9mnths without you and the Holidays are here

Hi Baby...today was a very emotional day for mommy...Sissy and I spent the day with Nana and Poppa John and we watched all 3 of the shrek movies which you simply loved and Kyra did too but she was so little that today it was like she was watching them all again for the first time and she laughed and giggled and made new memories while I was lost in my memories of you...I remember how when you were a baby you hated your car seat but if I put Shrek on and let you sit in front of the tv you would be sooooo quiet well until shrek went off the screen and then you would scream, you loved the big ogre so much that there were times I had to pause the tv with his face looking out at you just so I could wash dishes without you crying....you loved shrek so much that when we went to Disney on your make-a-wish and you were about a 1/2 inch to short to ride the shrek ride at universal studios you told the guy that they say shrek is a mean ogre but he isnt YOU are and your mean.. because he wouldn't let you ride....you loved Shrek so Much that Emalee Kachurkas Dad Todd Let you paint his nails green at the hospital and he did yours so he could be shrek and you could be Fiona and then he had to work all day like that and you kept having him paged to your room so you could make sure he still had it on lol ....these are all memories I have of you loving that big green ogre...you wanted to grow up and be Fiona so you could marry shrek......Sigh I just wish you had grown up....Then Sissy and I went home and the night of Nostalgia continued with How the Grinch Stole Christmas one of your other favorite green men, you Loved that he had such a tiny heart until Cyndi Lou Who made him feel and then his heart grew 3 sizes to big, you used to laugh like crazy when he turned his poor dog into a reindeer to steal everyones toys and dinner....tonight Kyra asked why the Grinch was so Mean and I said because he never knew Love until he met Cyndi Lou Who and we talked about how sad it would be not to be loved and she hugged me and said like we loved Audri right mom and that's why she will always be with us and I said yes baby just like that....Then to finish the night and Bring on the Holidays because you can NEVER have thanksgiving without The Wizard of Oz(I had to laugh at your sister because again she knows you loved the movie but couldn't really remember it so the first thing she asked was Mom why is it in black and white and when does it turn to Color) When Dorothy started singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Kyra and I Joined in because that was one of Your favorite songs and a memory of you we will always have....When You were a baby I had to sing that to you over and over just to get you to stop crying and the Second verse id change the words to Somewhere over the rainbows Bluebirds fly, Why oh why cant Audri fly like the bluebirds fly...I know your flying and singing with the bluebirds now baby....but it doesn't make it any better or hurt any less....Thanksgiving is in 4days and its our first without you, I don't know how im going to get through the whole day without hearing your giggle,seeing your smile or listening to you grump is anyone offered you gravy...But for your sissy I will smile and make memories without you even though im dying inside,because she is still here and we all have to be brave and smile for her no matter how big a hole there will be at our table this year and ever year after.....Kyra is already talking and excited about putting up the tree after thanksgiving and all I want to do is cry because I cant even comprehend having a tree without you, who is gonna hang your ornaments...I don't know if I can...and im not sure id trust anyone else to do it...that was your favorite part even last year when you were so sick all you wanted to do was hang your ornaments on the tree and put tinkerbell on top because you loved watching her wings light up.....I know your with the angel's and you have so many friends with you like Hudson,tanner,karson,emily,ashley,kelly,aimee,kayla,mercedes,marilla and so many more and that all of you will be celebrating together but it doesn't mean that any of us mommies or daddies on earth will miss you any less and we would all give anything to have your back, just one more kiss,hug and whispered I love you, one more Christmas of memories....I would trade my life for yours just so you and your sister could make those memories together if I could.....Last Christmas you sat in the recliner like the queen of the castle that you were and watched everyone else open presents...you wouldn't open anything till we all opened ours and I recorded you saying that daddy should get a truck full of coal because he was always grumpy and mean....that video means the world to me because on Christmas when I miss you I can watch you say that and part of you will be there sitting in the recliner watching us....I know you will send me strength and help me get through these days to come for your sister so im not a blubbering mass laying in bed under the covers when she needs me...I can hear you saying mommy get up santa came and Kyra wants to open her presents and yelling at me if I move to slow because you never wanted to wait for anythingggggggggggggggggg ever!!!!!!!.............................................................Audri I know you were there to meet Kayla with Open Arms when she came to Heaven and im happy you 2 are together to take care of each other....At Kayla's Memorial one of my friends told me to read a poem called the Dash and a Line from that Poem just jumps out at me and yells yours and Kayla's name so here it is..........*It's not the date you were born, or the date you died, that really matters. It's "the dash" between those years and what you do with it that does.* Both of you lived so much During Your Dash and made everyone who loved you proud....You may have only had 6 1/12 years in YOUR DASH but baby You Lived to the fullest in that time and Your My Hero....And Kayla may have only had 21yrs but she lived hers to the fullest and she is also one of my hero's and I am so glad my 2 hero's are together now......I am going to make you proud of me and live MY DASH to the Fullest even if sometimes I have a hard time getting moving.....I Love You Baby!!!!!!!!

Week of the Bloomsburg Fair

Hi Baby...So its been a pretty rough week for Mommy...I have been watching all the pictures people post from the Fair and all I do is cry..Last year at this time You were here and Living your Life to the fullest...we went to the fair almost everyday...You did all the things you wanted to do... You Rode the Bull at least 20 times, You Climed the rock wall over and over determined to get to the top and you almost made it , you were so proud of yourself and I was so proud of you...You rode the helicopter with everyone and you smiled and laughed at mommy because I was scared and you loved it....I haven't been able to bring myself to go because its not gonna be the same without you....YOU LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE FAIR...the noise, the food,the rides, the people....and everyone who met you of course loved you....Miss Wanda gave you that Harley Davidson Jacket and Hat and you wore it EVERYWHERE because you wanted to grow up and ride motorcycles like all the people in your life that you loved...I have cried almost as much this week as I did when you died...All these first things without you are horrible and I hurt so bad it seems like it will never stop....Pretty soon its going to be Halloween,Thanksgiving,Christmas and we have to do all that without you.....We were robbed of your life, I will never get to see you fall in love,Kiss a boy other then Logan, Get Married, Become the a doctor like you wanted....Kyra wont have you there to teach her all the things big sisters are supposed to teach there lil sisters and everyday that just gets worse,the pain sucks....I haven't gotten out of bed much this week..i get Kyra off to school and I just lay back in bed till its time to go get her, I don't leave the house unless I need to do something for your sister why bother there is nothing to do...so I just lay in bed and cry until I have to be MOM and its killing me because I Miss you, I Miss your voice, your touch, your snuggles, your I love You Mommy's and I just cant stop waiting to wake up from this horrible dream and have you walk in the door from being with Nana or Poppy and yell Mommy im home...I know rationally that will never happen because I look at your Urn with you in it everyday but My heart isn't rational and I want you back so bad....FUCKING CANCER ROBBED YOU FROM US AND I WANT YOU BACK!!!!!!!!!! I want to be at the Fair with you pulling you in your wagon while the crazy castle balllon you got which was bigger then you keeps smacking people as we walk, I want you to be climbing that damn rock wall and jumping on the trampoline...I want all the time back that we were supposed to get and im so angry and sad that no matter how much I want it, it will never happen......NOBODY comes to see me or Kyra....we are forgotten now by most because your not with us...that's how Kyra feels and most days honestly that's who I feel...I know most people cant handle my grief so they stay away and they all have there lives to live...but we are stuck and cant move forward....we have Nana and Poppa John always and we know that even if I do push them away a lot because I just cant deal wih all the pain im havin a hard enough time with mine and kyras....But I told someone close to me today whose family member just lost a child...don't ask them if they need you to be there, just go, show up and push your way in because even if they don't say it, they need you...and honestly its true...I will NEVER ask someone to come here or to take me somewhere,i will never ask someone for help but I wouldn't refuse a Hug or a phone call if someone showed up either....I am trying to hold on baby and do all the things you wanted I honestly am but some days/weeks are just harder then others and the smallest things set me off...it could be a smell that reminds me of you, a picture of you and aunt dari just had me freak out....Putting your clothes in bags to give away was the worst because everytime I gave something away I felt like I lost another piece of you and im not sure how many more pieces I can lose without losing my mind.....I pray to the universe everynight that your safe and happy now where your at...BUT I will NEVER believe that your in a better place because the best place for your is in my arms and your not there.....I Love You Baby and miss you with all that I am xoxoxoxo hope your climbing that rock wall in heaven and making it to the top everytime!!!!!!!!!

