God im so tired:(

I am so tired of my baby being sick and so tired of having to watch her in pain:(I just wish this nightmare was over and she was healthy and happy again. Unless people have walked in these shoes they dont understand, they say they do but they dont. Just like the doctors say oh we understand...BULLSHIT...unless they have lost or are in the process of losing a child they dont understand. They dont understand the anger that you feel, the anger at god,the anger at medical protocols and hospital beauracracy,the anger that you cant kiss your baby and make her feel better,i have so much anger and i dont know how to let it go because some days the anger is the ONLY thing keeping me standing upright.The docs dont get that the longer your here away from home and your support system the crazier you feel sometimes. Plus you get so attached to the other kids here that when something happens to one of them it's like something happening to one of your own, one of our friends here just relapsed with leukemia for the 4th time,she is a beautiful girl and has had leukemia since she was 3 and now she is 18 and relapsed yet again,this time she needs a stem-cell transplant and a donor to survive. HOW can you tell me is that fair and what has this child done to hurt anyone and why is she suffering? AND OMG if one more peron tells me that GOD DOESNT GIVE YOU MORE THEN YOU CAN HANDLE i think ill just start screaming and NEVER STOP!!! Ok sorry i guess im done feeling sorry for myself now on a Better note. The docs upped the pain meds audrianna is getting by mouth and it's not killing the pain but it's helping keep her sedated enough that she isnt screaming in pain which is better,as far as im concerned if she sleeps through this 5days stretch and wakes up feeling better thats fine with me. I guess since she is finally sleeping i should get some sleep since neither of us have slept much in the last 2 days and im so emotionally and physically exhausted its not even funny.sigh,night all and thanks for letting me vent!

I HATE HOSPITALS AND THERE STUPID FUCKING RULES

Ok so today has been the shittiest day ever so far grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!Audrianna is supposed to be on a Pain Pump(PCA) of Dylaudid for pain management while she gets this round of chemo and she has had it twice before BUT now the hospital is saying the way they did it before was an ERROR and they can't do it without an IV!! Audri doesnt want an IV and started screaming the minute they mentioned IV and last time she had one she tried to pull it out uughh. I have been fighting with them all goddamn day to get the PCA and nope they wont do it becaue pharmacy wont sign off on it SOOOOOO now she is getting oral meds that dont work as well:( Doctors are tellin me that by wednesday she will probably be in so much pain we will be begging for the damn IV but right now im sticking to my guns and making them leave her alone. So at this point im afraid to even leave her room incase someone goes in there and does something without me there....UUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i Just want her to be better goddamit i just want her not to have to suffer anymore...is that to much to freaking ask??? I am so damn angry i swear to god i just want to punch someone and the next person that gets in my face i might, so ya'll might see me on the news lol Local Neuroblastoma Mom Loses her Cool and beats up the doctor! Ok i have to go so her dad can leave i'll update more later!