Depression

It has been a very long time since i have been here letting out my feelings or even updating on Audrianna but i just havent had the getup and go to do this anymore. The longer she is sick the worse the depression gets for me and even though i am on medication and i am fighting it everyday it doesnt mean sometimes i dont lose the fight. I put on a happy and couragous face for everyone around me and i go on doing all the things i need to do because well thats what my children and my family need to see, but inside i feel like im suffocating.I know we just got news that her cancer is STABLE which to most people is a huge YAY STABLE but to a mom who has been waiting for the words NED, stable sucks.It just seems like everytime we take 5 steps forward there are ten steps waiting for us to fall back on and as the chemo goes on she gets sicker and crankier each hospital visit and then at home she tries so hard to be a kid, she goes ice skating and roller skating and to hockey games,with granny,poppy or nana for a few hrs and everyone thinks she is NORMAL, but what they dont see is the whiny,cranky,over-exhausted child that is pushing herself so hard to be NORMAL so that she doesnt miss anything incase the damn chemo doesnt work.Can you imagine being 5 and having that thought run through your head all the time?? I CAN because im with her 24/7 and i see how she is but no most people cant or wont imagine that because its just to damn hard to deal with. I keep all this inside and to myself because well its just to depressing to share with everyone around me,why bring everyone else down to where im feeling?? I shut myself off, i dont talk to my mom who i know i always there for me,i dont talk to the few friends i have left because im afraid if i do ill scare them away with everyone else that has gone there own way since audrianna got sick, i just try and go on and be normal like she does and lately its catching up to me...i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to goto work...i just want to sleep and hope when i wake up this was all a nightmare.Today it was a beautiful 70 degree day and i sent the girls to a hockey game with daddy and slept till almost 7pm, not because i was tired...but because im so depressed i just didnt care to get up and move.My girls went to hockey and ice skated with the players and had a blast with there dad and i missed it because i didnt want to get up and take a shower and i had no motivation to do it,thats what depression steals from you, moments you can never get back.Im hoping tomorrow is a better day and i can get up,get motivated and do the things i need to do but then i hope that everyday and some days i just lose the battle.
It's also hard because there are so many kids you come to love in the hospital that are sick and you try so hard to be strong for them and there families also and when something happens to one of them it's a kick in the teeth,you just lost a family member. I know all the mom's with sick children reading this will understand and i know some of you will go sheesh she is really making this blog about her and whining when it should be about her child, but thats the point it is about Audrianna and how being there for her every second of the day,loving her through the vomitting and the pain, eats the parent up inside...i wouldnt trade a second of it or be anywhere else But it still hurts me everytime something hurts her. Ugh maybe its the time change, maybe its 70degree weather in march thats throwing me off i dunno but i wish i could just go back to being my happy self, instead of the shell of me that sits in the dark crying and eating chocolate...watching my ass expand:(

Crazy Life

Sorry i havent posted a blog since christmas but our lives have been crazy.Between Audrianna's treatments and mommy going back to work and trying to balance everything there just isnt time for the computer right now. Audrianna is doing ok with her chemo, she has good days and bad but we are hanging in there and trying to stay positive.Right now we are battling a few things like severe back pain that they cannot seem to find a reason for and we are hoping its chemo related and 2 nodules on her lung that the doctors are *watching closely* and hoping that on her MIBG and CT Scans in March they have not grown otherwise she will have to undergo a biopsy of the lung to make sure they aren't cancerous. Audrianna has been having a rough time with the Temedor because she cant swallow caplets and it has gotten so bad she has asked for an NG Tube to be placed twice now so she didnt have to taste the medicine and it doesnt make her want to throw up as bad as if she takes it by mouth.I am very stressed everytime they have to put the new tube in because i hate to see her cry although she did very well this time and only cried for a few minutes it still breaks my heart.Thankfully we have alot of friends and cancer family that are helping us through the stress and helping mommy not to have a nervous breakdown during *HELL WEEK* as i have dubbed her chemo week. Every 3 weeks i have to watch her go through hell, sometimes the hell isnt as bad as others and sometimes its worse...but its always HELL probably more for me then for her because i feel every little bit of pain she feels and i feel it twice over because im her mom.




