Scared, Depressed and Trying to Smile

Ever since i talked to the doctor on wednesday i have been living in a constant state of fear and worry,wondering if Audrianna has relapsed.Both Audrianna and Kyra have been sick since friday and i am praying with all that i have that the spot they saw on the CT is an Infection due to this wonderful summertime cold...BUT that's the logical side of me, the Terrified Cancer Mom side of me hasnt been able to be that optimistic and is still just putting on the Fake Smile for everyone to get through the days. Now with Audrianna being sick and having a Cough im afraid they are going to be rescheduling her Scan due to the fact they wont sedate her if she is sick and then we have to wait LONGER and the Waiting is the worst part....the Not Knowing is worse then the Knowing. Once you know the results one way or another then you can move on and figure out a plan from there,you can handle whatever they tell you even the bad stuff because you have to...but the waiting uuughh the waiting can make you feel like your suffocating/drowining and never gonna come back up for air until you get that phone call that tells you one way or another...relapse or clear scan!!!!!
I tried to take a break from the worry this weekend and we spent the weekend with Great Friends...Gwen,Alana and Kathy came in from NY and we had some retail therapy and lots of swimming even though the girls werent feeling the best. I just want to say Thank You to all of them for helping me Smile through this weekend and giving me and the girls a great time and lots of love.....xoxooxx
But now the weekend is over, everyone has gone home and its just me alone with my thoughts again.I had such a meltdown earlier i was yelling at everyone for no reason and i hope they will forgive me but i had to let some of this anger out before i just burn up. I even locked myself in the kitchen and threw things at the wall and one of them was my New Nonstick Frying Pan which i Dented the whole side of and then sat on the floor and cried because i broke it uughh the emotions go from mad, to sad, to happy to i dont give a fuck in 5 seconds flat and i cant stop them.I probably wont be able to reign it all in until i know the results of her MIBG Scan and you know what...THAT SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS....NO Parent should have to worry every second of every day if there child is going to die, no parent should have to bury there child, no parent should have to hear the words your child has cancer, or there is nothing else we can do so take your child home and make them comfortable uuughhh I HATE CANCER, I HATE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO FUNDING FOR PEDS CANCER AND OUR KIDS SUFFER EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!
I am so angry right now that most of the time i feel like im living in a red haze but its just like when she was first diagnosed, if i let go of the anger which is holding me up, i feel like i'll fall down and never get up and thats not what she needs, she needs me to be strong for her.So right now i am staying angry to stay strong and for some of you that's going to sound CRAZY and to some of you thats going to sound completely normal and you'll understand what i mean.
Please keep praying for All of Us that we can handle this pressure and get through this and that she stays N.E.D. and that damn spot on the CT was Nothing because i dont know how to explain to my 3yr and 5yr old that my 5yr old has cancer again and they will once again be seperated while audrianna suffers in pain and that there might be a chance they could be seperated forever-:(