10 days still in the hospital

Audrianna has been in the hospital for 10days today and she is still running a fever and has absolutely no ANC because her body is so run down from that nasty I.C.E. Chemo they gave her. Her poor body just cant take anymore and is not bouncing back like it used to and its taking forever for the anitbiotics and antifungals to work. After 10days of not eating she is so weak that she shakes constantly to the point she looks like someone that has parkinsons, she cant hold her own body up and she cant even get out of bed by herself to pee....watching this and not being able to do anything about it is heart breaking as a parent, im her mom and i cant fix this. Yesterday i talked to hospice about the care she will eventually need once we go home and signed paperwork for them to be able to treat her, one of the papers i had to sign was whether or not to resucitate her or not if her heart fails at home...No Parent should EVER have to make those decisions for there child, no parent should OUTLIVE there child, my baby is 6yrs old and has NEVER had a chance to LIVE and now she is going to DIE....there is no way around it,the treatments are not working anymore,her tumors are chemo resistant and still growing,she is slowly dying and all we can do is watch and try to help her stay comfortable and make the last of her dreams come true. As her Mom i dont know how im to do all this, how to stand up and not fall down when she passes away, but i know i have to because i have another child who needs me....I have to remember Kyra needs me too and she is only 4....All of our lives are going to change and spiral out of control in the next couple of months,we are facing an uphill battle on keep her comfortable and keeping our own sanity while doing it. I love my baby she is my best friend i dont know how to live this life without hearing her voice. I dont know how to go on without hearing her say I love you More the same, because neither of us are allowed to love each other MORE then the other.......Or her telling me im the best mommy ever, or saying thank you mommy and me saying your welcome baby and her saying...no mommy i mean thank you for everything<3................Those are all words i dont know how i'll live without....and i dont know how ill live without her hugs and snuggling together in bed, i havent slept with anyone else in 4yrs,her lil body has a permenant indent in my side...How do i live without that??? How do i live without being her mommy anymore? These are all the questions that run through my head as a i sit here in the dark every day and night watching her sleep for 22 out of 24hrs everyday,these are the thoughts that are driving me slowly insane,along with the what if's. What if i had done this different,what if i had done more for her, could i have been a better mom to her and Kyra, could i have made them happier...these are the things that make me think that there might be a nut house in my future somewhere....these are the things that somedays there just arent enough anti-depressants in the world to make go away when your watching your child suffer.............................................Today my wonderful dad John brought Audrianna's puppy to the hospital to see her because all she has asked for is Geena for days,so i bundled her up and took her outside in her stroller and she hugged her puppy and smiled for the first time in forever

This lasted for about 10 mins before she didnt feel well and wanted to go back up to her room and go back to sleep, BUT she got to hug her puppy and that was all that mattered to her because there is nothing like a puppy's love to make a child smile. After Geena left Audrianna slept till about 730-8 when she had some wonderful visitors from Pennstate that came dressed up in costumes just to cheer her up because she missed the LIL Goblins Trick or Treat they had yesterday that Kyra got to goto so they brought it to her today...WE ARE PENNSTATE!

While the wonderful students from Pennstate were there cheering her up, her cousing Bret and his Fiance Lizz Showed up to add to the cheer

This 2 hour time period was the only time other then when she hugged her puppy that she was awake today and even then she was very cranky and upset because she didnt feel well and had a high fever, by the time everyone left she was exhausted, asking for pain meds and going right back to sleep. It is so hard to see your child push themselves just to be able to hug people they love without crying in pain, when 3 weeks ago she was bouncing on a trampoline......everything can change in an instant, something we all need to learn...with pediatric cancer and any type of cancer really there is no tomorrow...always live for today because there are no promises....FU CANCER for stealing our Tomorrows!!!!!