May Used to be a Month Filled with Joy

Hi Baby....So its May again, this used to be my favorite month because it was the Month god gave you to me....Now I sit here and cry because in 5 days you would have turned 8 and its going to be our 2nd birthday without you....Does this sound selfish maybe but I hate the month of May now because your not here to celebrate your birthday with us and we don't get to watch you grow...I never get to help you pick our your prom dress or your wedding dress...I never get to talk to you about your boyfriends and kissing boys which by the way your smartie pants sister says she should be allowed to do once she is a teenager and I have told her she may not kiss a boy till she is married and she cannot be married till she is at least 40!!!!!!!!! I hate that you will never be here to wish me another Happy Mothers Day which is ALSO in the month of May...you were born 4 days before mothers day 2006 and you were my special mothers day present....even though I have your beautiful sister who I love with all my heart and I know she will be here for Mothers day and I get to hear her say she loves me and hug me and I am so thankfull for that, it doesn't mean that Mothers Day doesn't rip my heart out because I can NEVER hear you say those words to me again.....Some days are just so much harder then others and no matter how I try to smile through them I just cant baby im sorry im trying so damn hard...I had a meltdown the other day over a damn box of trix because they were your favorite and when I poured them for Kyra all I could remember was your last few days in the hospital before you died, all you ate was trix...5 pieces per spoon, no more no less or we would get yelled at!!!!! After I took your sister to school I went home and cried for the rest of the day over those damn Trix......Today was horrible I went to pick up your Christening Gown from the Cleaners because I Promised Gwen she could use it for her baby(ONLY Because I knew this was something You would want me to do or id never let it out of the damn house because its a piece of you that im so afraid of losing) and when I left the drycleaners I couldn't stop crying like a crazy person...I drove to The Painted Lady's House haha you always called her that, knowing she was prolly busy making someone look fabulous and thankfully Jon was there to talk me off the ledge a bit ...then I called Aunt Dari and cried some more before I came home, collapsed in a heap and cried it out and now im here telling you how horrific days like this are for me...I think im getting through it and yes that's all it is...Getting through, not living not dying, just getting though because honestly I already feel dead sometimes, like I walk around in this fog that is now my life and occasionally it lifts and I have a nice day....sometimes I feel like im going crazy and then I realize no im just grieving and we all do it differently......I fill my days with as much activity as I can so that I cant think...so many that I overlap stuff without realizing it because apparently I need a secretary ugh I signed Kyra up to goto a camp called Camp Courage which is for kids who have lost someone close in there lives like a sister, brother, mom,dad whatever and then I realize it might be the same weekend as Gwen's Baby shower but im not sure and ill find out on Monday sigh and this weekend I signed up to do a suicide prevention walk with Aunt Karen at the same time im supposed to be in Wilkes-Barre at Michell's Baby Shower , all because when I sit and im inactive I lose my mind...the voice in my head drive me nuts if I slow down enough to listen to them...the what if's...what I had done this different or what if I had done that, all the days of your treatments all the fears all the decisions I had to make alone(because your dad was no help) all those things go round and round in my head till I feel like a walking basket case...but im smiling on the outside so nobody knows that im dying on the inside....My *Friends* have mostly all just gone away and stopped talking to me because none of them can *handle my pain* because they have moved on with there lives and I cant(or at least that's who I see it)....I wonder every day how im not a drunk or druggie taking something to numb my mind and ease the pain would be the easy way out I guess and believe me sometimes I want to take that easy way but then I say you cant do that You Have Kyra and she has to get up for school in the morning what the hell good are you to her if your strung out...and I take that to an extreme to like I wont even have a glass of Wine on a night I know she has school the next day because im such a bad drinker I know it will gimme a headache that will make me not want to deal with my 6yr old and that's not fair to her....so instead I sit here and write down all my crazy stuff to you and get it out so I don't let I eat me alive anymore then it already is.....I love you baby but I have to go get sissy from school so ill talk to you soon xoxoxoxo

