All Donations goto Audrianna's Butterfly Garden and to help start the Audrianna's Foundation


Savings Account for Audrianna where donations can be Made
M&T Bank
50 Laurel Mall
Hazle Township, PA 18202
(570) 450-7830

F*CK CANCER T-Shirts can be purchased for $18 with shipping for sizes s-xxl and $20 for 3x or 4x just click the paypal button!
Photobucket/

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Overpowering Grief

Its been 33hrs since you took your last breath in my arms and i still feel like im holding you,i keep having to look down and shake myself because its just a phantom feeling of you in my arms and you arent really there.I am going through so many stages of anger,overwhelming sadness,laughter which i then feel guilty for..i feel like no matter what i say or do its never going to be right again.I slept in your bed last night clutching your teddy bear rosie and singing to her like i always sang to you until i cried myself into sleep from pure exhaustion,but you sent me a sign when i woke up...my hand was under your pillow and i was holding a mini-trix bar and i could hear you say *It's ok mommy it just a lil sugar it wont hurt you di-beates* and i thought your right baby it wont and ate that trix bar just for you.Mommy and Daddy had to go to the funeral home today and sign papers to have you creamated and pick out an urn, i couldnt find one i LOVED so for now i chose one i liked and i will get one i LOVE for your final resting place later,i wanted to see you again and they wouldnt let me which made me so ANGRY but the funeral director was very nice and told mommy that she had been through enough and that you were with the Angel's now and not in the body they have...Ya know what I WANTED TO SMACK HER AND SCREAM I DONT CARE THATS MY FUCKING BABY LET ME SEE HER...But i didnt because she was probably right even if it didnt feel that way. I hope that your with the Angel's running and jumping and cancer free now baby,with beautiful long hair and no more pain EVER..i know when you got there you told them that white wings were not your style you need a wand,glitter and pink wings asap and i also know that you were there to welcome Robert tonight when cancer took him from his family too baby....I wanted to ask you to please send Sissy some extra Angel love tonight she is very very sad...she keeps asking me when she will see you again and she told me how much she misses her sissy, she also says her heart is breaking in a million pieces because she cant see you anymore...i keep trying to tell her your always in her heart and you will always be with her but she is little and doesnt understand that...she cant understand why she can only see you in pictures...she broke down tonight and cried and told me she wants to got heaven with you because your her big sister and whenever she was scared you would cuddle with her and make her feel better,you always took care of her,played with her and went to mcdonalds playplace and climbalot with her and now she is afraid she will never have anyone to play with her again. She also said she is afraid to Die because you died,i told her that you were really really sick with cancer and that she isnt sick and doesnt need to be afraid of dying and she said but mommy everyone dies and someday you and me will die and be with audri...i told her yes but that someday wasnt going to be for a very very long time...But baby i know she didnt believe me...its 2am and she doesnt want to goto sleep even with mommy because i dont cuddle like you did, so she is in dustins room looking at dolls on the kindle and watching him play video games...i dont know how to make this better baby...i told her that my heart was breaking to and i didnt think there was enough super glue in the world to put our hearts back together now that your gone....then i waited for her to leave the bathroom and i punched the wall so many times i hurt my hand but it didnt know how else to let the pain and anger out,without you we are hurting so bad that we cant function and i know you wouldnt want this, i know you would want us to be happy your not hurting anymore and take care of each other but baby we cant figure out how yet. Daddy cries all the time, at the drop of a hat he cries, he picked up your lil teddy bear he gave you for valentines day and cried so hard i didnt think he would ever stop then kyra hugged him and said she loved him and he finally stopped crying....for me i wish a hug was enough...i keep falling down and i dont know how to drag myself back up..if it wasnt for aunt dari, aunt dena,uncle johnny,uncle billy,uncle denny,nana,poppa john, aunt kelly,aunt lori,aunt amy,aunt karen,aunt becky and all the people that are surrounding me right now id be in a puddle on the floor all the time,right now its only part time and im slowly crawling to my feet. Please send me strength baby so i can be ok to take care of your baby sister...sleep sweet with the angel's tonight audrianna and send sissy sweet dreams because she is finally ready for mommy to try and cuddle her as good as you always did

34 comments:

  1. My deepest sincerest condolences to you and your family. Words can never make it right or make you feel better. Grief is a process and however you have to deal, deal. We're all here for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I cried the whole way through this post. I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful little girl with all of us. I will continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you all! Rest in Peace Audrianna. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. My heart and mind are truly saddened. I have been following your families story for just over a year.. I to have lost a daughter at very young age.. I pray for your healing & hug you from a far.
    Your truly an inspiration to us all! I know your hurting, but your sweet baby Angel is with you always & forever. You are an amazing momma! Much love and Respect.... Shannon

