Withdrawing

Everyone keeps asking how im holding up,honestly i dont know how to answer that because im not im just going through the motions and doing all the things i have done before so that nothing is different or unusual for Audrianna so she doesnt get scared. I do know that i have been closing myself off and shutting down because i feel like if i keep talking about this, if i talk to my family or friends and tell them whats really inside me that i will fall down and i will Never get back up because there wont be enough pieces left of me.I know that i am probably hurting my parents,my brothers,my friends,my husband and everyone else that is close to me but i cant i just cant let go right now...i have this steel rod of determination in my back right now to get Audrianna all the things she needs/wants so that Never will we look back with regret and say we should have done that while she was here...i want to look back at her life and smile and say Wow look at all the things we did in the time she was here, she may not have been here forever but she sure taught us how to live while she was with us. No 6yr old should have or know what a Bucket List is...My 6yr old does. And the first thing on top of her list is GoTo Kindergarten(something she should be doing anyway)something other kids/parents take for granted my child is literally dying to do....She wants to ride in a helicopter, Go up in a Hot Air Balloon,Go Back to Disney and while she is there swim with the dolphins,Go back to Ny City and the big toys-r-us and ride the ferris wheel one more time...She wants a wheelchair for her american girl doll because then they can ride around in them together....and so many other things im sure that she hasnt told me yet because she isnt really feeling well enough to have a long converstation...This beautiful soul was given to me to love and cherish and right now that's what im concentrating on doing...Loving her and giving her everything she has asked for to the best of my ability...so if i tune you all out and i dont call you and i dont cry when you think i should because its unhealthy to hold it all in please just know that this is how im surviving right now...one step/breathe at a time and dont hate me for shutting you out, respect me for holding on and standing upright to do what needs to be done.....I do want to thank you all for being there and for loving us and supporting us, for reaching out and lifting us up...for helping make her dreams come true...please know that everything that has been done for us throughout the last 3 1/2yrs has been appreciated more then you will ever know....the help with christmas gifts,the trip to sesame place,the trips to NYC, the trip to the beach on long island,the benefits held to help our family...All of those things are memories we never would have had with Audrianna if it wasnt for all the loving and caring people that have helped and loved her....So to all of you Thank You<3