I havent been writing on here for a while because i have so much anger and pain built up that im afraid of the things ill say and the people ill offend. Today is one of those days i just dont give a crap if i offend anyone anymore. Audrianna did her 2nd round of chemo last week and came home on sunday,while we were in for treatment one of Audri's dear friends Sommer was life flighted in for pain management.Sommer is 12 and had osteocercoma she was in remission for a few months and then it came back 20x worse then before and she was given 3months at the most to live,last i heard from her mom Sommer had spoken to god and told him she was ready to go BUT not till she went home because she didnt want to DIE in a hospital,so she was being taken home today.
I am so Sick and tired of watching kids die, so sick and tired of loving them and watching them fade away dammit and even worse im so fucking pissed off that there is a GREAT POSSIBILITY MY CHILD IS NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!Everytime one of these kids that i love dies, its like losing my own child over and over...it never gets easier and there is no way NOT to get attached,only someone with no heart could stay detached.
I look at my child and see a happy bratty 5yr old and then i remember that inside her is a tumor eating away at her and if this damn poison we are giving her doesnt work she WILL DIE.I say that i have come to terms with that and that im prepared not to be selfish and let her live the rest of her life the way she wonts on her terms but really NOBODY is EVER prepared for it no matter how long you have been getting ready for the day to come.I know some people turn to god and believe that he is all powerful and he will heal there children and if he doesnt he will take them to a better place....BUT i cannot believe that because what better place is there for a child then with there mother??
I am so pissed off at this all powerful all knowing god everyone talks about...i mean really if he is all powerful and supposed to protect the little children...then where the hell is he? Because let me tell you he sure as shit isnt sitting on the oncology floor next to these babies that are dying!!!!
I am also pissed off at all the people that say they understand what im feeling...my question to them is this....has your child had canceror any other life threatening illness?? Have you had to hold her/him down while they shove needles into them or chemo or an NG Tube or any of the other shitty things that come with being terminally ill??? IF NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DONT TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! If you havent walked in my shoes dont tell me that you feel my pain or know my grief or my anger or that i shouldnt be mad at god, because my answer to that is FUCK YOU. Has your marriage been ripped to shreds because your child is ill, has your family gone through hell?? NO right? Then again SHUT UP.
I wish all the people that think they know whats best for me would get off there goddamn high horses and realize im doing the best i can for me and my children and if ya dont like it,to goddamn bad. Unlike Most people i have to try be in 2 places at once and choose between my children when all i want to do is hold them both close, slam the door in the face of any illness and wrap them in bubble wrap till they outlive me dammit.
I wish people would understand that when i vent on FB or Here in this blog its because i have nobody else to talk to and if i dont get it out somewhere im going to explode.Life sucks and right now its not getting better. TONIGHT i had to Hold my child down to change the dressing on her port, listen to her scream i was hurting her and telling me she hates me and all i was trying to do was make sure she doesnt get an infection.It is so hard to have to do that and not cry or yell at her or infront of her.After i was done i walked into the kitchen, punched a door, and then remembered that inanimate objects dont bend when you hit em and it hurts like hell.All i want to do is yell and scream and smash things just to hear them break...will this make things better?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but id sure as hell feel better listening to them break.