All Donations goto Audrianna's Butterfly Garden and to help start the Audrianna's Foundation

Savings Account for Audrianna where donations can be Made
M&T Bank
50 Laurel Mall
Hazle Township, PA 18202
(570) 450-7830

F*CK CANCER T-Shirts can be purchased for $18 with shipping for sizes s-xxl and $20 for 3x or 4x just click the paypal button!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sorrow and Happiness

This has been a very long emotional roller coaster of a month. My husband lost his job and audrianna's main source of insurance,then his unemployment got denied! So right now we have no income and have used most of Audrianna's savings account to pay the bills for the last 2 months so we didnt end up in the street,sigh. I worry everyday how i am going to keep a roof over my kids head, food in there mouths,and keep all the utilities on PLUS christmas is coming:( Why do things like this always happen around the holidays??Halloween is what 3 weeks away and the girls wants costumes i cant afford and momma cannot sew lmao me and sewing machines do NOT get along so we will be finding things in there closets to make homemade costumes this year no biggie. But hubs always had a xmas bonus we used to pay for xmas presents and now that he was fired he lost that too BLAh i know for adults xmas isnt a big deal but for a 2 and 4yr old it sure is,but whateve4r ill figure it out i always do...super mom to the rescue.
We lost 2 of our dear friends to Cancer this month, first Tim Martin a friend to every person he ever met passed away from esophical cancer and less then 2 weeks later we lost Dear Princess Emily who was only 4yrs old and one of *OUR KIDS* from our hospital and one of Audrianna's best friends. Nobody should ever have to bury there child and my heart is still breaking for Janet,i dont know how she is standing upright because i dont think i would be:( Emily's viewing was one of the hardest things i think i have ever had to do in my life,i was ok untill i saw her and kissed her goodbye,then i went outside and threw up because i just couldnt handle it and im not even her Mom,just her loving *aunt* More people need to know about OUR KIDS and More people need to fight this HORRIBLE DISEASE CALLED CANCER,dammit we need more funding for pediatric cancer so maybe they can work on finding a cure and no more mothers will bury there children!!!!This was the sorrow we felt this month and my beautiful 4yr old made herself feel better about Emmie by telling me...*It's ok Mommy My Angel Kelly is in Heaven and she will take Emily's Hand and show her around so she isnt scared* that was the saddest of all for me, i cried and cried that my baby even had to know what death was let alone be so damn wise about it! Any Cancer Parent can tell you our kids grow up way to fast and they are really Old Souls in babies bodies and it is so depressing because really all we want for them is to be kids and never have to think about Cancer or death again.
Our Good News and Happiness is overshadowed by the sorrow because we feel guilty that our baby is ok when someone elses child isnt:( BUT Audrianna is in remission and she is going to have one last surgery for a hernia reduction and then have her broviac/Port taken out.When i told her she asked me if she could have an I KICKED CANCERS BUTT PARTY lol i said yes and then had to think omg how will i pay for that!!!!! So even though we had the best news a cancer parent could ever ask for there is still worry and pain to go with it.Last time she was in remission it lasted 3 1/2months and the cancer came back,im terrified to let myself be happy about the remission because i feel if i do she will get sick again...stupid huh? Well welcome to being a cancer mom because all those stupid thoughts hit you over and over, along with the what ifs, what if i did this or what if i did that?What if i hadnt dont this or what if i had done that, all those things that will drive you crazy if you let them.
Oh well off to get Audrianna off the bus and try to think happy thoughts!


  1. Angela-
    I would LOVE to buy the girls' halloween costumes and make them both custom t-shirts and trick or treat bags.
    Please email me their sizes and what they want to be for halloween.
    Thanks and God bless!!
    Carrie Hazlett

  2. Hi if you would like to email me maybe the WvW keyclub can help with christmas

  3. I am going to add your family to our chruch prayer list and my family would love to help with christmas or anything that you guys need. please email me at

    Thanks and God Bless

  4. Will be praying for you and your family, for peace, for income, and for long life. most areas have local groups that help with rent, electric and food, plus you can get the kids on Christmas lists for various organizations to help them have a good Christmas.
    When I am fighting depressing thoughts I make a list of at least 5 positive things pertaining to the things that are depressing me or that are opposite of that. Such as if you don't like Mondays, list 5 things about Monday that are positive.
    I did that one with my daughter because she said she hated Mondays. The first thing she put on the list: Its 6 days till its Monday again.(smiles)
    In your case 5 things that are making you happy right now.
    i.e. Audrianna Kicked Cancers butt!!!
    Hope that helps
    Kathy Cooley

  5. Frankly, I think what you are feeling is very normal. Give yourself time to process all these very conflicting emotions. Your life is under siege, and it will take a long time to feel normal again. Allow time to let the wounds of war heal.

  6. Hi there!

    My name is Amanda and I head up a project called Battle4aCure out of Austin, Texas. We send toys to children fighting cancer all over the US. We started our Christmas campaign today on facebook where we take requests for Christmas Hope Boxes. A wonderful lady named Caroline from Quebec, Canada has been following your story. She contacted me hoping that we would be able to send your children some gifts for Christmas. We would LOVE to!

    Please email me at so we can get the details worked out.
    For more info about us you can check out

    Amanda & the Family

  7. I haven't been through what you are going through, but I did lose my first son to SIDS in 1998 when he was only 87 days old. There is just not enough attention paid to pediatric issues at all!

    I know what you are going through with the unemployment though. My husband lost his job on December 2 last year, my son's 4th birthday is the day after Christmas, and they had denied his unemployment. He did appeal it, but he didn't have an appeal hearing until March! He ended up winning the appeal, but we didn't get the money until April. The only reason we had any money is b/c the SECOND I had all of our papers for our taxes I filed, and I was going to school and had decided to take out the max amount of loans I could. We "survived" with that little amount of money, food stamps, and medical assistance. My daughter's 2nd birthday was in February, when we still didn't have any money coming in and she had a fabulous birthday due to the generosity of friends, family, and strangers! I posted our story on our local freecycles and cheapcycles and the outpouring was incredible!

    I wish I had read this earlier b/c I do sew and made our family's costumes for a few years. I'm glad you were able to get costumes for them!

    If you ever need to talk or need anything feel free to e-mail me, I also don't live too far from you. My husband used to work with a lot of people from your town. I hope your husband finds a job soon!!! What field is he in?

    Oh also, I participated in a fundraiser last summer for a little boy in my area with neuroblastoma, his name is Wyatt, I'm not sure if you've heard of him or not. Anyway, I had never heard of it before then and his story really touched my heart as does Audrianna's. I so desperately wish I could do something to help you through this. I hope you just knowing that we are all here for you helps you! (((HUGS)))

    Love to you and your family!