Sorrow and Happiness

This has been a very long emotional roller coaster of a month. My husband lost his job and audrianna's main source of insurance,then his unemployment got denied! So right now we have no income and have used most of Audrianna's savings account to pay the bills for the last 2 months so we didnt end up in the street,sigh. I worry everyday how i am going to keep a roof over my kids head, food in there mouths,and keep all the utilities on PLUS christmas is coming:( Why do things like this always happen around the holidays??Halloween is what 3 weeks away and the girls wants costumes i cant afford and momma cannot sew lmao me and sewing machines do NOT get along so we will be finding things in there closets to make homemade costumes this year no biggie. But hubs always had a xmas bonus we used to pay for xmas presents and now that he was fired he lost that too BLAh i know for adults xmas isnt a big deal but for a 2 and 4yr old it sure is,but whateve4r ill figure it out i always do...super mom to the rescue.
We lost 2 of our dear friends to Cancer this month, first Tim Martin a friend to every person he ever met passed away from esophical cancer and less then 2 weeks later we lost Dear Princess Emily who was only 4yrs old and one of *OUR KIDS* from our hospital and one of Audrianna's best friends. Nobody should ever have to bury there child and my heart is still breaking for Janet,i dont know how she is standing upright because i dont think i would be:( Emily's viewing was one of the hardest things i think i have ever had to do in my life,i was ok untill i saw her and kissed her goodbye,then i went outside and threw up because i just couldnt handle it and im not even her Mom,just her loving *aunt* More people need to know about OUR KIDS and More people need to fight this HORRIBLE DISEASE CALLED CANCER,dammit we need more funding for pediatric cancer so maybe they can work on finding a cure and no more mothers will bury there children!!!!This was the sorrow we felt this month and my beautiful 4yr old made herself feel better about Emmie by telling me...*It's ok Mommy My Angel Kelly is in Heaven and she will take Emily's Hand and show her around so she isnt scared* that was the saddest of all for me, i cried and cried that my baby even had to know what death was let alone be so damn wise about it! Any Cancer Parent can tell you our kids grow up way to fast and they are really Old Souls in babies bodies and it is so depressing because really all we want for them is to be kids and never have to think about Cancer or death again.
Our Good News and Happiness is overshadowed by the sorrow because we feel guilty that our baby is ok when someone elses child isnt:( BUT Audrianna is in remission and she is going to have one last surgery for a hernia reduction and then have her broviac/Port taken out.When i told her she asked me if she could have an I KICKED CANCERS BUTT PARTY lol i said yes and then had to think omg how will i pay for that!!!!! So even though we had the best news a cancer parent could ever ask for there is still worry and pain to go with it.Last time she was in remission it lasted 3 1/2months and the cancer came back,im terrified to let myself be happy about the remission because i feel if i do she will get sick again...stupid huh? Well welcome to being a cancer mom because all those stupid thoughts hit you over and over, along with the what ifs, what if i did this or what if i did that?What if i hadnt dont this or what if i had done that, all those things that will drive you crazy if you let them.
Oh well off to get Audrianna off the bus and try to think happy thoughts!