Hardest Conversation Ever

Tonight i had to have the hardest conversation of my life with a 3yr old and a 5yr old. Tonight i sat both girls down and explained to them that Audrianna was either going to have surgery or start chemo next week and that Kyra wouldnt be able to stay at the hospital with us. Audrianna wanted to know if it was going to be Good Chemo(one that doesnt make her hair fall out) or Bad Chemo(one that makes her lose her hair again) And Kyra wanted to know why she couldnt get Chemo to so she could be with her sister-:( Audrianna and I both tried to explain to Kyra she didnt want to have to get chemo because its Yucky and makes you sick, but all Kyra cared about was that if she got chemo too she wouldnt have to be seperated from Audrianna-:( And then when i told her she could come to the hospital as much as possible to visit and we could go on webcam everynight she cried and cried im gonna miss my sister,over and over. My heart is Broken in a thousand pieces right now....Audrianna is 5 and was hugging her sister and reassuring her they were never gonna be apart long and she would always love her sister and come home after chemo!!!!!!!!! Kyra is 3 and couldnt understand why she cant sleep in audrianna's room at the hospital and make her sister feel better.
Im 39 and i dont understand why this is happening sooooo i can imagine how hard it was for my 3yr old to understand....I HATE CANCER,GODDAMMIT WHY CANT IT LEAVE MY BABIES ALONE!!!!!!!!! I have never been more sad or angry in my life. I am so tired of being scared and i know audrianna is too and now Kyra who was to small the first time has to live with that Fear and Sadness too. I really wish i would wake up and this would have all been a bad dream.....but if wishes were rainbows right?

I wish people understood my choices

I sit here crying and wondering why i always feel so alone, why cant people understand the choices i make in my life arent only for me?? My husband and i are mostly estranged because cancer sucks and has torn our family apart. Everyone wants to know WHY wont i throw him out since we fight and he isnt really an active part of our life...the answer is WE HAVE CHILDREN AND ONE OF THEM HAS CANCER!!!!! I will not Tear My Kids Life apart worse then it already is just because me and there dad cant always get along. There Father Loves them even if he doesnt always know how to show it and even if he lives in his own bubble and wont admit that Audrianna is sick and may die..but thats his way of dealing with this horrible fucking disease thats tearing our family apart.
I am so tired of the people i love the most looking down on me because they feel i should be stronger and just tell him get out and go away...what they dont realize is i am being VERY STRONG by not telling him to get out and go away, i am being as strong as i can to keep my kids happy and i wish with all i have that people would respect and understand that.
Jim is not a bad person,he has a good heart, he just doesnt show it and lives in a different world then i do now that audrianna is sick...i dont hate him as a person i never could we have been together 20yrs. I hate that i feel like he has left me to fight this battle with our child alone, i hate that he cant deal and i have to make all the choices and decisions...i hate ALL THOSE THINGS but i dont hate him. Just because we arent the same people we were 20yrs ago or even 2yrs ago when Audrianna was diagnosed doesnt mean we dont still Love and care fo each other it just means the Love has changed and that this disease is Killing it slowly piece by piece no matter how hard we try not to let it.
Cancer doesnt just affect the person that has it, Cancer affects the whole family, your friends,everyone around you and sometimes even if you beat the cancers affect on the body, the cancer still wins because it tears apart the family and the friends you thought would always be there.
Im sitting here right now listening to my girls fight over CRAYONS of all things and to most moms the yelling and screaming that is coming from my living room would make them crazy, to me its the most beautiful Noise in the world. I have friends that cant understand why it doesnt bother me if Kyra pulls audrianna's hair or vice versa, or they beat each other up, why doesnt it make me crazy and yell? Because TOMORROW they might not be able to do that so SCREW IT let them fight,cry,make a mess and tear things apart TODAY because they can and they can do it TOGETHER.Right now all i care about is that Audrianna can still Yell and be a Kid even if it means beating up her sister or her cousin.
One thing Cancer has taught me is that you have to live for today and stop sweating the small stuff...who cares if the house is a mess, or the kids are fighting and beating each other up...as long as your all together when it happens??

