Week of the Bloomsburg Fair

Hi Baby...So its been a pretty rough week for Mommy...I have been watching all the pictures people post from the Fair and all I do is cry..Last year at this time You were here and Living your Life to the fullest...we went to the fair almost everyday...You did all the things you wanted to do... You Rode the Bull at least 20 times, You Climed the rock wall over and over determined to get to the top and you almost made it , you were so proud of yourself and I was so proud of you...You rode the helicopter with everyone and you smiled and laughed at mommy because I was scared and you loved it....I haven't been able to bring myself to go because its not gonna be the same without you....YOU LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE FAIR...the noise, the food,the rides, the people....and everyone who met you of course loved you....Miss Wanda gave you that Harley Davidson Jacket and Hat and you wore it EVERYWHERE because you wanted to grow up and ride motorcycles like all the people in your life that you loved...I have cried almost as much this week as I did when you died...All these first things without you are horrible and I hurt so bad it seems like it will never stop....Pretty soon its going to be Halloween,Thanksgiving,Christmas and we have to do all that without you.....We were robbed of your life, I will never get to see you fall in love,Kiss a boy other then Logan, Get Married, Become the a doctor like you wanted....Kyra wont have you there to teach her all the things big sisters are supposed to teach there lil sisters and everyday that just gets worse,the pain sucks....I haven't gotten out of bed much this week..i get Kyra off to school and I just lay back in bed till its time to go get her, I don't leave the house unless I need to do something for your sister why bother there is nothing to do...so I just lay in bed and cry until I have to be MOM and its killing me because I Miss you, I Miss your voice, your touch, your snuggles, your I love You Mommy's and I just cant stop waiting to wake up from this horrible dream and have you walk in the door from being with Nana or Poppy and yell Mommy im home...I know rationally that will never happen because I look at your Urn with you in it everyday but My heart isn't rational and I want you back so bad....FUCKING CANCER ROBBED YOU FROM US AND I WANT YOU BACK!!!!!!!!!! I want to be at the Fair with you pulling you in your wagon while the crazy castle balllon you got which was bigger then you keeps smacking people as we walk, I want you to be climbing that damn rock wall and jumping on the trampoline...I want all the time back that we were supposed to get and im so angry and sad that no matter how much I want it, it will never happen......NOBODY comes to see me or Kyra....we are forgotten now by most because your not with us...that's how Kyra feels and most days honestly that's who I feel...I know most people cant handle my grief so they stay away and they all have there lives to live...but we are stuck and cant move forward....we have Nana and Poppa John always and we know that even if I do push them away a lot because I just cant deal wih all the pain im havin a hard enough time with mine and kyras....But I told someone close to me today whose family member just lost a child...don't ask them if they need you to be there, just go, show up and push your way in because even if they don't say it, they need you...and honestly its true...I will NEVER ask someone to come here or to take me somewhere,i will never ask someone for help but I wouldn't refuse a Hug or a phone call if someone showed up either....I am trying to hold on baby and do all the things you wanted I honestly am but some days/weeks are just harder then others and the smallest things set me off...it could be a smell that reminds me of you, a picture of you and aunt dari just had me freak out....Putting your clothes in bags to give away was the worst because everytime I gave something away I felt like I lost another piece of you and im not sure how many more pieces I can lose without losing my mind.....I pray to the universe everynight that your safe and happy now where your at...BUT I will NEVER believe that your in a better place because the best place for your is in my arms and your not there.....I Love You Baby and miss you with all that I am xoxoxoxo hope your climbing that rock wall in heaven and making it to the top everytime!!!!!!!!!

