Everyday as a mom i get up and take care of my children and hope to god and whoever else is listening that i am doing a good job, but somedays i just feel like a failure.I am tired all the time no matter what i do i cant get over the exhaustion. My Audrianna doesnt sleep for more then 4hrs at a time if im lucky she sleeps that long. And when she does wake up its because she is hungry and wants to eat eat eat or be driven around the block till she falls asleep. Most nights at between 2 and 3 am we are up and stay awake for hours, sometimes she doesnt fall back asleep till 6am and then her sister is awake 2hrs later. These are all symptoms of the cancer, the hospital routine she is used to living,the pain she still has in her belly and her groin from the hernias and her body just trying to recharge itself. I know all this in my head and i know none of this is her fault,but sometimes im just so angry that i cant goto sleep and stay asleep,and somedays the thought of waking up is just to much for me.I know im depressed hell im on medication for that, i think every Cancer Parent in the world is depressed.I try so hard to smile and work past the depression everyday and be a good parent, i even went to the doctor again today and asked for different meds...but i feel like im failing my kids when i dont have the energy to play with them because im so exhausted all i want to do is sleep. Audrianna goes to school 2 1/2 hours a day and Kyra is at home with me but she doesnt take naps anymore but god i wish she did!
Im supposed to go back to work in january and i dont know how im going to do it,if i cant sleep i dont know how i can do taxes and take care of other people's money, what if i make a mistake because im so tired?? Im questioning everything in my life right now and wondering if i can do any of it. I ask everyday please god give me the strength,the wisdom,the courage to carryon.I know my child has gone through more then i ever have or ever will have to and i know my problems are nothing compared to hers but somedays it all just feels like its caving in and i cant breathe.I really need a stress free weekend with no kids and no cancer just to recharge. Blah CANCER SUCKS! People think that once your child is N.E.D the worry stops but it doesnt i actually think it gets worse. Now there is a whole new set of worries,will she stay N.E.D. longer then 3 months this time,will i wake up and she will have a fever that takes us to the Er and someone tells us the cancer is back uugh is her sleeplessness a sign that her cancer is back,is the bloody nose she has had all day today a sign her platelets are low again because the cancer is back....ALL of those things run through your head everyday, it never stops. Just because a doctor tells you that your Child is N.E.D. they arent saying remission, they arent saying cured, they are just saying no evidence of disease for NOW and you drive yourself crazy thinking is NOW going to last??
My family is so distant from each other sometimes i dont know what to do to bring us back together, for the last yr and a half its been me and audrianna, kyra and her nana and poppa john and jim at home working, and i am so resentful of jim because he never had to deal with her sickness he lives in his bubble and if he doesnt admit she is sick she isnt,how does a family survive this?? Kyra grew up so much without me that i worry everyday she is going to resent her sister and hate me as she grows up. Audrianna is so used to having mommy to her self and so spoiled that now that we are home and with her sister everyday she doesnt want to share and i go crazy some days just saying NO dont stop that, NO dont be mean to your sister,I am her mommy too!Sometimes it just gets to be to much and i want to run away, but how do you run away from your sick child and your other child that needs you?? As a MOM you dont, you suck it up and you deal with it even if your dying inside and dont know how to fix it or change it...CANCER tears families apart or pulls them together and sometimes i feel like the *Rip* in ours cant be repaired but yet i keep trying so i dont lose my family. I just wish this was all a dream and id wake up from the nightmare that has been my life for almost 2yrs, that id wake up and my child would never have had cancer and we would never have had to hear those horrible words...YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER...Some of the most devestating words in the english language. Sigh guess i just need to get more sleep and keep pushing on and stop thinking about things that may happen and concentrate on what is happening now.
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