Darkness

There hasn't been much light since you left us baby,everyday I fight the darkness that threatens to swallow me whole and some days are just so damn much harder then others.It's the beginning of October and your sister is talking about what she wants to be for Halloween and I should be getting the flyers done and the boxes setup for the toy drive and yet all I want to do is lay in bed with the covers over my head and forget its happening.This world is just so damn sad and lonely without your infectious laugh and smile...I ache everyday because I cant feel your tiny little arms around me anymore and its getting harder and harder to keep the sound of your voice fresh in my head.I know I should be stronger then this,that I should be up and moving all the time and getting things done...I feel like im looking at myself from a distance and the shell of me that I see is so horribly sad,lonely and has no life left in her but I don't know how to fix that shell I have become.Talking doesn't seem to help, holding it in doesn't seem to help, yelling and screaming doesn't help, being angry doesn't help...And some days I just think everyone would be better off if that shell of me just went away.................I cant believe that this is going to be the 2nd Halloween without you already, that its been that long since your last Halloween, hell the only Halloween you actually were well enough to go out and get your own candy and you didn't have to reverse trick or treat as you called it and walk around the hospital giving all your candy to the nurses because you were to sick to eat it.I remember how cute you were telling your nurses they had to do a trick so you would give them a treat and that we were the one room they all wanted to go into because of your chocolate stash(and because you were just so stinking cute they couldn't resist you). I MISS YOUR FACE BABY....that's something Kyra started saying to me when I went away to Mississippi for the Rumble,she would call me and tell me she missed my face and god do I understand that because I miss your face every second of everyday.....A lot of ppl I know have lost there lives to suicide and I used to judge them and say how selfish are they look what they did to the people they left behind BUT now I understand it...they aren't cowards they don't take the easy way out and its not something they can stop...its the disease that eats at them everyday, the depression, the darkness that envelops them till they cant breathe, until finally it wins. Everyday since you left I fight that darkness and some days are so much worse then oters...I try so hard baby to smile and be happy for Kyra and go on with life with a smile so I don't end in a mental institution or worse leave your sister alone BUT somedays I just want to lay there with the covers over my head and pretend that I can still hear your voice, feel the touch of your little hand as you snuggle against me and just cry it out....I have been in a funk the last month that I am just having such a hard time pulling myself out of,i have shut out all my friends and family because I don't want to dump anymore of my crap on them so instead I internalize it all and just fester in my grief.....I was asked recently how do I survive the depression...my answer is I don't but I fake it really well...most people just see me as a bitch but what they don't see is that im hurting so much I don't know how to deal and if I come off as a bitch its just me trying to survive another day of darkness.....today is a dark day BUT I got out of bed,took a shower and was gonna take Kyra to homecoming until she said she didn't want to go and ya know what I didn't force her to go because I really didn't have it in me to fight her and deal with people once we were there..i just didn't have it in me to smile today baby...so instead I let her play with her friend, I sat to write to you and now im gonna go pull the covers back over my head until tomorrow...sigh..I love You More the Same Audri