Good day with family

Audrianna's night didnt go so well with all the pain from the chemo but she has had a good morning so far,her cousins came to visit this morning.Our family is so spread out that we dont get to see alot of them and abby and tyler live in virginia beach with there mom,stepdad and new baby brother Abram.Today Audrianna and I got to see all of them and hold the new baby, she was thrilled to hold a new baby and play with her cousins.Today for 2hours she was a normal kid, playing ball in the hallway and coloring with Abby and Tyler.Tyler was being goofy just to make her laugh and hearing her laugh again gives me hope.The resiliance of a child is amazing,her body is in pain but her spirit is not.I cried in the bathroom where she couldnt see me while she was laughing and playing with her cousins, i cried with grief and joy,joy that she was so happy and grief that this laughter might be something that is going to be so far apart.She is so tired after playing and with the chemo running but she is fighting it because she knows other people are coming to visit her today.She also doesnt want to drink and has developed a bad cough that the doctors are watching:( But at least for 2hours she got to dance and laugh!

Bad Night

Audrianna had a very bad night the chemo she is recieving right now is very harsh and the pain in her belly was very bad.She is on a Dylaudid Pain Pump and it still wasnt helping her, the doctors say the pain she is having is Like when a diabetic has Neuropathy in there feet except its all over her body and 100 times worse:( I have Neuropathy from my diabetes and i know how bad i hurt so i cant even imagine the pain my baby is going through right now:( Today they have upped her pca so that her dose of Dylaudid is double what she was getting last night and it seems to be helping some but she is still complaining about the belly pain. The doctors still havent decided what course of treatment they are going to use to fight these 2 new tumors, they are consulting the Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia where Audrianna recieved her stem cell transplants and the Childrens Oncology Group to see which is the best course of action for her.One of our Docs is very blunt and always give you the news straight forward and told us yesterday that since she already underwent 2 stem cell transplants if the MIBG Therapy didnt work then we would be taking her home to let her be a kid for as long as she could before she got to sick to play with her sister:( I am hoping and praying that this doesnt happen and this therapy works for her. I dont know how to do this, i dont know how to start preparing myself that this might be the end so im going to keep looking forward and not think that way because she is a Fighter, she fought so hard to get here she can fight to kick it again. As her mom Im TERRIFIED that i may lose my child but i also know that i cant let her or her sister see that and i have to smile and go on with life because thats what she needs from me. No matter how upset i am this is about my girls not about me. I will try and update more later i need to get back to the room and sit with her during her chemo, thank you all for your kind words and prayers we love you!

Sad day

Sadly we were told by the doctors today that Audrianna has relapsed.The MIBG scan showed 2 new tumors, one wrapped around her vena cava and one in her liver.They arent sure if surgery is an option to remove them or not. Right now they are keeping her on her Protocol and running the ILP chemo and hoping since the tumors are small that it might kill them. If this doesnt work we will be going back to CHOP for MIBG Therapy and if that doesnt work we will be going home to let her be a child for as long as she has left on this earth. I am trying so hard to be optimistic and hopeful but its really hard for me right now. Everytime i look at her i think but she looks so happy, she has hair, how can there be something else threatening her life again!!!! And then i think F*ck you Neuroblastoma you rotten B*stard grrrrr stay away from my child. My child is supposed to grow up and find a cure for cancer you cant take her now.I am praying very hard to audri's angels up in heaven to watch out for her...Kelly, Tanner,Hudson,Ashley please make sure you watch over her for me,whether it be here on earth or in heaven i need to know you are taking care of her.I need to get back to her right now but i will post more later and let everyone know her progress:(

