when it rained and she couldnt ride the ponies again lol typical kid.As her mom im trying so hard to stay positive and think she is beating this she is going to kick cancers ass BUT i am terrified of the new scans they are going to do in June when we come home from disney,if those scans give us bad news i dont know if ill be able to handle that, but again as her mom i'll have to handle it:( So everyone out there praying for Audrianna please pray that the new scans in June come back Clear, that the cancer hasnt spread or turned into live tumors because if it has then this fight gets so much harder yet again! Ok for now im going to try and be postive and happy and i'll keep everyone updated on here this week as to how she is doing with the chemo!

Audrianna's birthday

Audrianna had the best birthday ever...and thats a direct quote from the now 4yr old!~ She had an awesome time and if you could have seen her smile when *Hannah* came into the room, nothing else mattered! She forgot to be a sick kid today and she was just a beautiful little girl having the time of her life dancing and singing with her new best friend *Hannah Montana* Thank You So Much Gwen!!! And thank you to everyone from the Just like hannah Show!!!As her mom it's moments like these that are so rare and precious, days where all she does is smile and remember to be a kid, not a sick kid. I know that today is a memory that will stick with all of us forever, Audrianna and Kyra both got to sing the Best of Both worlds with there idol and The Climb, and mommy cried like a baby because they were both so happy. The look on Audri's face when she saw Hannah today was priceless and its a memory that will be with me when im old and grey and forgetting everything lol but i will never ever ever forget that look because it's the Happiest i have seen her since she was diagnosed with Cancer. We met alot of great people today,Anette and Her daughter from Aimee's Army came and it was wonderful to meet them and we hope to goto there walk against childhood cancer in september! Gwen and her mom and all the people from the Just Like Hannah Show who are all such amazing people. So many people that came out just to meet Audrianna i cant even keep them all straight in my head. There were lots of Old and New Friends.It was great to have Kelly's Uncle Henry and Aunt Holly there even though it was bittersweet because we all Miss Her so Much....Happy Birthday In heaven to Audrianna's Bff Forever!!!!! Thank You to Woody Wolfe for coming to sing and making this day even more Amazing because he was there. Kelsey, Lindsay and Erleen our wonderful friends from *clinic* thank You for coming out and Playing Princesses for Audrianna even though i know you didnt feel well Kelsey!!!Thanks to ALL the people from news 13(Kristen,Nikki,Christina,Bob)that came out and helped today and from Upside Down Town(Tracy,Liz,Pam) you all ROCK and we Love You. Thank You to Kristan and *Sweet Sensations Bakery* And all there wonderful friends that came to help and brought food and everything else that helped make the party a success. Thanks to Rainbow the clown for making all the kids happy. Thanks to Pony Paradise for coming and setting up the pony rides and the petting zoo and to DJ MIXX for Jamming out, and a Big Shout out to Chris and Linda for taking all the pictures,And Amy from LcCreations for Making our Wonderful Team Audrianna Tshirts, omg i hope i covered everyone!!!!!! Oh wait no i didnt, Thank You to Caroline and Dave Dohrman for coming out to celebrate even though i know it had to be rough for them to be there, we LOVE YOU!!Thank You Dr.Tom and Laura for coming out she loved having you there.And Thank You to ALL of my WONDERFUL FAMILY MEMBERS AND BEST FRIENDS that came today and helped Make this day so special for Audrianna. I LOVE YOU MOM, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!! Ok now i am also going to say thank you to everyone lol there incase i missed anyone that EVERYONE covers it. We love you all so much and Audrianna's Day was perfect because you were all there to share it with her.My Wish is that we will all be able to share it next year. Goodnight everyone and to all the Mom's out there, Happy Mothers Day!!

Knoebels

Audrianna went to knoebels with her Grandparents today and she had the best time! AWhen she got home she told me she rode the roller coaster with Poppy and she had her hands in the Air lol and poppy yelled but she didnt, hehe gotta love a 3yr old. She also went on the train which is one of her favorites and she did the cars and the whip with her uncles. Audri doesnt care for the slow rides she is a daredevil and likes to go on the fast/scary thrill rides, i think its because since she has had cancer nothing else is as scary as what she goes through everyday. It is now 12:30 and she just made her dad take her to mcdonalds because she is to hungry to sleep and wanted a chicken sandwich lol between McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken we are going to go broke feeding her!!!!!! I am just happy she eats and i dont care if i have to spend every last dime to give her *the fat belly* she wants. She told her doctors she needed to get a Big butt and a Fat belly so her pants stop falling off! I think by the time she comes back she will be asleep in the car and will have to eat her chicken sandwich tomorrow:) Ok im gonna post more tomorrow before we goto the hospital. night all

