10th Birthday

Ten Years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed hoping you would decide to hold on and stay in my belly for a little while longer because it was just to soon for you to be born. My parents had left and I was watching tv when the nurses came in all worried because your heartrate wasn't moving like it should, the doc came in and told me that he felt you were in distress and I needed an emergency C-section right away.Thinking I had time for nana and daddy to get to me I called them and told them to hurry because I was scared,i was only 29 1/2 weeks pregnant BUT you didn't want to stay in and be warm and safe you wanted to rush out and meet the world screaming and that's exactly what you did and it was just me and you because they missed your birth by 10 minutes. You were so tiny 2lbs 13oz 15inches long...the smallest baby I had ever seen but you had the lungs of a sailor and the farts of a trucker!!!! I was never so scared or happy in my life you were my mothers day baby and the best gift I have ever received, you spent the next 8 1/2 weeks in that hospital fighting to come home. It seems to me that you spent 90percent of your life in hospitals, first you were a preemie and then you got cancer,we had maybe 1 1/2 years of your life that you weren't in and out of hospitals all the time. You should be here today celebrating your first double digit milestone but instead your sitting in an urn on a shelf because your life was cut tragically short.You My Beautiful Audrianna were so brave and so fearless and you brought a smile to everyone you met. You touched so many lives in your short dash.

Nobody except maybe another grieving parent understands the loss of a child or how it makes you feel. I am angry and sad all the time.I hate having to fake smile to get through life. I don't want to be around people or talk to people. I am short with everyone and I literally hate myself which in turns makes me hate them and their fucking happy lives. I hated seeing all your friends reach their 10th birthdays and watch all the loving celebrations they had with their families...not because I don't love those kids or I'm not happy or their families BUT because your not here to do the same thing.I don't get to pick out the cake you want with you,buy you a new dress and of course shoes.I don't get to plan the perfect party or take you to your first concert or a movie you would have wanted to see. No I don't get to do any of that but I do get to watch all your friends parents do it and see all the smiling faces of their happy lives. Meanwhile I sit here crying endlessly because I will never have that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was never a Jealouse person, I didn't care if someone had more then me or a better car or things like that as long as I had my Family and now I don't have my family because its BROKEN and I am so damn jealous of the ones that aren't.I feel like a horrible person all the time and I really used to be the loving caring friend/aunt/mom/daughter...now my give a fuck button is broken and I just don't care and can't function well enough to be that person anymore. I feel like I'm outside my body watching some inner demonic bitch run my life and I don't know how to kick her to the curb and stop letting that happen.

I wonder everyday what you would look like today, would you still love the little mermaid since she was your favorite princess.Would Icarly still be one of your favorite shows and would you still like the mean girls in shows better then the nice ones.I wonder if your hair would be long or short,if you would still prefer dresses or pants,if you would still be riding your bike like a daredevil.There are so many things I have to wonder about because your not here.I wonder if you would be at the omg mom stage and starting to be embarrassed by me,i wonder if your sister would still be brave because she had you to help...instead of her being so afraid of everything since you died. I hate that I have to wonder these things and ill never know for sure and the pain in my heart gets worse everyday,it never seems to heal and I wonder if it ever will. Yes tomorrow Is your birthday the 4th one since you took your last breathe and then the next day is mothers day and I wonder how the fuck I'm gonna get through it all with a smile on my face for your sister and everyone else who needs me to be strong because crying isn't an option.

This picture is of our last Happy mothers Day together....I love You Baby <3