All Donations goto Audrianna's Butterfly Garden and to help start the Audrianna's Foundation
Hazle Township, PA 18202
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Whoever said home is easier...LIED
Audrianna has been home about 2 weeks now and life is hard...its hard on her and on all of us around her....Poor Kyra she is 4 and Audrianna yells at her all the time, be quiet Kyra, Your too Loud Kyra,Dont touch that Kyra, Leave the dog alone Kyra ugh it's an endless battle for poor Kyra even when she isnt doing anything wrong...Kyra actually went back to my mom's house the day before thanksgiving and didnt come home till last night because and i quote *Audri is mean to me all the time and i just want to be a kid mommy* to me this is one of the most heartbreaking things in the world, they are sisters and they love each other so much and yet they cant be around each other because Audrianna is too sick to DEAL with her baby sister...it's like being punched in the face over and over because again i have to choose between my sick and dying childs happiness and peace of mind and my healthy childs happiness and peace of mind....NO PARENT SHOULD EVER BE IN THIS POSITION..i shouldnt have to send one baby away to take care of another...................................I also cant handle one more person saying to me she will be ok, she is going to regain her strength and she is going to bounce back and get better, she has beat this before and she can do it again....WAKE UP PEOPLE LOOK AT HER SHE IS DYING that's what i want to scream outloud while i sit there and shake my head and consol them and say things like sure she will as soon as she starts eating again she will be better blah blah blah...i just dont get what part of there is NOTHING ELSE THEY CAN DO, SHE IS OFF TREATMENT, THE TUMORS ARE GROWING, SHE IS EVENTUALLY GOING TO DIE...that these fucking peole dont understand....and its not just strangers either its family and friends and i know it's there way of dealing with this suck ass situation and living in there denial...but unfortunately as her mom i dont get to live on the planet of denial with everyone else i have to live in REALITY....Audrianna is down to 32lbs, she is skin and bones, barely eats, is in constant pain living on pain meds and borrowed time until the tumor takes over to the point she will stop functioning....this is the harsh reality of my life and honestly i cant handle people asking me how i deal with this, how am i not falling apart...i am falling apart dammit, im falling apart on the inside where nobody can see because im so damn busy being strong for everyone else i cannot take time to just fall apart for me.....And the everyday funtioning of my children is the only thing keeping me off the floor...i want to lay down in her bed with her and goto sleep with her and never wake up when she does, but i cant, im a mom and i still have Kyra to think about when this nightmare we call Cancer steals her sister. If one more person calls me because they want to come to my home and pray for her healing i might bitch slap someone..i know they mean well but come on...do you honestly think what my sick child needs is a bunch of people she doesnt know coming into our home to *Lay there hands on her to heal her*?? She freaks out when the hospice nurse comes into the house ugh. I havent been able to go grocery shopping,take a shower unless she is asleep, do laundry...any of the Mundane things other people take for granted because she is so sick she wants mommy to sit right next to her all the time....i have a head cold and cant even goto the doc for meds for me because she wont stay with anyone else without crying and even though i know my mom or dad would come here and sit with her i worry every second im out of the house that something will go wrong and i wont be there when she needs me.....this makes All of us Crazy, Sad, Mad...omg there are so many emotions that run through your head that you cant keep track......At least in the hospital she knew her nurses, trusted them with her life and loved them enough to let them sit with her and give mommy a break and i knew she was hooked up to machines that would beep if there was anything wrong so i wasnt afraid to sleep, here at home i dont sleep, im running on fumes because im so terrified because that if i fall into a deep sleep i wont hear her if she needs me or worse she will die and i will be sleeping through her last moments here with me.....im scared all the time and so is she....I HATE CANCER AND I WANT IT TO LEAVE MY BABY AND ALL THE OTHER BABIS ALONE DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!