Very LonG Week

Well we are home after a very long week and of course Audrianna didnt sleep all night because she is still on hospital time!Mommy is very tired and audri is awake and as soon as she opened her eyes she asked to go with her Poppy for the day so YAY mommy gets a bit of a break but i still have to go pick kyra up from Nana's house so i can spend the day with her.Today is our one full day home and then Sunday night we go back to the hospital to be checked in for ALL OF NEXT WEEK again for the 2nd round of this chemo. Next week is going to be very hard since Audrianna is going to get 2 chemos at the same time and the one makes her very sick and she will have to be hooked up to a pain pump the whole time to keep her comfortable.I am not looking forward to next week, watching her suffer really is the worst part of all of this. I am glad she went with her poppy today, he took her to Knoebels Amusement Park so she can ride the rides and be a kid for the day since its opening day! It's all she has been talking about for a month and i thought we were taking her but since she hasnt seen her grandparents all week she wanted to go with them and i let her so i could get laundry done to go back to the hospital and i could spend some alone time with her sister. Ok off to shower and go pick-up kyra!!!!!

Pain Ouch Pain!

Audrianna is having some pain this hospital stay but not from the chemo, from the fluid retention that made the groinal hernia pop out again!!So they are treating her with Dylaudid and having a surgeon come look tomorrow to make sure its not time for surgery ughh. Mommy is in pain to because Audrianna had a top heavy IV Pole and when i was pushing it the stupid thing fell over and i had to try and catch it before she got hurt.SOOOOOO lets just say my arm is throbbing and it feels like i pulled something out of place in my shoulder and my leg is black and blue where it hit me:(
It's always something in this place and well MOMMY is CLUMSY lol so i guess i need to be more careful before i end up in the bed next to audrianna. Sigh and mommy is mad because the people at T-Mobile are IDIOTS and couldnt help me fix my phone so i cant dial out on my modem and i cant get on facebook where i can at least talk to people to try and save some of my sanity each day,sigh. If the bitching and venting on here gets to much i appologize in advance but well i dont have anywhere else to vent to. Audrianna is finally sleeping peacefully so i guess i should go get some sleep since its the first night of our stay that she has been asleep before 4am and i am so exhausted but my brain is on over-ride and wont shutoff because im over-tired:( Oh well off to try and shut off my brain....Night All

Bad Day,Better night

This day started out really bad, we found out Audrianna has to be here till friday then she gets to go home and has to come back Sunday night to be readmitted for another week. PLUS our dates with the hospital that we gave to make-a-wish were all wrong due to an error so now we have to cancel our trip and redo all our plans grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!MOMMY was mad and on a rampage today and then i left the hospital for a while took a deep breathe and went to a jewelry fundraiser for audrianna.I want to say thank you to Robin Gruver for holding the fundraiser and to all the people that came out to support audrianna and our family!! Lynn again thank you for the beautiful video of our daughter its something we will always cherish.Thank You to Maria who lost her aunt and instead of flowers asked everyone to make a donation to audrianna, i cried so hard when i read that, everytime someone does something amazing like this it redeems my faith in people.Thank You to the 11th Graders from Holy Reedemer Academy(hope i spelled that right)who took time out of there busy social lives to come to the hospital tonight and meet me and audrianna and there wonderful teacher who brought them! This day started out bad but it has gotten better thank god for all of you who help me keep my sanity. Now i must get off here and go finish making audrianna's potpie because she is awake and hungry!

Calm Now

Ok now that Audrianna has recieved pains meds and is sleeping i have had time to calm down and stop hating the world.It's very hard to watch your child suffer and not be able to do anything about it. Not only is she in pain and suffering but the boredom is driving her crazy, she cant stand being locked in this room.The doctors have decided that if she does ok through the night then she can take a portable monitor with her to the playroom with her nurse so she doesnt have to be locked in the room for the whole 5 days!!!!!! Thank You God for listening because otherwise we were both going to lose our minds.These rooms are small to begin with and then when you cant leave they get even smaller. I have been trying to keep her positive all day and give her things to occupy her mind but mostly it didnt help:(I am really just praying she has a quiet night and tomorrow she can take a walk to the playroom and make herself happy because i cant stand seeing her sad! I am hoping i can sleep tonight,we have a very nice nurse name Meg buti am still uncomfortable having a nurse sitting in the room while i try and sleep,sigh,guess i need to get over myself.Ok i am going to try and get some sleep before audrianna wakes up crying for me because im not laying in her bed. Night all keep praying for us!Love Audrianna and her Mommy!