7 months of hell on earth

Hi Baby...its been 7 months since you fought your last battle and went on to fight for others....We ALL Miss You So much it hurts and what NOBODY understands is that it wasn't just YOU that we lost, we lost Our Hospital Family too, we lost the people that we came to love over the 4yrs...the kids, the nurses that kept mommy sane, the doctors we loved...ALL of them gone the minute you took your last breathe......it feels like I have to start all over....I wake up in the middles of the night and want to walk out of my room and talk to KJ who always gave it to me straight no matter...I want to wake up and walk out and see Mel,Robbi, Jason, Tom,Joe,Laura,Kymmie,Deb,Donnna,Juanita,Sevasty,Bonnie,Kendra,Amy,Mel Mel, and so many others that were always there when Mommy needed someone to talk to and who ALWAYS Treated You like a princess and NEVER treated you like a number....I can still hear that nurse in CHOP asking you what hospital you liked better, yours or theres and you said I Like MY Hospital better the Nurses are Nicer....And it was true because at CHOP you were a casenumber and at Danville You were a Child with a name and your name was Audrianna or as you told the surgical nurse one time when she asked your name PRINCESS DIEGO MUFFIN HEAD lol you told her you were going to marry Diego someday...so that's the name she wrote on your chart!!!!!!! You always made people smile no matter what, even when you were scared or in the worst pain of your life you had the ability to make other people laugh or smile.....I know when people read this they will think im crazy BUT I miss the ride to Danville with you...that's how we learned all the words to Puff The Magic Dragon together after poppa john put it on repeat on a disk for you and it played exactly 18 times each way...I know every word to this day because it was your favorite song from the first time Woody Wolfe sang it for you...I Miss the clinic nurses...Barbie,Deb,Becky they always made you feel loved and you loved your Barbie so much she is/was a wonderful person and loved you with her whole heart....I miss being admitted with you even though it drove us both crazy most of the time BUT it also made us so much closer because all we had was each other...I miss not knowing how the other babies/Kids we met along the way are doing...I follow some of them on facebook and I jump for joy when they are ok and I cry when they aren't...Hannah just had her last chemo and is getting her port out and I am so thrilled for her but god I wish you were there to celebrate with her...I heard the hospital has tye-dye gold t-shirts with a gold ribbon this year for September...do you remember how hard Mommy pushed for that last year? How loud I yelled about the pink ones they were selling in September for breast cancer and how they should have waited till oct and done gold for the kids? Well I guess either someone listened to me or someone else had the same idea but who cares it is happening they listened but im pissed off that neither of us are there to see it.....I miss taking you to the turle fountain and letting you toss pennies in and then taking you to see Miss Kathy in the gift shop...remember how we did our Christmas shopping there last year baby....NOTHING is the same now...your gone and so is all of that and Mommy Hurts so bad and doesn't know how to Move Forward with this Different life now...I don't cry where Kyra can see me because I don't want her to hurt or to see me hurting But I cry every night once she is asleep...I sleep with Your Bunny, Your Audrianna doll Aunt Dena gave you and Your Bald American Girl doll you named Hannah Who looks like you with her blue eyes,her hearing aides and dressed in her Princess Jazmine outfit you picked out for her....those are all I have left of you other then ashes and memories....I take Kyra to school everyday and watch her goto class in Your old classroom that You Loved so much but didn't get to spend a lot of time in and it kills me that your not there because you loved school so much...I don't know how to go back to being Normal as people put it to me...Normal is You here with us, Normal is you riding your bike and your sister running behind you because she hates pushing the peddles on her bike, normal is you laughin and playing till you couldn't anymore and then asking for meds at bed cause you over did it and hurt yourself but you never wanted to miss a minute of being NORMAL.....Aunt Dari came to visit a we went to Amiee's Walk together and let me tell you it didn't feel normal, I felt like an outsider, like without you I didn't belong there...even having Aunt Dari here and feeling her love didn't feel normal it felt like we were going through the paces because we loved you so much and now you weren't here...Gwen wants to come visit and I love her and her family but I don't know how that's gonna go either, You and Kyra were always the ones that made her and Alana and Kathy smile...I was just the Mom...now it will just be Kyra alone and I don't know how normal that's gonna be for any of us...we want to see them we miss them and they miss us...im just not sure if any of us are gonna be able to smile through this first big visit without you..Every first is Horrible, I smile and nod and act ok but im not...im always dying inside and pretending...I have been pretending for 7 months and it doesn't get better...I know everyone wants me to be better, they want me to be happy and start moving forward and god im trying baby but its not the same...Nana and I don't talk much anymore and I know its my fault I pushed her away..she has always been my mom and my best friend but when you died I lost it and so did she, we couldn't handle each others grief....And I still cant...I don't know how to talk to her anymore, I don't know how to just be with her like before,we have grown so far apart and I don't know how to get us back...I Love her she is my mom and has always been my rock.....BUT I feel like I cant tell her things anymore because she judges me and makes me feel bad and I know that's probably all in my head but its how I feel...Please help me get through this baby I need her back.....ALMOST as bad as I need you back :( ....I would do anything just to hold you in my arms one more time and hear you say I Love You Mommy and so I could say I love You Audrianna........

