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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Whoever said home is easier...LIED

Audrianna has been home about 2 weeks now and life is hard...its hard on her and on all of us around her....Poor Kyra she is 4 and Audrianna yells at her all the time, be quiet Kyra, Your too Loud Kyra,Dont touch that Kyra, Leave the dog alone Kyra ugh it's an endless battle for poor Kyra even when she isnt doing anything wrong...Kyra actually went back to my mom's house the day before thanksgiving and didnt come home till last night because and i quote *Audri is mean to me all the time and i just want to be a kid mommy* to me this is one of the most heartbreaking things in the world, they are sisters and they love each other so much and yet they cant be around each other because Audrianna is too sick to DEAL with her baby sister...it's like being punched in the face over and over because again i have to choose between my sick and dying childs happiness and peace of mind and my healthy childs happiness and peace of mind....NO PARENT SHOULD EVER BE IN THIS POSITION..i shouldnt have to send one baby away to take care of another...................................I also cant handle one more person saying to me she will be ok, she is going to regain her strength and she is going to bounce back and get better, she has beat this before and she can do it again....WAKE UP PEOPLE LOOK AT HER SHE IS DYING that's what i want to scream outloud while i sit there and shake my head and consol them and say things like sure she will as soon as she starts eating again she will be better blah blah blah...i just dont get what part of there is NOTHING ELSE THEY CAN DO, SHE IS OFF TREATMENT, THE TUMORS ARE GROWING, SHE IS EVENTUALLY GOING TO DIE...that these fucking peole dont understand....and its not just strangers either its family and friends and i know it's there way of dealing with this suck ass situation and living in there denial...but unfortunately as her mom i dont get to live on the planet of denial with everyone else i have to live in REALITY....Audrianna is down to 32lbs, she is skin and bones, barely eats, is in constant pain living on pain meds and borrowed time until the tumor takes over to the point she will stop functioning....this is the harsh reality of my life and honestly i cant handle people asking me how i deal with this, how am i not falling apart...i am falling apart dammit, im falling apart on the inside where nobody can see because im so damn busy being strong for everyone else i cannot take time to just fall apart for me.....And the everyday funtioning of my children is the only thing keeping me off the floor...i want to lay down in her bed with her and goto sleep with her and never wake up when she does, but i cant, im a mom and i still have Kyra to think about when this nightmare we call Cancer steals her sister. If one more person calls me because they want to come to my home and pray for her healing i might bitch slap someone..i know they mean well but come on...do you honestly think what my sick child needs is a bunch of people she doesnt know coming into our home to *Lay there hands on her to heal her*?? She freaks out when the hospice nurse comes into the house ugh. I havent been able to go grocery shopping,take a shower unless she is asleep, do laundry...any of the Mundane things other people take for granted because she is so sick she wants mommy to sit right next to her all the time....i have a head cold and cant even goto the doc for meds for me because she wont stay with anyone else without crying and even though i know my mom or dad would come here and sit with her i worry every second im out of the house that something will go wrong and i wont be there when she needs me.....this makes All of us Crazy, Sad, Mad...omg there are so many emotions that run through your head that you cant keep track......At least in the hospital she knew her nurses, trusted them with her life and loved them enough to let them sit with her and give mommy a break and i knew she was hooked up to machines that would beep if there was anything wrong so i wasnt afraid to sleep, here at home i dont sleep, im running on fumes because im so terrified because that if i fall into a deep sleep i wont hear her if she needs me or worse she will die and i will be sleeping through her last moments here with me.....im scared all the time and so is she....I HATE CANCER AND I WANT IT TO LEAVE MY BABY AND ALL THE OTHER BABIS ALONE DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

24 comments:

  1. continued prayers, Angela! I am at a loss here, I just wish cancer was never around, the people who would still be here today!

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  2. Very powerful, yet honest words. xo

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  3. Angela..as a mother of 3, I cannot imagine the pain and anguish you must feel every minute of every day. I have been following Audri's story for some time and I must say if I admire your strength and honesty through this entire ordeal. You are a strong, loving, wonderful mother. It's ok to be angry. You have every right. May God bless you and your family.

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  4. I applaud your courage to tell it like it is Andrea, and I am also so very sorry for you and your family and mostly Audriana! Can"t say I would be able to hold it together! You need to scream girl, let it out and God bless! :)

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  5. There truly are no words. Rant, rave, bitch slap someone...it's your right as her mother. Sending you the only thing I can, a HUGE CYBER (((((HUG)))))

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  6. You should not have to bear this. I don't know know how much plainer you could have made it to those people. I am just so damn angry that they are causing you even more angst right now. And angry that cancer is tearing you, Kyra, and Audri apart. And angry that Audri is in so much pain. It is all horrific.

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  7. I pray your family finds peace...so heartbreaking all the way around.