GRRRRRRRRRRR HOSPITALS

Ok so we were told to checkin to the hospital sunday night so that her chemo could start bright and early monday morning...YEAH RIGHT. Her chemo orders were messed up so they didnt start it till 2p, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i am so frustrated. Oh and then they tell us oh by the way this is a continuous 96hr chemo and she cant leave her room because she has to be on the monitor for the next 4 days straight omg im ready to hang someone right now.SOOOOOO on top of all that we have to have a nurse in the room round clock 24/7 which means no privacy whatsoever uughh uughh uuggh. I feel like crying,audrianna is crying and this stay is already crap!!!

Nana's Bday and Weekend with Family

Audrianna had a very nice weekend with out family from New Jersey that came to visit for her Nana's Birthday.She has her up and down moments where she feels GREAT and then she feels YUCKY but she still manages to be a kid and have a good time. She loves her Aunt Liz, Aunt Lovie, Aunt Gail, Aunt Pammy and Cousing Jen and had a great time visiting with all of them.She is a little sad today because they are all going home but she knows she will see them again so its ok.She had so much fun helping her Nana blow out the candles and then Making weird hats and face masks.I just wanted to quick let everyone know she is doing good!

Beautiful Birthday Dress and New Friends

Audrianna had a very good day today,She got a BEAUTIFUL Ariel TuTu Dress from the Wonderful TuTu Fairy! When Audrianna tried on her dress she said look at me mommy im a princess and started spinning in circles she loved it so much.One of the best things for me as a mom is seeing that beautiful smile on her face! Some days her smiles are few and far between but today she smiled all day long. After getting her wonderful dress we went to Burger King where she loves to Play on the playplace and we met some new friends.Riley and her Aunt Sandy came to vist and meet Audrianna.Riley is a wonderful girl 12yrs old that sings and performs and she wants to help Audrianna, and even if nothing comes of it, it was so great to meet her!Sandy and Riley brought gifts for the girls and they LOVED the bubble wands we played for hours with them thanks! Also got an awesome call today from a Hannah Impersonator from Ny who wants to come and perform for Audrianna at her Birthday Party!!!!!!!!!! So even if we dont get to meet the real Hannah THIS is going to be wonderful and Audrianna is going to be over the moon.This lovely lady and her daughter joined audrianna's wish page and then messaged us asking to do this, this renews my faith in people.Even though there are some people out there that are morons and bad mouth our family just for trying to get a WISH for our daughter, there are still people out there that understand all we are trying to do is MAKE HER HAPPY! I want to thank all of you on her wish page for helping her be happy xoxoxo we love you all!!!

Audrianna's Wish and News Coverage

Ok i have to say i am completely amazed at all the wonderful people out there that are trying to help audrianna get her wish!!!!When Heather started the wish page for Audri i never expected all this attention omg in 4 days over 30,000 fans.Our Local newspapers and News Station have picked up the story and run with it, Maybe just Maybe she will get her wish after all!!!! I just want to say Thank You to EVERYONE that is trying to make this happen for my beautiful babygirl. I also want to thank all the people offering to do fundraisers and helping to raise money for her medical expenses.It has been a year since Audrianna's diagnosis and it has not been an easy ride and it has been very financially draining on our family, so the outpouring of help from all of you touches my heart in a way that i cant even describe.I am sitting here completely choked up writing this, the feelings i have right now im not even sure i can put into words other then.....GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
Love the Bartol Family

MRI Results

We got a phone call at 8:30am this morning from Doctor Ramdas to let us know the MRI was CLEAR!!!He says because this scan is clear they are going to keep her on the ILP Chemo that she has been on and then they will test her again soon.The spots they say on the MIBG scan may have just been Hot Spots in the original tumor beds but it does not look like at this time that they are NEW TUMORS!! I am thrilled for my baby but i am also afraid to believe it, with Neuroblastoma your always waiting for the other shoe to drop.The Mom part of me is jumping up and down for JOY that after a full year she may be on the path to recovery. The Cancer MOM part of me is terrified that this to could be something temporary and the next test could show something different....BUT im shutting the cancer mom part of me up with CHOCOLATE and im thinking POSITIVE!!!!!! lmao
Thank You all so much for Your love and Prayers and please continue to pray for her as her battle is far from over!!!!