Tomorrow is Scan Day

As i sit here tonight watching my 2 beautiful little girls sleep all i can think is please please please let the scan come back normal...please please please dont make me have to tell them any bad news, please let them continue to be children not Small Adults, which is what kids with cancer and there siblings become. I think every adult in my family is terrified of tomorrow, terrified this scan will show relapse and we dont know how to deal with that...But we are also trying with all we have to be POSITIVE and say she is NOT RELAPSING she is so tough and she has already beaten this so there is no way in hell this scan will come back bad.I think the worst part of the scan is the wait to find out the results, the waiting is enough to make you crazy and your hair turn grey overnight. I ask that anyone reading this says a special prayer to god/the universe/the goddess...anything you believe in and ask them to please let Audrianna still be N.E.D. and not have to suffer anymore!!!!!!
On a Postive note after her scan we are going to act like nothing happened for a bit and get in the family car and drive to Columbus Ohio so the girls can participate in a Fashion show Hosted by Nellie's Catwalk for Kids, they are going to be Models and they are super excited. I have always said i would NEVER stop Audrianna from doing anything she wanted to do incase there were no tomorrows, so even though we have the scan results hanging over our heads we are still going to let her be the best Model she can Be<3 Thank You Nellie for Making this trip possible and sponsoring our family so that we were able to travel to Ohio and be a part of this!!!!!
Goodnight everyone, dont forget those special prayers tonight<3

Scared, Depressed and Trying to Smile

Ever since i talked to the doctor on wednesday i have been living in a constant state of fear and worry,wondering if Audrianna has relapsed.Both Audrianna and Kyra have been sick since friday and i am praying with all that i have that the spot they saw on the CT is an Infection due to this wonderful summertime cold...BUT that's the logical side of me, the Terrified Cancer Mom side of me hasnt been able to be that optimistic and is still just putting on the Fake Smile for everyone to get through the days. Now with Audrianna being sick and having a Cough im afraid they are going to be rescheduling her Scan due to the fact they wont sedate her if she is sick and then we have to wait LONGER and the Waiting is the worst part....the Not Knowing is worse then the Knowing. Once you know the results one way or another then you can move on and figure out a plan from there,you can handle whatever they tell you even the bad stuff because you have to...but the waiting uuughh the waiting can make you feel like your suffocating/drowining and never gonna come back up for air until you get that phone call that tells you one way or another...relapse or clear scan!!!!!
I tried to take a break from the worry this weekend and we spent the weekend with Great Friends...Gwen,Alana and Kathy came in from NY and we had some retail therapy and lots of swimming even though the girls werent feeling the best. I just want to say Thank You to all of them for helping me Smile through this weekend and giving me and the girls a great time and lots of love.....xoxooxx
But now the weekend is over, everyone has gone home and its just me alone with my thoughts again.I had such a meltdown earlier i was yelling at everyone for no reason and i hope they will forgive me but i had to let some of this anger out before i just burn up. I even locked myself in the kitchen and threw things at the wall and one of them was my New Nonstick Frying Pan which i Dented the whole side of and then sat on the floor and cried because i broke it uughh the emotions go from mad, to sad, to happy to i dont give a fuck in 5 seconds flat and i cant stop them.I probably wont be able to reign it all in until i know the results of her MIBG Scan and you know what...THAT SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS....NO Parent should have to worry every second of every day if there child is going to die, no parent should have to bury there child, no parent should have to hear the words your child has cancer, or there is nothing else we can do so take your child home and make them comfortable uuughhh I HATE CANCER, I HATE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO FUNDING FOR PEDS CANCER AND OUR KIDS SUFFER EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!
I am so angry right now that most of the time i feel like im living in a red haze but its just like when she was first diagnosed, if i let go of the anger which is holding me up, i feel like i'll fall down and never get up and thats not what she needs, she needs me to be strong for her.So right now i am staying angry to stay strong and for some of you that's going to sound CRAZY and to some of you thats going to sound completely normal and you'll understand what i mean.
Please keep praying for All of Us that we can handle this pressure and get through this and that she stays N.E.D. and that damn spot on the CT was Nothing because i dont know how to explain to my 3yr and 5yr old that my 5yr old has cancer again and they will once again be seperated while audrianna suffers in pain and that there might be a chance they could be seperated forever-:(

