All Donations goto Audrianna's Butterfly Garden and to help start the Audrianna's Foundation
Hazle Township, PA 18202
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Week of the Bloomsburg Fair
Hi Baby...So its been a pretty rough week for Mommy...I have been watching all the pictures people post from the Fair and all I do is cry..Last year at this time You were here and Living your Life to the fullest...we went to the fair almost everyday...You did all the things you wanted to do... You Rode the Bull at least 20 times, You Climed the rock wall over and over determined to get to the top and you almost made it , you were so proud of yourself and I was so proud of you...You rode the helicopter with everyone and you smiled and laughed at mommy because I was scared and you loved it....I haven't been able to bring myself to go because its not gonna be the same without you....YOU LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE FAIR...the noise, the food,the rides, the people....and everyone who met you of course loved you....Miss Wanda gave you that Harley Davidson Jacket and Hat and you wore it EVERYWHERE because you wanted to grow up and ride motorcycles like all the people in your life that you loved...I have cried almost as much this week as I did when you died...All these first things without you are horrible and I hurt so bad it seems like it will never stop....Pretty soon its going to be Halloween,Thanksgiving,Christmas and we have to do all that without you.....We were robbed of your life, I will never get to see you fall in love,Kiss a boy other then Logan, Get Married, Become the a doctor like you wanted....Kyra wont have you there to teach her all the things big sisters are supposed to teach there lil sisters and everyday that just gets worse,the pain sucks....I haven't gotten out of bed much this week..i get Kyra off to school and I just lay back in bed till its time to go get her, I don't leave the house unless I need to do something for your sister why bother there is nothing to do...so I just lay in bed and cry until I have to be MOM and its killing me because I Miss you, I Miss your voice, your touch, your snuggles, your I love You Mommy's and I just cant stop waiting to wake up from this horrible dream and have you walk in the door from being with Nana or Poppy and yell Mommy im home...I know rationally that will never happen because I look at your Urn with you in it everyday but My heart isn't rational and I want you back so bad....FUCKING CANCER ROBBED YOU FROM US AND I WANT YOU BACK!!!!!!!!!! I want to be at the Fair with you pulling you in your wagon while the crazy castle balllon you got which was bigger then you keeps smacking people as we walk, I want you to be climbing that damn rock wall and jumping on the trampoline...I want all the time back that we were supposed to get and im so angry and sad that no matter how much I want it, it will never happen......NOBODY comes to see me or Kyra....we are forgotten now by most because your not with us...that's how Kyra feels and most days honestly that's who I feel...I know most people cant handle my grief so they stay away and they all have there lives to live...but we are stuck and cant move forward....we have Nana and Poppa John always and we know that even if I do push them away a lot because I just cant deal wih all the pain im havin a hard enough time with mine and kyras....But I told someone close to me today whose family member just lost a child...don't ask them if they need you to be there, just go, show up and push your way in because even if they don't say it, they need you...and honestly its true...I will NEVER ask someone to come here or to take me somewhere,i will never ask someone for help but I wouldn't refuse a Hug or a phone call if someone showed up either....I am trying to hold on baby and do all the things you wanted I honestly am but some days/weeks are just harder then others and the smallest things set me off...it could be a smell that reminds me of you, a picture of you and aunt dari just had me freak out....Putting your clothes in bags to give away was the worst because everytime I gave something away I felt like I lost another piece of you and im not sure how many more pieces I can lose without losing my mind.....I pray to the universe everynight that your safe and happy now where your at...BUT I will NEVER believe that your in a better place because the best place for your is in my arms and your not there.....I Love You Baby and miss you with all that I am xoxoxoxo hope your climbing that rock wall in heaven and making it to the top everytime!!!!!!!!!