As i sit here tonight watching my 2 beautiful little girls sleep all i can think is please please please let the scan come back normal...please please please dont make me have to tell them any bad news, please let them continue to be children not Small Adults, which is what kids with cancer and there siblings become. I think every adult in my family is terrified of tomorrow, terrified this scan will show relapse and we dont know how to deal with that...But we are also trying with all we have to be POSITIVE and say she is NOT RELAPSING she is so tough and she has already beaten this so there is no way in hell this scan will come back bad.I think the worst part of the scan is the wait to find out the results, the waiting is enough to make you crazy and your hair turn grey overnight. I ask that anyone reading this says a special prayer to god/the universe/the goddess...anything you believe in and ask them to please let Audrianna still be N.E.D. and not have to suffer anymore!!!!!!
On a Postive note after her scan we are going to act like nothing happened for a bit and get in the family car and drive to Columbus Ohio so the girls can participate in a Fashion show Hosted by Nellie's Catwalk for Kids, they are going to be Models and they are super excited. I have always said i would NEVER stop Audrianna from doing anything she wanted to do incase there were no tomorrows, so even though we have the scan results hanging over our heads we are still going to let her be the best Model she can Be<3 Thank You Nellie for Making this trip possible and sponsoring our family so that we were able to travel to Ohio and be a part of this!!!!!
Goodnight everyone, dont forget those special prayers tonight<3
All Donations goto Audrianna's Butterfly Garden and to help start the Audrianna's Foundation
M&T Bank
Hazle Township, PA 18202
(570) 450-7830
/ Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Scared, Depressed and Trying to Smile
Ever since i talked to the doctor on wednesday i have been living in a constant state of fear and worry,wondering if Audrianna has relapsed.Both Audrianna and Kyra have been sick since friday and i am praying with all that i have that the spot they saw on the CT is an Infection due to this wonderful summertime cold...BUT that's the logical side of me, the Terrified Cancer Mom side of me hasnt been able to be that optimistic and is still just putting on the Fake Smile for everyone to get through the days. Now with Audrianna being sick and having a Cough im afraid they are going to be rescheduling her Scan due to the fact they wont sedate her if she is sick and then we have to wait LONGER and the Waiting is the worst part....the Not Knowing is worse then the Knowing. Once you know the results one way or another then you can move on and figure out a plan from there,you can handle whatever they tell you even the bad stuff because you have to...but the waiting uuughh the waiting can make you feel like your suffocating/drowining and never gonna come back up for air until you get that phone call that tells you one way or another...relapse or clear scan!!!!!
I tried to take a break from the worry this weekend and we spent the weekend with Great Friends...Gwen,Alana and Kathy came in from NY and we had some retail therapy and lots of swimming even though the girls werent feeling the best. I just want to say Thank You to all of them for helping me Smile through this weekend and giving me and the girls a great time and lots of love.....xoxooxx
But now the weekend is over, everyone has gone home and its just me alone with my thoughts again.I had such a meltdown earlier i was yelling at everyone for no reason and i hope they will forgive me but i had to let some of this anger out before i just burn up. I even locked myself in the kitchen and threw things at the wall and one of them was my New Nonstick Frying Pan which i Dented the whole side of and then sat on the floor and cried because i broke it uughh the emotions go from mad, to sad, to happy to i dont give a fuck in 5 seconds flat and i cant stop them.I probably wont be able to reign it all in until i know the results of her MIBG Scan and you know what...THAT SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS....NO Parent should have to worry every second of every day if there child is going to die, no parent should have to bury there child, no parent should have to hear the words your child has cancer, or there is nothing else we can do so take your child home and make them comfortable uuughhh I HATE CANCER, I HATE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO FUNDING FOR PEDS CANCER AND OUR KIDS SUFFER EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!
I am so angry right now that most of the time i feel like im living in a red haze but its just like when she was first diagnosed, if i let go of the anger which is holding me up, i feel like i'll fall down and never get up and thats not what she needs, she needs me to be strong for her.So right now i am staying angry to stay strong and for some of you that's going to sound CRAZY and to some of you thats going to sound completely normal and you'll understand what i mean.