19 weeks and no relief from pain in sight

Hi Baby....I cant believe its been 19weeks since you went to play with the angel's...these have been the hardest weeks of my life....nothing seems right without you here, everything is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it...it feels like a roller coaster ride that will never end...most days I can get through with the fake smile and telling everyone im ok even when im not...most people wont question it because they really don't want to know so the Im Ok response works....my emotions are all over the place and I am so lost without you...I smile and take care of sissy because she needs me and most days I can make it through without falling apart but then somedays like today I just cant....I decided it was time to finish going through your clothes today and work on going through your toys and getting things ready to be donated to other kids who can use these things...I knew it would be hard but I didn't think it would be devastating...everytime I touched a toy that you loved my heart would break because you were never going to hold it again...so many of your Favorite stuffed animals that still had the hospital wristbands with your name and medical record number around there necks as collars so if we left them in the hospital someone would know who it belong to...everytime I picked one of them up I would remember where or how you got it and how long you cuddled with it and my heart hurt so bad knowing you didn't have any of them to cuddle with now.....And your beautiful clothes that your never gonna wear again...the tutu we made in the hospital with Miss Samantha...some of the things I just cant part with...It hurts to much to think of someone else playing with it or wearing it....so I kept a big bag of stuff, bigger then id normally keep because well we all know daddy is the hoarder and mommy is the thrower away-er....but not today, today I hoarded all your memories into a bag and cried because that's all I have left of you...a gooddamn bag full of stuff and an Urn full of ashes and it is so fucking unfair, you should be here with us, swimming with your sister...who by the way you would be so proud of because she learned to go underwater!!!!!!!!!!! You should be sitting in your butterfly garden watching the butterflies like we were today, You should be getting excited to see your cousins on Monday and dammit your not here for any of these things and it's just not right...no Mom or Dad should EVER outlive there baby....It is the most devastating thing ever....I know why Grandma Gerry was never the same after uncle jimmy was hit by the drunk driver now, I know her pain and it SUCKS...the only thing that gets me through most days is the HOPE that your ok, the thought that your pain is gone now and the dream of seeing you again one day...I love You Baby