Loss and how it affects people

I know its been a while since I wrote to you on here but I have been trying not to live so much inside my head because I felt like I was going crazy.*Normal People* as I now refer to everyone who hasn't suffered the devastating loss of a child, just do not understand exactly how crazy you feel and how often you think of dying after watching your child die in your arms. Everyone deals with death differently and some people are just stronger then others, I have thought about dying and joining you so many times since the last time I held you in my arms, but then I look at your sister and I think she needs me how could I ever do that and what would that do to her psyche, how could she live with that for the rest of her life and then I cry myself to sleep and wake up the next day look at her smiling face and put on my brave face and go on FOR HER. But just because I can do that doesn't mean everyone can, the childhood cancer community is NEVER one that any parent would choose to become a part of, we are all thrown into it and then we put on our brave faces and we deal with it because our babies need us...BUT some of us just aren't strong enough to live with that and some of us give into the voices in our heads and decide to join our babies again no matter who we leave behind or how it will affect them...I do not judge the ones who cant be strong and who choose to join there children again on the other side but I do feel so much pain for the loved ones, the children, the wives, the husbands,the mothers, the faters,the brothers and sister who are left to ask Why, why couldn't they go on....its the same Why we all ask when our babies get cancer, why our families,why our kids, just fucking why.......and then there are the what if's, what if I had done something different, what if I had been there for them more, what if I had called someone....but the what if's can make you crazy and that goes back to the voices in our heads the ones that if we listen to we give in and join all the others before us that have given into the darkness.....So for all my friends and family out there suffering with loss and pain please fight the voice in your head so that you don't leave the people you love behind wondering why and what could I have done to save them....reach out to someone anyone and let them help you, or turn to a blog like this and write down your thoughts because that's what has helped me...even if nobody else ever reads these words at least I know they are here and im telling the voices in my head to goto hell that im stonger then they are and I will survive for my other child and I will go on till one day my beautiful Audrianna and I will meet again on the other side where I know she will be waiting for me with a smile on her face and an I love you mommy on her lips.