7 months of hell on earth

Hi Baby...its been 7 months since you fought your last battle and went on to fight for others....We ALL Miss You So much it hurts and what NOBODY understands is that it wasn't just YOU that we lost, we lost Our Hospital Family too, we lost the people that we came to love over the 4yrs...the kids, the nurses that kept mommy sane, the doctors we loved...ALL of them gone the minute you took your last breathe......it feels like I have to start all over....I wake up in the middles of the night and want to walk out of my room and talk to KJ who always gave it to me straight no matter...I want to wake up and walk out and see Mel,Robbi, Jason, Tom,Joe,Laura,Kymmie,Deb,Donnna,Juanita,Sevasty,Bonnie,Kendra,Amy,Mel Mel, and so many others that were always there when Mommy needed someone to talk to and who ALWAYS Treated You like a princess and NEVER treated you like a number....I can still hear that nurse in CHOP asking you what hospital you liked better, yours or theres and you said I Like MY Hospital better the Nurses are Nicer....And it was true because at CHOP you were a casenumber and at Danville You were a Child with a name and your name was Audrianna or as you told the surgical nurse one time when she asked your name PRINCESS DIEGO MUFFIN HEAD lol you told her you were going to marry Diego someday...so that's the name she wrote on your chart!!!!!!! You always made people smile no matter what, even when you were scared or in the worst pain of your life you had the ability to make other people laugh or smile.....I know when people read this they will think im crazy BUT I miss the ride to Danville with you...that's how we learned all the words to Puff The Magic Dragon together after poppa john put it on repeat on a disk for you and it played exactly 18 times each way...I know every word to this day because it was your favorite song from the first time Woody Wolfe sang it for you...I Miss the clinic nurses...Barbie,Deb,Becky they always made you feel loved and you loved your Barbie so much she is/was a wonderful person and loved you with her whole heart....I miss being admitted with you even though it drove us both crazy most of the time BUT it also made us so much closer because all we had was each other...I miss not knowing how the other babies/Kids we met along the way are doing...I follow some of them on facebook and I jump for joy when they are ok and I cry when they aren't...Hannah just had her last chemo and is getting her port out and I am so thrilled for her but god I wish you were there to celebrate with her...I heard the hospital has tye-dye gold t-shirts with a gold ribbon this year for September...do you remember how hard Mommy pushed for that last year? How loud I yelled about the pink ones they were selling in September for breast cancer and how they should have waited till oct and done gold for the kids? Well I guess either someone listened to me or someone else had the same idea but who cares it is happening they listened but im pissed off that neither of us are there to see it.....I miss taking you to the turle fountain and letting you toss pennies in and then taking you to see Miss Kathy in the gift shop...remember how we did our Christmas shopping there last year baby....NOTHING is the same now...your gone and so is all of that and Mommy Hurts so bad and doesn't know how to Move Forward with this Different life now...I don't cry where Kyra can see me because I don't want her to hurt or to see me hurting But I cry every night once she is asleep...I sleep with Your Bunny, Your Audrianna doll Aunt Dena gave you and Your Bald American Girl doll you named Hannah Who looks like you with her blue eyes,her hearing aides and dressed in her Princess Jazmine outfit you picked out for her....those are all I have left of you other then ashes and memories....I take Kyra to school everyday and watch her goto class in Your old classroom that You Loved so much but didn't get to spend a lot of time in and it kills me that your not there because you loved school so much...I don't know how to go back to being Normal as people put it to me...Normal is You here with us, Normal is you riding your bike and your sister running behind you because she hates pushing the peddles on her bike, normal is you laughin and playing till you couldn't anymore and then asking for meds at bed cause you over did it and hurt yourself but you never wanted to miss a minute of being NORMAL.....Aunt Dari came to visit a we went to Amiee's Walk together and let me tell you it didn't feel normal, I felt like an outsider, like without you I didn't belong there...even having Aunt Dari here and feeling her love didn't feel normal it felt like we were going through the paces because we loved you so much and now you weren't here...Gwen wants to come visit and I love her and her family but I don't know how that's gonna go either, You and Kyra were always the ones that made her and Alana and Kathy smile...I was just the Mom...now it will just be Kyra alone and I don't know how normal that's gonna be for any of us...we want to see them we miss them and they miss us...im just not sure if any of us are gonna be able to smile through this first big visit without you..Every first is Horrible, I smile and nod and act ok but im not...im always dying inside and pretending...I have been pretending for 7 months and it doesn't get better...I know everyone wants me to be better, they want me to be happy and start moving forward and god im trying baby but its not the same...Nana and I don't talk much anymore and I know its my fault I pushed her away..she has always been my mom and my best friend but when you died I lost it and so did she, we couldn't handle each others grief....And I still cant...I don't know how to talk to her anymore, I don't know how to just be with her like before,we have grown so far apart and I don't know how to get us back...I Love her she is my mom and has always been my rock.....BUT I feel like I cant tell her things anymore because she judges me and makes me feel bad and I know that's probably all in my head but its how I feel...Please help me get through this baby I need her back.....ALMOST as bad as I need you back :( ....I would do anything just to hold you in my arms one more time and hear you say I Love You Mommy and so I could say I love You Audrianna........