But everyday i am also thankfull that it isnt worse and she is ALIVE. We have seen so many kids here that have the same disease or other horrible diseases and they have either died or lost body parts to this horrible thing the American cancer Society calls a RARE CANCER...Pediatric Cancer is not RARE and we need more people out there shouting that at the top of there lungs so that kids like Audrianna,Tiara,Wyatt,Bailey,Ryan,Hannah can survive and not become Angel's like so many of there friends:(
Please keep all the babies out there fighting cancer in your prayers and pray for a cure to be found! I will update again as soon as i can and we hope everyone has a Happy Valentines Day!

Home and Christmas

I know its been about 2 weks since i updated but everything has been crazy here. We were able to get out of the hospital and be home for christmas which was wonderful...then we got all the donations togther From Audriana's Wish Blanket/Toy Drive for Audrianna's Hospital and let me tell ya we only did the drive for less then 2 months and we managed to take 4 full truckloads of stuff to the hospital in time for christmas and we have more going down after new years when we go back to the hospital...everyone that sent things was so fantastic we are so humbled and proud to have some many wonderful people care enough about Audrianna to send things for her so she could make her wish of knowing all her friends at the hospital would be happy for christmas come true!!!!!!!We want to make this a yearly tradition so my goal for the coming year will be this...WE ARE GOING TO START AUDRIANNA'S HOSPITAL DRIVE FOR CHRISTMAS IN JULY AND HAVE IT RUN TILL 2 WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS....I am going to find one of the storage companies to comp the rent on a storage unit for that 6 month period so that i dont have to give up my house lol ....and i am going to get one of the companies in town like uhaul to donate the use of a truck to deliver it all....i am also going to try and setup with childlife at the hospital that we can do a christmas party at the hospital down by the turtle fountain in the childrens hospital...see if we can have someone come sing and have Santa there to hand out gifts to the kids with a photographer to take pictures with Santa...and then donate the rest to the hospital itself so on the 23rd they can use it in there hospital christmas store where the parents of kids stuck in the hospital for christmas get to go down and pick things for FREE for there child so they can wrap them and give them to them from Santa. I know this is a BIG THING TO TAKE ON but its something we want to be able to do for Our Hospital and The kids being treated there and it helps me teach my babies that Christmas isnt just about them getting things its about helping others and what a great way to help make another sick childs day brighter. I am hoping with help from ALL OF YOU we can make this happen...............................................................
I also want to say Thank You to EVERYONE that sent the girls things for Christmas and made there christmas so perfect....i didnt know how i was going to be able to do it this year with Audrianna being sick but once again the wonderful support system i have in my life came through and helped make Christmas perfect for them which in turn made it perfect for me. First they had a fabulous trip to NYC and got to see the Rockettes Christmas show and goto the american girl doll store and get new dolls, the trip was amazing and we couldnt have had a better time. THEN There were 6 big things they asked Santa for and they managed with the help of some wonderful people and wonderful organizations to get 5 of the 6 things...A ride in barbie car which Audrianna has been doing donuts on the street in lol....a dora kitchen that Kyra has not left alone since she woke up christmas morning...The Ultimate christmas dreams Castle that made Audrianna go OMG MOM Santa was listening when she opened it...THE IPAD which made me and Audrianna cry when she opened it....and with all hers and kyra's gift cards for toysrus they got a Hannah Montana TV for there room and play food and pots n pans for the new dora kitchen. Plus all the things that were sent to them, Kyra has so many new Barbies she doesnt know which one to play with first! Oh and we cant forget that even though i said i didnt need anything but to see the smiles on there faces...Nellies Catwalk4Kids didnt want to hear that and they got MOMMY a New Kindle Fire for Christmas because they are amazing....so this christmas was good to us and it couldnt have been any better UNLESS AUDRIANNA WAS CURED AND WE FOUND A CURE FOR PEDIATRIC CANCER!!!!!!!!! But for now we will keep fighting for her cure and the cure for pediatric cancer with all that we have so that other families dont have to suffer like we do. Christmas night after all the pictures were taken and the food was all cleared up Audrianna decided it was time to shave off her hair because it was falling out in clumps so *HANNAH AND I* shaved Audrianna's head and then she shaved mine...now we are matching baldies but i promised her she would never be bald alone again and i meant it...she also shaved poppa johns head and got her cousin dustin to do his.We are in this battle together from now till always and we wont stop till a cure is found and babies stop dying 46/7 forever!!!!!
Gwen aka Hannah and her sister Alana are staying with us till the first of January and the girls have been roller skating for the first time with them, Audrianna loves to skate! Hannah even bought her a pair of roller skates from the skating rink and we got Kyra a pair of the ones that go over the shoe BUT they were to small so i had to get her different onces at toysrus and now my neice Ashleigh will have new skates to, see things do sometimes happen for a reason!
Been very down the last few days and trying really hard to life myself up ever since we shaved Audrianna's Head...im not sad i shaved my hair or she shaved hers, im mad and upset that she HAD TO DO THIS AGAIN...she was so excited to finally have hair again and now she lost it again...FUCKING CANCER it takes everything she loves and im just so sad i couldnt do anything to stop it and no matter how hard i try not to be sad or mad everytime i look at my baby it happens all over and i want to go sit and cry somewhere BUT that is not what she needs so i pick myself up by my bootstraps and i kick myself in the ass and keep going for her.
I just want everyone to know that depression is a real and serious illness and for those of us that fight it everyday its a constant struggle not to give in and lay down and give up...so if you see someone that you think is having problems please reach out to them, even if its just to give them a hug and say im here for you, it might be just what they need to motivate themselves that day!!!!
Again thank you to everyone that follows Audriana's Wish Page and her story we love you all!