    ReplyDelete
  4. We are all heart broken w u. I cried for u. I'm soooo Sry. I wish there was something I could do to make ur guys broken heart unbroken. Just Pray pray pray. For strength an peace. I hope ur hand is Ok. Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. I cried too. My heart goes out to you and your family. I pray that you and your family find strength. I've lost a nephew 4 years ago at a very young age. I agree with Shannon you are an amazing momma and a very Brave momma for sharing your story with us. I'm so glad you did. You forever have touched my heart. Your angel always be with you. You will start seeing sign of her showing you that she's there with you. For me it's when I wake up and I have eye gunk because I use to never get it and now I get from time to time. Also I'll see his name on buildings or cars. The last sign where the wild things are popping up randomly.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My heart goes out to you and your family. For some reason tonight I woke up wide awake and was drawn to your page which I have been following for a long time and praying for you all. I have just broken down and balked my eyes out reading your post. Its 330 in the morning and I lay here praying for you all. Lots of hugs and thoughts of comfort being sent your way. Please hug Kyra a little more tomorrow from me though she doesn't know me. My heart breaks for her being so young and not understanding. One day she will truely understand that her Sissy needed this to be pain free so now she may fly amognst the angels and watch over you all. Again sending my love, thoughts, and prayers to you all.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know that the pain you are experiencing right now is unbelievable and I pray for your comfort and ease of heartbreak. Your sweet Angel is now nestled in the arms of Jesus and her weakened body feels no pain. May her sweet memories allow you to slowly move on while you grieve her loss. May all your family and friends also find comfort in knowing that Heaven has welcomed your Angel with loving open arms. May God find comfort for you and everyone involved with the sweet little Angel.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are all going through. one day, knowing that she has a wand, glitter, and pink wings with the angels will help. But for now, the pain and loss must be so overwhelming. Take comfort where you can. And put one foot in front of the other. And know that people are behind you.... I am so, so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No words can be said. God has another SPECIAL Angel and your heart is breaking. Prayers are being said. I am so very sorry for your loss,its a big one..hugs and love <3

      Delete
  10. All i can do is cry reading this she has tuched so many of us in a special way. sweet angle in heaven watching prayers loves and hug

    ReplyDelete
  11. Angela im so sorry for your loss. I know there is nothing any of us can say to help you through this pain you are feeling, but always know that we are here for you and your baby girl is always watching over you. Right now the pain is so intense and you feel like you can never be whole again. It takes time you never get over it you just learn to deal with it in a different way. Im so glad I got to meet you at Jackson Hewett last yr and had the chance to see Audrianna running and playing at the park last summer and go swimming. You and your family will always be in my heart and I pray that you will find some peace during your sorrow. We all love you and if you need anything im here. Love Sharon Sanchez

    ReplyDelete
  12. May God give you the strength you need, my heart and prayers go out to all of you. thank you for sharing

    ReplyDelete
  13. My heart goes out to you and your family. Just remember she will always have a place in your heart and no one can ever take that away. I have never met you nor Adri but I feel like I have known you forever thanks to fb. God be with you and your family through all the coming days to give you strength to be able to go on for Adri she would want you to.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Angela,

    We are so sorry for the pain you are going through and pray that you can find the strength to pull yourself back. OUr hearts ache for you and your family, Audri was everyones little princess whether we knew her or not and she was a big inspiration to so many with her courage and will to keep fighting. May Audri Rest In Peace and suffer no more and may God give her the chance to be a little girl like she was so robbed of during her time on earth. You're always in our thoughts and so many prayers and want to send out big hugs to you and your family. Love, Tina Serafin Floray and Family <3

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am adding a link gonetoosoon.org (Gone Too Soon) which I think you and everyone would love a place to go to to say "Hi" to Audri and even light a candle for the sweet angel whenever one wants. I do hope in time you can go there and create a page for Audri. Again, Love sent to you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Angela we will be there for you we will be there for kyra we will be there for jim for every step in any direction we are there for you the last words of wisdom i got from audrianna i got where " it happens it will be alright" prayers, hugs, tears we are there for you. never feel guilty for laughing it was passed down form you to audri a smile is the greatest gift and she did it best im sure she would never want you to stop laughing, but thats normal feeling the way you feel, we are here open 24 hours 365 days a year with a never ending supply of love and support