3 months and it seems like yesterday

It's been a little over 3 months since you are gone baby and for all of us it still seems like yesterday...we are all trying so hard to smile and be happy like we know you would want us to be but it is so goddamn hard...Kyra misses you so much and she cries almost everynight about how she misses her sissy and wishes god would give you back, she doesn't understand that can never happen..that you are an angel now and there is no way for you to come back...hell I don't understand why this had to happen and im an adult...so I know how hard this must be for a 5yr old..i called a therapist today and left a message hoping that I can get Kyra in to see her and well me too because my heart cant take much more, Tonight Kyra had a major meltdown and cried forever telling me how much she misses you and that you were the best sister in the world, how you were always there for her and protected her when other kids were mean to her, how you never let anyone pick on her or push her around because she was your baby sister and she misses that, she misses your hugs and your smile even when you were grumpy, I wish I could make this better for her so bad, I wish I could pull a magical miracle out of my pocket and bring you back for her...god baby if there was a way that I could trade places with you I would,if there was a way that I could beg the universe to return you and take me in your place I would do it in a heartbeat..i asked so many times when you were alive to let the cancer take me instead of you and let you live, id have sold my soul to the devil to make that happen because you deserved a chance to live dammit, you deserved a chance to grow up, goto prom, get married, have babies,all the things I see my others friends kids doing right now and it just breaks my heart over and over that ill never see you do those things BUT I swear to you I will make sure Kyra does all of them and she never feels left out...I have been trying to stay off facebook and the computer as much as I can because I cant handle watching anymore of your friends/kids we have grown to love die from this damn disease or any other for that matter YET it doesn't stop it from happening...Bella is home on hospice and doesn't have long before she will be needing you to wait at the gates for her baby and take her hand and show her around...and there are so many others,sigh...everytime one of them hurts or dies its like losing you all over again and some people say I shouldn't get attached to these kids and I should back away and hide my heart but then who will fight to make sure people know that all of you need help??? I need to fight to make you proud of me and to help the ones that are still here....we are working so hard on your garden,the dedication of it and the memorial bike run in your name so that we can raise money and get your Foundation up and running to help other kids, I tye-dyed the bench we got because I knew you would love the pretty colors I know your looking down from heaven smiling. Please send mommy and sissy some warrior strength baby we really need it right now and can you please send Nana some and whisper in her ear that your all right because I think she needs it a lot......the world just hasn't been the same since you left it baby...the song that goes through my head everytime I think of you is THERE AINT NO SUNSHINE SINCE SHE'S GONE and that's what it feels like, that the day you died all the sunshine went out of our worlds..Tonight I sang your favorite songs to Kyra to try and get her to sleep...it was so hard for me to sing puff the magic dragon to her because that was always your song but she wanted to hear it so I sang..But instead of lil Jackie paper she made me change the words to lil audri paper...so now it's her song with You.....then I sang hush lil baby to her because that was always a favorite to both of you and she cried because at the end I sang and you will always be the cutest lil Kyra in town and she said remember when you always used to sing and audri and Kyra will always be the cutest lil girls in town and when I said yes she cried more and said I wish we were still together in the song mommy...so I sang it again and put both of you back in the song and that's when she finally went to sleep...I hope she is dreaming of you and that your giving her beautiful dreams to hold onto baby....Love always Mommy