Long Few days

So its been a very long week...first the infection in the line, then the line removal and IV put in.The good news was that the blood infection was ONLY in the line thank god...we have had 2 negative cultures since then and if tomorrow's comes back negative also we will be able to get a PIC LINE and go home on antibiotics. So mommy and audrianna have been both feeling yucky all week which is why there havent been alot of posts. Today Our friend Savanah finally got to go home after 2 weeks and Audrianna's new friend David went home also. We are asking you all to pray for our beautiful new friend Annalee...she will be 1yr old next saturday dec 17th and she has neuroblastoma...poor baby has gone through alot of nasty side effects since she had her firt chemo but she is doing better now...she also just had an infection in her line and had it removed the same day as audrianna...so now she may be stuck here till after her bday. Please pray she gets to go home and has better results on her next round of chemo.

Line Infection

Audrianna has been admitted for a central line infection in both Lumens(she has a double lumen hickman broviac).Her cultures came back Gram-Negative Postive for Cocksaki so now she has to be inpatient and she is currently getting Rocephin and Vancomyasin Both Antibiotics are the best to kill infections.We are hoping that the Antibiotics will be enough to get the infections under control otherwise they will have to pull her line and give her a new one which we really dont want to have to do because thats just one more surgery she has to have. Yesterday she was at clinic with a 105 fever but once she got the antibiotics in her fever went down and we went home,But this morning they called to say her cultures were back and she had to be admitted. Audrianna hasnt had a fever since yesterday and her spirits are really good which is great, her counts are doing ok also so as long as the antibiotics do there job we might be able to get out of here and go home on antibiotics for the weekend...Please pray that this happens so we can have some quality home time instead of stinky hospital time!