MRI TOMORROW

Audrianna is going for her MRI tomorrow to see the new tumors in her Liver and on her Vena Cava with a closer look and hopefully find out if they can be biopsied to see if they are live or dead cells and if the treatment she is on is working or if we need to switch to a new course, please keep her in your prayers tonight!This has been a very scary 2 weeks not knowing what course of action they are going to take for our girl:( all we know is they are tellin us not to wait on things like her make-a-wish, to do them as soon as we can.As a mom this terrifies me because if they are saying to move things up so she doesnt miss them it makes me feel lik they are preparing for the worst.The doctors say its because the course of treatment she is going to undergo could make her ill and she wont want to go anywhere later, either way its very scary!I am terrified of the results of this MRI although i feel in my heart that the tumors are going to be live cells just like they originally said and i cant make myself think otherwise because then if/when they are live cells id be devestated all over again.Being the parent of a critically ill child SUCKS,there is no way around it, you have to make decisions and here things that no parent should ever have to do. No Parent should ever have to outlive there child and no parent should have to watch there child suffer.Ok just sitting here talking about this im getting hives im so freaked out so its time to log off. Thank You all in advance for your prayers!
P.S.
Im Adding a family picture of all of us at EASTER so everyone can see how beautiful her and her sister were!

Good day with family

Audrianna's night didnt go so well with all the pain from the chemo but she has had a good morning so far,her cousins came to visit this morning.Our family is so spread out that we dont get to see alot of them and abby and tyler live in virginia beach with there mom,stepdad and new baby brother Abram.Today Audrianna and I got to see all of them and hold the new baby, she was thrilled to hold a new baby and play with her cousins.Today for 2hours she was a normal kid, playing ball in the hallway and coloring with Abby and Tyler.Tyler was being goofy just to make her laugh and hearing her laugh again gives me hope.The resiliance of a child is amazing,her body is in pain but her spirit is not.I cried in the bathroom where she couldnt see me while she was laughing and playing with her cousins, i cried with grief and joy,joy that she was so happy and grief that this laughter might be something that is going to be so far apart.She is so tired after playing and with the chemo running but she is fighting it because she knows other people are coming to visit her today.She also doesnt want to drink and has developed a bad cough that the doctors are watching:( But at least for 2hours she got to dance and laugh!

Bad Night

Audrianna had a very bad night the chemo she is recieving right now is very harsh and the pain in her belly was very bad.She is on a Dylaudid Pain Pump and it still wasnt helping her, the doctors say the pain she is having is Like when a diabetic has Neuropathy in there feet except its all over her body and 100 times worse:( I have Neuropathy from my diabetes and i know how bad i hurt so i cant even imagine the pain my baby is going through right now:( Today they have upped her pca so that her dose of Dylaudid is double what she was getting last night and it seems to be helping some but she is still complaining about the belly pain. The doctors still havent decided what course of treatment they are going to use to fight these 2 new tumors, they are consulting the Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia where Audrianna recieved her stem cell transplants and the Childrens Oncology Group to see which is the best course of action for her.One of our Docs is very blunt and always give you the news straight forward and told us yesterday that since she already underwent 2 stem cell transplants if the MIBG Therapy didnt work then we would be taking her home to let her be a kid for as long as she could before she got to sick to play with her sister:( I am hoping and praying that this doesnt happen and this therapy works for her. I dont know how to do this, i dont know how to start preparing myself that this might be the end so im going to keep looking forward and not think that way because she is a Fighter, she fought so hard to get here she can fight to kick it again. As her mom Im TERRIFIED that i may lose my child but i also know that i cant let her or her sister see that and i have to smile and go on with life because thats what she needs from me. No matter how upset i am this is about my girls not about me. I will try and update more later i need to get back to the room and sit with her during her chemo, thank you all for your kind words and prayers we love you!