9mnths without you and the Holidays are here

Hi Baby...today was a very emotional day for mommy...Sissy and I spent the day with Nana and Poppa John and we watched all 3 of the shrek movies which you simply loved and Kyra did too but she was so little that today it was like she was watching them all again for the first time and she laughed and giggled and made new memories while I was lost in my memories of you...I remember how when you were a baby you hated your car seat but if I put Shrek on and let you sit in front of the tv you would be sooooo quiet well until shrek went off the screen and then you would scream, you loved the big ogre so much that there were times I had to pause the tv with his face looking out at you just so I could wash dishes without you crying....you loved shrek so much that when we went to Disney on your make-a-wish and you were about a 1/2 inch to short to ride the shrek ride at universal studios you told the guy that they say shrek is a mean ogre but he isnt YOU are and your mean.. because he wouldn't let you ride....you loved Shrek so Much that Emalee Kachurkas Dad Todd Let you paint his nails green at the hospital and he did yours so he could be shrek and you could be Fiona and then he had to work all day like that and you kept having him paged to your room so you could make sure he still had it on lol ....these are all memories I have of you loving that big green ogre...you wanted to grow up and be Fiona so you could marry shrek......Sigh I just wish you had grown up....Then Sissy and I went home and the night of Nostalgia continued with How the Grinch Stole Christmas one of your other favorite green men, you Loved that he had such a tiny heart until Cyndi Lou Who made him feel and then his heart grew 3 sizes to big, you used to laugh like crazy when he turned his poor dog into a reindeer to steal everyones toys and dinner....tonight Kyra asked why the Grinch was so Mean and I said because he never knew Love until he met Cyndi Lou Who and we talked about how sad it would be not to be loved and she hugged me and said like we loved Audri right mom and that's why she will always be with us and I said yes baby just like that....Then to finish the night and Bring on the Holidays because you can NEVER have thanksgiving without The Wizard of Oz(I had to laugh at your sister because again she knows you loved the movie but couldn't really remember it so the first thing she asked was Mom why is it in black and white and when does it turn to Color) When Dorothy started singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Kyra and I Joined in because that was one of Your favorite songs and a memory of you we will always have....When You were a baby I had to sing that to you over and over just to get you to stop crying and the Second verse id change the words to Somewhere over the rainbows Bluebirds fly, Why oh why cant Audri fly like the bluebirds fly...I know your flying and singing with the bluebirds now baby....but it doesn't make it any better or hurt any less....Thanksgiving is in 4days and its our first without you, I don't know how im going to get through the whole day without hearing your giggle,seeing your smile or listening to you grump is anyone offered you gravy...But for your sissy I will smile and make memories without you even though im dying inside,because she is still here and we all have to be brave and smile for her no matter how big a hole there will be at our table this year and ever year after.....Kyra is already talking and excited about putting up the tree after thanksgiving and all I want to do is cry because I cant even comprehend having a tree without you, who is gonna hang your ornaments...I don't know if I can...and im not sure id trust anyone else to do it...that was your favorite part even last year when you were so sick all you wanted to do was hang your ornaments on the tree and put tinkerbell on top because you loved watching her wings light up.....I know your with the angel's and you have so many friends with you like Hudson,tanner,karson,emily,ashley,kelly,aimee,kayla,mercedes,marilla and so many more and that all of you will be celebrating together but it doesn't mean that any of us mommies or daddies on earth will miss you any less and we would all give anything to have your back, just one more kiss,hug and whispered I love you, one more Christmas of memories....I would trade my life for yours just so you and your sister could make those memories together if I could.....Last Christmas you sat in the recliner like the queen of the castle that you were and watched everyone else open presents...you wouldn't open anything till we all opened ours and I recorded you saying that daddy should get a truck full of coal because he was always grumpy and mean....that video means the world to me because on Christmas when I miss you I can watch you say that and part of you will be there sitting in the recliner watching us....I know you will send me strength and help me get through these days to come for your sister so im not a blubbering mass laying in bed under the covers when she needs me...I can hear you saying mommy get up santa came and Kyra wants to open her presents and yelling at me if I move to slow because you never wanted to wait for anythingggggggggggggggggg ever!!!!!!!.............................................................Audri I know you were there to meet Kayla with Open Arms when she came to Heaven and im happy you 2 are together to take care of each other....At Kayla's Memorial one of my friends told me to read a poem called the Dash and a Line from that Poem just jumps out at me and yells yours and Kayla's name so here it is..........*It's not the date you were born, or the date you died, that really matters. It's "the dash" between those years and what you do with it that does.* Both of you lived so much During Your Dash and made everyone who loved you proud....You may have only had 6 1/12 years in YOUR DASH but baby You Lived to the fullest in that time and Your My Hero....And Kayla may have only had 21yrs but she lived hers to the fullest and she is also one of my hero's and I am so glad my 2 hero's are together now......I am going to make you proud of me and live MY DASH to the Fullest even if sometimes I have a hard time getting moving.....I Love You Baby!!!!!!!!