19 weeks and no relief from pain in sight

Hi Baby....I cant believe its been 19weeks since you went to play with the angel's...these have been the hardest weeks of my life....nothing seems right without you here, everything is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it...it feels like a roller coaster ride that will never end...most days I can get through with the fake smile and telling everyone im ok even when im not...most people wont question it because they really don't want to know so the Im Ok response works....my emotions are all over the place and I am so lost without you...I smile and take care of sissy because she needs me and most days I can make it through without falling apart but then somedays like today I just cant....I decided it was time to finish going through your clothes today and work on going through your toys and getting things ready to be donated to other kids who can use these things...I knew it would be hard but I didn't think it would be devastating...everytime I touched a toy that you loved my heart would break because you were never going to hold it again...so many of your Favorite stuffed animals that still had the hospital wristbands with your name and medical record number around there necks as collars so if we left them in the hospital someone would know who it belong to...everytime I picked one of them up I would remember where or how you got it and how long you cuddled with it and my heart hurt so bad knowing you didn't have any of them to cuddle with now.....And your beautiful clothes that your never gonna wear again...the tutu we made in the hospital with Miss Samantha...some of the things I just cant part with...It hurts to much to think of someone else playing with it or wearing it....so I kept a big bag of stuff, bigger then id normally keep because well we all know daddy is the hoarder and mommy is the thrower away-er....but not today, today I hoarded all your memories into a bag and cried because that's all I have left of you...a gooddamn bag full of stuff and an Urn full of ashes and it is so fucking unfair, you should be here with us, swimming with your sister...who by the way you would be so proud of because she learned to go underwater!!!!!!!!!!! You should be sitting in your butterfly garden watching the butterflies like we were today, You should be getting excited to see your cousins on Monday and dammit your not here for any of these things and it's just not right...no Mom or Dad should EVER outlive there baby....It is the most devastating thing ever....I know why Grandma Gerry was never the same after uncle jimmy was hit by the drunk driver now, I know her pain and it SUCKS...the only thing that gets me through most days is the HOPE that your ok, the thought that your pain is gone now and the dream of seeing you again one day...I love You Baby

3 months and it seems like yesterday

It's been a little over 3 months since you are gone baby and for all of us it still seems like yesterday...we are all trying so hard to smile and be happy like we know you would want us to be but it is so goddamn hard...Kyra misses you so much and she cries almost everynight about how she misses her sissy and wishes god would give you back, she doesn't understand that can never happen..that you are an angel now and there is no way for you to come back...hell I don't understand why this had to happen and im an adult...so I know how hard this must be for a 5yr old..i called a therapist today and left a message hoping that I can get Kyra in to see her and well me too because my heart cant take much more, Tonight Kyra had a major meltdown and cried forever telling me how much she misses you and that you were the best sister in the world, how you were always there for her and protected her when other kids were mean to her, how you never let anyone pick on her or push her around because she was your baby sister and she misses that, she misses your hugs and your smile even when you were grumpy, I wish I could make this better for her so bad, I wish I could pull a magical miracle out of my pocket and bring you back for her...god baby if there was a way that I could trade places with you I would,if there was a way that I could beg the universe to return you and take me in your place I would do it in a heartbeat..i asked so many times when you were alive to let the cancer take me instead of you and let you live, id have sold my soul to the devil to make that happen because you deserved a chance to live dammit, you deserved a chance to grow up, goto prom, get married, have babies,all the things I see my others friends kids doing right now and it just breaks my heart over and over that ill never see you do those things BUT I swear to you I will make sure Kyra does all of them and she never feels left out...I have been trying to stay off facebook and the computer as much as I can because I cant handle watching anymore of your friends/kids we have grown to love die from this damn disease or any other for that matter YET it doesn't stop it from happening...Bella is home on hospice and doesn't have long before she will be needing you to wait at the gates for her baby and take her hand and show her around...and there are so many others,sigh...everytime one of them hurts or dies its like losing you all over again and some people say I shouldn't get attached to these kids and I should back away and hide my heart but then who will fight to make sure people know that all of you need help??? I need to fight to make you proud of me and to help the ones that are still here....we are working so hard on your garden,the dedication of it and the memorial bike run in your name so that we can raise money and get your Foundation up and running to help other kids, I tye-dyed the bench we got because I knew you would love the pretty colors I know your looking down from heaven smiling. Please send mommy and sissy some warrior strength baby we really need it right now and can you please send Nana some and whisper in her ear that your all right because I think she needs it a lot......the world just hasn't been the same since you left it baby...the song that goes through my head everytime I think of you is THERE AINT NO SUNSHINE SINCE SHE'S GONE and that's what it feels like, that the day you died all the sunshine went out of our worlds..Tonight I sang your favorite songs to Kyra to try and get her to sleep...it was so hard for me to sing puff the magic dragon to her because that was always your song but she wanted to hear it so I sang..But instead of lil Jackie paper she made me change the words to lil audri paper...so now it's her song with You.....then I sang hush lil baby to her because that was always a favorite to both of you and she cried because at the end I sang and you will always be the cutest lil Kyra in town and she said remember when you always used to sing and audri and Kyra will always be the cutest lil girls in town and when I said yes she cried more and said I wish we were still together in the song mommy...so I sang it again and put both of you back in the song and that's when she finally went to sleep...I hope she is dreaming of you and that your giving her beautiful dreams to hold onto baby....Love always Mommy

Lost without you

Hi Baby...the last few days have been so hard...our neighbor decided that we cant share the yard anymore because all the neighborhood kids and uncle dennys kids were running through the yard and along side his house so he got mad and told us we had to move your swingset and everything off his part of the yard which until then he let us share...mommy had to go buy a fence and put it up so geena and the kids cant be on his side...this leaves us with a yard smaller then a postage stamp, your trampoline barely fits and we aren't sure if we are gonna be able to put the swingset in the yard or have to take it to nana's...when we had to move it I had a total breakdown because that was YOURS and it was the first thing we had to get you when you got sick because you couldn't goto the park like other kids...to most people this might seem like a trivial thing having to move a swingset but to me it was like losing you all over again..its bad enough ill never see you swing high enough to try and hit the top of the canopy like you were flying ever again but now we might not even be able to keep something that meant so much to you..every memory I have of you in the last four years in the summertime revolvs around that swingset...to me it felt like the day you died all over again and I don't know how many more pieces of you I can lose without losing my mind..i haven't stopped crying for days,everytime I go outside and see your swingset across the street in toms yard waiting for it to see if we can move it back to ours or take it apart and move it to nana's I start crying again...I feel like the hits keep coming, like it was bad enough i had to lose you now i have to lose the parts of you i have left...people keep telling me this is going to get easier but it doesn't..everyday without you is like another day I feel like im swimming under water and cant find my way back to the top Your birthday is coming in 8 days and Kyra wants to have a cake for you and let balloons go up to heaven with messages written on them so you can read them when they get to you, I am glad that she is talking about you and wanting to do these wonderful things to make her feel closer to you and make her feel better because at least I know im doing ok by her and she is healing....now if only I could find a way to make myself start to heal...I want to lay in the dark on your birthday by myself and just close my eyes and cry because im not holding you...but I cant do that because I have to be strong for sissy and everyone else...I wish there was someone who was always strong for me..i feel like if im not the strong one that everyone around me will crumble too because we are ALL having such a hard time with you not being here and well someone has to be strong and isn't that a mom's job? I was just sitting outside crying alone in the dark when the chimes started going and it started to rain and I felt like it was you telling me not to cry because you always hated when I cried and when I couldn't stop I felt like you were crying with me...so I sucked it up, stopped crying and came inside to write to you instead and the rain stopped...im glad since then I felt like you stopped crying, I never wanted anything but yours and Kyra's happiness and I tried so hard to give both of you that even when you were battling that horrible disease that was stealing your childhood and eventually your life...please forgive me if I stumble along the way now with Kyra but I am trying so hard to keep her happy and healthy...the school year is almost over and Kyra will be graduating from pre-school but she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to leave helping hands..she says but mommy that was audri's school I don't want to leave..and even when I tell her that you went to Arthur Street for Kindergarten and she is gonna go there and have Miss Frumkin just like you did she says its not the same because you weren't there as long as you were at Helping Hands...please send your sister some warrior strength so she can be ok for kindergarten in the fall baby and while your at it give some to mommy so I can handle watching her go off to KG knowing she is my last baby and im sending her off to Big Kid School...I didn't cry when you went because you were so excited to actually be allowed to goto KG that it made me so happy to see you there but I did wait on pins and needles till you got out the first day and told me how much you loved it...I think with Kyra its gonna be so much harder because I know you wont be there to show her the ropes like she and I always expected you to be..i know the staff at the school will take great care of her, but its still going to hurt my heart knowing your not there in first grade where you belong...I know im rambling now so im gonna stop writing but I love You Baby..Sleep Sweet with Your Angel Friends...Love Mommy

