All Donations goto Audrianna's Butterfly Garden and to help start the Audrianna's Foundation
Hazle Township, PA 18202
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Hi Baby...So its been a pretty rough week for Mommy...I have been watching all the pictures people post from the Fair and all I do is cry..Last year at this time You were here and Living your Life to the fullest...we went to the fair almost everyday...You did all the things you wanted to do... You Rode the Bull at least 20 times, You Climed the rock wall over and over determined to get to the top and you almost made it , you were so proud of yourself and I was so proud of you...You rode the helicopter with everyone and you smiled and laughed at mommy because I was scared and you loved it....I haven't been able to bring myself to go because its not gonna be the same without you....YOU LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE FAIR...the noise, the food,the rides, the people....and everyone who met you of course loved you....Miss Wanda gave you that Harley Davidson Jacket and Hat and you wore it EVERYWHERE because you wanted to grow up and ride motorcycles like all the people in your life that you loved...I have cried almost as much this week as I did when you died...All these first things without you are horrible and I hurt so bad it seems like it will never stop....Pretty soon its going to be Halloween,Thanksgiving,Christmas and we have to do all that without you.....We were robbed of your life, I will never get to see you fall in love,Kiss a boy other then Logan, Get Married, Become the a doctor like you wanted....Kyra wont have you there to teach her all the things big sisters are supposed to teach there lil sisters and everyday that just gets worse,the pain sucks....I haven't gotten out of bed much this week..i get Kyra off to school and I just lay back in bed till its time to go get her, I don't leave the house unless I need to do something for your sister why bother there is nothing to do...so I just lay in bed and cry until I have to be MOM and its killing me because I Miss you, I Miss your voice, your touch, your snuggles, your I love You Mommy's and I just cant stop waiting to wake up from this horrible dream and have you walk in the door from being with Nana or Poppy and yell Mommy im home...I know rationally that will never happen because I look at your Urn with you in it everyday but My heart isn't rational and I want you back so bad....FUCKING CANCER ROBBED YOU FROM US AND I WANT YOU BACK!!!!!!!!!! I want to be at the Fair with you pulling you in your wagon while the crazy castle balllon you got which was bigger then you keeps smacking people as we walk, I want you to be climbing that damn rock wall and jumping on the trampoline...I want all the time back that we were supposed to get and im so angry and sad that no matter how much I want it, it will never happen......NOBODY comes to see me or Kyra....we are forgotten now by most because your not with us...that's how Kyra feels and most days honestly that's who I feel...I know most people cant handle my grief so they stay away and they all have there lives to live...but we are stuck and cant move forward....we have Nana and Poppa John always and we know that even if I do push them away a lot because I just cant deal wih all the pain im havin a hard enough time with mine and kyras....But I told someone close to me today whose family member just lost a child...don't ask them if they need you to be there, just go, show up and push your way in because even if they don't say it, they need you...and honestly its true...I will NEVER ask someone to come here or to take me somewhere,i will never ask someone for help but I wouldn't refuse a Hug or a phone call if someone showed up either....I am trying to hold on baby and do all the things you wanted I honestly am but some days/weeks are just harder then others and the smallest things set me off...it could be a smell that reminds me of you, a picture of you and aunt dari just had me freak out....Putting your clothes in bags to give away was the worst because everytime I gave something away I felt like I lost another piece of you and im not sure how many more pieces I can lose without losing my mind.....I pray to the universe everynight that your safe and happy now where your at...BUT I will NEVER believe that your in a better place because the best place for your is in my arms and your not there.....I Love You Baby and miss you with all that I am xoxoxoxo hope your climbing that rock wall in heaven and making it to the top everytime!!!!!!!!!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Hi Baby...its been 7 months since you fought your last battle and went on to fight for others....We ALL Miss You So much it hurts and what NOBODY understands is that it wasn't just YOU that we lost, we lost Our Hospital Family too, we lost the people that we came to love over the 4yrs...the kids, the nurses that kept mommy sane, the doctors we loved...ALL of them gone the minute you took your last breathe......it feels like I have to start all over....I wake up in the middles of the night and want to walk out of my room and talk to KJ who always gave it to me straight no matter...I want to wake up and walk out and see Mel,Robbi, Jason, Tom,Joe,Laura,Kymmie,Deb,Donnna,Juanita,Sevasty,Bonnie,Kendra,Amy,Mel Mel, and so many others that were always there when Mommy needed someone to talk to and who ALWAYS Treated You like a princess and