Week of the Bloomsburg Fair

Hi Baby...So its been a pretty rough week for Mommy...I have been watching all the pictures people post from the Fair and all I do is cry..Last year at this time You were here and Living your Life to the fullest...we went to the fair almost everyday...You did all the things you wanted to do... You Rode the Bull at least 20 times, You Climed the rock wall over and over determined to get to the top and you almost made it , you were so proud of yourself and I was so proud of you...You rode the helicopter with everyone and you smiled and laughed at mommy because I was scared and you loved it....I haven't been able to bring myself to go because its not gonna be the same without you....YOU LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE FAIR...the noise, the food,the rides, the people....and everyone who met you of course loved you....Miss Wanda gave you that Harley Davidson Jacket and Hat and you wore it EVERYWHERE because you wanted to grow up and ride motorcycles like all the people in your life that you loved...I have cried almost as much this week as I did when you died...All these first things without you are horrible and I hurt so bad it seems like it will never stop....Pretty soon its going to be Halloween,Thanksgiving,Christmas and we have to do all that without you.....We were robbed of your life, I will never get to see you fall in love,Kiss a boy other then Logan, Get Married, Become the a doctor like you wanted....Kyra wont have you there to teach her all the things big sisters are supposed to teach there lil sisters and everyday that just gets worse,the pain sucks....I haven't gotten out of bed much this week..i get Kyra off to school and I just lay back in bed till its time to go get her, I don't leave the house unless I need to do something for your sister why bother there is nothing to do...so I just lay in bed and cry until I have to be MOM and its killing me because I Miss you, I Miss your voice, your touch, your snuggles, your I love You Mommy's and I just cant stop waiting to wake up from this horrible dream and have you walk in the door from being with Nana or Poppy and yell Mommy im home...I know rationally that will never happen because I look at your Urn with you in it everyday but My heart isn't rational and I want you back so bad....FUCKING CANCER ROBBED YOU FROM US AND I WANT YOU BACK!!!!!!!!!! I want to be at the Fair with you pulling you in your wagon while the crazy castle balllon you got which was bigger then you keeps smacking people as we walk, I want you to be climbing that damn rock wall and jumping on the trampoline...I want all the time back that we were supposed to get and im so angry and sad that no matter how much I want it, it will never happen......NOBODY comes to see me or Kyra....we are forgotten now by most because your not with us...that's how Kyra feels and most days honestly that's who I feel...I know most people cant handle my grief so they stay away and they all have there lives to live...but we are stuck and cant move forward....we have Nana and Poppa John always and we know that even if I do push them away a lot because I just cant deal wih all the pain im havin a hard enough time with mine and kyras....But I told someone close to me today whose family member just lost a child...don't ask them if they need you to be there, just go, show up and push your way in because even if they don't say it, they need you...and honestly its true...I will NEVER ask someone to come here or to take me somewhere,i will never ask someone for help but I wouldn't refuse a Hug or a phone call if someone showed up either....I am trying to hold on baby and do all the things you wanted I honestly am but some days/weeks are just harder then others and the smallest things set me off...it could be a smell that reminds me of you, a picture of you and aunt dari just had me freak out....Putting your clothes in bags to give away was the worst because everytime I gave something away I felt like I lost another piece of you and im not sure how many more pieces I can lose without losing my mind.....I pray to the universe everynight that your safe and happy now where your at...BUT I will NEVER believe that your in a better place because the best place for your is in my arms and your not there.....I Love You Baby and miss you with all that I am xoxoxoxo hope your climbing that rock wall in heaven and making it to the top everytime!!!!!!!!!