Ct Scan

Audrianna had a CT Scan on Tuesday the 19th and today the 20th her doctor called me with the results. ANY Cancer parent knows you never get GOOD results withing 24hrs, i knew as soon as the hospitals number came up that something was wrong and i was right...Her Doctors saw a spot/nodule on the scan and were worried enough to push her to the top of the list and get an MIBG Scan setup for thursday the 28th BEFORE they called me. I am terrified of relapse, there is no known cure for relapsed neuroblastoma and the fight is even harder and my god im not sure she can handle a harder fight then the last one!!!!I am walking around in an emotional haze right now, all i can think is my baby looks great, she has gained weight, has a tan,been being a normal healthy kid for almost a year while she was N.E.D. and now they think its back omg how do i tell her she has to go through this again?? How do i tell her she has to get another broviac, has to have more chemo, has to spend time away from her sister aka her best friend...how do i explain any of this to a 5yr old when i cant even comprehend it?? I am a basket case right now and i refuse to tell her anything till we get the results of the MIBG and if she has relapsed i will do what i did last time and sit my baby down and tell her she has cancer and its back and expalin all the treatments step by step and ill do it all calmly with lots of hugs and smiles while im dying inside. I will put on my brave fake smile and make sure she is OK and her sister is Ok and hope to god the Happy Pills the doctor gave me work enough to keep that fake smile in place through all of thise!!!! I am hoping with all that i have in me that there was a shadow on the scan, or she has some type of viral infection making her lymphnodes become enlarged or anything other then relapse dammit and do you know how messed up it is that ANY PARENT has to WISH for infection rather then cancer?? Bangs Head off Desk....FUCK YOU CANCER, LEAVE MY FRIENDS AND MY BABY ALONE!!!!!! I WISH CANCER WOULD GET CANCER AND DIE!!!!!!!!!

Roller Coaster Of a Life

I know i havent written in a while but its been a very long roller coaster ride around here.My Husband lost his job again,my job ended in april and things have just been crazy around here. I thought once the chemo was done and Audrianna wasnt inpatient in the hospital all the time it would start to calm down around here but man was i wrong.People think that once your child is N.E.D.(no evidence of disease)that means your child is cured and nothing else is wrong with them and believe me I WISH THAT WAS TRUE!!! Audrianna is off chemo now and she is doing well but there are alot of other issues we are dealing with now like her hearing loss,the drop foot in her legs,the air space disease in her lungs and the biggest one the PTSD. My baby doesnt sleep because she is so afraid if she falls asleep she *has to goto god* and she fights falling asleep so she wont die. Everynight she asks *do i have to goto god tonight mommy* and i assure her that no god made her better because it wasnt her time to be with him yet and it wont be for a very long time but she doesnt believe me and without benadryl she wont sleep at all and then when she does sleep she has nightmares all night and wakes up crying alot,now her poor sister is doing the same thing,waking up with nightmares uugh so when i say we dont sleep...i mean WE DONT SLEEP!!!

