Lonely Nights

Hi Baby....I miss you so much and the nights are the worst...once the house is quiet and there is nothing to keep my mind busy all i do is think of you and miss you...During the day i try to keep busy..i take care of sissy, take her on play dates..today we went to clim-a-lot with Michelle and Ali and the girls had such a good time,everytime i saw them laugh or smile i thought Audrianna would have loved this and she would have loved Ali(kyra's new friend)i tried really hard not to be sad and i put on my smile for everyone..we even went out for pizza afterwards and the girls had a good time,so did mommy but i just felt like there was a missing empty seat the whole time and there was because you werent there...Now Kyra is spending the night over Nicole's House with Morganna and i am here all alone and the house is so quiet and i am so lost...i tried laying there watching tv and hoping to fall asleep but it didnt happen....tomorrow the house will be even quieter for a while because Dustin is leaving for rehab...he decided he needs to get better and do something with his life so he is going to rehab and then hoping to join the military...he wants to make YOU proud baby...he misses you so much and he tries not to show it because ya know he is big tough boy..but his heart is broken, he misses his brat,he misses you asking him to cook him stuff and get you drinks in the middle of the night because you were both such night owls...he never says it but i know how much he misses you and he hurts without you...Geena has taken to sleeping with Dustin because she misses you so much..she runs in your room and over to where your bed was(kyra's bed is there now) and she jumps on the bed and howls because your not there, then she runs to dustins room for comfort and now dustin is leaving too for a while...poor geena i think she will be as lost and lonely as mommy is...I am so Proud of Dustin for trying to get his act together and hoping and praying with all that i am that he can do this..for himself....Kyra is having a hard time, she is so lonely without you,she misses snuggling in bed with you,playing dolls or just watching tv with her sister...she talks about you evernight and tells me how sad she is that your in heave...she says mommy do you know who i miss and I always say who baby and she says Audri...i wish Audri would come home and i say me too baby me too....there is so much heartache right now,we are all trying so hard to go on without you but the pain is some days unbearable....Daddy went to Indiana for a few days to see Larry because he needed to get out of the house...Uncle Denny mopes around because he misses you so bad,he snuggles your pennstate pillow pet everynight and hugs geena alot because he loves her too...it's almost Easter and Mommy is having a very hard time,i bought Kyra an Easter Dress and all i could think is im not buying you one,that i will never see you pretty in pink again...it took all that i had to buy her dress and easter basket because i wasnt buying 2.....but i did it because Kyra needs to celebrate easter and not be forgotten and even if i just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head i cant because your sister needs me...Someday Kyra will read back over these blogs when she is older and realize how much i loved you both...Because sometimes i think she thinks i loved you more and thats not the case i have always loved you both equally and with all my heart...if i didnt id have never been able to go on when you died baby...if it wasnt for Kyra id have laid down and died with you of a broken heart,but i knew my other baby needed me to stand up and go home and be with her...and we will get through our broken hearts together....everyone is trying to help Kyra cope...Nana and Poppa John have been there for her as they always are and helped her alot,PoppyO takes her shopping with the boys on thursdays,Bret and Lizzie took her to NJ where she spent the night at Lizzie's house, played with the dogs and then went to the aquarium which she loved...Dustin has been super nice to her...she has gone to Katie and Anthony's to play with Jessica Alot,and Morganna has been a very good friend to her,Aunt Anna and Hope have been there alot for Kyra and made sure she gets to Dance when mommy just cant get out of bed...I am so thankfull to the people that have stepped up to show Kyra she is still loved and i might not be able to say that to them without crying right now but i hope they all know that i appreciate everything they have done.....while im still falling apart and trying to find my way without you other people have stepped up to help show your sister she is Loved.....The Bounce place helped give her an awesome monster high birthday party, jamie and dakpta of course helped make that very special......I just want you to know sissy is Ok, she is sad but ok....I know im rambling baby but these are all the thoughts jumbled in my head that i would have normally talked to you about You were always my best friend,we would sit up together at night and talk about anything and everything and even though you were physically a 6yr old you were such an old soul and you always knew what to say...if Kyra was acting out you would say Mom she is just a kid she doesnt mean it...if something got broken i would hear MOM it was just an accident we didnt mean it lol you always had an answer for everything and god i miss that...YOU always stuck up for your lil sister too...if daddy or anyone was Yelling at Kyra you would get so Mad and say Leave My sister alone she is just a baby or just a kid she doesnt understand and you would stomp your lil foot...you and daddy used to get in yelling matches because you would stomp your foot,put your hand on your hip and say Dad,leave my sister alone she is just a kid sheesh and he would say Audrianna dont you stomp your foot at me and mommy would sit there snickering and trying to hide my smile because you were so serious and who could stay mad at that face...Not Me thats for sure....now Mommy sticks up for kyra the way you used to because your not here...but she told me she needs a new sister to do that for her...i told her that Emille volunteers to be her big sister because mommy isnt having anymore babies....Please have the angel's watch over Emilee baby she is in the hospital and needs alot of angel power right now....well i better let you go back to sparkling your angel dust on people who need it...I love You Baby!!!!!

