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Friday, November 18, 2011

Depressed and Scared

This has been a really bad week one of my dear friends lost there beautiful 3yr old son Karson to Neuroblastoma. Sunday i have to goto Karson's viewing because his parents would be there for me if the roles were reversed...i want to be there for Tish and Brian but i also want to run screaming and hide under the covers and not come out...every baby that dies, every funeral i attend, a piece of me dies with them and im not sure how many more pieces i can lose before i lose my mind completely.Karson was such a beautiful baby with a bright smile and a giggle that would fill the whole room and knowing that his light has been exstinguished before he ever had a chance to grow and really shine SUCKS.I cant even fathom what his poor parents are going through or his 2 older brothers...i can say i have walked in there shoes to this point but i cant say i know how they feel now...i can say i know how id feel and it wouldnt be good, so im going to say my goodbyes and help hold them up because if they feel like id feel all they want to do is fall down and die without there baby.

The depression seems to be eating me alive this week...i havent wanted to get out of bed or leave the house...i get the girls off to school and back on the couch to sleep i go..i want to get up and go do things but i just cant make myself do was the first day i actually willingly left the house and went out in public all week.

I feel so alone all the time even when im surrounded by people/family i still feel sad and alone. I dont tell them this and i smile and act like nothings wrong because nobody wants to be around someone who is sad all the time,so i have learned to fake the smile to perfection and say yes im fine no worries im strong i can handle it. When inside im dying little by little because really im not strong...i just act that way because its what everyone needs to see.

My husband and i seem to live on different planets,we live in the same house but dont talk unless we are yelling at each other and im being told im the bitch and if i was Nicer things would be different...yeah Ok sure let me get right on that...he doesnt understand the depression,basically wants me to suck it up and start acting like the girl he got together with 20yrs ago and well im not that girl anymore...waiting forever for a child after being told i was never going to have one and then getting a miracle that had to fight from her first breathe since she was a preemie and then at the age of 2 she gets cancer...kinda changes a girl and well im not happy go lucky anymore...i have 2 beautiful babies and yet one of them fights for her life everyday. My husband lives in his bubble of everything is going to be alright while i live in the reality of it might not be and its really hard to be the only one that has to deal with the nightmare everyday.

Next week is Thanksgiving and i am so grateful to have both my babies here with me for it...but i am also terrified since Audrianna is having her scans the day before thanksgiving to see if the cancer has stabilized/grown/gone and what our next step will be. The docs have to let us know asap because if its working then she has to go back in for chemo on the 28th and they are going to add another drug to the mixture to try and kill any cells that may still be there. Audrianna has been complaining about back pain and her legs hurting:( This could be a sign the tumor is growing or it could be growing pains..either way everytime she says something hurts my heart stops. I am so scared they are going to tell me the chemo isnt working and ill have to go through with audrianna's decision not to do more invasive chemo and let her be done and go home. I dont know that i can handle that..i thought i could before but now as the time is getting closer all i can do is scream inside about how we need to keep looking we need to keep fighting...and then i think of Karson and how they did keep fighting and looking and he faded away and lost his battle anyway no matter how hard they tried and i think...can i do that to her? I wish to god i had a magic 8 ball i could shake that would give me all the right answers and id never have to be in this position because hell the magic 8 ball would be making the choices not me. Not my 5yr old either.I wish with all my heart and sould that cancer didnt touch our babies and they didnt need to suffer and i wish to god it had NEVER touched mine.


  1. I am so sorry that you are going through this with your daughter and I think you are a very strong person. I feel that you need to go get taken care of yourself, depression is a serious disease and is nothing to be ashamed of and you need to take care of yourself so you can remain strong to take care of your daughters. I feel bad that your husband isn't more supportive but maybe this is the only way he can deal with it, by choosing to downplay the reality of it. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and pray that you get good news on Wednesday and have an extra special reason to be thankful on Thanksgiving. Blessings, Teri

  2. I know that this must suck, and like you im not going to even pretend to know how you feel. But i have three beautiful babies Kaylee who is 8, Aubrey who is 7, and Ian who is 4. when i a=was pregnant with Ian the doctors told me he had a congenital heart defect and the left side of his heart was not developing. They told me the best thing for me to do is abort him because he would have to have a heart transplant when he was born and would have only a 10% chance at survival. At this point in my pregnancy i was 6 months pregnant and my husband was deployed to Iraq I was devastated i didn't want to eat i didn't want to do anything but lay in bed and cry. I mean all i ever wanted is a little boy and now im being told to abort him. Well i didn't have the abortion i decided laying there in bed that I was giving my little boy at least a chance so i had him and the next day he had his heart surgery i remember being so scared i felt like i had made the wrong decision here i had this little baby and now they are cutting him open and causing him pain I felt selfish like its my fault he was going to be suffering but i went into his room after his surgery and looked down at him and he looked at me and smiled and my heart broke i knew then right then i had made the right decision that this little two day old baby boy was showing me what fighting and survival are. My son has had to many hospital stays to count my husband and i have been terminated from so many jobs over my son condition that it make me angry. Thankfully over the pat year and half we have had no complications or hospital stays but i know in the back of my head that my son who is sitting here in front of me right now playing with his thomas trains could be in the hospital by this evening with heart failure, it scares me to the core but i have to keep my faith i have to keep my faith in god (in whom i have cursed and damned) and you have to keep faith in your child and most importantly keep your faith in yourself, being depressed and scared doesn't make you weak or a BITCH it makes you human it make you a mother. I know all to well how to fake the smiles and push all your emotions down. But at some point you have to let your feeling be known weather its talking to a friend a stranger or what ever you have to be healthy in order to get that beautiful little girl of yours healthy too. YOU CANT CHANGE THE HAND OF CARDS LIFE DEALS YOU, BUT ONLY YOU CONTROL HOW YOU PLAY THOSE CARDS. I know your hand sucks a lot of us are delt the shitty hand in life but play it out until the end play with hope faith and grace and i pray that you have a winning hand int he end

  3. I cannot even fathom what you are going through. But, if your husband is the way he is, then YOU have to be strong for you and the girls. That being said, I would call the ACS(American Cancer Society) and see if there are support groups for persons in your situation or if they can recommend someone for you to see). YES, you need your time for your girls, but you also need to be a healthy you, KWIM?? Maybe talking to a professional, whether online or in person, can help you be the best you. You are the best mom, remember that. Sorry, but your husband sounds like an ass.