7 months of hell on earth

Hi Baby...its been 7 months since you fought your last battle and went on to fight for others....We ALL Miss You So much it hurts and what NOBODY understands is that it wasn't just YOU that we lost, we lost Our Hospital Family too, we lost the people that we came to love over the 4yrs...the kids, the nurses that kept mommy sane, the doctors we loved...ALL of them gone the minute you took your last breathe......it feels like I have to start all over....I wake up in the middles of the night and want to walk out of my room and talk to KJ who always gave it to me straight no matter...I want to wake up and walk out and see Mel,Robbi, Jason, Tom,Joe,Laura,Kymmie,Deb,Donnna,Juanita,Sevasty,Bonnie,Kendra,Amy,Mel Mel, and so many others that were always there when Mommy needed someone to talk to and who ALWAYS Treated You like a princess and NEVER treated you like a number....I can still hear that nurse in CHOP asking you what hospital you liked better, yours or theres and you said I Like MY Hospital better the Nurses are Nicer....And it was true because at CHOP you were a casenumber and at Danville You were a Child with a name and your name was Audrianna or as you told the surgical nurse one time when she asked your name PRINCESS DIEGO MUFFIN HEAD lol you told her you were going to marry Diego someday...so that's the name she wrote on your chart!!!!!!! You always made people smile no matter what, even when you were scared or in the worst pain of your life you had the ability to make other people laugh or smile.....I know when people read this they will think im crazy BUT I miss the ride to Danville with you...that's how we learned all the words to Puff The Magic Dragon together after poppa john put it on repeat on a disk for you and it played exactly 18 times each way...I know every word to this day because it was your favorite song from the first time Woody Wolfe sang it for you...I Miss the clinic nurses...Barbie,Deb,Becky they always made you feel loved and you loved your Barbie so much she is/was a wonderful person and loved you with her whole heart....I miss being admitted with you even though it drove us both crazy most of the time BUT it also made us so much closer because all we had was each other...I miss not knowing how the other babies/Kids we met along the way are doing...I follow some of them on facebook and I jump for joy when they are ok and I cry when they aren't...Hannah just had her last chemo and is getting her port out and I am so thrilled for her but god I wish you were there to celebrate with her...I heard the hospital has tye-dye gold t-shirts with a gold ribbon this year for September...do you remember how hard Mommy pushed for that last year? How loud I yelled about the pink ones they were selling in September for breast cancer and how they should have waited till oct and done gold for the kids? Well I guess either someone listened to me or someone else had the same idea but who cares it is happening they listened but im pissed off that neither of us are there to see it.....I miss taking you to the turle fountain and letting you toss pennies in and then taking you to see Miss Kathy in the gift shop...remember how we did our Christmas shopping there last year baby....NOTHING is the same now...your gone and so is all of that and Mommy Hurts so bad and doesn't know how to Move Forward with this Different life now...I don't cry where Kyra can see me because I don't want her to hurt or to see me hurting But I cry every night once she is asleep...I sleep with Your Bunny, Your Audrianna doll Aunt Dena gave you and Your Bald American Girl doll you named Hannah Who looks like you with her blue eyes,her hearing aides and dressed in her Princess Jazmine outfit you picked out for her....those are all I have left of you other then ashes and memories....I take Kyra to school everyday and watch her goto class in Your old classroom that You Loved so much but didn't get to spend a lot of time in and it kills me that your not there because you loved school so much...I don't know how to go back to being Normal as people put it to me...Normal is You here with us, Normal is you riding your bike and your sister running behind you because she hates pushing the peddles on her bike, normal is you laughin and playing till you couldn't anymore and then asking for meds at bed cause you over did it and hurt yourself but you never wanted to miss a minute of being NORMAL.....Aunt Dari came to visit a we went to Amiee's Walk together and let me tell you it didn't feel normal, I felt like an outsider, like without you I didn't belong there...even having Aunt Dari here and feeling her love didn't feel normal it felt like we were going through the paces because we loved you so much and now you weren't here...Gwen wants to come visit and I love her and her family but I don't know how that's gonna go either, You and Kyra were always the ones that made her and Alana and Kathy smile...I was just the Mom...now it will just be Kyra alone and I don't know how normal that's gonna be for any of us...we want to see them we miss them and they miss us...im just not sure if any of us are gonna be able to smile through this first big visit without you..Every first is Horrible, I smile and nod and act ok but im not...im always dying inside and pretending...I have been pretending for 7 months and it doesn't get better...I know everyone wants me to be better, they want me to be happy and start moving forward and god im trying baby but its not the same...Nana and I don't talk much anymore and I know its my fault I pushed her away..she has always been my mom and my best friend but when you died I lost it and so did she, we couldn't handle each others grief....And I still cant...I don't know how to talk to her anymore, I don't know how to just be with her like before,we have grown so far apart and I don't know how to get us back...I Love her she is my mom and has always been my rock.....BUT I feel like I cant tell her things anymore because she judges me and makes me feel bad and I know that's probably all in my head but its how I feel...Please help me get through this baby I need her back.....ALMOST as bad as I need you back :( ....I would do anything just to hold you in my arms one more time and hear you say I Love You Mommy and so I could say I love You Audrianna........