Missing you

Depresion is a horrible thing,i know i need to get up and i need to function, cook,clean, take care of kyra....but all i want to do is sleep all day and all night....its the only time i still get to see audrianna...so why wake up?? I hate that i feel like im letting everyone down especially Kyra, but right now i just cant seem to function like a *normal* person...i dont want to be on the computer talking to my friends or blogging or taking care of audrianna's wish...i just want to sleep and hope not to take up....ugh i am not insane either im just sad and tired and Lost....and when i do go out and do something i feel guilty like i shouldnt be having a nice time without her..i know that's irrational and not at all how audrianna would want me to feel but it doesnt mean its something i can stop. Every night i listen to Kyra tell me how much she misses her sister and she wants her back, how she is mad at the angel's for taking her to play with them when she should be here playing with her,how she wants her to come home and she needs her big sister to teach her things, cuddle with her and play dolls..and everynight my heart shatters over and over because i cant fix this for her...i cant bring her sister back and i couldnt save her no matter how hard we both fought the cancer still won and she is still gone.I feel like i failed her, if i would have fought harder,pushed for more experimental treatments..something then maybe she would still be here,but the other side of my brain knows that we made the right decision letting her stop treatment because her body couldnt take anymore and she got to LIVE the last couple months of her life...but that still doesnt make me feel better even if it should………………..i have no patience with Kyra either,she is of course acting out and pushing her limits because she doesn’t know how else to express herself but I can only handle it for so long before I find myself yelling at her to stop. I love her with my whole heart but everything just seems to loud,to awful and to hard for Both of us right now and we are trying to find our way without driving each other crazy and so far we haven’t found that happy medium. My friends all have there own lives and there own problems, they work and have kids and there lives go on…while mine is stalled and I feel like its never going to start back up.They all say we are here for you if you need us and ya know if push came to shove they prolly would be, but I wont ask because I know they have there own stuff…so unless someone shows up or calls or offers to do things…I just sit here alone and most days I don’t even bother showering,why bother im not going anywhere im gonna lay in bed and wish the day was over before it even started.Do I know this isn’t good for me,yes but can I stop it..NO…I know every second that she has been gone…and it feels like a knife has been stuck in my chest and just keeps twisting…the littlest things make me fall apart…ask me to handle something big like a cut off finger im good but ask me to go shoe shopping and I see a pair of shoes audri would have liked and that’s it im crying and have to leave the store and go home to bed. Denny had his kids this weekend for the first time since Audrianna died, Kyra was thrilled uncle denny’s kids were coming and she would have her cousins here to play with…I was fine with it I really was…then the kids got here and the first question out of them was whats the vase…And then I had to explain that it was audrianna and then I had to explain cremation and why she wanted to be creamated and that’s how she ended up In the vase…the kids were very respectfull and asked so many good questions but omg it was so fucking hard to sit there and not cry and explain this to them….then it was bedtime and all the kids were settled for the night and I laid there and cried and cried waiting for kyra to fall asleep so I could leave the room because there was one empty spot…there should have been 5 babies tucked in and there were only 4….i left the room and was awake till almost 7am when my eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer because I couldn’t handle going back into that room and laying in my bed without audrianna….it was yet just another reminder that she was really gone and she wasn’t coming back, another twist of the knife in my heart and yet I smiled and went on because that’s what I needed to do to make the kids feel ok…..we even took the kids to chuckie cheese and let them play and run off energy and then on Sunday before they went home we took them to climb-a lot, and the whole weekend all I could think is omg she should be here, this hurts so bad and this fake smile is killing me…and once the kids were gone and we were home Sunday night I didn’t get out of my bed till today when my mom needed a ride home from the eye doctor,because I couldn’t handle one more thing,one more moment of something audrianna would have loved without her…it just seems like the world is so dark now, that the day she died so took the sunshine with her and everything is just dark and grey now…people politely ask how are you,are you ok, are you hanging in there…and I smile and say yes we are hanging in there we are ok and the whole time im thinking No,No we are NOT ok…we will NEVER be ok without her….we are all hanging on and going through the motions but life is not the same,how can it be? Easter is coming and for most people Easter is a happy time that they spend with family and they rejoice over life and being alive….for me and my family Easter is a reminder of the day she was diagnosed with Cancer