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50 Laurel Mall
Hazle Township, PA 18202
(570) 450-7830

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Friday, March 15, 2013

1 month seems like an eternity

Hi Baby...i cant believe its been a whole month today since you took your last breathe in my world has such a Hole in it without you...i do all the things people expect me to do, i smile when they think i should, laugh if everyone else is laughing, get up and feed and clothe your sister and make sure she goes to school(most days)and just try and do the *normal* things the world expects so that i dont end up getting locked in a looney bin. All i want to do is lay in the bed with the covers over my head,hugging your favorite teddy bear and cry all day or sleep in hopes that when i wake up this will all have been a terrible nightmare and you will still be with would still be N.E.D. and have hair,playing with your sister and fighting like normal sisters do...NOT DEAD because the medicine didnt work and the tumors kept growing till we said enough is enough and took you home to LIVE your life. NOBODY understands this unless they have walked this road...losing a child is the most devestating thing that can happen to a parent, your not supposed to OUTLIVE your babies and when you do you dont know how to go on without them so you put on a FAKE smile, try to remember to shower and get dressed and leave the house at least once a week so your friends/family dont get too worried and stage an intervention.People dont realize how hard it is for me to go places, so many people loved you that no matter where i go someone says are you Audrianna's Mom and of course im so proud of you i say yes absolutely i am her mom and then i hear the inevitable...I'm So Sorry for your Loss,She is in a better place grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr then it takes all i have not to punch someone...BECAUSE THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE FOR YOU THEN IN MY ARMS! I know these people are not trying to say anything hurtfull and they are saying this out of Love for you but it is absolutely one of the worst things to say to a grieving parent.Evertytime this happens i smile and thank them because they loved you and then i go home and cry because your not in my arms. I find myself not wanting to leave the house at all and when i do i never go anywhere for long because i always want to go home, where you are. We switched the bedroom around and set up a beautiful cabinet with your ashes on it and now i just feel like there is no reason to leave because thats where you are and i get anxious when im not around any person other then another parent who has lost a child this is going to sound completely crazy but this is what happens to the mom's/dad's who are left behind. We are left looking for you in every flower, ever cloud, ever dream, every butterfly....just trying to get some sign that Your ok...You fought so hard and you were so brave for so long and i know your body was weak and worn down and you were to tired to fight anymore, so i told you it was ok to go that yes we would miss you everyday but we didnt want to watch you suffer anymore...and you told me that when you met god you would tell him Thank You for letting you be my lil girl...i am forever greatfull for that and in the comfort of knowing you believed in god, even if i am having a really hard time believe that any GOD could let babies suffer and die...i believe there is somewhere we all go to be together when we pass and i believe in angel's BUT i can no longer believe that there is One all Powerfull god pulling the strings because if there was GOD would protect the innocent children like it says in the bible he wouldnt sit back and watch you suffer and die from horrifying diseases and any parent that has ever sat on an oncology floor would tell you the same thing that after seeing what they saw it makes it very hard for them to believe in god.....FOR me i knew there were angel's around you because you used to tell me they talked to you, when you were really sick you told me about talking to angel Aimee and you had never even met Aimee we didnt even know her family till after she passed yet you could describe her also told me about talking to kelly after she passed and how she came to you and told you not to be afraid that heaven was a beautiful place...when we went in the hot air balloon and we were stuck in the cloud you asked Mom is this what heaven looks like and i said i think so baby and you replied well then id never be afraid to go there its beautiful....these are the things i think of when i cant get out of bed, how brave you were, how you werent afraid to Die(yet we are afraid to live without you)how you had made your peace and knew the angel's were going to come for didnt gasp for breathe or struggle at the end, you just closed your eyes and went peacefully in our arms. I want to stand and shout at the sky for the angel's to bring you back that it wasnt your time there was a mistake,you still have so much to teach your lil sister and us...but i know you wouldnt want that just like you dont want me hiding under the covers. I am trying to be the person i know you would want me to be, i have set things in motion to keep fighting for you and other kids so no other parent has to go though the devestation im feeling right now...i am getting the bench done for your butterfly garden, working on stepping stones and butterfly bushes...and trying to find someone to help me with the legal stuff to get Audrianna's Wish turned into a foundation/501-c so that we can help other kids like you and other families that are scared and dont know where else to turn. I am the only voice you have left baby and i plan on using it...its just right now its so damn hard so please dont hate mommy if it takes a lil longer then i thought it would because im drowning in sorrow.....i love you baby and miss you more then words can say...hugs your angel friends for me and send my love...till we meet again xoxoxo mommy


  1. I love you, Angie. I'm so sorry you are so sad (of course) and that lovely little Audri isn't there with you now in her physical form. I don't know what it's like to lose a child and can only imagine what you go through. I thank you for typing out your day-to-day struggles because there's sooo many other parents out there who you must be helping, grieving with, and for those of us who never had to go through it, you make us love and appreciate our kiddos just that much more because you never know what might be. I've talked about this extensively with my own mom, as I'm sure you have with yours, and even at her age (60), she can't bear to think of losing one of her children. We're all adults and it wouldn't be any 'easier', she says. But I do understand exactly what you mean about your doubt God and how could He allow little children to suffer. I don't know. I used to ask my Baba that, all the time. She was the religious one in the family and I was so not, and she never could give me a straightforward answer for that, yet she never doubted His ways. Although I'm not so religious and end up questioning everything more than not, I do believe in an afterlife. I do believe our souls/spirits continue on. Your baby knew of others who she never met, like you said. When my Baba passed, I felt her hand in mine as I laid in bed, crying after hearing she was gone. It wasn't me being delirious or crazy, no. I felt her hand in mine. Your girl is carrying on. She's watching over you and Kyra. I'm sure you feel her, all of the time. I don't know why people say she's in a better place. I think that they say that kind of thing, meaning that she doesn't have to suffer any longer, that she can be at peace. There's really no "perfect" words others can say. There's nothing to help in words. Don't listen to others who say that you should not publicize your sadness. I say do it as much as you need to, 100 times a day, if needed. Please let me know if I can help in any way. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. I know Audrianna is a hero but so are you. Hugs and kisses forever to you all.

  2. Lots of love and best wishes to you and your family, Angela. We're sending our prayer and thoughts to you all. xxx