10 very long weeks

I cannot believe that I has been 10 weeks since the last time I held you in my arms or heard you say I love you mommy...I miss you so much it physically hurts...Baby I know that your not in pain anymore and your dancing with the angel's but it doesn't make it any better because I want you here and out of pain, I want you to be whole and happy and riding your bike with all the neighborhood kids this summer...the last couple days have been extremely hard because its been nice outside so all the kids are riding there bikes and I keep expecting to see you come around that corner yelling look at me mom im going so fast with a big smile on your face...the kids are also jumping on the new trampoline that you and Kyra got for Christmas and you should be there jumping with them and doing flips with that smile that lights up the world..i hope your up in heaven using the clouds as a trampoline and bouncing along with your sister..... Having the other kids to play with has been helping Kyra a lot, she is sleeping better and not crying as much which is wonderful,so I sit outside and I smile and watch them play for her and the whole time im missing you so much I want to cry...I am trying very hard to stay busy...Me and Miss Heather are getting the butterfly garden going and Miss Amy is working on the memorial run to dedicate the garden so that we can get your foundation up and running...now mommy is trying to find a lawyer to help me with all the legal jargon which im told is impossible!!!!!!! But I am determined that we are going to get everything up and running and help other kids and not just kids with cancer, any child that has a chronic life threatening illness from newborn to 21 because we saw a lot of different kids when you were sick and some of there diseases don't have any type of foundations to help them...I know that everytime we help another child your going to be there holding my hand and saying good job mommy...these are the things getting me through the day, even when I don't want to get out of bed...today I sent sissy to school and went right back to bed because its Friday and I just couldn't handle it...now she is home and outside playing and smiling so im gonna go out and sit with her and megan and logan and watch them have fun.....I Love you baby and your forever in my heart...have fun with your angel friends xoxoxo

9 weeks without you

Hi Baby I cant believe its been 9 weeks since the last time I saw your beautiful smile or heard you laugh...our hearts are so broken and we just don't know how to go on and LIVE NORMAL whatever that is...people tell me all the time I have to get back into a NORMAL ROUTINE...hell I have no clue what normal is anymore,after years of hospitals and long car drives listening to puff the magic dragon on repeat(exactly 18 times from Hazleton to Danville) I feel so lost when I get in the car and im not driving to the hospital and your not in the back seat going mom can you put woodys cd in or mom can you make my movie work,mom I need a drink,mom I dropped my French fries on the floor...I miss all of that so much its scary..another thing I miss and im sure people reading this are going to think im crazy BUT I miss the hospital...you and I had both made so many friends there and now I feel like not only did I lose you but I lost all of them..the nurses that I could talk to about anything(especially my 3rd shift girls who kept me sane many a night)..the other kids that we kept track of and who became like family...I miss not knowing if they are ok...I miss having someone to talk to that understands what im feeling and doesn't judge how crazy I actually feel all the time....And most of ALL I miss YOU...id do anything to turn back time for one last hospital visit just to hear you yell at me that the lights are to bright or the tv is too loud or you have to pee...any of those things and id give anything to crawl into that bed with you and just hold you,snuggle and talk about all of your dreams and you had alot of them....I am trying to make some of those dreams come true...Miss Heather,Abby and Noah are helping Mommy get everything together for your butterfly garden at your school,its going to be beautiful baby just beautiful....Aunt Amy is helping mommy put together a memorial bike run to help raise money to finish the garden and get your foundation up and running so mommy can help other kids just like you wanted me to...I have already had a couple of families asking me about when its going to be ready, im working on getting bylaws and have a lawyer help me with everything so I can get rolling...Also Penny and Kelly are holding a dance to help raise money...don't worry baby we wont let you down we are going to do everything we can to make Audrianna's Butterfly Wish Foundation a reality......we celebrated Nana's Birthday on the 15th and it was so hard because you weren't there,when we cut the cake and you weren't there to eat a piece a part of my heart broke off and baby im not sure how many more pieces I can lose...this Saturday is the Helping Hands Telethon,Kyra is going to sing with all the kids and I have to go and smile for her when all I can think about is the fact that you should be up there singing with her like you were the last 2yrs...you loved that school and you loved to sing in front of the camera because you were such a ham...I know you will be there with us and you will help sissy remember the words like you always did because she tends to freeze up in front of crowds and tv camers, unlike you who loved every second of the lime light....And your birthday is coming next month...another first without you,these firsts are killers...they are so hard and its so hard for ALL of us especially mommy to fake that smile and get through it...Kyra asked me today if we could have a cake for you and I said yes we would have a cake and we would eat a piece just for you...she smiled and said I think audri would like that mommy...and then we are gonna get balloons and write things on them we want you to know and send them up so you can read them in Heaven...there is not a second of any day that goes by that we don't think about you...everywhere we go there are signs that your with us..people I have never met walk up and ask me if im your mom and then tell me how you touched there lives because you were so strong and courageous....and I tell them that you were then and always will be MY HERO that you taught me more about life and how to live it in your 6yrs then I ever would have learned on my own and I can never thank you enough for choosing me to be your mommy...All I ever wished for you was to live life to the fullest and be happy and you did and now with all that I am I hope that your the happiest angel in heaven because your whole again...no more disease wasting away your body, you have wonderful long curly strawberry blonde hair again and you can laugh and jump and play with all your friends...I love you Baby Close to My Heart Baby You are My Sunshine now and always