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am so sorry for your loss again.While reading this i cried again many times.I also cried the day i heard she had died.She was a inspiration to me for all she went through and suffered.I am keeping your family in my prayers.May you all soon be able to pick up the pieces and heal the wounds in your heart. Sincerely Kimber McLaughlin <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  18. It's never easy to lose someone you love, especially if that someone is your child. We ask why, yet we don't receive an answer. Only God knows why he put Audriana on this journey. I'm sure she taught so much to so many people and touched so many lives throughout her short time on this Earth. Her life had more meaning and impact on others in her six years on Earth than those who live a hundred years. A body is just a vehicle for a soul. Her soul didn't die...it just went back Home. She is happy, pain-free, playing with the angels and children of Heaven. She is with you all, watching over you and waiting for the day you are back Home with her once again. May God bless you and help you through this heartbreaking time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wht a perfect comment! You said it perfectly! Xoxoxo

      Delete
  19. I am so sorry, I don't believe in a God, if there was one, he wouldn't let beautiful children like Audriana suffer and die and put parents through this horrible unjust pain. My heart is broken for you. No child should survive their parents. The cure for cancer is there, but pharmaceutical companies would go out of business if nobody got sick anymore. Fuck cancer and fuck all the people who have the power and money to do something but are too selfish and greedy to care about anything but themselves!!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have fallowed Audriana for 2 years, lost my son (41) to cancer on Jan 28. let the people be your rock, I thought I was ready, prepared, no mother is. Peace, Comfort, and Blessings to you all.

    ReplyDelete
  21. My amazing, strong, beautiful friend all of these emotions and thoughts are OK.... There is no book or time limit for grief... Hang on to us and allow us to help you stand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE... My whole life I have never believed in heaven or angels and now I want them so badly to be real.... I don't pray and I don't believe in things I cannot see... But the loss of your princess has me rethinking things.... Maybe believing a little keeps them with us.... Maybe having faith opens us up to seeing and feeling them with us... I never understood why Dawn never came back to say HI... Now I think it is because I never believed she could.... You stood by me through all of my insane times, you held my hand and told me Dawn is always with me..... Now it is my turn to hold you and tell you Audri is always in your arms, and she is always with you, Jim, and Kyra.... I WILL HOLD YOU UP AND NEVER LET YOU FALL!!!!!!! MY DEAR AND BELOVED FRIEND I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!!! Our ANGELS are watching.. It is our job to make sure they live on!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. this breaks my heart soo bad for you and even though there isn't a word in the world i could say to make it better i still want to say them all i <3 you sooo much and i will forever be here for you forever

    ReplyDelete
  23. I have been following Adrianna's story for a long while now and over the last few days I have been super emotional as I read your story and as I read today about Kyras trouble sleeping I can remember that same feeling when my baby brother died. I was not as young but I know it is as hard no matter what age you. I wish I could give your family a hug and tell you it will be better but I know in my heart when you lose a loved one it is extremely hard. God is there holding all of you giving you peace and comfort as he is holding Audrianna. She will be in your hearts and memories forever and so will her love. When you need to see her look through your photo albums and remember all the love you had with her while she was here. I love you all and

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hugs from the entire universe for you n the family. Xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm deeply saddened over the loss of your lil angel. I'm sorry, but she no longer suffering.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. My heart is broken for your family.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Always know that you are not alone Angela, as you can see from here, Facebook, Twitter and beyond, your daughter has impacted the lives of so many people. One of her biggest wishes on her bucket list came true, she got to go to Disney, and now she's in a place far better than even Disney World. She's free from pain, so if nothing else comforts you, I pray that knowing that will. We from Bistro 100 at Geisinger grieve with you, as Audri touched each one of us. We all miss her as well, and will always remember her for the way she quietly influenced all of us. I will be in prayer for you, your husband, Kyra and the rest of your family through this extremely difficult time. Sending much love, hugs, and prayers!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. Also, don't feel guilty for laughing because of something funny that happened. Laughter as well as tears is a part of the grieving process and the laughter is what's going to get you through those tough times. My favorite memory of Audri is the one day you and her were in the old Bistro 100. I was taking something back to the dishroom and Audri had her Ham, Cheese and Tomato sandwich made for her. As I walked by I noticed she was holding the tomato in her mouth and opening her mouth far enough that we could see it. I asked her if she was playing with her tomato, she shook her head yes, all three of us got a kick out of that. I would love to be at the service on Saturday, however I have to work and will not be able to attend, but please know Angela that I will most certainly be thinking of you and your family throughout the day and am praying that God will surround you and your family with so much love and support in the days to come.

      Delete
  28. I'm Lin mom to jimmy and Lori on camos for cancer page. You and your fam. Have been on my mind and in my heart all week...I continue to send hugs and love to you. I just wanted to stop in and wrap cyber hugs around you all!! Letting you know we care here in s. Fla. Love Lin..Jim..angel Lori..mike amy dylan jimmy and allie. Xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thank you for sharing your daughter with us! I have been following your for a few years now and I know she is in no more pain and she is going to have her pink wings because she deserves them. I hope you, your family & friends find strength in time. My heart goes out to you all.

    ReplyDelete