Some Days are Worse then others

I sit here watching my children play after they came home from school and all i can think is how many more days like this will we actually have?? We are still waiting on the Genetic testing to come back to see if she is One of the 15% who will be able to get the gene therapy and let me tell ya the waiting and not knowing are the worst....at least if we knew yes or know we would be able to make a plan on how to deal with everything...People tell me i should be Happy that she is well right now and not really showing so many symptoms,but thats because they dont see her all the time and really who are they to tell me to be happy??I am Happy that Audrianna is ALIVE and with all of us right now but it doesnt mean that im still not sad,mad,and tons of other emotions on top of that.This is an emotional roller coaster that it seems like none of us will survive because Cancer doesnt just affect Audrianna it affects all of us,it affects her beautiful 4yr old sister who is so angry sometimes she yells and screams for no reason and has the Worst Temper Tantrums and god forbid she gets a booboo then she screams like she is Dying because she wants attention for her wounds not just her sisters...the littlest scratch on Kyra is a catastrophe and sometimes her tantrums are so horrible i cant deal and want to run away screaming but i cant because she needs me too and its her only way to let out what she feels,i HATE Cancer and what its doing to us all.....Audrianna's pain meds make her mean, she has mood swings like a crazy person...one minute she is hugging you and telling you she loves you the next minute she is screaming in your face tellin you she hates you and she treats poor kyra the worst, it is so sad to see because kyra loves her so much and all she wants to do is play with her big sister and she doesnt understand that her sissy cant help being mean.I get so depressed watching this that i dont know what to do and then i just want to crawl under the blankets and hide from the world, but who can do that....not someone named MOM let me tell ya.We all just need a CANCER BREAK, a day where we wake up and not have to worry that Cancer is stealing our lives, not have to worry that Our Child/Sister is going to Die,that today something will happen and she will stop breathing or her heart will stop beating while we sleep.We are all so looking forward to the week of November 12th just so we can be on vacation in Disney and TRY really hard to forget for just a bit that our lives will never be the same again.............................................The girls cannot wait to see all the princesses and tinkerbell again....I cant wait to see there faces shine and capture moments of happiness instead of sadness...............To be able to wake up in the mornings and not want to hide under the covers, to just go and enjoy our lives and try to act *normal* for a week....................we have been trying to fill Audrianna's Bucket list as much as we can, she got a beautiful puppy donated to her from http://www.colorsilkyorkies.com/ and she got to ride in a helicopter at the bloomsburg fair....we are still trying to get her a hot air balloon ride,a trip to NYC, and a swim with the dolphins while we are in disney...those are all her big wishes...her other wishes are smaller, she wants the toy drive for her hospital to be a success again this year so all the other kids in the hospital get toys, she would like gift cards to use while she is in the hospital for amazon so she can watch movies,itunes so she can listen to music and american girl doll so she can shop for new clothes for her Bald Doll Hannah....other then that she hasnt told me anything else she would like to do yet and the only reason im posting this is because people keep asking me whats on her bucket list.................................................Some days we are really happy like over the weekend when we had family in from NJ and we went to the bounce place and let the kids play and then to Pennstate for there community days and see the kids smile and play together and then other days like today i wake up,take Audrianna to school and then come home and put kyra on the bus and as soon as everyone is gone i just lay back down and crawl into a ball with the cover over my head till its time to get them from school because i just cant handle anything else without cracking into a million pieces and falling apart. For all the people that think this journey is something Everyone can halde is wrong, this Journey is something that takes ALOT of inner strength not to fall down and its not something you start with its something that you gain along the road to hell ...which by the way is NOT PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS....It's PAVED WITH BALD DYING BABIES:(