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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Missing you

Depresion is a horrible thing,i know i need to get up and i need to function, cook,clean, take care of kyra....but all i want to do is sleep all day and all night....its the only time i still get to see why wake up?? I hate that i feel like im letting everyone down especially Kyra, but right now i just cant seem to function like a *normal* person...i dont want to be on the computer talking to my friends or blogging or taking care of audrianna's wish...i just want to sleep and hope not to take up....ugh i am not insane either im just sad and tired and Lost....and when i do go out and do something i feel guilty like i shouldnt be having a nice time without her..i know that's irrational and not at all how audrianna would want me to feel but it doesnt mean its something i can stop. Every night i listen to Kyra tell me how much she misses her sister and she wants her back, how she is mad at the angel's for taking her to play with them when she should be here playing with her,how she wants her to come home and she needs her big sister to teach her things, cuddle with her and play dolls..and everynight my heart shatters over and over because i cant fix this for her...i cant bring her sister back and i couldnt save her no matter how hard we both fought the cancer still won and she is still gone.I feel like i failed her, if i would have fought harder,pushed for more experimental treatments..something then maybe she would still be here,but the other side of my brain knows that we made the right decision letting her stop treatment because her body couldnt take anymore and she got to LIVE the last couple months of her life...but that still doesnt make me feel better even if it should………………..i have no patience with Kyra either,she is of course acting out and pushing her limits because she doesn’t know how else to express herself but I can only handle it for so long before I find myself yelling at her to stop. I love her with my whole heart but everything just seems to loud,to awful and to hard for Both of us right now and we are trying to find our way without driving each other crazy and so far we haven’t found that happy medium. My friends all have there own lives and there own problems, they work and have kids and there lives go on…while mine is stalled and I feel like its never going to start back up.They all say we are here for you if you need us and ya know if push came to shove they prolly would be, but I wont ask because I know they have there own stuff…so unless someone shows up or calls or offers to do things…I just sit here alone and most days I don’t even bother showering,why bother im not going anywhere im gonna lay in bed and wish the day was over before it even started.Do I know this isn’t good for me,yes but can I stop it..NO…I know every second that she has been gone…and it feels like a knife has been stuck in my chest and just keeps twisting…the littlest things make me fall apart…ask me to handle something big like a cut off finger im good but ask me to go shoe shopping and I see a pair of shoes audri would have liked and that’s it im crying and have to leave the store and go home to bed. Denny had his kids this weekend for the first time since Audrianna died, Kyra was thrilled uncle denny’s kids were coming and she would have her cousins here to play with…I was fine with it I really was…then the kids got here and the first question out of them was whats the vase…And then I had to explain that it was audrianna and then I had to explain cremation and why she wanted to be creamated and that’s how she ended up In the vase…the kids were very respectfull and asked so many good questions but omg it was so fucking hard to sit there and not cry and explain this to them….then it was bedtime and all the kids were settled for the night and I laid there and cried and cried waiting for kyra to fall asleep so I could leave the room because there was one empty spot…there should have been 5 babies tucked in and there were only 4….i left the room and was awake till almost 7am when my eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer because I couldn’t handle going back into that room and laying in my bed without audrianna….it was yet just another reminder that she was really gone and she wasn’t coming back, another twist of the knife in my heart and yet I smiled and went on because that’s what I needed to do to make the kids feel ok…..we even took the kids to chuckie cheese and let them play and run off energy and then on Sunday before they went home we took them to climb-a lot, and the whole weekend all I could think is omg she should be here, this hurts so bad and this fake smile is killing me…and once the kids were gone and we were home Sunday night I didn’t get out of my bed till today when my mom needed a ride home from the eye doctor,because I couldn’t handle one more thing,one more moment of something audrianna would have loved without her…it just seems like the world is so dark now, that the day she died so took the sunshine with her and everything is just dark and grey now…people politely ask how are you,are you ok, are you hanging in there…and I smile and say yes we are hanging in there we are ok and the whole time im thinking No,No we are NOT ok…we will NEVER be ok without her….we are all hanging on and going through the motions but life is not the same,how can it be? Easter is coming and for most people Easter is a happy time that they spend with family and they rejoice over life and being alive….for me and my family Easter is a reminder of the day she was diagnosed with Cancer and when she relapsed…Easter is not happy for me..i know its not Easters Fault BUT that’s when our lives fell apart and they have never been the same since.So while most people will be out having a nice dinner and wearing pretty clothes I will be trying to get out of bed so Kyra can open her easter basket and take her to nana’s for dinner and yet the whole time I will be screaming in my head for the covers and my bed because Audrianna wont be here to celebrate with her sister,she wont be wearing a pretty dress, trading the chocolates and jelly beans she doesn’t like for the ones kyra doesn’t like..telling Poppa John how to make the ham or the sweet potatoes the way she likes them…our first Easter without her and I don’t know how any of us are going to get through it…if only I could find a time machine and go back and make a wish that would come true…id wish that cancer never existed so that Audrianna would still be alive and here with us and I think any parent who has ever lost a child would make the same wish……All I think everynight as I cry myself to sleep is please let her be ok, please let her be happy and please let us learn to live without her so that one day we can all be ok and happy till we see her again