Chemo Is Working!! Inpatient for a week

Well while everyone else was eating turkey and having a great time we were worried and pacing waiting for the news on Audrianna's Scans...Thankfully on Friday which is the day we celebrated Thanksgiving so we could wait for my youngest brother to be with us we got the call from the Doctor and recieved the best news EVER...the chemo is working YAY...the tumor is shrinking and now its not showing MIBG activity which is sooooo awesome...BUT and yes there is always a BUT with Cancer...now her Adrenal Gland is lighting up again, they are hoping its just old scar tissues which sometimes happens...So now we are having 4 more rounds of chemo and then we will do a new CT Scan and another MIBG Scan to compare them and see how it looks...the docs added Vancristine this round so now she is taking 3 chemos and they upped the dosage on her Ironotecan...her belly is feeling yucky and she has a small case of diarhea but otherwise its going really well. The doctor told me he has never seen a kid have good results and then have bad again so he is VERY OPTIMISTIC that the next round of scans should be even better news(at least thats what i got out of his doctor speak for i cant really give you statistics lol) ANYWAY i just wanted to give a quick update on how she was feeling and let everyone know this week is hard but not as hard as it has been....thank you all for caring and praying....Love Angela and Audrianna!

Depressed and Scared

This has been a really bad week one of my dear friends lost there beautiful 3yr old son Karson to Neuroblastoma. Sunday i have to goto Karson's viewing because his parents would be there for me if the roles were reversed...i want to be there for Tish and Brian but i also want to run screaming and hide under the covers and not come out...every baby that dies, every funeral i attend, a piece of me dies with them and im not sure how many more pieces i can lose before i lose my mind completely.Karson was such a beautiful baby with a bright smile and a giggle that would fill the whole room and knowing that his light has been exstinguished before he ever had a chance to grow and really shine SUCKS.I cant even fathom what his poor parents are going through or his 2 older brothers...i can say i have walked in there shoes to this point but i cant say i know how they feel now...i can say i know how id feel and it wouldnt be good, so im going to say my goodbyes and help hold them up because if they feel like id feel all they want to do is fall down and die without there baby.

The depression seems to be eating me alive this week...i havent wanted to get out of bed or leave the house...i get the girls off to school and back on the couch to sleep i go..i want to get up and go do things but i just cant make myself do it...today was the first day i actually willingly left the house and went out in public all week.

I feel so alone all the time even when im surrounded by people/family i still feel sad and alone. I dont tell them this and i smile and act like nothings wrong because nobody wants to be around someone who is sad all the time,so i have learned to fake the smile to perfection and say yes im fine no worries im strong i can handle it. When inside im dying little by little because really im not strong...i just act that way because its what everyone needs to see.

My husband and i seem to live on different planets,we live in the same house but dont talk unless we are yelling at each other and im being told im the bitch and if i was Nicer things would be different...yeah Ok sure let me get right on that...he doesnt understand the depression,basically wants me to suck it up and start acting like the girl he got together with 20yrs ago and well im not that girl anymore...waiting forever for a child after being told i was never going to have one and then getting a miracle that had to fight from her first breathe since she was a preemie and then at the age of 2 she gets cancer...kinda changes a girl and well im not happy go lucky anymore...i have 2 beautiful babies and yet one of them fights for her life everyday. My husband lives in his bubble of everything is going to be alright while i live in the reality of it might not be and its really hard to be the only one that has to deal with the nightmare everyday.

Next week is Thanksgiving and i am so grateful to have both my babies here with me for it...but i am also terrified since Audrianna is having her scans the day before thanksgiving to see if the cancer has stabilized/grown/gone and what our next step will be. The docs have to let us know asap because if its working then she has to go back in for chemo on the 28th and they are going to add another drug to the mixture to try and kill any cells that may still be there. Audrianna has been complaining about back pain and her legs hurting:( This could be a sign the tumor is growing or it could be growing pains..either way everytime she says something hurts my heart stops. I am so scared they are going to tell me the chemo isnt working and ill have to go through with audrianna's decision not to do more invasive chemo and let her be done and go home. I dont know that i can handle that..i thought i could before but now as the time is getting closer all i can do is scream inside about how we need to keep looking we need to keep fighting...and then i think of Karson and how they did keep fighting and looking and he faded away and lost his battle anyway no matter how hard they tried and i think...can i do that to her? I wish to god i had a magic 8 ball i could shake that would give me all the right answers and id never have to be in this position because hell the magic 8 ball would be making the choices not me. Not my 5yr old either.I wish with all my heart and sould that cancer didnt touch our babies and they didnt need to suffer and i wish to god it had NEVER touched mine.