Lonely Nights

Hi Baby....I miss you so much and the nights are the worst...once the house is quiet and there is nothing to keep my mind busy all i do is think of you and miss you...During the day i try to keep busy..i take care of sissy, take her on play dates..today we went to clim-a-lot with Michelle and Ali and the girls had such a good time,everytime i saw them laugh or smile i thought Audrianna would have loved this and she would have loved Ali(kyra's new friend)i tried really hard not to be sad and i put on my smile for everyone..we even went out for pizza afterwards and the girls had a good time,so did mommy but i just felt like there was a missing empty seat the whole time and there was because you werent there...Now Kyra is spending the night over Nicole's House with Morganna and i am here all alone and the house is so quiet and i am so lost...i tried laying there watching tv and hoping to fall asleep but it didnt happen....tomorrow the house will be even quieter for a while because Dustin is leaving for rehab...he decided he needs to get better and do something with his life so he is going to rehab and then hoping to join the military...he wants to make YOU proud baby...he misses you so much and he tries not to show it because ya know he is big tough boy..but his heart is broken, he misses his brat,he misses you asking him to cook him stuff and get you drinks in the middle of the night because you were both such night owls...he never says it but i know how much he misses you and he hurts without you...Geena has taken to sleeping with Dustin because she misses you so much..she runs in your room and over to where your bed was(kyra's bed is there now) and she jumps on the bed and howls because your not there, then she runs to dustins room for comfort and now dustin is leaving too for a while...poor geena i think she will be as lost and lonely as mommy is...I am so Proud of Dustin for trying to get his act together and hoping and praying with all that i am that he can do this..for himself....Kyra is having a hard time, she is so lonely without you,she misses snuggling in bed with you,playing dolls or just watching tv with her sister...she talks about you evernight and tells me how sad she is that your in heave...she says mommy do you know who i miss and I always say who baby and she says Audri...i wish Audri would come home and i say me too baby me too....there is so much heartache right now,we are all trying so hard to go on without you but the pain is some days unbearable....Daddy went to Indiana for a few days to see Larry because he needed to get out of the house...Uncle Denny mopes around because he misses you so bad,he snuggles your pennstate pillow pet everynight and hugs geena alot because he loves her too...it's almost Easter and Mommy is having a very hard time,i bought Kyra an Easter Dress and all i could think is im not buying you one,that i will never see you pretty in pink again...it took all that i had to buy her dress and easter basket because i wasnt buying 2.....but i did it because Kyra needs to celebrate easter and not be forgotten and even if i just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head i cant because your sister needs me...Someday Kyra will read back over these blogs when she is older and realize how much i loved you both...Because sometimes i think she thinks i loved you more and thats not the case i have always loved you both equally and with all my heart...if i didnt id have never been able to go on when you died baby...if it wasnt for Kyra id have laid down and died with you of a broken heart,but i knew my other baby needed me to stand up and go home and be with her...and we will get through our broken hearts together....everyone is trying to help Kyra cope...Nana and Poppa John have been there for her as they always are and helped her alot,PoppyO takes her shopping with the boys on thursdays,Bret and Lizzie took her to NJ where she spent the night at Lizzie's house, played with the dogs and then went to the aquarium which she loved...Dustin has been super nice to her...she has gone to Katie and Anthony's to play with Jessica Alot,and Morganna has been a very good friend to her,Aunt Anna and Hope have been there alot for Kyra and made sure she gets to Dance when mommy just cant get out of bed...I am so thankfull to the people that have stepped up to show Kyra she is still loved and i might not be able to say that to them without crying right now but i hope they all know that i appreciate everything they have done.....while im still falling apart and trying to find my way without you other people have stepped up to help show your sister she is Loved.....The Bounce place helped give her an awesome monster high birthday party, jamie and dakpta of course helped make that very special......I just want you to know sissy is Ok, she is sad but ok....I know im rambling baby but these are all the thoughts jumbled in my head that i would have normally talked to you about You were always my best friend,we would sit up together at night and talk about anything and everything and even though you were physically a 6yr old you were such an old soul and you always knew what to say...if Kyra was acting out you would say Mom she is just a kid she doesnt mean it...if something got broken i would hear MOM it was just an accident we didnt mean it lol you always had an answer for everything and god i miss that...YOU always stuck up for your lil sister too...if daddy or anyone was Yelling at Kyra you would get so Mad and say Leave My sister alone she is just a baby or just a kid she doesnt understand and you would stomp your lil foot...you and daddy used to get in yelling matches because you would stomp your foot,put your hand on your hip and say Dad,leave my sister alone she is just a kid sheesh and he would say Audrianna dont you stomp your foot at me and mommy would sit there snickering and trying to hide my smile because you were so serious and who could stay mad at that face...Not Me thats for sure....now Mommy sticks up for kyra the way you used to because your not here...but she told me she needs a new sister to do that for her...i told her that Emille volunteers to be her big sister because mommy isnt having anymore babies....Please have the angel's watch over Emilee baby she is in the hospital and needs alot of angel power right now....well i better let you go back to sparkling your angel dust on people who need it...I love You Baby!!!!!