Sad day

Sadly we were told by the doctors today that Audrianna has relapsed.The MIBG scan showed 2 new tumors, one wrapped around her vena cava and one in her liver.They arent sure if surgery is an option to remove them or not. Right now they are keeping her on her Protocol and running the ILP chemo and hoping since the tumors are small that it might kill them. If this doesnt work we will be going back to CHOP for MIBG Therapy and if that doesnt work we will be going home to let her be a child for as long as she has left on this earth. I am trying so hard to be optimistic and hopeful but its really hard for me right now. Everytime i look at her i think but she looks so happy, she has hair, how can there be something else threatening her life again!!!! And then i think F*ck you Neuroblastoma you rotten B*stard grrrrr stay away from my child. My child is supposed to grow up and find a cure for cancer you cant take her now.I am praying very hard to audri's angels up in heaven to watch out for her...Kelly, Tanner,Hudson,Ashley please make sure you watch over her for me,whether it be here on earth or in heaven i need to know you are taking care of her.I need to get back to her right now but i will post more later and let everyone know her progress:(

MIBG SCAN Not the News we wanted

You would never know by looking at my child, other then the semi-bald head that she isnt healthy but today we were told she has spots on her liver which could mean the cancer is back.This is every parents worst nightmare, relapse. We were told there was a 90 percent chance she was in remission because her last 2 CT scans were clear and not to worry about the MIBG because if the CT is clear the MIBG is usually clear and she would be in remission. YEAH RIGHT!!! As an NB Mom or any Mom of a child with a life threatening disease You NEVER stop thinking in the back of your head that things can come crashing down in an instant. Today we were expecting to hear N.E.D. and instead we heard Liver Lesions(or howerver you spell it) and in an instant everything changed, all the Fear of the last year came rushing back and when i looked at my child, just for a minute i lost the faith that has been keeping me standing. I lost the faith to believe that this was NOTHING that just because there is a spot doesnt mean its Cancer, I lost the faith to believe that God is going to get her through this and i was SO DAMN ANGRY AT GOD FOR NOT KEEPING HER SAFE!!!! Uggh i know that this horrible disease is not anyones fault it's just something that happens, but that is so much easier to rationalize when its not Your Child!!! I cant let my baby see me cry because then she worries and im supposed to be strong for her, but it is so hard to be strong all the time. We have so many friends and family praying for her and pulling for her that she just has to beat this is what i tell myself, that with so many prayers how can god not hear us and heal her?? And yet while im having those thoughts i also think about all the NB Angel's god has given wings in the last year, and then i try not to crumble all over again. I know every child is different and every case is diferent, logically i know that, but my heart and my head are so not working together right now. My heart is terrified that i will lose her, my head says dont worry she will be fine, which one do i listen to?? I wish someone out there could help me understand why this nasty disease called Cancer is in our world AND why if children are innocent and without sin do they get cancer and die?? Ok i guess i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize my child is healthy today and this could be nothing and start doing something to make myself feel better....thank you all for your prayers:) I am attaching a picture of Audrianna and one of her best friends Emily Donovan who had her last chemo yesterday and also needs prayers to make sure her MRI comes back clear next month!!!!

Good News

Today was a very long day driving to Geisinger for the injection for Audrianna's MIBG Scan which she gets tomorrow. I had to Hunt down and Badger Dr Taylor but i finally got him to show me the CT Scan and tell me that there were no known signs of Neuroblastoma on the scan!!! Tomorrow is the big day we have the MIBG and the Bone Marrow tests to see if she is clear. Please god let her be clear, its almost a year and its time for her to be a healthy little girl again. I am so sick to my stomach thinking about tomorrow, just because the CT came back clear doesnt mean the MIBG will and it scares me to death that i may have gotten my hopes up for nothing. And i also know that just because she is clear now doesnt mean she will stay that way forever because Neuroblatoma is a tricky bastard and it hides and then our babies can relapse:( BUT god willing that will NOT HAPPEN to my child.Audrianna has alot of Angels up there watching out for her. Tanner, Hudson, Kelly,Ashley,Layla,Sophie, they will all make sure she pulls through this and continues to make the world a better place with her smile. My heart goes out to all the parents that have had there babies become Angels, i cant say i know what they feel everyday, but i can say i understand the fear they must have felt along the way:(
Ok i am going to goto bed now since tomorrow is going to be a very very very long day. I will post as soon as we know any results and thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers! Love Audrianna and Kyras Mommy:)