and when she relapsed…Easter is not happy for me..i know its not Easters Fault BUT that’s when our lives fell apart and they have never been the same since.So while most people will be out having a nice dinner and wearing pretty clothes I will be trying to get out of bed so Kyra can open her easter basket and take her to nana’s for dinner and yet the whole time I will be screaming in my head for the covers and my bed because Audrianna wont be here to celebrate with her sister,she wont be wearing a pretty dress, trading the chocolates and jelly beans she doesn’t like for the ones kyra doesn’t like..telling Poppa John how to make the ham or the sweet potatoes the way she likes them…our first Easter without her and I don’t know how any of us are going to get through it…if only I could find a time machine and go back and make a wish that would come true…id wish that cancer never existed so that Audrianna would still be alive and here with us and I think any parent who has ever lost a child would make the same wish……All I think everynight as I cry myself to sleep is please let her be ok, please let her be happy and please let us learn to live without her so that one day we can all be ok and happy till we see her again

1 month seems like an eternity

Hi Baby...i cant believe its been a whole month today since you took your last breathe in my arms...my world has such a Hole in it without you...i do all the things people expect me to do, i smile when they think i should, laugh if everyone else is laughing, get up and feed and clothe your sister and make sure she goes to school(most days)and just try and do the *normal* things the world expects so that i dont end up getting locked in a looney bin. All i want to do is lay in the bed with the covers over my head,hugging your favorite teddy bear and cry all day or sleep in hopes that when i wake up this will all have been a terrible nightmare and you will still be with us...you would still be N.E.D. and have hair,playing with your sister and fighting like normal sisters do...NOT DEAD because the medicine didnt work and the tumors kept growing till we said enough is enough and took you home to LIVE your life. NOBODY understands this unless they have walked this road...losing a child is the most devestating thing that can happen to a parent, your not supposed to OUTLIVE your babies and when you do you dont know how to go on without them so you put on a FAKE smile, try to remember to shower and get dressed and leave the house at least once a week so your friends/family dont get too worried and stage an intervention.People dont realize how hard it is for me to go places, so many people loved you that no matter where i go someone says are you Audrianna's Mom and of course im so proud of you i say yes absolutely i am her mom and then i hear the inevitable...I'm So Sorry for your Loss,She is in a better place grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr then it takes all i have not to punch someone...BECAUSE THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE FOR YOU THEN IN MY ARMS! I know these people are not trying to say anything hurtfull and they are saying this out of Love for you but it is absolutely one of the worst things to say to a grieving parent.Evertytime this happens i smile and thank them because they loved you and then i go home and cry because your not in my arms. I find myself not wanting to leave the house at all and when i do i never go anywhere for long because i always want to go home, where you are. We switched the bedroom around and set up a beautiful cabinet with your ashes on it and now i just feel like there is no reason to leave because thats where you are and i get anxious when im not around you....to any person other then another parent who has lost a child this is going to sound completely crazy but this is what happens to the mom's/dad's who are left behind. We are left looking for you in every flower, ever cloud, ever dream, every butterfly....just trying to get some sign that Your ok...You fought so hard and you were so brave for so long and i know your body was weak and worn down and you were to tired to fight anymore, so i told you it was ok to go that yes we would miss you everyday but we didnt want to watch you suffer anymore...and you told me that when you met god you would tell him Thank You for letting you be my lil girl...i am forever greatfull for that and in the comfort of knowing you believed in god, even if i am having a really hard time believe that any GOD could let babies suffer and die...i believe there is somewhere we all go to be together when we pass and i believe in angel's BUT i can no longer believe that there is One all Powerfull god pulling the strings because if there was GOD would protect the innocent children like it says in the bible he wouldnt sit back and watch you suffer and die from horrifying diseases and any parent that has ever sat on an oncology floor would tell you the same thing that after seeing what they saw it makes it very hard for them to believe in god.....FOR me i knew there were angel's around you because you used to tell me they talked to you, when you were really sick you told me about talking to angel Aimee and you had never even met Aimee we didnt even know her family till after she passed yet you could describe her perfectly....you also told me about talking to kelly after she passed and how she came to you and told you not to be afraid that heaven was a beautiful place...when we went in the hot air balloon and we were stuck in the cloud you asked Mom is this what heaven looks like