Missing you

Depresion is a horrible thing,i know i need to get up and i need to function, cook,clean, take care of kyra....but all i want to do is sleep all day and all night....its the only time i still get to see audrianna...so why wake up?? I hate that i feel like im letting everyone down especially Kyra, but right now i just cant seem to function like a *normal* person...i dont want to be on the computer talking to my friends or blogging or taking care of audrianna's wish...i just want to sleep and hope not to take up....ugh i am not insane either im just sad and tired and Lost....and when i do go out and do something i feel guilty like i shouldnt be having a nice time without her..i know that's irrational and not at all how audrianna would want me to feel but it doesnt mean its something i can stop. Every night i listen to Kyra tell me how much she misses her sister and she wants her back, how she is mad at the angel's for taking her to play with them when she should be here playing with her,how she wants her to come home and she needs her big sister to teach her things, cuddle with her and play dolls..and everynight my heart shatters over and over because i cant fix this for her...i cant bring her sister back and i couldnt save her no matter how hard we both fought the cancer still won and she is still gone.I feel like i failed her, if i would have fought harder,pushed for more experimental treatments..something then maybe she would still be here,but the other side of my brain knows that we made the right decision letting her stop treatment because her body couldnt take anymore and she got to LIVE the last couple months of her life...but that still doesnt make me feel better even if it should………………..i have no patience with Kyra either,she is of course acting out and pushing her limits because she doesn’t know how else to express herself but I can only handle it for so long before I find myself yelling at her to stop. I love her with my whole heart but everything just seems to loud,to awful and to hard for Both of us right now and we are trying to find our way without driving each other crazy and so far we haven’t found that happy medium. My friends all have there own lives and there own problems, they work and have kids and there lives go on…while mine is stalled and I feel like its never going to start back up.They all say we are here for you if you need us and ya know if push came to shove they prolly would be, but I wont ask because I know they have there own stuff…so unless someone shows up or calls or offers to do things…I just sit here alone and most days I don’t even bother showering,why bother im not going anywhere im gonna lay in bed and wish the day was over before it even started.Do I know this isn’t good for me,yes but can I stop it..NO…I know every second that she has been gone…and it feels like a knife has been stuck in my chest and just keeps twisting…the littlest things make me fall apart…ask me to handle something big like a cut off finger im good but ask me to go shoe shopping and I see a pair of shoes audri would have liked and that’s it im crying and have to leave the store and go home to bed. Denny had his kids this weekend for the first time since Audrianna died, Kyra was thrilled uncle denny’s kids were coming and she would have her cousins here to play with…I was fine with it I really was…then the kids got here and the first question out of them was whats the vase…And then I had to explain that it was audrianna and then I had to explain cremation and why she wanted to be creamated and that’s how she ended up In the vase…the kids were very respectfull and asked so many good questions but omg it was so fucking hard to sit there and not cry and explain this to them….then it was bedtime and all the kids were settled for the night and I laid there and cried and cried waiting for kyra to fall asleep so I could leave the room because there was one empty spot…there should have been 5 babies tucked in and there were only 4….i left the room and was awake till almost 7am when my eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer because I couldn’t handle going back into that room and laying in my bed without audrianna….it was yet just another reminder that she was really gone and she wasn’t coming back, another twist of the knife in my heart and yet I smiled and went on because that’s what I needed to do to make the kids feel ok…..we even took the kids to chuckie cheese and let them play and run off energy and then on Sunday before they went home we took them to climb-a lot, and the whole weekend all I could think is omg she should be here, this hurts so bad and this fake smile is killing me…and once the kids were gone and we were home Sunday night I didn’t get out of my bed till today when my mom needed a ride home from the eye doctor,because I couldn’t handle one more thing,one more moment of something audrianna would have loved without her…it just seems like the world is so dark now, that the day she died so took the sunshine with her and everything is just dark and grey now…people politely ask how are you,are you ok, are you hanging in there…and I smile and say yes we are hanging in there we are ok and the whole time im thinking No,No we are NOT ok…we will NEVER be ok without her….we are all hanging on and going through the motions but life is not the same,how can it be? Easter is coming and for most people Easter is a happy time that they spend with family and they rejoice over life and being alive….for me and my family Easter is a reminder of the day she was diagnosed with Cancer and when she relapsed…Easter is not happy for me..i know its not Easters Fault BUT that’s when our lives fell apart and they have never been the same since.So while most people will be out having a nice dinner and wearing pretty clothes I will be trying to get out of bed so Kyra can open her easter basket and take her to nana’s for dinner and yet the whole time I will be screaming in my head for the covers and my bed because Audrianna wont be here to celebrate with her sister,she wont be wearing a pretty dress, trading the chocolates and jelly beans she doesn’t like for the ones kyra doesn’t like..telling Poppa John how to make the ham or the sweet potatoes the way she likes them…our first Easter without her and I don’t know how any of us are going to get through it…if only I could find a time machine and go back and make a wish that would come true…id wish that cancer never existed so that Audrianna would still be alive and here with us and I think any parent who has ever lost a child would make the same wish……All I think everynight as I cry myself to sleep is please let her be ok, please let her be happy and please let us learn to live without her so that one day we can all be ok and happy till we see her again

1 month seems like an eternity

Hi Baby...i cant believe its been a whole month today since you took your last breathe in my arms...my world has such a Hole in it without you...i do all the things people expect me to do, i smile when they think i should, laugh if everyone else is laughing, get up and feed and clothe your sister and make sure she goes to school(most days)and just try and do the *normal* things the world expects so that i dont end up getting locked in a looney bin. All i want to do is lay in the bed with the covers over my head,hugging your favorite teddy bear and cry all day or sleep in hopes that when i wake up this will all have been a terrible nightmare and you will still be with us...you would still be N.E.D. and have hair,playing with your sister and fighting like normal sisters do...NOT DEAD because the medicine didnt work and the tumors kept growing till we said enough is enough and took you home to LIVE your life. NOBODY understands this unless they have walked this road...losing a child is the most devestating thing that can happen to a parent, your not supposed to OUTLIVE your babies and when you do you dont know how to go on without them so you put on a FAKE smile, try to remember to shower and get dressed and leave the house at least once a week so your friends/family dont get too worried and stage an intervention.People dont realize how hard it is for me to go places, so many people loved you that no matter where i go someone says are you Audrianna's Mom and of course im so proud of you i say yes absolutely i am her mom and then i hear the inevitable...I'm So Sorry for your Loss,She is in a better place grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr then it takes all i have not to punch someone...BECAUSE THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE FOR YOU THEN IN MY ARMS! I know these people are not trying to say anything hurtfull and they are saying this out of Love for you but it is absolutely one of the worst things to say to a grieving parent.Evertytime this happens i smile and thank them because they loved you and then i go home and cry because your not in my arms. I find myself not wanting to leave the house at all and when i do i never go anywhere for long because i always want to go home, where you are. We switched the bedroom around and set up a beautiful cabinet with your ashes on it and now i just feel like there is no reason to leave because thats where you are and i get anxious when im not around you....to any person other then another parent who has lost a child this is going to sound completely crazy but this is what happens to the mom's/dad's who are left behind. We are left looking for you in every flower, ever cloud, ever dream, every butterfly....just trying to get some sign that Your ok...You fought so hard and you were so brave for so long and i know your body was weak and worn down and you were to tired to fight anymore, so i told you it was ok to go that yes we would miss you everyday but we didnt want to watch you suffer anymore...and you told me that when you met god you would tell him Thank You for letting you be my lil girl...i am forever greatfull for that and in the comfort of knowing you believed in god, even if i am having a really hard time believe that any GOD could let babies suffer and die...i believe there is somewhere we all go to be together when we pass and i believe in angel's BUT i can no longer believe that there is One all Powerfull god pulling the strings because if there was GOD would protect the innocent children like it says in the bible he wouldnt sit back and watch you suffer and die from horrifying diseases and any parent that has ever sat on an oncology floor would tell you the same thing that after seeing what they saw it makes it very hard for them to believe in god.....FOR me i knew there were angel's around you because you used to tell me they talked to you, when you were really sick you told me about talking to angel Aimee and you had never even met Aimee we didnt even know her family till after she passed yet you could describe her perfectly....you also told me about talking to kelly after she passed and how she came to you and told you not to be afraid that heaven was a beautiful place...when we went in the hot air balloon and we were stuck in the cloud you asked Mom is this what heaven looks like and i said i think so baby and you replied well then id never be afraid to go there its beautiful....these are the things i think of when i cant get out of bed, how brave you were, how you werent afraid to Die(yet we are afraid to live without you)how you had made your peace and knew the angel's were going to come for you...you didnt gasp for breathe or struggle at the end, you just closed your eyes and went peacefully in our arms. I want to stand and shout at the sky for the angel's to bring you back that it wasnt your time there was a mistake,you still have so much to teach your lil sister and us...but i know you wouldnt want that just like you dont want me hiding under the covers. I am trying to be the person i know you would want me to be, i have set things in motion to keep fighting for you and other kids so no other parent has to go though the devestation im feeling right now...i am getting the bench done for your butterfly garden, working on stepping stones and butterfly bushes...and trying to find someone to help me with the legal stuff to get Audrianna's Wish turned into a foundation/501-c so that we can help other kids like you and other families that are scared and dont know where else to turn. I am the only voice you have left baby and i plan on using it...its just right now its so damn hard so please dont hate mommy if it takes a lil longer then i thought it would because im drowning in sorrow.....i love you baby and miss you more then words can say...hugs your angel friends for me and send my love...till we meet again xoxoxo mommy