Mommy Day

Today was a very relaxing day for mommmy. Both the girls went to Poppy and Grannys house and mommy got to clean up and rearrange the furniture finally! Then i went shopping with my girlfriend michele and her daughter and out to eat without a child crying mommy get this for me or mommy she spilled my milk or mommy can i eat your food!! LOL i LOVE my girls more then anything in the world but every once in a while everyone needs a mommy break.By the time i came home the girls were asleep because poppy dropped them off to daddy and he put them to bed.I NEVER miss bedtime so i was a little sad about not kissing them goodnight but on the other hand it was very nice to just come home and sit down, watch tv, go on Facebook, check my email and do the blog without anyone crying.Tomorrow is Kyra's daycare day so we will be up and out of the house early to drop her off and then Audrianna and i will find something to do together till its time to pick sissy up. Kyra goes to daycare twice a week when we arent at the hospital just so she can stay in her routine for the times we are at the hospital.Kyra loves her daycare and all her friends and she waves by to me when she gets there and is happy to be with her friends till i come back which i am thankful for everyday. One of my friends owns the daycare and she is a WONDERFUL WOMAN (Love ya Tracy)who took my kyra free of charge because she knew we couldnt afford to pay and that Kyra needed some type of structure in her poor little life.It's people like Tracy and all the othe *Angels* in our lives that have given me back the faith i had lost in the world, they made me believe there are still good people out there. Anyway time for Mommy to get some rest night all:)

Easter egg hunt and Easter Bunny

Last year for Easter we were in the hospital being diagnosed with Neuroblastoma and my daughter cried not because she was sick but because she was afraid the bunny wouldnt be able to find her! This year for Easter we are waiting for results to tell us if she is N.E.D. AND she got to goto an Easter Egg Hun and Meet the Easter Bunny!!!!! What a difference a Year makes and i am so thankful to the powers that be for letting her have this experience today, for giving her quality of life this Easter so that she could meet the bunny. It's funny because we are going into the hospital on the 29th of march to start the immunotherapy and we will be home 2 days before Easter and again all she was worried about was missing the bunny lol but i had to promise her we would be home and get to spend it with her sister this year....SO GOD....NO SURPRISES....Dont make me have to break that promise or ima get medieval on your Arse!!!!!!
Ok now that im totally exhausted after a very long fun filled day with my girls and some awesome friends its time to call it a night!

Waiting Sucks!!!!

Well we waited all day for the Doctor to call us and NOthing not a damn word grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.The worst part of this Horrible nasty god forsaken disease is the waiting. Waiting to know if the biopsy came back as cancer, waiting to know if the chemo is working, waiting to know if the 8hr surgery for the tumor disection worked,waiting to see if the stem cell transplants worked,waiting waiting waiting grrrrrrrrrr. It seems like in the last year ALL we have done is wait!I am so sick of waiting i could screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I just want to know if my baby is Better,I just want to be able to say to her YOU DID IT, YOU BEAT CANCER!! Dammit i don't want to wait anymore and now i have to wait till Monday, sigh. I know that just because they tell us she is N.E.D. doesnt mean she is out of the woods, it doesnt mean it cant come back, BUT it does mean its gone for NOW and now is all we can ask for. In the world of pediatric cancer, or any life threatening pediatric disease for that matter all we can do is live for the NOW and never take anything for granted. If you child feels good that day, you feel good that day.What i learned through this Journey is live for today because tomorrow may not come and maybe thats why the waiting drives me so crazy, what if im so busy waiting that i miss something important in her life! Ughh im in a really bad, scared, cranky mood and maybe i just need to take my pissy ass to bed! Night all xoxo thanks for keeping up with us!

Fundraiser for Audrianna

Today one of the *Angel's* we have met along the way during Audrianna's Journey let us know that she designed a dress and there will also be a matching tote for Audrianna and she is going to do an Online Fundraiser for her!!! People like Robbin Kizer from One Child Too Many, Heather Liley from Pick Your Pocket Studio,Amy from LC Creations,Pam from if the bow fits,Kim from the Blanket fairy, They have all given me back the belief that there are good People in this world still.I just wanted to say THANK YOU to each and every one of them and all the other people out there that have helped my baby through this journey.Sometimes the smallest things can make a child smile and thats all it takes to make everyone around them feel good. My daughter didnt have alot to smile about in the last year but she did it anyway and now thanks to all these beautiful people she has alot to smile about. Audrianna is waiting for the Mailman everyday, she cant wait to get her beautiful hats, bows and dresses, AGAIN thank you all. And ROBBIN a special thank you to you for helping us financially when we had to stay in a hotel away from home for 4 weeks and couldnt afford to do it on our own, your foundation which is new and doesnt have alot of money yet, still managed to help us and we love you for it!!!!
Ok i guess im done being sappy and here are the details of Audrianna's fundraiser and the link to her BEAUTIFUL DRESS!!!


