9mnths without you and the Holidays are here

Hi Baby...today was a very emotional day for mommy...Sissy and I spent the day with Nana and Poppa John and we watched all 3 of the shrek movies which you simply loved and Kyra did too but she was so little that today it was like she was watching them all again for the first time and she laughed and giggled and made new memories while I was lost in my memories of you...I remember how when you were a baby you hated your car seat but if I put Shrek on and let you sit in front of the tv you would be sooooo quiet well until shrek went off the screen and then you would scream, you loved the big ogre so much that there were times I had to pause the tv with his face looking out at you just so I could wash dishes without you crying....you loved shrek so much that when we went to Disney on your make-a-wish and you were about a 1/2 inch to short to ride the shrek ride at universal studios you told the guy that they say shrek is a mean ogre but he isnt YOU are and your mean.. because he wouldn't let you ride....you loved Shrek so Much that Emalee Kachurkas Dad Todd Let you paint his nails green at the hospital and he did yours so he could be shrek and you could be Fiona and then he had to work all day like that and you kept having him paged to your room so you could make sure he still had it on lol ....these are all memories I have of you loving that big green ogre...you wanted to grow up and be Fiona so you could marry shrek......Sigh I just wish you had grown up....Then Sissy and I went home and the night of Nostalgia continued with How the Grinch Stole Christmas one of your other favorite green men, you Loved that he had such a tiny heart until Cyndi Lou Who made him feel and then his heart grew 3 sizes to big, you used to laugh like crazy when he turned his poor dog into a reindeer to steal everyones toys and dinner....tonight Kyra asked why the Grinch was so Mean and I said because he never knew Love until he met Cyndi Lou Who and we talked about how sad it would be not to be loved and she hugged me and said like we loved Audri right mom and that's why she will always be with us and I said yes baby just like that....Then to finish the night and Bring on the Holidays because you can NEVER have thanksgiving without The Wizard of Oz(I had to laugh at your sister because again she knows you loved the movie but couldn't really remember it so the first thing she asked was Mom why is it in black and white and when does it turn to Color) When Dorothy started singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Kyra and I Joined in because that was one of Your favorite songs and a memory of you we will always have....When You were a baby I had to sing that to you over and over just to get you to stop crying and the Second verse id change the words to Somewhere over the rainbows Bluebirds fly, Why oh why cant Audri fly like the bluebirds fly...I know your flying and singing with the bluebirds now baby....but it doesn't make it any better or hurt any less....Thanksgiving is in 4days and its our first without you, I don't know how im going to get through the whole day without hearing your giggle,seeing your smile or listening to you grump is anyone offered you gravy...But for your sissy I will smile and make memories without you even though im dying inside,because she is still here and we all have to be brave and smile for her no matter how big a hole there will be at our table this year and ever year after.....Kyra is already talking and excited about putting up the tree after thanksgiving and all I want to do is cry because I cant even comprehend having a tree without you, who is gonna hang your ornaments...I don't know if I can...and im not sure id trust anyone else to do it...that was your favorite part even last year when you were so sick all you wanted to do was hang your ornaments on the tree and put tinkerbell on top because you loved watching her wings light up.....I know your with the angel's and you have so many friends with you like Hudson,tanner,karson,emily,ashley,kelly,aimee,kayla,mercedes,marilla and so many more and that all of you will be celebrating together but it doesn't mean that any of us mommies or daddies on earth will miss you any less and we would all give anything to have your back, just one more kiss,hug and whispered I love you, one more Christmas of memories....I would trade my life for yours just so you and your sister could make those memories together if I could.....Last Christmas you sat in the recliner like the queen of the castle that you were and watched everyone else open presents...you wouldn't open anything till we all opened ours and I recorded you saying that daddy should get a truck full of coal because he was always grumpy and mean....that video means the world to me because on Christmas when I miss you I can watch you say that and part of you will be there sitting in the recliner watching us....I know you will send me strength and help me get through these days to come for your sister so im not a blubbering mass laying in bed under the covers when she needs me...I can hear you saying mommy get up santa came and Kyra wants to open her presents and yelling at me if I move to slow because you never wanted to wait for anythingggggggggggggggggg ever!!!!!!!.............................................................Audri I know you were there to meet Kayla with Open Arms when she came to Heaven and im happy you 2 are together to take care of each other....At Kayla's Memorial one of my friends told me to read a poem called the Dash and a Line from that Poem just jumps out at me and yells yours and Kayla's name so here it is..........*It's not the date you were born, or the date you died, that really matters. It's "the dash" between those years and what you do with it that does.* Both of you lived so much During Your Dash and made everyone who loved you proud....You may have only had 6 1/12 years in YOUR DASH but baby You Lived to the fullest in that time and Your My Hero....And Kayla may have only had 21yrs but she lived hers to the fullest and she is also one of my hero's and I am so glad my 2 hero's are together now......I am going to make you proud of me and live MY DASH to the Fullest even if sometimes I have a hard time getting moving.....I Love You Baby!!!!!!!!