Hi Baby i cant believe its been 2weeks since the last time i held you in my arms,the pain i feel without you is unimaginable...i am so empty inside that i cant even cry.I promised you that i would make sure you had a wonderful celebration of life and i would have everyone wear bright colors and there would be balloons and happiness and baby there was, it was beautiful...when the balloons went up they actually looked like a butterfly flying away.I havent cried since that day and i think i only cried once then,now i just feel like there are no tears left because i am frozen inside..i wish i could cry because then maybe i would feel better letting it all out but i just can't,so instead i am keeping myself as busy as i can be,never stopping for long because i might have to feel and then id fall down. I am working on getting your butterfly garden done in the spring with 2 benches one from the monument company and a wooden one both if possible in the shape of a butterfly and engraved.I am also working on gettin your foundation going..i am determined to turn Audrianna's Wish into a 501-c and help other kids which is what you wanted. Right now i am also trying to get a Pediatric Cancer Awareness Bear made for September so that kids who are fighting this battle will have something special just for them to hold onto and the siblings who have lost someone to cancer can have something also...i of course ran into a few road blocks but do you think that will stop me? UMM NO because it wouldnt have stopped You and i can hear you in my head saying You can do this Mommy, get this bear made for me!!! I have so many plans and so many people already contacting me for fundraiser to help with the butterfly garden and then foundation that it just amazes me because so many people love/loved you, that gives me so much Joy to know that in the 6yrs you were with us you touched so many lives and you will NEVER be FORGOTTEN.........................................................................Last Night Your Friends at PennState Hazleton Held a Candle Light Vigil for You,Aunt Amy...Nana..Poppa John and Daddy went and it was very beautifully done they even decorated the Lion for you with flowers and butterflies...all the pictures were so beautiful...Mommy couldnt go because i was sick with bronchitis and well because i just couldnt handle one more thing baby...i couldnt go and have everyone telling me how sorry they were and how your in a better place and sit there with my fake smile and nod and say it's ok yes she is when i really just want to scream...IT'S NOT OK...IT WILL NEVER BE OK AGAIN AND SHE ISNT IN A BETTER PLACE DAMMIT THE BEST PLACE FOR HER IS IN MY ARMS AND SHE ISNT THERE...and that's what i have been screaming in my head for 2 weeks while my fake smile has been in place and my face has been saying other things............................................................................Kyra really Misses you, she talks about you all the time and sometimes the things she says are so heartbreaking that i feel like im dying...she told me that her heart is broken in a million pieces because she doesnt have a sister anymore, and she tells me everynight *You Know who i Miss Mommy...Audri* And then she says she is mad at the angel's because they took you to play with them and you should be here playing with her...i tried to tell her the angel's took you to make you better and that now you have hair again and your chunky again and have beautiful pink wings because your not sick anymore...Kyra is glad for all that but she still wants her sister back...she is really upset that her birthday is coming on march 7th and at her party on the 9th you wont be there to bounce with her at the bounce place....she told me all she wants for her birthday is you to come back....i wish i knew how to make this better for her baby but i dont...how can i make it better for Kyra when i dont know how to make it better for me??? Please send your love and strength to us so we can get through this....We Love You Butterfly!

Cancer Sucks and we Miss You So Much!!!

Hi Baby..hope your having a wonderful time in heaven and that your surrounded by your friends and that your happy..We all Miss You So much. Kyra has been sleeping in mommy's bed ever since they took your hospital bed because she doesnt want to sleep alone in any other bed..it has been 10 days since your gone and we all keep expecting to hear your voice or see you walk into a room...I still wake up every 2hrs all night long IF i sleep at all because i hear your voice calling to me for medicine,I am glad your not in pain anymore but also angry that your not in my arms..The one thing i cannot stand and im about to scream if one more person says it to me is SHE IS IN A BETTER PLACE NOW grrr how can they say that, there is no better place for you then in my arms and baby i want you back so bad that sometimes i cant breathe from the pain of it...But i have my Fake smile on and im telling everyone im ok because thats what they want to hear...nobody wants to hear how sad i am or that i miss you so bad i want to lay down and die with you but i cant because your sister needs me and she needs me to be as strong for her as i always was for you...I wish i knew her as well as i know you..i feel like Kyra and i are strangers...yes we live in the same house but i dont really know her as well because she was always with Nana and i was always with you because you were so sick...so now Kyra and i are getting to know each other again.and we are working on not getting mad at each other over silly things because we are both so angry over missing you but so far we are doing great mostly because Kyra is a very good kid and she loves everyone which she learned from her big sister...her capacity to love is just as big and just as beautiful as yours was.Thank You for that baby,for helping your sister be the beautiful person she is today...Your brother Bret and His Fiance Lizz got Kyra a hello kitty from build a bear and they put your voice recording in it, the one where you tell her you love her and she is your best sister...everytime she squeezes that and i hear your voice it hurts so bad because i know i'll never hear your voice in person again But in another way its the perfect gift because once the pain isnt so raw,the fact that we can hear your voice everytime kyra hugs her hello kitty is a wonderful gift.Everywhere i turn there are pieces of you, i opened the freezer to see if there was anything to make for dinner tonight and your alfredo pasta fell out at me,it was like you were telling me you were hungry...all i could do was cry and put it back and then go lay down and cry...the littlest things take away my ability to function like a normal human being...I can be fine all day, I can go on TV and talk about you and stand on stage at a fundraiser to help raise awareness BUT let me look at a corndog or a sausage dog which you loved and i fall down into a puddle...I havent been able to touch a candy bar since the morning after you died and i found the bite size twix bar in my hand under your pillow..i know that was something you sent me but i cant bring myself to eat the candy bars in our room because they were yours...even kyra doesnt want them because she says they were Audri's mommy...Same with your pasta nobody will touch it because it was YOURS and we all feel like if we leave it there you will come back for it!!!!! Again not a rational thought but right now there arent many rational thoughts in this house except the one that we are all think...WE MISS YOU BABY AND WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!!!!!!!!