  1. She WILL be there, you just wont be able to see her. I strongly believe she is going to be near you for a long time to come and she is worried that she can't help you, it's not the other way around anymore, not you worrying that you can't help her. You don't want her to feel that way. I think feelings are the one thing we take with us when we go and as we come back and forth to check on our loved ones we can feel their feelings too, even if we are not present physically. I would be afraid that might hinder her process of moving towards peace and resting while she waits for all her loved ones to arrive safely with her on the other side. If I came to see my mother mourning me I would be afraid to go on without knowing she was going to be okay, or even afraid to go on without her, especially if I were so young. Ive been following you for some time, I could never walk in your shoes and I admire your strength. Don't let your courage die with her. Your loved ones need you here. Give Kyra all the love you save for Audrianna, she would want that, she does want that and Kyra needs it. Do not die an emotional death and do not allow your family to either, it is far worse than a physical one. Much respect, Edena.

  2. This is horribly normal. You are not doing it worse than anybody else. There is no making it better faster. There is only time to put a bit of cushion between you and the loss of your dear child. Love Kyra and know that everything else is gravy.

  3. As I read your blog it brought back so many memories. I remember feeling just like you do. It has been many years since I lost my Daughter, but I can relate to how your feeling. Your an amazing woman and you have a good head on your shoulders, try to remember to be gentle on yourself. Grief is a process. I can tell you, that in time,things will be different. The loss will always be with you but it wont feel like it does now. You are in my prayers... I pray God will comfort your soul and help you find ways to work thru the grief until you are reunited with your Daughter.

  4. I feel for you, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I don't know what it means to live what you are living, I can only imagine the darkness and void you are feeling. Look at Kyra and see Audrianna in her eyes. She is living in her, in your heart, and you need to be strong for Kyra now. Try to meet with people that have gone through the same thing to find some comfort, don't let go. Life is short for all of us, try to make the best of it even though it sucks! Keep writing it's therapeutical. Don't let go!

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. I have followed your story for a long time. Audrianna was a soldier, and though she lost the battle, the war against cancer isn't over. And people like her continue the fight everyday, one day there will be no more illness, I truly believe that. And I believe that Audrianna's fight wasn't in vein she, and so many others fight and have fought it, and one day it will be gone. I know you miss her, even though I didn't know her personally, I miss her too! She is with you always, trust in that!


  6. Angie your words r so true. I have lived a long time without my daughter Lori. She was 2 and 1/2 yrs young when she passed away. It doesn't get easier just..well...different. I remember the early months..and yrs. So hard. Then slowly things became colorful you say there is a grayness. Everyone is different. Back when Lori passed away there wasn't internet. I spent many hrs talking to our priest. It helped for me. I asked every question and was given all the answers. It helped. Life did go on and it was a slow process back. There's no 12 step for grief tht I know of. And everyone is different. I will never say I know how you feel. I found holding close to loved ones..the immediate family helped. They cried with me. They lost a neice a grandbaby a god child etc. We all lost Lori!! We all lost her. Losing a child ispain like you describe. The wanting to sleep could be your body and brain needing to heal. Don't feel bad about the need to rest perchance to sleep and dream. I'm not a dr. But I think its imperative to rest after wht you have been thru. Your body and brain have taken a blow. Emotions to where one might be so cried out only exhaustion fills the void and you must sleep. My heart goes out to you. I remember the months and first yrs without Lori. March 30th is her anniversary of her death. Right around easter...every easter I remember how the baskets remind me of her..etc. etc. Your words so true. Journaling is good...if you can stay journaling. It may be a good release and good thing to do. For you first and foremost and then for all the people who love Audrianna too. I wish we lived closer I would just sit with you..even if it was in silence. Its the unspoken words and just knowing someone is there tht is comforting.

  7. angela my love,my oldest daughter, with all my heart i feel your pain. audri hugs me as i know she hugs you during our worst times everyday. i know she wouldnt want us to fell alone, she is here, although we cant hug her and tell her to her face she hears us , i would give my life to see her smile and hear her laugh again, i know she wouldnt want that, she would say" its ok poppa john " i know you miss her and honestly i have no idea what you are going through just please know im here for you whether it be to say go f yourself or i love you to scream or to cry im here and i f'n mean it i love you

  8. Hi Angela,
    I feel your pain so much, my husband and I lost our youngest daughter to the AIDs virus nearly 25 yrs ago. You never forget losing them but each day the sun will get brighter and brighter. The first two years after my daughters death were the hardest days of my entire life. Then one day my husband had the wonderful idea to erect a memorial to our daughter in our home. I don't know how religious you are but I feel that if we need our departed loved ones near us they are there. I have had several experiences where I have felt her presence near us since then. It may seem hard now, but do not despair on what you did not do, but rather rejoice in what you and your daughter did together and what a wonderful person she is. I feel that it is better to talk about our daughter in the present, than in the past. The past tends to haunt us and drive in to the mindset of thinking what if. Do not fear to cry as we let our emotions out that way. When the weather improves and spring flowers start to bloom, I encourage you and your family to spend just one day outside possibly a picnic and do not treat it as a memorial service for Audrianna, but rather treat it as if she was there. These are some of the things that have gotten Ralph my husband and I through the years. I wish you all the best and a very Happy Easter. Feel Free to contact me via my facebook if you ever need a friend, ok:

    Irene Williamson