and i said i think so baby and you replied well then id never be afraid to go there its beautiful....these are the things i think of when i cant get out of bed, how brave you were, how you werent afraid to Die(yet we are afraid to live without you)how you had made your peace and knew the angel's were going to come for you...you didnt gasp for breathe or struggle at the end, you just closed your eyes and went peacefully in our arms. I want to stand and shout at the sky for the angel's to bring you back that it wasnt your time there was a mistake,you still have so much to teach your lil sister and us...but i know you wouldnt want that just like you dont want me hiding under the covers. I am trying to be the person i know you would want me to be, i have set things in motion to keep fighting for you and other kids so no other parent has to go though the devestation im feeling right now...i am getting the bench done for your butterfly garden, working on stepping stones and butterfly bushes...and trying to find someone to help me with the legal stuff to get Audrianna's Wish turned into a foundation/501-c so that we can help other kids like you and other families that are scared and dont know where else to turn. I am the only voice you have left baby and i plan on using it...its just right now its so damn hard so please dont hate mommy if it takes a lil longer then i thought it would because im drowning in sorrow.....i love you baby and miss you more then words can say...hugs your angel friends for me and send my love...till we meet again xoxoxo mommy

Hi Baby i cant believe its been 2weeks since the last time i held you in my arms,the pain i feel without you is unimaginable...i am so empty inside that i cant even cry.I promised you that i would make sure you had a wonderful celebration of life and i would have everyone wear bright colors and there would be balloons and happiness and baby there was, it was beautiful...when the balloons went up they actually looked like a butterfly flying away.I havent cried since that day and i think i only cried once then,now i just feel like there are no tears left because i am frozen inside..i wish i could cry because then maybe i would feel better letting it all out but i just can't,so instead i am keeping myself as busy as i can be,never stopping for long because i might have to feel and then id fall down. I am working on getting your butterfly garden done in the spring with 2 benches one from the monument company and a wooden one both if possible in the shape of a butterfly and engraved.I am also working on gettin your foundation going..i am determined to turn Audrianna's Wish into a 501-c and help other kids which is what you wanted. Right now i am also trying to get a Pediatric Cancer Awareness Bear made for September so that kids who are fighting this battle will have something special just for them to hold onto and the siblings who have lost someone to cancer can have something also...i of course ran into a few road blocks but do you think that will stop me? UMM NO because it wouldnt have stopped You and i can hear you in my head saying You can do this Mommy, get this bear made for me!!! I have so many plans and so many people already contacting me for fundraiser to help with the butterfly garden and then foundation that it just amazes me because so many people love/loved you, that gives me so much Joy to know that in the 6yrs you were with us you touched so many lives and you will NEVER be FORGOTTEN.........................................................................Last Night Your Friends at PennState Hazleton Held a Candle Light Vigil for You,Aunt Amy...Nana..Poppa John and Daddy went and it was very beautifully done they even decorated the Lion for you with flowers and butterflies...all the pictures were so beautiful...Mommy couldnt go because i was sick with bronchitis and well because i just couldnt handle one more thing baby...i couldnt go and have everyone telling me how sorry they were and how your in a better place and sit there with my fake smile and nod and say it's ok yes she is when i really just want to scream...IT'S NOT OK...IT WILL NEVER BE OK AGAIN AND SHE ISNT IN A BETTER PLACE DAMMIT THE BEST PLACE FOR HER IS IN MY ARMS AND SHE ISNT THERE...and that's what i have been screaming in my head for 2 weeks while my fake smile has been in place and my face has been saying other things............................................................................Kyra really Misses you, she talks about you all the time and sometimes the things she says are so heartbreaking that i feel like im dying...she told me that her heart is broken in a million pieces because she doesnt have a sister anymore, and she tells me everynight *You Know who i Miss Mommy...Audri* And then she says she is mad at the angel's because they took you to play with them and you should be here playing with her...i tried to tell her the angel's took you to make you better and that now you have hair again and your chunky again and have beautiful pink wings because your not sick anymore...Kyra is glad for all that but she still wants her sister back...she is really upset that her birthday is coming on march 7th and at her party on the 9th you wont be there to bounce with her at the bounce place....she told me all she wants for her birthday is you to come back....i wish i knew how to make this better for her baby but i dont...how can i make it better for Kyra when i dont know how to make it better for me??? Please send your love and strength to us so we can get through this....We Love You Butterfly!