Lost without you

Hi Baby...the last few days have been so hard...our neighbor decided that we cant share the yard anymore because all the neighborhood kids and uncle dennys kids were running through the yard and along side his house so he got mad and told us we had to move your swingset and everything off his part of the yard which until then he let us share...mommy had to go buy a fence and put it up so geena and the kids cant be on his side...this leaves us with a yard smaller then a postage stamp, your trampoline barely fits and we aren't sure if we are gonna be able to put the swingset in the yard or have to take it to nana's...when we had to move it I had a total breakdown because that was YOURS and it was the first thing we had to get you when you got sick because you couldn't goto the park like other kids...to most people this might seem like a trivial thing having to move a swingset but to me it was like losing you all over again..its bad enough ill never see you swing high enough to try and hit the top of the canopy like you were flying ever again but now we might not even be able to keep something that meant so much to you..every memory I have of you in the last four years in the summertime revolvs around that swingset...to me it felt like the day you died all over again and I don't know how many more pieces of you I can lose without losing my mind..i haven't stopped crying for days,everytime I go outside and see your swingset across the street in toms yard waiting for it to see if we can move it back to ours or take it apart and move it to nana's I start crying again...I feel like the hits keep coming, like it was bad enough i had to lose you now i have to lose the parts of you i have left...people keep telling me this is going to get easier but it doesn't..everyday without you is like another day I feel like im swimming under water and cant find my way back to the top Your birthday is coming in 8 days and Kyra wants to have a cake for you and let balloons go up to heaven with messages written on them so you can read them when they get to you, I am glad that she is talking about you and wanting to do these wonderful things to make her feel closer to you and make her feel better because at least I know im doing ok by her and she is healing....now if only I could find a way to make myself start to heal...I want to lay in the dark on your birthday by myself and just close my eyes and cry because im not holding you...but I cant do that because I have to be strong for sissy and everyone else...I wish there was someone who was always strong for me..i feel like if im not the strong one that everyone around me will crumble too because we are ALL having such a hard time with you not being here and well someone has to be strong and isn't that a mom's job? I was just sitting outside crying alone in the dark when the chimes started going and it started to rain and I felt like it was you telling me not to cry because you always hated when I cried and when I couldn't stop I felt like you were crying with me...so I sucked it up, stopped crying and came inside to write to you instead and the rain stopped...im glad since then I felt like you stopped crying, I never wanted anything but yours and Kyra's happiness and I tried so hard to give both of you that even when you were battling that horrible disease that was stealing your childhood and eventually your life...please forgive me if I stumble along the way now with Kyra but I am trying so hard to keep her happy and healthy...the school year is almost over and Kyra will be graduating from pre-school but she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to leave helping hands..she says but mommy that was audri's school I don't want to leave..and even when I tell her that you went to Arthur Street for Kindergarten and she is gonna go there and have Miss Frumkin just like you did she says its not the same because you weren't there as long as you were at Helping Hands...please send your sister some warrior strength so she can be ok for kindergarten in the fall baby and while your at it give some to mommy so I can handle watching her go off to KG knowing she is my last baby and im sending her off to Big Kid School...I didn't cry when you went because you were so excited to actually be allowed to goto KG that it made me so happy to see you there but I did wait on pins and needles till you got out the first day and told me how much you loved it...I think with Kyra its gonna be so much harder because I know you wont be there to show her the ropes like she and I always expected you to be..i know the staff at the school will take great care of her, but its still going to hurt my heart knowing your not there in first grade where you belong...I know im rambling now so im gonna stop writing but I love You Baby..Sleep Sweet with Your Angel Friends...Love Mommy

10 very long weeks

I cannot believe that I has been 10 weeks since the last time I held you in my arms or heard you say I love you mommy...I miss you so much it physically hurts...Baby I know that your not in pain anymore and your dancing with the angel's but it doesn't make it any better because I want you here and out of pain, I want you to be whole and happy and riding your bike with all the neighborhood kids this summer...the last couple days have been extremely hard because its been nice outside so all the kids are riding there bikes and I keep expecting to see you come around that corner yelling look at me mom im going so fast with a big smile on your face...the kids are also jumping on the new trampoline that you and Kyra got for Christmas and you should be there jumping with them and doing flips with that smile that lights up the world..i hope your up in heaven using the clouds as a trampoline and bouncing along with your sister..... Having the other kids to play with has been helping Kyra a lot, she is sleeping better and not crying as much which is wonderful,so I sit outside and I smile and watch them play for her and the whole time im missing you so much I want to cry...I am trying very hard to stay busy...Me and Miss Heather are getting the butterfly garden going and Miss Amy is working on the memorial run to dedicate the garden so that we can get your foundation up and running...now mommy is trying to find a lawyer to help me with all the legal jargon which im told is impossible!!!!!!! But I am determined that we are going to get everything up and running and help other kids and not just kids with cancer, any child that has a chronic life threatening illness from newborn to 21 because we saw a lot of different kids when you were sick and some of there diseases don't have any type of foundations to help them...I know that everytime we help another child your going to be there holding my hand and saying good job mommy...these are the things getting me through the day, even when I don't want to get out of bed...today I sent sissy to school and went right back to bed because its Friday and I just couldn't handle it...now she is home and outside playing and smiling so im gonna go out and sit with her and megan and logan and watch them have fun.....I Love you baby and your forever in my heart...have fun with your angel friends xoxoxo