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  8. I'm proud of you! For getting that all out finally! Those of us who are around you guys know the harsh reality. We see more than just the "happy sick kid" photos and the silly stories. I have told you before, God gave you Audri because Audri needed you. You were the only one for this mommmy job and your doing a hell of a good job my friend. We know that there will be a day when we will have to say good bye to Audri, and no one can prepare for this. There is no more healing/hope/prayer that can fix or save her so it's time for people to just BE THERE and as Audri would say.... "BE QUIET YOUR HURTING MY EARS!!!" Love you guys bunches and always here for you. <3

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  10. Angela, I admire your strength and your love for your children. I'm sorry people are so insensitive when all they are trying to be is sensitive. Its not that you have given up hope, you are being realistic. I'm sorry Audrianna is in so much pain. That breaks my heart. Nobody wants to believe that Audrianna is going to die. I still don't want to believe it but I know its true. I will pray for comfort for all of you. That is definitely something you all could use. Hugs and much love from me and my Audrianna. I feel like I have two Audrianna's now. Yours and mine. Mine still prays for yours

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  11. Angela Santorelli Bartol,Im so sorry this brought tears to my eyes ,everything your saying is true i feel your pain a little i have a sister that is cerebral palsy and spine-a-bifia not as bad as the cancer but almost she seems to get worse by the day her emotions and mood gets horrible i wonder when will be her last breathe she always is sad she cant walk like others and it just crushes me to peices ...i cant imagine yours and your familys pain your doing a great job taking care of your family and making sure there is nothing but happiness until your last moments with Audri!!:)<3 I look up to you<3

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  12. So sorry Angela. You are in my prayers. Hugs being sent your way. I wish there was something we could do for you but I know that you are in this fight right now. Just know that you can vent anytime you need to. Lots of love to you and your family.

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  13. Angela, Unfortunately it will never be easier. I am so sorry. I understand your anger. Not to your extent, but I do understand. Having gone through cancer and treatment myself while trying to raise two little boys; there was a lot of anger and resentment. As much as I didn't want to say, WHY ME!!!, I wanted to say, WHY ME!!!! There is NEVER the right thing to say because you are so fed up. I do not know you personally, but I do know so many people that love you and your family. Ask for the help if you need it. Even if you do not want to because you want to do it yourself, ASK. Everyone, including me, will help. People want to help because they do not know what else to do. So start delegating. Blogging was the best thing I did when I was sick. I was able to get things off my chest. You honesty hits so close to home. I am sorry. As your friend said, cyber ((((((HUGS!)))))))

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  14. Angela, I'm so sorry! I can't even to begin to understand your pain or your anger, your sadness. But do I pray that it would go away?..yes. NO person..let alone a child have to go through what Audrianna is! You and your sweet family are in my prayers!

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  15. *HUGE hugs* I think about you guys every day, and I read your updates all the time, half the time I have no amount of words to say that would ever begin to make you or anyone else feel better...so I just read...and stay silent...because that's all I can do, and it shatters me. Even now I have no words :( But I had to let you know that I'm here, that I care, and I WISH there was something I could do for Audrianna, for Kyra, for YOU. I send my LOVE to your whole family.

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  16. Nothing I can imagine comes close to what you are dealing with. Nothing I say can provide you any comfort. No parent should ever have to endure what you have been through and continue to struggle through with every breath. All I can offer you is my love, respect, and admiration. If you need anything, anything at all, even just someone to play with Kyra for a few hrsb so you and audri can have some alone time, say the word. We love you.

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  17. I send my love to all of you I really am really sorry and I do wish cancer would just leave kids alone even adults for that matter do we really need to have cancer NO I dont think so I agree with what you said and I am here for you I am Mae's sister.

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  18. You are allowed to be angry, frustrated and at your wits' end. I have followed your journey with tears and hope from a distance, and all that's left now are tears and anguish. All you can do it try to cope with the unfairness of it all from day to day, and wonder how you can possibly do it for one more day. There are those of us who have never met you, but who are suffering through your words WITH you, and my dear, you have our love and prayers to just help you continue. Do what you can, be who you are, and know that you are doing everything you possibly can for your whole family. You have my total respect, especially for your honesty throughout all this horrible ordeal. Much love

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  19. I can't understand what you are going through but I lost my husband to cancer and he was the same way he didn't want me to leave his side. I avoided most people while he was sick but the comments afterwards were enough to send me back in the house and not leave it. I wasn't strong I did what needed to be done. It has been 16 months and I still get the comments about what I did wrong or what I should be doing now.The ones that really get me are I understand my gram died ah hello not even close. You have me respect and sympathy but I do know how you do it you have no choice.

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  20. i understand your words, but cant imagine what you are going thru. all i can offer is a huggggg, my love, and positive thoughts for you and your family. nothing can sugar coat what you are going thru, it just sux. you have so much courage, stay strong, and take time to breathe. xxoo karen ooxx

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  21. I posted this once already but I really want to make sure that you see it.

    Please look into this, my heart has been burdened for this little girl for two days and I've never even met her. A miracle may not be as far away as it seems:

    http://gerson.org/gerpress/the-gerson-therapy/

    There is an excellent documentary on Netflix called "The Gerson Miracle." It has all of the information in addition to the website. Every ounce of me is praying for your little girl right now, please look into this.

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  22. You have every right to feel the way you do. You're right... she is dying, and there isn't much anyone can do except keep her calm and comfortable. I can't imagine having to choose between your older and younger children's happiness. I'm glad to see you got all of your frustrations out. You shouldn't have to wear a happy face for everyone all the time. You should be able to show your true feelings without fear of judgement. Praying for peace for all of you.

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  23. Prayers for you and your family. Don't know you but follow the facebook page and saw this link. You have a right to feel frustrated, upset, etc., remember that. There is nothing wrong with not being strong in situations which would make anyone feel weak. I've been praying for you. Hope you and Audrianna know how much God and Jesus love both of you, and that this knowledge can be a comfort. 1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14

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