May Used to be a Month Filled with Joy

Hi Baby....So its May again, this used to be my favorite month because it was the Month god gave you to me....Now I sit here and cry because in 5 days you would have turned 8 and its going to be our 2nd birthday without you....Does this sound selfish maybe but I hate the month of May now because your not here to celebrate your birthday with us and we don't get to watch you grow...I never get to help you pick our your prom dress or your wedding dress...I never get to talk to you about your boyfriends and kissing boys which by the way your smartie pants sister says she should be allowed to do once she is a teenager and I have told her she may not kiss a boy till she is married and she cannot be married till she is at least 40!!!!!!!!! I hate that you will never be here to wish me another Happy Mothers Day which is ALSO in the month of May...you were born 4 days before mothers day 2006 and you were my special mothers day present....even though I have your beautiful sister who I love with all my heart and I know she will be here for Mothers day and I get to hear her say she loves me and hug me and I am so thankfull for that, it doesn't mean that Mothers Day doesn't rip my heart out because I can NEVER hear you say those words to me again.....Some days are just so much harder then others and no matter how I try to smile through them I just cant baby im sorry im trying so damn hard...I had a meltdown the other day over a damn box of trix because they were your favorite and when I poured them for Kyra all I could remember was your last few days in the hospital before you died, all you ate was trix...5 pieces per spoon, no more no less or we would get yelled at!!!!! After I took your sister to school I went home and cried for the rest of the day over those damn Trix......Today was horrible I went to pick up your Christening Gown from the Cleaners because I Promised Gwen she could use it for her baby(ONLY Because I knew this was something You would want me to do or id never let it out of the damn house because its a piece of you that im so afraid of losing) and when I left the drycleaners I couldn't stop crying like a crazy person...I drove to The Painted Lady's House haha you always called her that, knowing she was prolly busy making someone look fabulous and thankfully Jon was there to talk me off the ledge a bit ...then I called Aunt Dari and cried some more before I came home, collapsed in a heap and cried it out and now im here telling you how horrific days like this are for me...I think im getting through it and yes that's all it is...Getting through, not living not dying, just getting though because honestly I already feel dead sometimes, like I walk around in this fog that is now my life and occasionally it lifts and I have a nice day....sometimes I feel like im going crazy and then I realize no im just grieving and we all do it differently......I fill my days with as much activity as I can so that I cant think...so many that I overlap stuff without realizing it because apparently I need a secretary ugh I signed Kyra up to goto a camp called Camp Courage which is for kids who have lost someone close in there lives like a sister, brother, mom,dad whatever and then I realize it might be the same weekend as Gwen's Baby shower but im not sure and ill find out on Monday sigh and this weekend I signed up to do a suicide prevention walk with Aunt Karen at the same time im supposed to be in Wilkes-Barre at Michell's Baby Shower , all because when I sit and im inactive I lose my mind...the voice in my head drive me nuts if I slow down enough to listen to them...the what if's...what I had done this different or what if I had done that, all the days of your treatments all the fears all the decisions I had to make alone(because your dad was no help) all those things go round and round in my head till I feel like a walking basket case...but im smiling on the outside so nobody knows that im dying on the inside....My *Friends* have mostly all just gone away and stopped talking to me because none of them can *handle my pain* because they have moved on with there lives and I cant(or at least that's who I see it)....I wonder every day how im not a drunk or druggie taking something to numb my mind and ease the pain would be the easy way out I guess and believe me sometimes I want to take that easy way but then I say you cant do that You Have Kyra and she has to get up for school in the morning what the hell good are you to her if your strung out...and I take that to an extreme to like I wont even have a glass of Wine on a night I know she has school the next day because im such a bad drinker I know it will gimme a headache that will make me not want to deal with my 6yr old and that's not fair to her....so instead I sit here and write down all my crazy stuff to you and get it out so I don't let I eat me alive anymore then it already is.....I love you baby but I have to go get sissy from school so ill talk to you soon xoxoxoxo