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Thursday, October 25, 2012

10 days still in the hospital

Audrianna has been in the hospital for 10days today and she is still running a fever and has absolutely no ANC because her body is so run down from that nasty I.C.E. Chemo they gave her. Her poor body just cant take anymore and is not bouncing back like it used to and its taking forever for the anitbiotics and antifungals to work. After 10days of not eating she is so weak that she shakes constantly to the point she looks like someone that has parkinsons, she cant hold her own body up and she cant even get out of bed by herself to pee....watching this and not being able to do anything about it is heart breaking as a parent, im her mom and i cant fix this. Yesterday i talked to hospice about the care she will eventually need once we go home and signed paperwork for them to be able to treat her, one of the papers i had to sign was whether or not to resucitate her or not if her heart fails at home...No Parent should EVER have to make those decisions for there child, no parent should OUTLIVE there child, my baby is 6yrs old and has NEVER had a chance to LIVE and now she is going to DIE....there is no way around it,the treatments are not working anymore,her tumors are chemo resistant and still growing,she is slowly dying and all we can do is watch and try to help her stay comfortable and make the last of her dreams come true. As her Mom i dont know how im to do all this, how to stand up and not fall down when she passes away, but i know i have to because i have another child who needs me....I have to remember Kyra needs me too and she is only 4....All of our lives are going to change and spiral out of control in the next couple of months,we are facing an uphill battle on keep her comfortable and keeping our own sanity while doing it. I love my baby she is my best friend i dont know how to live this life without hearing her voice. I dont know how to go on without hearing her say I love you More the same, because neither of us are allowed to love each other MORE then the other.......Or her telling me im the best mommy ever, or saying thank you mommy and me saying your welcome baby and her saying...no mommy i mean thank you for everything<3................Those are all words i dont know how i'll live without....and i dont know how ill live without her hugs and snuggling together in bed, i havent slept with anyone else in 4yrs,her lil body has a permenant indent in my side...How do i live without that??? How do i live without being her mommy anymore? These are all the questions that run through my head as a i sit here in the dark every day and night watching her sleep for 22 out of 24hrs everyday,these are the thoughts that are driving me slowly insane,along with the what if's. What if i had done this different,what if i had done more for her, could i have been a better mom to her and Kyra, could i have made them happier...these are the things that make me think that there might be a nut house in my future somewhere....these are the things that somedays there just arent enough anti-depressants in the world to make go away when your watching your child suffer.............................................Today my wonderful dad John brought Audrianna's puppy to the hospital to see her because all she has asked for is Geena for days,so i bundled her up and took her outside in her stroller and she hugged her puppy and smiled for the first time in forever
This lasted for about 10 mins before she didnt feel well and wanted to go back up to her room and go back to sleep, BUT she got to hug her puppy and that was all that mattered to her because there is nothing like a puppy's love to make a child smile. After Geena left Audrianna slept till about 730-8 when she had some wonderful visitors from Pennstate that came dressed up in costumes just to cheer her up because she missed the LIL Goblins Trick or Treat they had yesterday that Kyra got to goto so they brought it to her today...WE ARE PENNSTATE!
While the wonderful students from Pennstate were there cheering her up, her cousing Bret and his Fiance Lizz Showed up to add to the cheer
This 2 hour time period was the only time other then when she hugged her puppy that she was awake today and even then she was very cranky and upset because she didnt feel well and had a high fever, by the time everyone left she was exhausted, asking for pain meds and going right back to sleep. It is so hard to see your child push themselves just to be able to hug people they love without crying in pain, when 3 weeks ago she was bouncing on a trampoline......everything can change in an instant, something we all need to learn...with pediatric cancer and any type of cancer really there is no tomorrow...always live for today because there are no promises....FU CANCER for stealing our Tomorrows!!!!!