Please keep praying for All of Us that we can handle this pressure and get through this and that she stays N.E.D. and that damn spot on the CT was Nothing because i dont know how to explain to my 3yr and 5yr old that my 5yr old has cancer again and they will once again be seperated while audrianna suffers in pain and that there might be a chance they could be seperated forever-:(
I tried to take a break from the worry this weekend and we spent the weekend with Great Friends...Gwen,Alana and Kathy came in from NY and we had some retail therapy and lots of swimming even though the girls werent feeling the best. I just want to say Thank You to all of them for helping me Smile through this weekend and giving me and the girls a great time and lots of love.....xoxooxx
But now the weekend is over, everyone has gone home and its just me alone with my thoughts again.I had such a meltdown earlier i was yelling at everyone for no reason and i hope they will forgive me but i had to let some of this anger out before i just burn up. I even locked myself in the kitchen and threw things at the wall and one of them was my New Nonstick Frying Pan which i Dented the whole side of and then sat on the floor and cried because i broke it uughh the emotions go from mad, to sad, to happy to i dont give a fuck in 5 seconds flat and i cant stop them.I probably wont be able to reign it all in until i know the results of her MIBG Scan and you know what...THAT SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS....NO Parent should have to worry every second of every day if there child is going to die, no parent should have to bury there child, no parent should have to hear the words your child has cancer, or there is nothing else we can do so take your child home and make them comfortable uuughhh I HATE CANCER, I HATE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO FUNDING FOR PEDS CANCER AND OUR KIDS SUFFER EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!
I am so angry right now that most of the time i feel like im living in a red haze but its just like when she was first diagnosed, if i let go of the anger which is holding me up, i feel like i'll fall down and never get up and thats not what she needs, she needs me to be strong for her.So right now i am staying angry to stay strong and for some of you that's going to sound CRAZY and to some of you thats going to sound completely normal and you'll understand what i mean.
Please keep praying for All of Us that we can handle this pressure and get through this and that she stays N.E.D. and that damn spot on the CT was Nothing because i dont know how to explain to my 3yr and 5yr old that my 5yr old has cancer again and they will once again be seperated while audrianna suffers in pain and that there might be a chance they could be seperated forever-:(
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Ct Scan
Audrianna had a CT Scan on Tuesday the 19th and today the 20th her doctor called me with the results. ANY Cancer parent knows you never get GOOD results withing 24hrs, i knew as soon as the hospitals number came up that something was wrong and i was right...Her Doctors saw a spot/nodule on the scan and were worried enough to push her to the top of the list and get an MIBG Scan setup for thursday the 28th BEFORE they called me. I am terrified of relapse, there is no known cure for relapsed neuroblastoma and the fight is even harder and my god im not sure she can handle a harder fight then the last one!!!!I am walking around in an emotional haze right now, all i can think is my baby looks great, she has gained weight, has a tan,been being a normal healthy kid for almost a year while she was N.E.D. and now they think its back omg how do i tell her she has to go through this again?? How do i tell her she has to get another broviac, has to have more chemo, has to spend time away from her sister aka her best friend...how do i explain any of this to a 5yr old when i cant even comprehend it?? I am a basket case right now and i refuse to tell her anything till we get the results of the MIBG and if she has relapsed i will do what i did last time and sit my baby down and tell her she has cancer and its back and expalin all the treatments step by step and ill do it all calmly with lots of hugs and smiles while im dying inside. I will put on my brave fake smile and make sure she is OK and her sister is Ok and hope to god the Happy Pills the doctor gave me work enough to keep that fake smile in place through all of thise!!!! I am hoping with all that i have in me that there was a shadow on the scan, or she has some type of viral infection making her lymphnodes become enlarged or anything other then relapse dammit and do you know how messed up it is that ANY PARENT has to WISH for infection rather then cancer?? Bangs Head off Desk....FUCK YOU CANCER, LEAVE MY FRIENDS AND MY BABY ALONE!!!!!! I WISH CANCER WOULD GET CANCER AND DIE!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Roller Coaster Of a Life
