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M&T Bank
50 Laurel Mall
Hazle Township, PA 18202
(570) 450-7830

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Sunday, April 28, 2013

Lost without you

Hi Baby...the last few days have been so hard...our neighbor decided that we cant share the yard anymore because all the neighborhood kids and uncle dennys kids were running through the yard and along side his house so he got mad and told us we had to move your swingset and everything off his part of the yard which until then he let us share...mommy had to go buy a fence and put it up so geena and the kids cant be on his side...this leaves us with a yard smaller then a postage stamp, your trampoline barely fits and we aren't sure if we are gonna be able to put the swingset in the yard or have to take it to nana's...when we had to move it I had a total breakdown because that was YOURS and it was the first thing we had to get you when you got sick because you couldn't goto the park like other kids...to most people this might seem like a trivial thing having to move a swingset but to me it was like losing you all over again..its bad enough ill never see you swing high enough to try and hit the top of the canopy like you were flying ever again but now we might not even be able to keep something that meant so much to you..every memory I have of you in the last four years in the summertime revolvs around that swingset...to me it felt like the day you died all over again and I don't know how many more pieces of you I can lose without losing my mind..i haven't stopped crying for days,everytime I go outside and see your swingset across the street in toms yard waiting for it to see if we can move it back to ours or take it apart and move it to nana's I start crying again...I feel like the hits keep coming, like it was bad enough i had to lose you now i have to lose the parts of you i have left...people keep telling me this is going to get easier but it doesn't..everyday without you is like another day I feel like im swimming under water and cant find my way back to the top Your birthday is coming in 8 days and Kyra wants to have a cake for you and let balloons go up to heaven with messages written on them so you can read them when they get to you, I am glad that she is talking about you and wanting to do these wonderful things to make her feel closer to you and make her feel better because at least I know im doing ok by her and she is healing....now if only I could find a way to make myself start to heal...I want to lay in the dark on your birthday by myself and just close my eyes and cry because im not holding you...but I cant do that because I have to be strong for sissy and everyone else...I wish there was someone who was always strong for me..i feel like if im not the strong one that everyone around me will crumble too because we are ALL having such a hard time with you not being here and well someone has to be strong and isn't that a mom's job? I was just sitting outside crying alone in the dark when the chimes started going and it started to rain and I felt like it was you telling me not to cry because you always hated when I cried and when I couldn't stop I felt like you were crying with me...so I sucked it up, stopped crying and came inside to write to you instead and the rain stopped...im glad since then I felt like you stopped crying, I never wanted anything but yours and Kyra's happiness and I tried so hard to give both of you that even when you were battling that horrible disease that was stealing your childhood and eventually your life...please forgive me if I stumble along the way now with Kyra but I am trying so hard to keep her happy and healthy...the school year is almost over and Kyra will be graduating from pre-school but she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to leave helping hands..she says but mommy that was audri's school I don't want to leave..and even when I tell her that you went to Arthur Street for Kindergarten and she is gonna go there and have Miss Frumkin just like you did she says its not the same because you weren't there as long as you were at Helping Hands...please send your sister some warrior strength so she can be ok for kindergarten in the fall baby and while your at it give some to mommy so I can handle watching her go off to KG knowing she is my last baby and im sending her off to Big Kid School...I didn't cry when you went because you were so excited to actually be allowed to goto KG that it made me so happy to see you there but I did wait on pins and needles till you got out the first day and told me how much you loved it...I think with Kyra its gonna be so much harder because I know you wont be there to show her the ropes like she and I always expected you to be..i know the staff at the school will take great care of her, but its still going to hurt my heart knowing your not there in first grade where you belong...I know im rambling now so im gonna stop writing but I love You Baby..Sleep Sweet with Your Angel Friends...Love Mommy

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time coping with Audri's death.. I never met her but I think of her, and you and your family often and keep you all in my prayers. It's never fair when a child is taken from us early. There's nothing that can make it "okay". I think that you writing to her on this blog is a good theraputic way to express your grief. Anyone who says different can shove it.
    I pray that time will heal your heart and that God will give you strength. <3

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  2. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to change anything right now and everyone needs to let you feel the way you want, when you want and for the reasons you want. Let me know if you want to do a balloon release on Tuesday <3 Love you

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  3. I think of you daily. My heart carries your sweet Audri everywhere I go. One breath at a time Momma <3

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