Heather Lilley from Pick Your Pocket Studio Is doing a Fundraiser for Audrianna and the dress she has made is ready so they can start taking orders now! $10 from each dress will be donated towards Audrianna's medical expenses. If you would like to order your very own dress, please visit her website. Shipping time is about 3 weeks, but should get shorter as they have taken on a 3rd seamstress. Thanks!(I cant seem to get the hyper link to work so you can click it so please just copy and paste it to your browser to see the dress) http://pickyourpocketstudio.com/audrianna-p-111.html

Day at the Hospital

So today was a very long stressfull day. We had to be at the hospital by 10am and we didnt leave the hospital till almost 5pm. Audrianna couldnt eat all day because she was going to be sedated at 3pm for a Cat Scan soooooo needless to say she was very miserable because she wanted food.Mommy and Daddy couldnt eat either because its just RUDE to eat in front of your child that cant have anything even if Your starving and you have diabtes and are supposed to eat every few hours.So by the time we left the hospital we were all starving and cranky but we went to Audrianna's favorite chinese buffet and she had the Hibatchi guy cook shrimp with brown sauce for her and then everyone was happy!! Now we WAIT for the results of the CT to see if they find anymore tumors(god please dont let that happen) or if they see nothing at all!! Then Next week we have the MIBG Scan and if both are clear she will be N.E.D.(no evidence of disease).Then we are having the biggest bday party for her in May and its going to be a bday/I kicked cancers Ass party!!!!!!!!!!! So everyone please keep your fingers crossed and your prayers coming that my beautiful little girl comes through this horrible disease on the Good side and we can have one more Warrior not one more Angel gettin her wings:)

Sisterly Love

Audrianna is a a Great big Sister! Her little sister Kyra just turned 2 on march 7th and they are the best of friends.Whenever we have to go away to the hospital Audrianna asks for Kyra everyday so we have to call her and go on webcam so they can see each other. Kyra wakes up every morning and says Where's Audri. They are 22 months apart and people ask me all the time if they are twins because Kyra is the same size(and have to be dressed exactly alike or it causes HUGE fights) as Audrianna now since her sister hasnt really grown very much in the last year.We are going to be heading back to the Hospital on March 29th for a week for Audrianna's first dose of the ILP Therapy which is a 5 days infusion of medicine and i worry how us leaving is going to affect poor Kyra yet again.Everyone puts all there attention on the child that's sick and we tend to forget the ones that get left behind. I worry everyday that Kyra will grow up to resent her sister and me, but i also pray to god that since she is so small she won't remember much of this!I hope that everyone that Prays for Audrianna to get well will also Pray for her sister to come through this without scars.

Audrianna's Journey

My Daughter Audrianna who is 3 1/2 yrs old, she was diagnosed with Stage IV High Risk Mync Amplified Neuroblastoma on April 8th 2009 which was 1 month before her 3rd Birthday.Audrianna had a tumor that took up 90% of her stomach and was wrapped around her vena cava and had metastisized into her lungs, liver, kindneys and bones. Lets just say her doctors told us her diagnosis was not good and that we had a very tough fight on our hands. Since she was diagnosed she has undergone 6 rounds of chemo and surgery to remove her turmor.The chemo managed to get rid of all the spots she had in her organs and the only thing other then the tumor she ended up losing was her left adrenal gland which she can live without. After her surgery she underwent 2 stem cell transplants because thats what her protocol called for.She just finished 4 weeks of radiation and now we are waiting 2 weeks before we go back for her MIBG Scan and Her CT scan to see if she is N.E.D. Then at the end of the month we start acutane,immunotherapy and ILP.Audrianna still has about another 6 months of treatment even if she N.E.D(no evidence of disease)One of the side effects of the chemo was hearing loss, not total hearing loss just her high frequencies, my husband was very bothered by this but as far as im concerned wearing a hearing aide and being alive is Great!I am telling her story so that other parents out there can see that no matter how bad it looks when your child is diagnosed with cancer the future can be brighter and you should never give up Hope.

Angela aka Audrianna's Mommy