I know i havent written in a while but its been a very long roller coaster ride around here.My Husband lost his job again,my job ended in april and things have just been crazy around here. I thought once the chemo was done and Audrianna wasnt inpatient in the hospital all the time it would start to calm down around here but man was i wrong.People think that once your child is N.E.D.(no evidence of disease)that means your child is cured and nothing else is wrong with them and believe me I WISH THAT WAS TRUE!!! Audrianna is off chemo now and she is doing well but there are alot of other issues we are dealing with now like her hearing loss,the drop foot in her legs,the air space disease in her lungs and the biggest one the PTSD. My baby doesnt sleep because she is so afraid if she falls asleep she *has to goto god* and she fights falling asleep so she wont die. Everynight she asks *do i have to goto god tonight mommy* and i assure her that no god made her better because it wasnt her time to be with him yet and it wont be for a very long time but she doesnt believe me and without benadryl she wont sleep at all and then when she does sleep she has nightmares all night and wakes up crying alot,now her poor sister is doing the same thing,waking up with nightmares uugh so when i say we dont sleep...i mean WE DONT SLEEP!!!
It's very hard to be a happy functioning adult on 1-3 hrs asleep a night and sometimes the lack of sleep and depression really gets to me to the point all i want to do is lay down,but i get up and go because my kids need me.People also dont understand that, they cant imagine what you have to be depressed about,they say i should be smiling because she is doing better...well i am smiling on the outside where they can see...its just the inside that's slowly dying from fear and nobody realizes that fear unless they have lived it themselves....I FEAR EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY that the next test/scan she gets will come back that the cancer is attacking her tiny body again, i Fear everyday that when i tell her she doesnt have to goto god...im lying to her....i fear that she wont grow to be an adult, i wont see her have her first real boyfriend, i wont see her goto prom or graduate or become a wife/mother....i Fear these things everyday and believe me the fear is enough to eat you away from the inside out and make you crazy and if it wasnt for the anti-depression meds i take everyday, i Fear that the Fear would win and i would really lose my mind. Personally i think that every parent of a sick child has these same fears and i wish that the other people around us would try harder to understand this rather then treating us like we are bad/crazy people. Someday i hope this fear goes away and that just one day i can make it through a whole day without being afraid of losing my child and then Maybe i can be *Normal* again, but i doubt it. So today and everyday for the rest of my life i will fight to help find a cure for this Horrible disease in hopes that no other parent/grandparent/brother/sister has to go through life living with this FEAR.
Audrianna's Wish page was started to help her get her one wish to meet Hannah Montana and even though her wish never came true, we now use her page to help her and other kids fighting this disease. I advocate for every sick child i see and we goto every fundraiser we can manage to get to so we can support other families going through what we have gone through and i try to smile and tell them it will be ok you child can beat this they are strong, but in my heart i fear im wrong even though i hope im right. Everytime one of these babies loses there fight its like i lost one of my own children and the depression takes over for a bit till i pull myself back up and my husband tells me i shouldnt get attached but how can i not? These are beautiful children who didnt deserve anything bad to ever happen to them and yet they are slowly dying from this horrible disease called cancer,how can i not get attached and try to help....i cant!!!
People tell me i should give all this fear and anger up to GOD and let him help me heal, and my daughter believes in god and tells me she has seen him and his angels....BUT i get very angry and god and feel like he has let us all down so its very hard for me to let everything go and hope god fixes it...i mean where has good been for these babies? WHY hasnt he helped them? What the hell kind of plan can he have for them that lets them live in so much pain for so little time and leave behind there suffering families? I Know I know this is gonna anger people and im gonna get grief for this but its how i feel sorry!!!
