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50 Laurel Mall
Hazle Township, PA 18202
(570) 450-7830

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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I wish people understood my choices

I sit here crying and wondering why i always feel so alone, why cant people understand the choices i make in my life arent only for me?? My husband and i are mostly estranged because cancer sucks and has torn our family apart. Everyone wants to know WHY wont i throw him out since we fight and he isnt really an active part of our life...the answer is WE HAVE CHILDREN AND ONE OF THEM HAS CANCER!!!!! I will not Tear My Kids Life apart worse then it already is just because me and there dad cant always get along. There Father Loves them even if he doesnt always know how to show it and even if he lives in his own bubble and wont admit that Audrianna is sick and may die..but thats his way of dealing with this horrible fucking disease thats tearing our family apart.
I am so tired of the people i love the most looking down on me because they feel i should be stronger and just tell him get out and go away...what they dont realize is i am being VERY STRONG by not telling him to get out and go away, i am being as strong as i can to keep my kids happy and i wish with all i have that people would respect and understand that.
Jim is not a bad person,he has a good heart, he just doesnt show it and lives in a different world then i do now that audrianna is sick...i dont hate him as a person i never could we have been together 20yrs. I hate that i feel like he has left me to fight this battle with our child alone, i hate that he cant deal and i have to make all the choices and decisions...i hate ALL THOSE THINGS but i dont hate him. Just because we arent the same people we were 20yrs ago or even 2yrs ago when Audrianna was diagnosed doesnt mean we dont still Love and care fo each other it just means the Love has changed and that this disease is Killing it slowly piece by piece no matter how hard we try not to let it.
Cancer doesnt just affect the person that has it, Cancer affects the whole family, your friends,everyone around you and sometimes even if you beat the cancers affect on the body, the cancer still wins because it tears apart the family and the friends you thought would always be there.
Im sitting here right now listening to my girls fight over CRAYONS of all things and to most moms the yelling and screaming that is coming from my living room would make them crazy, to me its the most beautiful Noise in the world. I have friends that cant understand why it doesnt bother me if Kyra pulls audrianna's hair or vice versa, or they beat each other up, why doesnt it make me crazy and yell? Because TOMORROW they might not be able to do that so SCREW IT let them fight,cry,make a mess and tear things apart TODAY because they can and they can do it TOGETHER.Right now all i care about is that Audrianna can still Yell and be a Kid even if it means beating up her sister or her cousin.
One thing Cancer has taught me is that you have to live for today and stop sweating the small stuff...who cares if the house is a mess, or the kids are fighting and beating each other long as your all together when it happens??


  1. So sorry you are having to go through all of this...I can't say I know what you are going through but what I can say is that I pray...I pray for you and your family! If people don't understand your choices then so be it - only you can decide what is best for you and if that means letting things go then so be it!!

  2. I understand your choices all too well. My son is 27 and was first diagnoised with cancer at 18. Just when we thought that he was cured last year we found out that the original chemo had destroyed his kidneys and then a month later we found out that his cancer had come back and it was Stage IV within 3 months. Right now he is getting chemo that is keeping his tumors from growing but will not cure him. So like you I live for today. I understand about what you said about your husband since my ex-husband is also like that. He just does not want to deal with or accept what is happening. Financially I have nothing left and am getting deeper in debt but as long as I have another day with my son I am happy. I know what it is to feel like you are alone-I have had what I thought were intellegent people ask me what my son did to get cancer or how he caught it. What is even sadder is that we live in the same town as my father and 2 sisters and yet none of them call to see how my son is or if they can help. My best to your daughter and you and the rest of your family.