3 months and it seems like yesterday

It's been a little over 3 months since you are gone baby and for all of us it still seems like yesterday...we are all trying so hard to smile and be happy like we know you would want us to be but it is so goddamn hard...Kyra misses you so much and she cries almost everynight about how she misses her sissy and wishes god would give you back, she doesn't understand that can never happen..that you are an angel now and there is no way for you to come back...hell I don't understand why this had to happen and im an adult...so I know how hard this must be for a 5yr old..i called a therapist today and left a message hoping that I can get Kyra in to see her and well me too because my heart cant take much more, Tonight Kyra had a major meltdown and cried forever telling me how much she misses you and that you were the best sister in the world, how you were always there for her and protected her when other kids were mean to her, how you never let anyone pick on her or push her around because she was your baby sister and she misses that, she misses your hugs and your smile even when you were grumpy, I wish I could make this better for her so bad, I wish I could pull a magical miracle out of my pocket and bring you back for her...god baby if there was a way that I could trade places with you I would,if there was a way that I could beg the universe to return you and take me in your place I would do it in a heartbeat..i asked so many times when you were alive to let the cancer take me instead of you and let you live, id have sold my soul to the devil to make that happen because you deserved a chance to live dammit, you deserved a chance to grow up, goto prom, get married, have babies,all the things I see my others friends kids doing right now and it just breaks my heart over and over that ill never see you do those things BUT I swear to you I will make sure Kyra does all of them and she never feels left out...I have been trying to stay off facebook and the computer as much as I can because I cant handle watching anymore of your friends/kids we have grown to love die from this damn disease or any other for that matter YET it doesn't stop it from happening...Bella is home on hospice and doesn't have long before she will be needing you to wait at the gates for her baby and take her hand and show her around...and there are so many others,sigh...everytime one of them hurts or dies its like losing you all over again and some people say I shouldn't get attached to these kids and I should back away and hide my heart but then who will fight to make sure people know that all of you need help??? I need to fight to make you proud of me and to help the ones that are still here....we are working so hard on your garden,the dedication of it and the memorial bike run in your name so that we can raise money and get your Foundation up and running to help other kids, I tye-dyed the bench we got because I knew you would love the pretty colors I know your looking down from heaven smiling. Please send mommy and sissy some warrior strength baby we really need it right now and can you please send Nana some and whisper in her ear that your all right because I think she needs it a lot......the world just hasn't been the same since you left it baby...the song that goes through my head everytime I think of you is THERE AINT NO SUNSHINE SINCE SHE'S GONE and that's what it feels like, that the day you died all the sunshine went out of our worlds..Tonight I sang your favorite songs to Kyra to try and get her to sleep...it was so hard for me to sing puff the magic dragon to her because that was always your song but she wanted to hear it so I sang..But instead of lil Jackie paper she made me change the words to lil audri paper...so now it's her song with You.....then I sang hush lil baby to her because that was always a favorite to both of you and she cried because at the end I sang and you will always be the cutest lil Kyra in town and she said remember when you always used to sing and audri and Kyra will always be the cutest lil girls in town and when I said yes she cried more and said I wish we were still together in the song mommy...so I sang it again and put both of you back in the song and that's when she finally went to sleep...I hope she is dreaming of you and that your giving her beautiful dreams to hold onto baby....Love always Mommy