15 comments:

  1. just know the whole world is crying with you. This is tearing everyones hearts out. All we can do is to pray that God gives her a few more sunny days and and that mom stays sane and finds some peace

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  2. My heart is aching for you and Audrianna. Praying that God will watch over you all. Sending hugs your way!!!Sarah C.O.L.E'S Prayer Team www.colesfoundation.org

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  3. this tears my heart out I have had family die of cancer and I didnt get to say goodbye... but I have learn a little saying that helps a little but will never take her place me and my kids went to a church camp and one of the guest speakers told us all that when it is our time to go to heaven all our family will be waiting for us right inside the gate and to the left.... so please remember this... and also remember that we are sending prayers all the way from Texas and we have grown to love Adrianna and our heartsare breaking I cry with every post I read and hurt for you all also.... FU CANCER .... we love you all and please tell Adrianna we love her and look forward to hear more from her

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  4. audrianna i am so sorry you r hurting so much i hope you get to enjoy disney and all the other great things you wanted to do. you r a sweet n precious little princess and one day there will be stories about you like the princesses in disney movies and books you r a shining example of what a true princess looks like love n prayers always <3<3 <3

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  5. You will always be her mommy. Always.

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  6. Wish there were some words to help....praying so hard for you all.

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  7. There is no words that can say anything to you that will mean more than ur baby telling you tahnk you for everything and know they mean it. You are an amazing mom sicne day one for those girls and no matter what whe will always be with you watching over you and her little big sister. I love you guys I also wanted to ask Morganna wants to come see audri could i bring her up we are totally not sick any more she also wants to play with Kyra too. Love you guys so much.

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  8. Angela, I wish there was something we could say to ease the pain you are feeling. Anything to help you face what won't be...we love you. We pray for Audrianna and Kyra. We pray for God to give you peace and to hold you when your legs no longer can. We all send our love and hugs to you guys. Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers....always!

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  9. My heart breaks for your family. I have been following you for sometime now and I have been a cheerleader for your babygirl. As a mother of a 2 year old i do not know how you are doing it. I wish there was something i could do or say to make any of this better. I wish i could take away her pain and the pain and heartache of your family. You are forever in my heart and prayers!!

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  10. If tears could cure cancer, Audrianna would be bouncing on that trampoline right this minute. Words escape me right now, just know that we love you guys.

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  11. Angie for 25 years we have been there for each other. Although we may not talk everyday or see each other every month. We both know a phone call is all we need to be there for each other. I would take all of Audri's cancer myself if possible. What's one more.... At least your beautiful daughter could have a "normal" childhood. She is your daughter so she will never be normal..... LOL Always know that you Audri, and Kyra are in my heart and thoughts. I am sorry I cannot be by your side like others, but I am so glad you have people with you.... Love you my sister of my heart!!!

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  12. No words......just tears flowing down my face :'-( I could never imagine ur pain!! I have a 7yr old lil girl, and when I look at audrianna pics, I see the same lil toes as my daughter, same lil fingers as my daughter, and can't fathom the pain u must be in. I'm am so very sorry (and angry) for what this lil princess has to endure!!!! Its just not fair that sweet, innocence children have to suffer.......truely heartbroken!
    Much Love, Prayers, and Hugs to your whole family <3

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  13. My heart is hurting for you & for Audrianna. I read your words & can't imagine .... Noone should have to endure this ... noone. I think of y'all all the time, pray for comfort for you both & for strength for you both. I love you both .

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  14. You will always be her mommmy :) - You are a wonderful Mother, and they both know that too! You are an amazing woman - a true hero of mine. You know I will never say that I can imagine how you feel because I can't, but you are a warrior and have withstood more than any human should ever have to - and you did so for Audrianna and Kyra. I love you - I am here if you need me - anytime geri.

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  15. I agree with chrissy47 and gericelebraties. Despite this terrible situation you will ALWAYS be Audriana's mommy because that is a fundamental part of who you ARE.
    Virtual hug

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