It's very hard to be a happy functioning adult on 1-3 hrs asleep a night and sometimes the lack of sleep and depression really gets to me to the point all i want to do is lay down,but i get up and go because my kids need me.People also dont understand that, they cant imagine what you have to be depressed about,they say i should be smiling because she is doing better...well i am smiling on the outside where they can see...its just the inside that's slowly dying from fear and nobody realizes that fear unless they have lived it themselves....I FEAR EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY that the next test/scan she gets will come back that the cancer is attacking her tiny body again, i Fear everyday that when i tell her she doesnt have to goto god...im lying to her....i fear that she wont grow to be an adult, i wont see her have her first real boyfriend, i wont see her goto prom or graduate or become a wife/mother....i Fear these things everyday and believe me the fear is enough to eat you away from the inside out and make you crazy and if it wasnt for the anti-depression meds i take everyday, i Fear that the Fear would win and i would really lose my mind. Personally i think that every parent of a sick child has these same fears and i wish that the other people around us would try harder to understand this rather then treating us like we are bad/crazy people. Someday i hope this fear goes away and that just one day i can make it through a whole day without being afraid of losing my child and then Maybe i can be *Normal* again, but i doubt it. So today and everyday for the rest of my life i will fight to help find a cure for this Horrible disease in hopes that no other parent/grandparent/brother/sister has to go through life living with this FEAR.

Audrianna's Wish page was started to help her get her one wish to meet Hannah Montana and even though her wish never came true, we now use her page to help her and other kids fighting this disease. I advocate for every sick child i see and we goto every fundraiser we can manage to get to so we can support other families going through what we have gone through and i try to smile and tell them it will be ok you child can beat this they are strong, but in my heart i fear im wrong even though i hope im right. Everytime one of these babies loses there fight its like i lost one of my own children and the depression takes over for a bit till i pull myself back up and my husband tells me i shouldnt get attached but how can i not? These are beautiful children who didnt deserve anything bad to ever happen to them and yet they are slowly dying from this horrible disease called cancer,how can i not get attached and try to help....i cant!!!

People tell me i should give all this fear and anger up to GOD and let him help me heal, and my daughter believes in god and tells me she has seen him and his angels....BUT i get very angry and god and feel like he has let us all down so its very hard for me to let everything go and hope god fixes it...i mean where has good been for these babies? WHY hasnt he helped them? What the hell kind of plan can he have for them that lets them live in so much pain for so little time and leave behind there suffering families? I Know I know this is gonna anger people and im gonna get grief for this but its how i feel sorry!!!

Anyway back to Audrianna and sorry for my ramblings....right now audrianna is about to finish her first year of pre-school and her teacher thinks she should do another year before going to kindergarten but its up to me and im not sure, should i put her in Kindergarten or keep her in pre-school ugh how do i make this choice? Her Teacher thinks she needs more social skills and she would be overwhelmed in a whole day of K-Garten because she is so shy...but is being shy a reason to keep her back?? This is something i have to think about and talk to her teacher and the new school and see what everyone thinks and make a decision. Audrianna finally got her permenant hearing aides and she seems to be doing better with them in even if she doesnt always want to wear them, im hoping this will help with her speech which is another reason her teacher thinks she needs to stay back.I just want my beautiful baby to start everything on time and normal so she doesnt miss anything else in life, but i also dont want her to fall behind. Anybody have any opinions on this id like to hear them <3

This coming weekend the 22nd of May our family is going to be in Scranton for Red Carpet event to raise money for pediatric Cancer research and the girls get to wear fancy dresses and they are so excited and so am i, i cant wait to help educate people on how this disease affects everyone in a family, not just the child and how there is NO Money for reasearch to find a cure for our babies!!!! I want to thank everyone who is coming to this event and who has come to all the other events we have had and for supporting Audrianna and our Family. Much love to all of you!!!

Aaron Carter Fundraiser

Hi Everyone,
I have been asked to post this here since it seems some people are having trouble figuring out how to pay online for the tickets-:)....Here on Audrianna's Blog right below the picture of the girls is a Button that says DONATE, that leads you to paypal and all you have to do is enter the amount your paying for your tickets and in the subject line please enter Aaron Carter Fundraiser and let us know if your getting just tickets to the show or for the show and the meet-n-greet.
Here is the Link to the show and the info on how much the tickets cost... http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=141776455876376
Thank You All for Your Love and Support of our Beautiful Daughter<3
Angela Aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy