Day 4 of chemo

Yesterday was just as horrible as the day before. The day started out ok and she played with her nurse and had a good day, then the chemo pain started and she was beyond miserable. My parents brought Kyra to visit again and audrianna wanted her in the room one minute and wanted her gone th next,then poor Kyra cries because she has to leave and audri cries and im torn in 2. It sucks when you have to leave one child behind to take care of another, i pray everyday that Kyra wont grow up to hate me for leaving her or resent her sister because i had to!My mom tells me Kyra is a baby she isnt going to remember any of this but the mom part of me says she is 2yrs old and she breaks my heart when i have to leave her even though i know her grandparents take great care of her, sigh, mommy guilt sucks!Audrianna needs me right now she is sick and in pain all the time and i cant cut myself in 2 no matter how much id like to find a way to do just that. Today is the last day of this cycle of chemo and now audrianna has a high fever and they are going to start Iv antibiotics and hope the fever passes overnight, if not we will prolly be here for the weekend,sigh just one more holiday spent in here. Our trip to disney is next friday so im really hoping that the fever passes and she stays well so we can go because she is so looking forward to it and we need time as a family to just be *Normal* She had a smile a mile wide today when she got a package from Stephanie in the mail today from KanesChicBoutique!!! Stephanie sent audrianna and kyra each a beautiful minnie mouse dress with there names embroidered on them and audri had to try hers on and show all the nurses and take pictures with everyone lol it was the best feeling to see her so happy!!!Then of course she got sick and asked for medicine and went to sleep, thankfully she is sleeping peacefully now, but i doubt she will make it through the night asleep because she has a horrible cough that keeps waking her up. Please everyone pray for a good night and for her fever to pass and stay gone!If we get out of here tomorrow ill post the pics of her in her dress.

Chemo SUCKS!!!!!

Audrianna is having a very hard time with this chemo:( she is in alot of pain and really miserable. First day of chemo they couldnt get her pain meds right and she screamed for 8hours straight, hit me, kicked me, threw me out of her room and then screamed for me to come back uughh it was HORRIBLE! Today is day 2 of this nasty round of chemo and the day started out ok because they increased her meds but as the day went on the pain got worse and she got upset and miserable again and screamed at everyone to leave her alone when my family came to visit she threw them out of her room. Now she has finally screamed herself to sleep again:( This is the worst part, the part where i cant make it better, where nothing i do or say helps her past the pain and i feel so helpless and worthless,as her mom i should be able to make everything better BUT unfortunately i cant make cancer better no matter what i do:(I pray everyday for the strength just to get through to the next day and for her to fight this and get well, please god answer my prayers already!

Upcoming Hospital Stay

Tomorrow Audrianna goes back into the hospital for her next round of chemo Blah. I am hoping that this round wont be as bad as the last 3 were, but i know she will be on a pain pump and im just hoping this time it keeps her comfortable. Audrianna has been filling her days with fun things to do like she is afraid there wont be another day to do anything fun, which makes me worry so much that she knows something i dont but again it's prolly just me being a paranoid mom!!Yesterday she went to *That Bounce Place* In Edwardsville and had the best day just having fun with her sister and being a kid.Today we went to the italian festival in our public park and she got to ride the ponies and go in the jumpy house soooo she was thrilled to pieces and was very mad when it rained and she couldnt ride the ponies again lol typical kid.As her mom im trying so hard to stay positive and think she is beating this she is going to kick cancers ass BUT i am terrified of the new scans they are going to do in June when we come home from disney,if those scans give us bad news i dont know if ill be able to handle that, but again as her mom i'll have to handle it:( So everyone out there praying for Audrianna please pray that the new scans in June come back Clear, that the cancer hasnt spread or turned into live tumors because if it has then this fight gets so much harder yet again! Ok for now im going to try and be postive and happy and i'll keep everyone updated on here this week as to how she is doing with the chemo!