Anyway back to Audrianna and sorry for my ramblings....right now audrianna is about to finish her first year of pre-school and her teacher thinks she should do another year before going to kindergarten but its up to me and im not sure, should i put her in Kindergarten or keep her in pre-school ugh how do i make this choice? Her Teacher thinks she needs more social skills and she would be overwhelmed in a whole day of K-Garten because she is so shy...but is being shy a reason to keep her back?? This is something i have to think about and talk to her teacher and the new school and see what everyone thinks and make a decision. Audrianna finally got her permenant hearing aides and she seems to be doing better with them in even if she doesnt always want to wear them, im hoping this will help with her speech which is another reason her teacher thinks she needs to stay back.I just want my beautiful baby to start everything on time and normal so she doesnt miss anything else in life, but i also dont want her to fall behind. Anybody have any opinions on this id like to hear them <3
This coming weekend the 22nd of May our family is going to be in Scranton for Red Carpet event to raise money for pediatric Cancer research and the girls get to wear fancy dresses and they are so excited and so am i, i cant wait to help educate people on how this disease affects everyone in a family, not just the child and how there is NO Money for reasearch to find a cure for our babies!!!! I want to thank everyone who is coming to this event and who has come to all the other events we have had and for supporting Audrianna and our Family. Much love to all of you!!!
It's very hard to be a happy functioning adult on 1-3 hrs asleep a night and sometimes the lack of sleep and depression really gets to me to the point all i want to do is lay down,but i get up and go because my kids need me.People also dont understand that, they cant imagine what you have to be depressed about,they say i should be smiling because she is doing better...well i am smiling on the outside where they can see...its just the inside that's slowly dying from fear and nobody realizes that fear unless they have lived it themselves....I FEAR EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY that the next test/scan she gets will come back that the cancer is attacking her tiny body again, i Fear everyday that when i tell her she doesnt have to goto god...im lying to her....i fear that she wont grow to be an adult, i wont see her have her first real boyfriend, i wont see her goto prom or graduate or become a wife/mother....i Fear these things everyday and believe me the fear is enough to eat you away from the inside out and make you crazy and if it wasnt for the anti-depression meds i take everyday, i Fear that the Fear would win and i would really lose my mind. Personally i think that every parent of a sick child has these same fears and i wish that the other people around us would try harder to understand this rather then treating us like we are bad/crazy people. Someday i hope this fear goes away and that just one day i can make it through a whole day without being afraid of losing my child and then Maybe i can be *Normal* again, but i doubt it. So today and everyday for the rest of my life i will fight to help find a cure for this Horrible disease in hopes that no other parent/grandparent/brother/sister has to go through life living with this FEAR.
Audrianna's Wish page was started to help her get her one wish to meet Hannah Montana and even though her wish never came true, we now use her page to help her and other kids fighting this disease. I advocate for every sick child i see and we goto every fundraiser we can manage to get to so we can support other families going through what we have gone through and i try to smile and tell them it will be ok you child can beat this they are strong, but in my heart i fear im wrong even though i hope im right. Everytime one of these babies loses there fight its like i lost one of my own children and the depression takes over for a bit till i pull myself back up and my husband tells me i shouldnt get attached but how can i not? These are beautiful children who didnt deserve anything bad to ever happen to them and yet they are slowly dying from this horrible disease called cancer,how can i not get attached and try to help....i cant!!!
People tell me i should give all this fear and anger up to GOD and let him help me heal, and my daughter believes in god and tells me she has seen him and his angels....BUT i get very angry and god and feel like he has let us all down so its very hard for me to let everything go and hope god fixes it...i mean where has good been for these babies? WHY hasnt he helped them? What the hell kind of plan can he have for them that lets them live in so much pain for so little time and leave behind there suffering families? I Know I know this is gonna anger people and im gonna get grief for this but its how i feel sorry!!!
