9 weeks without you

Hi Baby I cant believe its been 9 weeks since the last time I saw your beautiful smile or heard you laugh...our hearts are so broken and we just don't know how to go on and LIVE NORMAL whatever that is...people tell me all the time I have to get back into a NORMAL ROUTINE...hell I have no clue what normal is anymore,after years of hospitals and long car drives listening to puff the magic dragon on repeat(exactly 18 times from Hazleton to Danville) I feel so lost when I get in the car and im not driving to the hospital and your not in the back seat going mom can you put woodys cd in or mom can you make my movie work,mom I need a drink,mom I dropped my French fries on the floor...I miss all of that so much its scary..another thing I miss and im sure people reading this are going to think im crazy BUT I miss the hospital...you and I had both made so many friends there and now I feel like not only did I lose you but I lost all of them..the nurses that I could talk to about anything(especially my 3rd shift girls who kept me sane many a night)..the other kids that we kept track of and who became like family...I miss not knowing if they are ok...I miss having someone to talk to that understands what im feeling and doesn't judge how crazy I actually feel all the time....And most of ALL I miss YOU...id do anything to turn back time for one last hospital visit just to hear you yell at me that the lights are to bright or the tv is too loud or you have to pee...any of those things and id give anything to crawl into that bed with you and just hold you,snuggle and talk about all of your dreams and you had alot of them....I am trying to make some of those dreams come true...Miss Heather,Abby and Noah are helping Mommy get everything together for your butterfly garden at your school,its going to be beautiful baby just beautiful....Aunt Amy is helping mommy put together a memorial bike run to help raise money to finish the garden and get your foundation up and running so mommy can help other kids just like you wanted me to...I have already had a couple of families asking me about when its going to be ready, im working on getting bylaws and have a lawyer help me with everything so I can get rolling...Also Penny and Kelly are holding a dance to help raise money...don't worry baby we wont let you down we are going to do everything we can to make Audrianna's Butterfly Wish Foundation a reality......we celebrated Nana's Birthday on the 15th and it was so hard because you weren't there,when we cut the cake and you weren't there to eat a piece a part of my heart broke off and baby im not sure how many more pieces I can lose...this Saturday is the Helping Hands Telethon,Kyra is going to sing with all the kids and I have to go and smile for her when all I can think about is the fact that you should be up there singing with her like you were the last 2yrs...you loved that school and you loved to sing in front of the camera because you were such a ham...I know you will be there with us and you will help sissy remember the words like you always did because she tends to freeze up in front of crowds and tv camers, unlike you who loved every second of the lime light....And your birthday is coming next month...another first without you,these firsts are killers...they are so hard and its so hard for ALL of us especially mommy to fake that smile and get through it...Kyra asked me today if we could have a cake for you and I said yes we would have a cake and we would eat a piece just for you...she smiled and said I think audri would like that mommy...and then we are gonna get balloons and write things on them we want you to know and send them up so you can read them in Heaven...there is not a second of any day that goes by that we don't think about you...everywhere we go there are signs that your with us..people I have never met walk up and ask me if im your mom and then tell me how you touched there lives because you were so strong and courageous....and I tell them that you were then and always will be MY HERO that you taught me more about life and how to live it in your 6yrs then I ever would have learned on my own and I can never thank you enough for choosing me to be your mommy...All I ever wished for you was to live life to the fullest and be happy and you did and now with all that I am I hope that your the happiest angel in heaven because your whole again...no more disease wasting away your body, you have wonderful long curly strawberry blonde hair again and you can laugh and jump and play with all your friends...I love you Baby Close to My Heart Baby You are My Sunshine now and always