9 weeks without you

Hi Baby I cant believe its been 9 weeks since the last time I saw your beautiful smile or heard you laugh...our hearts are so broken and we just don't know how to go on and LIVE NORMAL whatever that is...people tell me all the time I have to get back into a NORMAL ROUTINE...hell I have no clue what normal is anymore,after years of hospitals and long car drives listening to puff the magic dragon on repeat(exactly 18 times from Hazleton to Danville) I feel so lost when I get in the car and im not driving to the hospital and your not in the back seat going mom can you put woodys cd in or mom can you make my movie work,mom I need a drink,mom I dropped my French fries on the floor...I miss all of that so much its scary..another thing I miss and im sure people reading this are going to think im crazy BUT I miss the hospital...you and I had both made so many friends there and now I feel like not only did I lose you but I lost all of them..the nurses that I could talk to about anything(especially my 3rd shift girls who kept me sane many a night)..the other kids that we kept track of and who became like family...I miss not knowing if they are ok...I miss having someone to talk to that understands what im feeling and doesn't judge how crazy I actually feel all the time....And most of ALL I miss YOU...id do anything to turn back time for one last hospital visit just to hear you yell at me that the lights are to bright or the tv is too loud or you have to pee...any of those things and id give anything to crawl into that bed with you and just hold you,snuggle and talk about all of your dreams and you had alot of them....I am trying to make some of those dreams come true...Miss Heather,Abby and Noah are helping Mommy get everything together for your butterfly garden at your school,its going to be beautiful baby just beautiful....Aunt Amy is helping mommy put together a memorial bike run to help raise money to finish the garden and get your foundation up and running so mommy can help other kids just like you wanted me to...I have already had a couple of families asking me about when its going to be ready, im working on getting bylaws and have a lawyer help me with everything so I can get rolling...Also Penny and Kelly are holding a dance to help raise money...don't worry baby we wont let you down we are going to do everything we can to make Audrianna's Butterfly Wish Foundation a reality......we celebrated Nana's Birthday on the 15th and it was so hard because you weren't there,when we cut the cake and you weren't there to eat a piece a part of my heart broke off and baby im not sure how many more pieces I can lose...this Saturday is the Helping Hands Telethon,Kyra is going to sing with all the kids and I have to go and smile for her when all I can think about is the fact that you should be up there singing with her like you were the last 2yrs...you loved that school and you loved to sing in front of the camera because you were such a ham...I know you will be there with us and you will help sissy remember the words like you always did because she tends to freeze up in front of crowds and tv camers, unlike you who loved every second of the lime light....And your birthday is coming next month...another first without you,these firsts are killers...they are so hard and its so hard for ALL of us especially mommy to fake that smile and get through it...Kyra asked me today if we could have a cake for you and I said yes we would have a cake and we would eat a piece just for you...she smiled and said I think audri would like that mommy...and then we are gonna get balloons and write things on them we want you to know and send them up so you can read them in Heaven...there is not a second of any day that goes by that we don't think about you...everywhere we go there are signs that your with us..people I have never met walk up and ask me if im your mom and then tell me how you touched there lives because you were so strong and courageous....and I tell them that you were then and always will be MY HERO that you taught me more about life and how to live it in your 6yrs then I ever would have learned on my own and I can never thank you enough for choosing me to be your mommy...All I ever wished for you was to live life to the fullest and be happy and you did and now with all that I am I hope that your the happiest angel in heaven because your whole again...no more disease wasting away your body, you have wonderful long curly strawberry blonde hair again and you can laugh and jump and play with all your friends...I love you Baby Close to My Heart Baby You are My Sunshine now and always