7 months of hell on earth

Hi Baby...its been 7 months since you fought your last battle and went on to fight for others....We ALL Miss You So much it hurts and what NOBODY understands is that it wasn't just YOU that we lost, we lost Our Hospital Family too, we lost the people that we came to love over the 4yrs...the kids, the nurses that kept mommy sane, the doctors we loved...ALL of them gone the minute you took your last breathe......it feels like I have to start all over....I wake up in the middles of the night and want to walk out of my room and talk to KJ who always gave it to me straight no matter...I want to wake up and walk out and see Mel,Robbi, Jason, Tom,Joe,Laura,Kymmie,Deb,Donnna,Juanita,Sevasty,Bonnie,Kendra,Amy,Mel Mel, and so many others that were always there when Mommy needed someone to talk to and who ALWAYS Treated You like a princess and NEVER treated you like a number....I can still hear that nurse in CHOP asking you what hospital you liked better, yours or theres and you said I Like MY Hospital better the Nurses are Nicer....And it was true because at CHOP you were a casenumber and at Danville You were a Child with a name and your name was Audrianna or as you told the surgical nurse one time when she asked your name PRINCESS DIEGO MUFFIN HEAD lol you told her you were going to marry Diego someday...so that's the name she wrote on your chart!!!!!!! You always made people smile no matter what, even when you were scared or in the worst pain of your life you had the ability to make other people laugh or smile.....I know when people read this they will think im crazy BUT I miss the ride to Danville with you...that's how we learned all the words to Puff The Magic Dragon together after poppa john put it on repeat on a disk for you and it played exactly 18 times each way...I know every word to this day because it was your favorite song from the first time Woody Wolfe sang it for you...I Miss the clinic nurses...Barbie,Deb,Becky they always made you feel loved and you loved your Barbie so much she is/was a wonderful person and loved you with her whole heart....I miss being admitted with you even though it drove us both crazy most of the time BUT it also made us so much closer because all we had was each other...I miss not knowing how the other babies/Kids we met along the way are doing...I follow some of them on facebook and I jump for joy when they are ok and I cry when they aren't...Hannah just had her last chemo and is getting her port out and I am so thrilled for her but god I wish you were there to celebrate with her...I heard the hospital has tye-dye gold t-shirts with a gold ribbon this year for September...do you remember how hard Mommy pushed for that last year? How loud I yelled about the pink ones they were selling in September for breast cancer and how they should have waited till oct and done gold for the kids? Well I guess either someone listened to me or someone else had the same idea but who cares it is happening they listened but im pissed off that neither of us are there to see it.....I miss taking you to the turle fountain and letting you toss pennies in and then taking you to see Miss Kathy in the gift shop...remember how we did our Christmas shopping there last year baby....NOTHING is the same now...your gone and so is all of that and Mommy Hurts so bad and doesn't know how to Move Forward with this Different life now...I don't cry where Kyra can see me because I don't want her to hurt or to see me hurting But I cry every night once she is asleep...I sleep with Your Bunny, Your Audrianna doll Aunt Dena gave you and Your Bald American Girl doll you named Hannah Who looks like you with her blue eyes,her hearing aides and dressed in her Princess Jazmine outfit you picked out for her....those are all I have left of you other then ashes and memories....I take Kyra to school everyday and watch her goto class in Your old classroom that You Loved so much but didn't get to spend a lot of time in and it kills me that your not there because you loved school so much...I don't know how to go back to being Normal as people put it to me...Normal is You here with us, Normal is you riding your bike and your sister running behind you because she hates pushing the peddles on her bike, normal is you laughin and playing till you couldn't anymore and then asking for meds at bed cause you over did it and hurt yourself but you never wanted to miss a minute of being NORMAL.....Aunt Dari came to visit a we went to Amiee's Walk together and let me tell you it didn't feel normal, I felt like an outsider, like without you I didn't belong there...even having Aunt Dari here and feeling her love didn't feel normal it felt like we were going through the paces because we loved you so much and now you weren't here...Gwen wants to come visit and I love her and her family but I don't know how that's gonna go either, You and Kyra were always the ones that made her and Alana and Kathy smile...I was just the Mom...now it will just be Kyra alone and I don't know how normal that's gonna be for any of us...we want to see them we miss them and they miss us...im just not sure if any of us are gonna be able to smile through this first big visit without you..Every first is Horrible, I smile and nod and act ok but im not...im always dying inside and pretending...I have been pretending for 7 months and it doesn't get better...I know everyone wants me to be better, they want me to be happy and start moving forward and god im trying baby but its not the same...Nana and I don't talk much anymore and I know its my fault I pushed her away..she has always been my mom and my best friend but when you died I lost it and so did she, we couldn't handle each others grief....And I still cant...I don't know how to talk to her anymore, I don't know how to just be with her like before,we have grown so far apart and I don't know how to get us back...I Love her she is my mom and has always been my rock.....BUT I feel like I cant tell her things anymore because she judges me and makes me feel bad and I know that's probably all in my head but its how I feel...Please help me get through this baby I need her back.....ALMOST as bad as I need you back :( ....I would do anything just to hold you in my arms one more time and hear you say I Love You Mommy and so I could say I love You Audrianna........

19 weeks and no relief from pain in sight

Hi Baby....I cant believe its been 19weeks since you went to play with the angel's...these have been the hardest weeks of my life....nothing seems right without you here, everything is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it...it feels like a roller coaster ride that will never end...most days I can get through with the fake smile and telling everyone im ok even when im not...most people wont question it because they really don't want to know so the Im Ok response works....my emotions are all over the place and I am so lost without you...I smile and take care of sissy because she needs me and most days I can make it through without falling apart but then somedays like today I just cant....I decided it was time to finish going through your clothes today and work on going through your toys and getting things ready to be donated to other kids who can use these things...I knew it would be hard but I didn't think it would be devastating...everytime I touched a toy that you loved my heart would break because you were never going to hold it again...so many of your Favorite stuffed animals that still had the hospital wristbands with your name and medical record number around there necks as collars so if we left them in the hospital someone would know who it belong to...everytime I picked one of them up I would remember where or how you got it and how long you cuddled with it and my heart hurt so bad knowing you didn't have any of them to cuddle with now.....And your beautiful clothes that your never gonna wear again...the tutu we made in the hospital with Miss Samantha...some of the things I just cant part with...It hurts to much to think of someone else playing with it or wearing it....so I kept a big bag of stuff, bigger then id normally keep because well we all know daddy is the hoarder and mommy is the thrower away-er....but not today, today I hoarded all your memories into a bag and cried because that's all I have left of you...a gooddamn bag full of stuff and an Urn full of ashes and it is so fucking unfair, you should be here with us, swimming with your sister...who by the way you would be so proud of because she learned to go underwater!!!!!!!!!!! You should be sitting in your butterfly garden watching the butterflies like we were today, You should be getting excited to see your cousins on Monday and dammit your not here for any of these things and it's just not right...no Mom or Dad should EVER outlive there baby....It is the most devastating thing ever....I know why Grandma Gerry was never the same after uncle jimmy was hit by the drunk driver now, I know her pain and it SUCKS...the only thing that gets me through most days is the HOPE that your ok, the thought that your pain is gone now and the dream of seeing you again one day...I love You Baby