Anyway back to Audrianna and sorry for my ramblings....right now audrianna is about to finish her first year of pre-school and her teacher thinks she should do another year before going to kindergarten but its up to me and im not sure, should i put her in Kindergarten or keep her in pre-school ugh how do i make this choice? Her Teacher thinks she needs more social skills and she would be overwhelmed in a whole day of K-Garten because she is so shy...but is being shy a reason to keep her back?? This is something i have to think about and talk to her teacher and the new school and see what everyone thinks and make a decision. Audrianna finally got her permenant hearing aides and she seems to be doing better with them in even if she doesnt always want to wear them, im hoping this will help with her speech which is another reason her teacher thinks she needs to stay back.I just want my beautiful baby to start everything on time and normal so she doesnt miss anything else in life, but i also dont want her to fall behind. Anybody have any opinions on this id like to hear them <3
This coming weekend the 22nd of May our family is going to be in Scranton for Red Carpet event to raise money for pediatric Cancer research and the girls get to wear fancy dresses and they are so excited and so am i, i cant wait to help educate people on how this disease affects everyone in a family, not just the child and how there is NO Money for reasearch to find a cure for our babies!!!! I want to thank everyone who is coming to this event and who has come to all the other events we have had and for supporting Audrianna and our Family. Much love to all of you!!!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Aaron Carter Fundraiser
Hi Everyone,
I have been asked to post this here since it seems some people are having trouble figuring out how to pay online for the tickets-:)....Here on Audrianna's Blog right below the picture of the girls is a Button that says DONATE, that leads you to paypal and all you have to do is enter the amount your paying for your tickets and in the subject line please enter Aaron Carter Fundraiser and let us know if your getting just tickets to the show or for the show and the meet-n-greet.
Here is the Link to the show and the info on how much the tickets cost... http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=141776455876376
Thank You All for Your Love and Support of our Beautiful Daughter<3
Angela Aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy
I have been asked to post this here since it seems some people are having trouble figuring out how to pay online for the tickets-:)....Here on Audrianna's Blog right below the picture of the girls is a Button that says DONATE, that leads you to paypal and all you have to do is enter the amount your paying for your tickets and in the subject line please enter Aaron Carter Fundraiser and let us know if your getting just tickets to the show or for the show and the meet-n-greet.
Here is the Link to the show and the info on how much the tickets cost... http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=141776455876376
Thank You All for Your Love and Support of our Beautiful Daughter<3
Angela Aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Sad Day
Today we lost another Precious Angel to CANCER the most evil word in the damn universe:( Our Dear Friend Kelsey Burnsworth who has been fighting Leukemia since she was 2 and fought the most courageous fight, lost her battle today and earned her wings-:( My Heart Bleeds for her family and the fact that they have to walk through the rest of there lives without her...her precious spirit will NEVER be forgotten and she will live on in all of our memories but that doesnt make this better or ok!!!!!!!!! Kelsey was a wonderful girl and had a spirit like no other, she always put others before herself...on Audrianna's 4th birthday last year we had a princess party and she asked Kelsey to play Cinderella for her, Kelsey went out and bought her own wig,dress,gloves,GLASS SLIPPERS and she WAS CINDERELLA...even though she was so sick that day she drove about 3hrs to get to Audrianna's Party and play Cinderella and didnt tell Anyone she was sick till she left and ended up in the ER the next day but said it was all worth it to see the smile on Audrianna's Face...that's how ill remember her forever,selfless,generous and caring=Kelsey-:)
I dont have the heart to tell Audrianna that Kelsey is gone, its another loss im not sure she can handle because im not handling it,so for now im not going to tell her i dont want to add to the PTSD and start the nightmares again:(
Through every step of this Journey with Audrianna i have held strong and swore i wouldnt breakdown untill she was better, well i think i might have finally reached my breaking point..i cant sleep, or stop crying and it's all just to damn much, when are they going to find a cure and stop our babies from suffering and dying????? I had to call off work today because i couldnt stop crying long enough to go in and sit down with customers..guess its time for new happy pills because Mine arent happy anymore.I just want there to be a DAY where NOBODY gets told there Child Has Cancer and Nobody Gets told there child is going to DIE and Dammit, i want all the Babies/Kids we have met who are fighting this Courageous fight To GET WELL and go home and play with there siblings and kiss there parents,i dont want to see another child i love lose there battle.