Audrianna's birthday

Audrianna had the best birthday ever...and thats a direct quote from the now 4yr old!~ She had an awesome time and if you could have seen her smile when *Hannah* came into the room, nothing else mattered! She forgot to be a sick kid today and she was just a beautiful little girl having the time of her life dancing and singing with her new best friend *Hannah Montana* Thank You So Much Gwen!!! And thank you to everyone from the Just like hannah Show!!!As her mom it's moments like these that are so rare and precious, days where all she does is smile and remember to be a kid, not a sick kid. I know that today is a memory that will stick with all of us forever, Audrianna and Kyra both got to sing the Best of Both worlds with there idol and The Climb, and mommy cried like a baby because they were both so happy. The look on Audri's face when she saw Hannah today was priceless and its a memory that will be with me when im old and grey and forgetting everything lol but i will never ever ever forget that look because it's the Happiest i have seen her since she was diagnosed with Cancer. We met alot of great people today,Anette and Her daughter from Aimee's Army came and it was wonderful to meet them and we hope to goto there walk against childhood cancer in september! Gwen and her mom and all the people from the Just Like Hannah Show who are all such amazing people. So many people that came out just to meet Audrianna i cant even keep them all straight in my head. There were lots of Old and New Friends.It was great to have Kelly's Uncle Henry and Aunt Holly there even though it was bittersweet because we all Miss Her so Much....Happy Birthday In heaven to Audrianna's Bff Forever!!!!! Thank You to Woody Wolfe for coming to sing and making this day even more Amazing because he was there. Kelsey, Lindsay and Erleen our wonderful friends from *clinic* thank You for coming out and Playing Princesses for Audrianna even though i know you didnt feel well Kelsey!!!Thanks to ALL the people from news 13(Kristen,Nikki,Christina,Bob)that came out and helped today and from Upside Down Town(Tracy,Liz,Pam) you all ROCK and we Love You. Thank You to Kristan and *Sweet Sensations Bakery* And all there wonderful friends that came to help and brought food and everything else that helped make the party a success. Thanks to Rainbow the clown for making all the kids happy. Thanks to Pony Paradise for coming and setting up the pony rides and the petting zoo and to DJ MIXX for Jamming out, and a Big Shout out to Chris and Linda for taking all the pictures,And Amy from LcCreations for Making our Wonderful Team Audrianna Tshirts, omg i hope i covered everyone!!!!!! Oh wait no i didnt, Thank You to Caroline and Dave Dohrman for coming out to celebrate even though i know it had to be rough for them to be there, we LOVE YOU!!Thank You Dr.Tom and Laura for coming out she loved having you there.And Thank You to ALL of my WONDERFUL FAMILY MEMBERS AND BEST FRIENDS that came today and helped Make this day so special for Audrianna. I LOVE YOU MOM, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!! Ok now i am also going to say thank you to everyone lol there incase i missed anyone that EVERYONE covers it. We love you all so much and Audrianna's Day was perfect because you were all there to share it with her.My Wish is that we will all be able to share it next year. Goodnight everyone and to all the Mom's out there, Happy Mothers Day!!

Knoebels

Audrianna went to knoebels with her Grandparents today and she had the best time! AWhen she got home she told me she rode the roller coaster with Poppy and she had her hands in the Air lol and poppy yelled but she didnt, hehe gotta love a 3yr old. She also went on the train which is one of her favorites and she did the cars and the whip with her uncles. Audri doesnt care for the slow rides she is a daredevil and likes to go on the fast/scary thrill rides, i think its because since she has had cancer nothing else is as scary as what she goes through everyday. It is now 12:30 and she just made her dad take her to mcdonalds because she is to hungry to sleep and wanted a chicken sandwich lol between McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken we are going to go broke feeding her!!!!!! I am just happy she eats and i dont care if i have to spend every last dime to give her *the fat belly* she wants. She told her doctors she needed to get a Big butt and a Fat belly so her pants stop falling off! I think by the time she comes back she will be asleep in the car and will have to eat her chicken sandwich tomorrow:) Ok im gonna post more tomorrow before we goto the hospital. night all

Very LonG Week

Well we are home after a very long week and of course Audrianna didnt sleep all night because she is still on hospital time!Mommy is very tired and audri is awake and as soon as she opened her eyes she asked to go with her Poppy for the day so YAY mommy gets a bit of a break but i still have to go pick kyra up from Nana's house so i can spend the day with her.Today is our one full day home and then Sunday night we go back to the hospital to be checked in for ALL OF NEXT WEEK again for the 2nd round of this chemo. Next week is going to be very hard since Audrianna is going to get 2 chemos at the same time and the one makes her very sick and she will have to be hooked up to a pain pump the whole time to keep her comfortable.I am not looking forward to next week, watching her suffer really is the worst part of all of this. I am glad she went with her poppy today, he took her to Knoebels Amusement Park so she can ride the rides and be a kid for the day since its opening day! It's all she has been talking about for a month and i thought we were taking her but since she hasnt seen her grandparents all week she wanted to go with them and i let her so i could get laundry done to go back to the hospital and i could spend some alone time with her sister. Ok off to shower and go pick-up kyra!!!!!

Pain Ouch Pain!

Audrianna is having some pain this hospital stay but not from the chemo, from the fluid retention that made the groinal hernia pop out again!!So they are treating her with Dylaudid and having a surgeon come look tomorrow to make sure its not time for surgery ughh. Mommy is in pain to because Audrianna had a top heavy IV Pole and when i was pushing it the stupid thing fell over and i had to try and catch it before she got hurt.SOOOOOO lets just say my arm is throbbing and it feels like i pulled something out of place in my shoulder and my leg is black and blue where it hit me:(
It's always something in this place and well MOMMY is CLUMSY lol so i guess i need to be more careful before i end up in the bed next to audrianna. Sigh and mommy is mad because the people at T-Mobile are IDIOTS and couldnt help me fix my phone so i cant dial out on my modem and i cant get on facebook where i can at least talk to people to try and save some of my sanity each day,sigh. If the bitching and venting on here gets to much i appologize in advance but well i dont have anywhere else to vent to. Audrianna is finally sleeping peacefully so i guess i should go get some sleep since its the first night of our stay that she has been asleep before 4am and i am so exhausted but my brain is on over-ride and wont shutoff because im over-tired:( Oh well off to try and shut off my brain....Night All