So today Audrianna was admitted for her 4th round of chemo and let me tell ya its been a hell of a day so far.The one chemo she has to take only comes in capsule form and she has to take 75 miligrams of it which is a total of 6 pills and she cannot swallow them sooooo it has to be put in some type of food or drink and so far NOTHING has worked to take the nasty taste out of her mouth. Today we used the orange juice like we have the last 2 times and she has just had lunch like an hour or so before...her favorite chinese food of course...and what happens you ask...well she gets the chemo and loses every blessed thing she ate all over her blankie uugh and then because she hadnt kept it down for 20mins she had to do it all over!! The 2nd time we tried Yogurt but she couldnt stop crying and being hysterical long enough to even try.Finally after trying to bribe her with everything and anything and nothing working we had to get *Mean*...tell her either she took it or they were going to put in a nose tube(NG TUBE) and give it to her that way,this set off another round of hysteria which i then calmed her down from again,tried to give her the yogurt and NOOO wasnt gonna happen so i had to hold her down and force it in and hope to god she wouldnt throw up again...she started to gag and i had to yell at her not to puke or she would have to do this again which is the Only reason she kept it in...now i feel like the worst person on earth for having to do this to her But i know it had to be done,yet i hate myself, hate this disease, hate everything right now that is hurting my baby:(
Mommy had to walk away and go in the bathroom and bang her head a few times and cry a little so Audrianna wouldnt see her, then come back out and smile again till reinforcements got there.
Thankfully now Uncle Denny is here, he brought her a new blankie thank god and some goodies so she is smiling and mommy got to run away to the playroom and type and cry in private.
NOBODY Knows this hell unless they have been there with a sick child and even then every hell is different in ways.This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life and i swear if one more person tells me this is just my cross to bear and god doesnt give you more then you can handle...im gonna take that cross and ram it where the friggin sun doesnt shine!!!!!!!!!!!
Pissed off and scared and stuff like that doesnt help,even though i know people are trying to make me feel better...it really doesnt.
Found out today that out dear friend Karson is being transferred to CT Childrens Hospital and hopefully they will put him on a new trial otherwise his parents will be taking him home to live out his days and today is his 3RD BIRTHDAY...HOW FUCKING FAIR IS THAT?? I am so tired of watching these babies die, why cant they find a damn cure grrrrrrrr so angry right now and so damn sad.