NEVER treated you like a number....I can still hear that nurse in CHOP asking you what hospital you liked better, yours or theres and you said I Like MY Hospital better the Nurses are Nicer....And it was true because at CHOP you were a casenumber and at Danville You were a Child with a name and your name was Audrianna or as you told the surgical nurse one time when she asked your name PRINCESS DIEGO MUFFIN HEAD lol you told her you were going to marry Diego someday...so that's the name she wrote on your chart!!!!!!! You always made people smile no matter what, even when you were scared or in the worst pain of your life you had the ability to make other people laugh or smile.....I know when people read this they will think im crazy BUT I miss the ride to Danville with you...that's how we learned all the words to Puff The Magic Dragon together after poppa john put it on repeat on a disk for you and it played exactly 18 times each way...I know every word to this day because it was your favorite song from the first time Woody Wolfe sang it for you...I Miss the clinic nurses...Barbie,Deb,Becky they always made you feel loved and you loved your Barbie so much she is/was a wonderful person and loved you with her whole heart....I miss being admitted with you even though it drove us both crazy most of the time BUT it also made us so much closer because all we had was each other...I miss not knowing how the other babies/Kids we met along the way are doing...I follow some of them on facebook and I jump for joy when they are ok and I cry when they aren't...Hannah just had her last chemo and is getting her port out and I am so thrilled for her but god I wish you were there to celebrate with her...I heard the hospital has tye-dye gold t-shirts with a gold ribbon this year for September...do you remember how hard Mommy pushed for that last year? How loud I yelled about the pink ones they were selling in September for breast cancer and how they should have waited till oct and done gold for the kids? Well I guess either someone listened to me or someone else had the same idea but who cares it is happening they listened but im pissed off that neither of us are there to see it.....I miss taking you to the turle fountain and letting you toss pennies in and then taking you to see Miss Kathy in the gift shop...remember how we did our Christmas shopping there last year baby....NOTHING is the same now...your gone and so is all of that and Mommy Hurts so bad and doesn't know how to Move Forward with this Different life now...I don't cry where Kyra can see me because I don't want her to hurt or to see me hurting But I cry every night once she is asleep...I sleep with Your Bunny, Your Audrianna doll Aunt Dena gave you and Your Bald American Girl doll you named Hannah Who looks like you with her blue eyes,her hearing aides and dressed in her Princess Jazmine outfit you picked out for her....those are all I have left of you other then ashes and memories....I take Kyra to school everyday and watch her goto class in Your old classroom that You Loved so much but didn't get to spend a lot of time in and it kills me that your not there because you loved school so much...I don't know how to go back to being Normal as people put it to me...Normal is You here with us, Normal is you riding your bike and your sister running behind you because she hates pushing the peddles on her bike, normal is you laughin and playing till you couldn't anymore and then asking for meds at bed cause you over did it and hurt yourself but you never wanted to miss a minute of being NORMAL.....Aunt Dari came to visit a we went to Amiee's Walk together and let me tell you it didn't feel normal, I felt like an outsider, like without you I didn't belong there...even having Aunt Dari here and feeling her love didn't feel normal it felt like we were going through the paces because we loved you so much and now you weren't here...Gwen wants to come visit and I love her and her family but I don't know how that's gonna go either, You and Kyra were always the ones that made her and Alana and Kathy smile...I was just the Mom...now it will just be Kyra alone and I don't know how normal that's gonna be for any of us...we want to see them we miss them and they miss us...im just not sure if any of us are gonna be able to smile through this first big visit without you..Every first is Horrible, I smile and nod and act ok but im not...im always dying inside and pretending...I have been pretending for 7 months and it doesn't get better...I know everyone wants me to be better, they want me to be happy and start moving forward and god im trying baby but its not the same...Nana and I don't talk much anymore and I know its my fault I pushed her away..she has always been my mom and my best friend but when you died I lost it and so did she, we couldn't handle each others grief....And I still cant...I don't know how to talk to her anymore, I don't know how to just be with her like before,we have grown so far apart and I don't know how to get us back...I Love her she is my mom and has always been my rock.....BUT I feel like I cant tell her things anymore because she judges me and makes me feel bad and I know that's probably all in my head but its how I feel...Please help me get through this baby I need her back.....ALMOST as bad as I need you back :( ....I would do anything just to hold you in my arms one more time and hear you say I Love You Mommy and so I could say I love You Audrianna........