Lost in Space

Hi Baby we miss you,its been 5days since you were taken by this horrible disease and ripped from our arms to play with the Angel's.Mommy feels so lost without you,im barely sleeping/eating only when im so hungry the pains in my belly force me to eat and even then i feel nauseaous most of the time. Baby it has been you and me for so long that i dont know how to function without you,when i do sleep i wake up hearing your voice calling me and i jump up going what do u need baby does your belly hurt do u need benadryl and then i realize Your not there,im talking to air and i start crying all over again...everytime that happens i feel like my heart is being ripped out over and over but i wouldnt make it stop because then i wouldnt hear your sweet voice................Your sissy is having a very hard time with you being in heaven,she told me she is mad at god for taking you to play with the angel's because she needs you here to play with her and its not fair...she's right its not fair,none of this is fair dammit you should be here with kyra to celebrate her 5th birthday in 2weeks,she is so upset that you wont be there to watch her cut her cake,open her presents or play with her because so many times you celebrated your birthdays together....instead of 2 parties we would have one big one in the middle since kyras birthday is march 7th and yours is may 7th...kyra wants a monster high party and cake and she is mad you wont get to see it...i told her you would see it from heaven and that you would be there in her heart,but i have a hard time understanding that and im the adult so i know kyra is having a very hard time understanding those words and they arent giving her much comfort.This saturday which is only 4days away we are having a celebration of your life baby and i have printed so many pictures of you that i dont even know how to hang them all at this point,i dont think there was one moment of your life that wasnt captured on film and its so hard to just pick my favorites when they are all my favorites because your in them. We have 200 balloons in pink,purple and gold coming so we can do a balloon release and weather permitting we are also going to have doves flying which i know you would love. We were going to have a procession of motorcyles but Your making it snow on saturday i know you are so i told the bikes to wait till spring because i dont want anyone to get hurt while honoring your life. In the spring we are going to do a memorial run to raise money to help with your butterfly garden and your bench and it will be done the day we dedicate the garden which i know is going to look amazing! Ok baby i need to go and try and close my eyes again because of the really bad headache forming behind them but ill be back and we can talk again...I love you close to my heart and all the way to the angel's and back audrianna!!!!!!!

Overpowering Grief

Its been 33hrs since you took your last breath in my arms and i still feel like im holding you,i keep having to look down and shake myself because its just a phantom feeling of you in my arms and you arent really there.I am going through so many stages of anger,overwhelming sadness,laughter which i then feel guilty for..i feel like no matter what i say or do its never going to be right again.I slept in your bed last night clutching your teddy bear rosie and singing to her like i always sang to you until i cried myself into sleep from pure exhaustion,but you sent me a sign when i woke up...my hand was under your pillow and i was holding a mini-trix bar and i could hear you say *It's ok mommy it just a lil sugar it wont hurt you di-beates* and i thought your right baby it wont and ate that trix bar just for you.Mommy and Daddy had to go to the funeral home today and sign papers to have you creamated and pick out an urn, i couldnt find one i LOVED so for now i chose one i liked and i will get one i LOVE for your final resting place later,i wanted to see you again and they wouldnt let me which made me so ANGRY but the funeral director was very nice and told mommy that she had been through enough and that you were with the Angel's now and not in the body they have...Ya know what I WANTED TO SMACK HER AND SCREAM I DONT CARE THATS MY FUCKING BABY LET ME SEE HER...But i didnt because she was probably right even if it didnt feel that way. I hope that your with the Angel's running and jumping and cancer free now baby,with beautiful long hair and no more pain EVER..i know when you got there you told them that white wings were not your style you need a wand,glitter and pink wings asap and i also know that you were there to welcome Robert tonight when cancer took him from his family too baby....I wanted to ask you to please send Sissy some extra Angel love tonight she is very very sad...she keeps asking me when she will see you again and she told me how much she misses her sissy, she also says her heart is breaking in a million pieces because she cant see you anymore...i keep trying to tell her your always in her heart and you will always be with her but she is little and doesnt understand that...she cant understand why she can only see you in pictures...she broke down tonight and cried and told me she wants to got heaven with you because your her big sister and whenever she was scared you would cuddle with her and make her feel better,you always took care of her,played with her and went to mcdonalds playplace and climbalot with her and now she is afraid she will never have anyone to play with her again. She also said she is afraid to Die because you died,i told her that you were really really sick with cancer and that she isnt sick and doesnt need to be afraid of dying and she said but mommy everyone dies and someday you and me will die and be with audri...i told her yes but that someday wasnt going to be for a very very long time...But baby i know she didnt believe me...its 2am and she doesnt want to goto sleep even with mommy because i dont cuddle like you did, so she is in dustins room looking at dolls on the kindle and watching him play video games...i dont know how to make this better baby...i told her that my heart was breaking to and i didnt think there was enough super glue in the world to put our hearts back together now that your gone....then i waited for her to leave the bathroom and i punched the wall so many times i hurt my hand but it didnt know how else to let the pain and anger out,without you we are hurting so bad that we cant function and i know you wouldnt want this, i know you would want us to be happy your not hurting anymore and take care of each other but baby we cant figure out how yet. Daddy cries all the time, at the drop of a hat he cries, he picked up your lil teddy bear he gave you for valentines day and cried so hard i didnt think he would ever stop then kyra hugged him and said she loved him and he finally stopped crying....for me i wish a hug was enough...i keep falling down and i dont know how to drag myself back up..if it wasnt for aunt dari, aunt dena,uncle johnny,uncle billy,uncle denny,nana,poppa john, aunt kelly,aunt lori,aunt amy,aunt karen,aunt becky and all the people that are surrounding me right now id be in a puddle on the floor all the time,right now its only part time and im slowly crawling to my feet. Please send me strength baby so i can be ok to take care of your baby sister...sleep sweet with the angel's tonight audrianna and send sissy sweet dreams because she is finally ready for mommy to try and cuddle her as good as you always did

Audrianna passed away peacefully in my arms at 545pm friday febuary 15th after a very long hard fight. Her poor little body couldnt take anymore,she didnt want to go believe me she was fighting so hard to stay,kept saying mom and i love you untill she couldnt talk anymore and her breathing got labored and then her heart stopped beating...this is the reality of pediatric cancer that no parent should ever have to suffer....even worse was after and still now i hurt so bad i want to die i want to lay down and never wake up. I had to watch the funeral home zip my baby into a bag last night A FUCKING BAG i have never felt more helpless or more alone then in right that second...rationally i knew she was already playing with the Angel's who were waiting for her...Kelly,Tanner,Emily,Hudson,Kelsey,Ashley and so many others but i wasnt rational and all i could think is she is gonna be alone and cold and i have never left her before not once in her whole life how do i leave her now, just how.After i let them take her and we left the hospital, i couldnt get off the elevator, i felt like if i did id be admitting she was gone and i wasnt ready to admit that, my parents had to peel me off the floor because i couldnt do it alone.I came home and slept in her bed last night,with her teddy bear and her pillow and blanket because it smells like her and again today i need to call and tell them to come take her bed away because its a hospital bed on rental so thats just one more piece of her im losing...i feel like my heart is in so many pieces i will never be able to pick it up again and i dont know how to keep breathing without her.I am leaving in 2hours to go setup to have my child creamated and pickout an urn, yet another thing nobody should have to do for there 6yr old....FUCK YOU CANCER!