So today Audrianna was admitted for her 4th round of chemo and let me tell ya its been a hell of a day so far.The one chemo she has to take only comes in capsule form and she has to take 75 miligrams of it which is a total of 6 pills and she cannot swallow them sooooo it has to be put in some type of food or drink and so far NOTHING has worked to take the nasty taste out of her mouth. Today we used the orange juice like we have the last 2 times and she has just had lunch like an hour or so before...her favorite chinese food of course...and what happens you ask...well she gets the chemo and loses every blessed thing she ate all over her blankie uugh and then because she hadnt kept it down for 20mins she had to do it all over!! The 2nd time we tried Yogurt but she couldnt stop crying and being hysterical long enough to even try.Finally after trying to bribe her with everything and anything and nothing working we had to get *Mean*...tell her either she took it or they were going to put in a nose tube(NG TUBE) and give it to her that way,this set off another round of hysteria which i then calmed her down from again,tried to give her the yogurt and NOOO wasnt gonna happen so i had to hold her down and force it in and hope to god she wouldnt throw up again...she started to gag and i had to yell at her not to puke or she would have to do this again which is the Only reason she kept it in...now i feel like the worst person on earth for having to do this to her But i know it had to be done,yet i hate myself, hate this disease, hate everything right now that is hurting my baby:(
Mommy had to walk away and go in the bathroom and bang her head a few times and cry a little so Audrianna wouldnt see her, then come back out and smile again till reinforcements got there.
Thankfully now Uncle Denny is here, he brought her a new blankie thank god and some goodies so she is smiling and mommy got to run away to the playroom and type and cry in private.
NOBODY Knows this hell unless they have been there with a sick child and even then every hell is different in ways.This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life and i swear if one more person tells me this is just my cross to bear and god doesnt give you more then you can handle...im gonna take that cross and ram it where the friggin sun doesnt shine!!!!!!!!!!!
Pissed off and scared and stuff like that doesnt help,even though i know people are trying to make me feel better...it really doesnt.
Found out today that out dear friend Karson is being transferred to CT Childrens Hospital and hopefully they will put him on a new trial otherwise his parents will be taking him home to live out his days and today is his 3RD BIRTHDAY...HOW FUCKING FAIR IS THAT?? I am so tired of watching these babies die, why cant they find a damn cure grrrrrrrr so angry right now and so damn sad.
All Donations goto Audrianna's Butterfly Garden and to help start the Audrianna's Foundation
M&T Bank
Hazle Township, PA 18202
(570) 450-7830
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praying for u all
ReplyDeleteI am hoping this works for your little angel!! It would be so hard to go through what you are going through as a mother!! My prayers are with you all!!
ReplyDeleteKeep Fighting Audrianna you can beat this!!!
Here is a positive note, my little cousin had Leukemia and he was admitted to CCMC which is here in my state, and they treated him for quite some time and then he was transferred to Boston (im not sure which hospital and such) but he is now cancer free, and almost off all his meds, and living life like a little boy should. I know nothing I can say can help you in your situation right now. And your right I do not know your pain, or what your going through, but I can say that I sit here everyday and read your updates and cry along with you. I look at my kids and say what if that was them? Am I strong enough as Audrianna's mom to handle this? I honestly don't know if I could. It's a long hard road, but I know that you are an awesome mom staying by your babies side doing everything you can to help her fight this disease. This is why I do relay for life, and I am helping make things for you guys for christmas. I hate this disease as well. I lost many family members to it, multiple family members have lost organs, or body parts due to it. IT really does SUCK. I hope you guys have a better day tomorrow and please know that you do not type into silence. We are here and are listening. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it must be like to watch your baby suffer like that. You are doing what any good mother would do, and even though you feel like the worst person in the world for making her take the medication, one day she'll thank you for it. Your daughter is amazingly strong, and she is because of you. No matter how hard it is, stay positive and always remember that it's okay to be pissed off and scared sometimes. Stay strong! You can beat this!
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. People tell you things about God when they don't have answers and really hope that God has some plan. Maybe he does. My hope is that Science has an answer and that her treatments will work and you will have a healthy daughter. I'm sorry that you are going through this. This is such a raw expression of a child's pain and a mothers anguish. People take for granted the fact that they have healthy children. You are raising awareness about an uncomfortable subject. You are an advocate for something, I'm sure, that you would rather not be. But you are a good advocate and a wonderful mother. I hope (and pray) for the best for Audrianna, you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine your situation and I went through chemo as an adult (and cried)...have you tried putting the pill contents in a mini candy bar, like Snickers? or maybe inside a mini-jelly donut hole. Honey may even work(if she likes honey). With the way they can flavor cough medicine, I don;t see how they cannot do the same for this. I am praying for her. and for you too
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. So sad for you and Audrianna to be suffering
ReplyDeletei have been in your shoes, and i know your pain. it is the hardest thing to do , to force your child to take a poison that will help and make them sick at the same time. to watch them cry adn cry and not truely understand. my daughter was 18months when we found out she had Stage 2a Neuroblastoma.
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