It has been a very long time since i have been here letting out my feelings or even updating on Audrianna but i just havent had the getup and go to do this anymore. The longer she is sick the worse the depression gets for me and even though i am on medication and i am fighting it everyday it doesnt mean sometimes i dont lose the fight. I put on a happy and couragous face for everyone around me and i go on doing all the things i need to do because well thats what my children and my family need to see, but inside i feel like im suffocating.I know we just got news that her cancer is STABLE which to most people is a huge YAY STABLE but to a mom who has been waiting for the words NED, stable sucks.It just seems like everytime we take 5 steps forward there are ten steps waiting for us to fall back on and as the chemo goes on she gets sicker and crankier each hospital visit and then at home she tries so hard to be a kid, she goes ice skating and roller skating and to hockey games,with granny,poppy or nana for a few hrs and everyone thinks she is NORMAL, but what they dont see is the whiny,cranky,over-exhausted child that is pushing herself so hard to be NORMAL so that she doesnt miss anything incase the damn chemo doesnt work.Can you imagine being 5 and having that thought run through your head all the time?? I CAN because im with her 24/7 and i see how she is but no most people cant or wont imagine that because its just to damn hard to deal with. I keep all this inside and to myself because well its just to depressing to share with everyone around me,why bring everyone else down to where im feeling?? I shut myself off, i dont talk to my mom who i know i always there for me,i dont talk to the few friends i have left because im afraid if i do ill scare them away with everyone else that has gone there own way since audrianna got sick, i just try and go on and be normal like she does and lately its catching up to me...i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to goto work...i just want to sleep and hope when i wake up this was all a nightmare.Today it was a beautiful 70 degree day and i sent the girls to a hockey game with daddy and slept till almost 7pm, not because i was tired...but because im so depressed i just didnt care to get up and move.My girls went to hockey and ice skated with the players and had a blast with there dad and i missed it because i didnt want to get up and take a shower and i had no motivation to do it,thats what depression steals from you, moments you can never get back.Im hoping tomorrow is a better day and i can get up,get motivated and do the things i need to do but then i hope that everyday and some days i just lose the battle.
It's also hard because there are so many kids you come to love in the hospital that are sick and you try so hard to be strong for them and there families also and when something happens to one of them it's a kick in the teeth,you just lost a family member. I know all the mom's with sick children reading this will understand and i know some of you will go sheesh she is really making this blog about her and whining when it should be about her child, but thats the point it is about Audrianna and how being there for her every second of the day,loving her through the vomitting and the pain, eats the parent up inside...i wouldnt trade a second of it or be anywhere else But it still hurts me everytime something hurts her. Ugh maybe its the time change, maybe its 70degree weather in march thats throwing me off i dunno but i wish i could just go back to being my happy self, instead of the shell of me that sits in the dark crying and eating chocolate...watching my ass expand:(