Loss and how it affects people

I know its been a while since I wrote to you on here but I have been trying not to live so much inside my head because I felt like I was going crazy.*Normal People* as I now refer to everyone who hasn't suffered the devastating loss of a child, just do not understand exactly how crazy you feel and how often you think of dying after watching your child die in your arms. Everyone deals with death differently and some people are just stronger then others, I have thought about dying and joining you so many times since the last time I held you in my arms, but then I look at your sister and I think she needs me how could I ever do that and what would that do to her psyche, how could she live with that for the rest of her life and then I cry myself to sleep and wake up the next day look at her smiling face and put on my brave face and go on FOR HER. But just because I can do that doesn't mean everyone can, the childhood cancer community is NEVER one that any parent would choose to become a part of, we are all thrown into it and then we put on our brave faces and we deal with it because our babies need us...BUT some of us just aren't strong enough to live with that and some of us give into the voices in our heads and decide to join our babies again no matter who we leave behind or how it will affect them...I do not judge the ones who cant be strong and who choose to join there children again on the other side but I do feel so much pain for the loved ones, the children, the wives, the husbands,the mothers, the faters,the brothers and sister who are left to ask Why, why couldn't they go on....its the same Why we all ask when our babies get cancer, why our families,why our kids, just fucking why.......and then there are the what if's, what if I had done something different, what if I had been there for them more, what if I had called someone....but the what if's can make you crazy and that goes back to the voices in our heads the ones that if we listen to we give in and join all the others before us that have given into the darkness.....So for all my friends and family out there suffering with loss and pain please fight the voice in your head so that you don't leave the people you love behind wondering why and what could I have done to save them....reach out to someone anyone and let them help you, or turn to a blog like this and write down your thoughts because that's what has helped me...even if nobody else ever reads these words at least I know they are here and im telling the voices in my head to goto hell that im stonger then they are and I will survive for my other child and I will go on till one day my beautiful Audrianna and I will meet again on the other side where I know she will be waiting for me with a smile on her face and an I love you mommy on her lips.