3 months and it seems like yesterday

It's been a little over 3 months since you are gone baby and for all of us it still seems like yesterday...we are all trying so hard to smile and be happy like we know you would want us to be but it is so goddamn hard...Kyra misses you so much and she cries almost everynight about how she misses her sissy and wishes god would give you back, she doesn't understand that can never happen..that you are an angel now and there is no way for you to come back...hell I don't understand why this had to happen and im an adult...so I know how hard this must be for a 5yr old..i called a therapist today and left a message hoping that I can get Kyra in to see her and well me too because my heart cant take much more, Tonight Kyra had a major meltdown and cried forever telling me how much she misses you and that you were the best sister in the world, how you were always there for her and protected her when other kids were mean to her, how you never let anyone pick on her or push her around because she was your baby sister and she misses that, she misses your hugs and your smile even when you were grumpy, I wish I could make this better for her so bad, I wish I could pull a magical miracle out of my pocket and bring you back for her...god baby if there was a way that I could trade places with you I would,if there was a way that I could beg the universe to return you and take me in your place I would do it in a heartbeat..i asked so many times when you were alive to let the cancer take me instead of you and let you live, id have sold my soul to the devil to make that happen because you deserved a chance to live dammit, you deserved a chance to grow up, goto prom, get married, have babies,all the things I see my others friends kids doing right now and it just breaks my heart over and over that ill never see you do those things BUT I swear to you I will make sure Kyra does all of them and she never feels left out...I have been trying to stay off facebook and the computer as much as I can because I cant handle watching anymore of your friends/kids we have grown to love die from this damn disease or any other for that matter YET it doesn't stop it from happening...Bella is home on hospice and doesn't have long before she will be needing you to wait at the gates for her baby and take her hand and show her around...and there are so many others,sigh...everytime one of them hurts or dies its like losing you all over again and some people say I shouldn't get attached to these kids and I should back away and hide my heart but then who will fight to make sure people know that all of you need help??? I need to fight to make you proud of me and to help the ones that are still here....we are working so hard on your garden,the dedication of it and the memorial bike run in your name so that we can raise money and get your Foundation up and running to help other kids, I tye-dyed the bench we got because I knew you would love the pretty colors I know your looking down from heaven smiling. Please send mommy and sissy some warrior strength baby we really need it right now and can you please send Nana some and whisper in her ear that your all right because I think she needs it a lot......the world just hasn't been the same since you left it baby...the song that goes through my head everytime I think of you is THERE AINT NO SUNSHINE SINCE SHE'S GONE and that's what it feels like, that the day you died all the sunshine went out of our worlds..Tonight I sang your favorite songs to Kyra to try and get her to sleep...it was so hard for me to sing puff the magic dragon to her because that was always your song but she wanted to hear it so I sang..But instead of lil Jackie paper she made me change the words to lil audri paper...so now it's her song with You.....then I sang hush lil baby to her because that was always a favorite to both of you and she cried because at the end I sang and you will always be the cutest lil Kyra in town and she said remember when you always used to sing and audri and Kyra will always be the cutest lil girls in town and when I said yes she cried more and said I wish we were still together in the song mommy...so I sang it again and put both of you back in the song and that's when she finally went to sleep...I hope she is dreaming of you and that your giving her beautiful dreams to hold onto baby....Love always Mommy