Overpowering Grief

Its been 33hrs since you took your last breath in my arms and i still feel like im holding you,i keep having to look down and shake myself because its just a phantom feeling of you in my arms and you arent really there.I am going through so many stages of anger,overwhelming sadness,laughter which i then feel guilty for..i feel like no matter what i say or do its never going to be right again.I slept in your bed last night clutching your teddy bear rosie and singing to her like i always sang to you until i cried myself into sleep from pure exhaustion,but you sent me a sign when i woke up...my hand was under your pillow and i was holding a mini-trix bar and i could hear you say *It's ok mommy it just a lil sugar it wont hurt you di-beates* and i thought your right baby it wont and ate that trix bar just for you.Mommy and Daddy had to go to the funeral home today and sign papers to have you creamated and pick out an urn, i couldnt find one i LOVED so for now i chose one i liked and i will get one i LOVE for your final resting place later,i wanted to see you again and they wouldnt let me which made me so ANGRY but the funeral director was very nice and told mommy that she had been through enough and that you were with the Angel's now and not in the body they have...Ya know what I WANTED TO SMACK HER AND SCREAM I DONT CARE THATS MY FUCKING BABY LET ME SEE HER...But i didnt because she was probably right even if it didnt feel that way. I hope that your with the Angel's running and jumping and cancer free now baby,with beautiful long hair and no more pain EVER..i know when you got there you told them that white wings were not your style you need a wand,glitter and pink wings asap and i also know that you were there to welcome Robert tonight when cancer took him from his family too baby....I wanted to ask you to please send Sissy some extra Angel love tonight she is very very sad...she keeps asking me when she will see you again and she told me how much she misses her sissy, she also says her heart is breaking in a million pieces because she cant see you anymore...i keep trying to tell her your always in her heart and you will always be with her but she is little and doesnt understand that...she cant understand why she can only see you in pictures...she broke down tonight and cried and told me she wants to got heaven with you because your her big sister and whenever she was scared you would cuddle with her and make her feel better,you always took care of her,played with her and went to mcdonalds playplace and climbalot with her and now she is afraid she will never have anyone to play with her again. She also said she is afraid to Die because you died,i told her that you were really really sick with cancer and that she isnt sick and doesnt need to be afraid of dying and she said but mommy everyone dies and someday you and me will die and be with audri...i told her yes but that someday wasnt going to be for a very very long time...But baby i know she didnt believe me...its 2am and she doesnt want to goto sleep even with mommy because i dont cuddle like you did, so she is in dustins room looking at dolls on the kindle and watching him play video games...i dont know how to make this better baby...i told her that my heart was breaking to and i didnt think there was enough super glue in the world to put our hearts back together now that your gone....then i waited for her to leave the bathroom and i punched the wall so many times i hurt my hand but it didnt know how else to let the pain and anger out,without you we are hurting so bad that we cant function and i know you wouldnt want this, i know you would want us to be happy your not hurting anymore and take care of each other but baby we cant figure out how yet. Daddy cries all the time, at the drop of a hat he cries, he picked up your lil teddy bear he gave you for valentines day and cried so hard i didnt think he would ever stop then kyra hugged him and said she loved him and he finally stopped crying....for me i wish a hug was enough...i keep falling down and i dont know how to drag myself back up..if it wasnt for aunt dari, aunt dena,uncle johnny,uncle billy,uncle denny,nana,poppa john, aunt kelly,aunt lori,aunt amy,aunt karen,aunt becky and all the people that are surrounding me right now id be in a puddle on the floor all the time,right now its only part time and im slowly crawling to my feet. Please send me strength baby so i can be ok to take care of your baby sister...sleep sweet with the angel's tonight audrianna and send sissy sweet dreams because she is finally ready for mommy to try and cuddle her as good as you always did