Kelsey...Fly High Baby and Teach those Angel's some Fashion Sense....here's to You always and forever Princess Cinderella...Much Love and Respect Always in Our Hearts <3
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Insomnia Post
I know its been a long time since i posted last but after all the criticism i was getting around christmas i just got tired of listening to people bitch everytime i blogged so i was taking a break. Well since then the girls have had a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS and i want to say a big thank you to everyone that did help make that possible.
Audrianna is doing really well in school and she loves going to class and now has 4 Boyfriends according to her lol omg she is only 4 and has 4 b/f's what am i gonna do when she is a teenager?? Kyra is having a bit more mommy time since her sister is in school and Mommy has gone back to work so its a very hectic time around here.This is the first time i have been able to go back to work since Audrianna was diagnosed,its been a MAJOR adjustment for all of us,audri hates being away from me for so many hours of the day and Kyra was just getting me back all to herself and had to give me up again But we are working it out the best we can and doing ok so far.I keep trying to tell the girls its only for 4-5 months and then mommy will be home again till next year since i work in a tax office, but at the age of 2 and 4 they dont understand that.Right now they are either with daddy after he gets off work or with Nana so they are ok till about bedtime and then they get cranky and want mommy, thankfully most nights i can get home in time to put them to sleep and then all is well till morning:)
I am adding a few new pictures of the girls in some really cute hats there Nana Made for them so everyone can see how healthy and happy they both look right now!
Audrianna has been sick for about a month and a half now with a sinus infection that wouldnt end, now she is finishing up her 3rd antibiotic and it looks like it has worked, thank god. Feb 10th she is FINALLY going to be able to get her MIBG Scan to see if the Cancer is still N.E.D. and everytime i think about it i get so sick to my stomach and depressed i just want to sit and cry. My heart and Head are not working together here, one says she is fine and still N.E.D. and the other is Terrified she isnt and they are going to tell us the Cancer is growing again. I am trying to ignore the scared/crazy part of me and go with the sensible she is fine part of me but it is so hard to do, anyone thats ever walked in my shoes will understand what im talking about.When your child is so ill you dont know how they survive it you can handle that because you know what your fighting,you can see it...BUT when Your child is N.E.D. and they look like nothing is wrong with them, you dont know how to handle the Fear because you dont have anything left to fight. Maybe because i have seen other kids who have been N.E.D. and who have looked perfectly fine,hair grown back, weight back, playing with there siblings or cousins and then they say they dont feel well and BAM the cancer is back and spreads really fast and they dont make it....this is my biggest fear, being told it's growing again and there is nothing they can do...its the fear that keeps me from sleeping, its the fear that makes me so overprotective, its the fear that makes me spoil them both so much and never say NO to anything either of them want even if its with my very last dollar, it's that fear that no matter what i do it runs my life...it's that fear that she might not be here tomorrow that teaches EVERY CANCER PARENT TO LIVE FOR TODAY,BECAUSE SOMETIMES TOMORROW DOESN'T COME.
Sometimes the depression is so bad even the pretty little pills the doctor gives you just arent enough but you still smile for your children and everyone else who is watching you and cry on the inside where nobody can see. This is how most cancer parents make it through the day. Everyone is always telling me how strong i am, and how level headed i am and how they dont know how i deal with this as well as i do....My answer is this....I DON"T it's all a Front,every Cancer Parent becomes a Great Actor/Actress..we might look put together to you and to our kids but really we are slowly dying inside because we cant kiss the hurts away from our babies and thats our job as parents.
Please continue to keep Audrianna,Kyra and the rest of our family in your prayers and pray with all you have that her scans are ok. I dont know if any of us can handle bad news, her sister is so attached to her they are like 2 pees in a pod and one would be lost without the other and well i just dont know how id walk through it if i lost either of them.
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