MIBG SCAN Not the News we wanted

You would never know by looking at my child, other then the semi-bald head that she isnt healthy but today we were told she has spots on her liver which could mean the cancer is back.This is every parents worst nightmare, relapse. We were told there was a 90 percent chance she was in remission because her last 2 CT scans were clear and not to worry about the MIBG because if the CT is clear the MIBG is usually clear and she would be in remission. YEAH RIGHT!!! As an NB Mom or any Mom of a child with a life threatening disease You NEVER stop thinking in the back of your head that things can come crashing down in an instant. Today we were expecting to hear N.E.D. and instead we heard Liver Lesions(or howerver you spell it) and in an instant everything changed, all the Fear of the last year came rushing back and when i looked at my child, just for a minute i lost the faith that has been keeping me standing. I lost the faith to believe that this was NOTHING that just because there is a spot doesnt mean its Cancer, I lost the faith to believe that God is going to get her through this and i was SO DAMN ANGRY AT GOD FOR NOT KEEPING HER SAFE!!!! Uggh i know that this horrible disease is not anyones fault it's just something that happens, but that is so much easier to rationalize when its not Your Child!!! I cant let my baby see me cry because then she worries and im supposed to be strong for her, but it is so hard to be strong all the time. We have so many friends and family praying for her and pulling for her that she just has to beat this is what i tell myself, that with so many prayers how can god not hear us and heal her?? And yet while im having those thoughts i also think about all the NB Angel's god has given wings in the last year, and then i try not to crumble all over again. I know every child is different and every case is diferent, logically i know that, but my heart and my head are so not working together right now. My heart is terrified that i will lose her, my head says dont worry she will be fine, which one do i listen to?? I wish someone out there could help me understand why this nasty disease called Cancer is in our world AND why if children are innocent and without sin do they get cancer and die?? Ok i guess i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize my child is healthy today and this could be nothing and start doing something to make myself feel better....thank you all for your prayers:) I am attaching a picture of Audrianna and one of her best friends Emily Donovan who had her last chemo yesterday and also needs prayers to make sure her MRI comes back clear next month!!!!

Good News

Today was a very long day driving to Geisinger for the injection for Audrianna's MIBG Scan which she gets tomorrow. I had to Hunt down and Badger Dr Taylor but i finally got him to show me the CT Scan and tell me that there were no known signs of Neuroblastoma on the scan!!! Tomorrow is the big day we have the MIBG and the Bone Marrow tests to see if she is clear. Please god let her be clear, its almost a year and its time for her to be a healthy little girl again. I am so sick to my stomach thinking about tomorrow, just because the CT came back clear doesnt mean the MIBG will and it scares me to death that i may have gotten my hopes up for nothing. And i also know that just because she is clear now doesnt mean she will stay that way forever because Neuroblatoma is a tricky bastard and it hides and then our babies can relapse:( BUT god willing that will NOT HAPPEN to my child.Audrianna has alot of Angels up there watching out for her. Tanner, Hudson, Kelly,Ashley,Layla,Sophie, they will all make sure she pulls through this and continues to make the world a better place with her smile. My heart goes out to all the parents that have had there babies become Angels, i cant say i know what they feel everyday, but i can say i understand the fear they must have felt along the way:(
Ok i am going to goto bed now since tomorrow is going to be a very very very long day. I will post as soon as we know any results and thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers! Love Audrianna and Kyras Mommy:)

Mommy Day

Today was a very relaxing day for mommmy. Both the girls went to Poppy and Grannys house and mommy got to clean up and rearrange the furniture finally! Then i went shopping with my girlfriend michele and her daughter and out to eat without a child crying mommy get this for me or mommy she spilled my milk or mommy can i eat your food!! LOL i LOVE my girls more then anything in the world but every once in a while everyone needs a mommy break.By the time i came home the girls were asleep because poppy dropped them off to daddy and he put them to bed.I NEVER miss bedtime so i was a little sad about not kissing them goodnight but on the other hand it was very nice to just come home and sit down, watch tv, go on Facebook, check my email and do the blog without anyone crying.Tomorrow is Kyra's daycare day so we will be up and out of the house early to drop her off and then Audrianna and i will find something to do together till its time to pick sissy up. Kyra goes to daycare twice a week when we arent at the hospital just so she can stay in her routine for the times we are at the hospital.Kyra loves her daycare and all her friends and she waves by to me when she gets there and is happy to be with her friends till i come back which i am thankful for everyday. One of my friends owns the daycare and she is a WONDERFUL WOMAN (Love ya Tracy)who took my kyra free of charge because she knew we couldnt afford to pay and that Kyra needed some type of structure in her poor little life.It's people like Tracy and all the othe *Angels* in our lives that have given me back the faith i had lost in the world, they made me believe there are still good people out there. Anyway time for Mommy to get some rest night all:)

Easter egg hunt and Easter Bunny

Last year for Easter we were in the hospital being diagnosed with Neuroblastoma and my daughter cried not because she was sick but because she was afraid the bunny wouldnt be able to find her! This year for Easter we are waiting for results to tell us if she is N.E.D. AND she got to goto an Easter Egg Hun and Meet the Easter Bunny!!!!! What a difference a Year makes and i am so thankful to the powers that be for letting her have this experience today, for giving her quality of life this Easter so that she could meet the bunny. It's funny because we are going into the hospital on the 29th of march to start the immunotherapy and we will be home 2 days before Easter and again all she was worried about was missing the bunny lol but i had to promise her we would be home and get to spend it with her sister this year....SO GOD....NO SURPRISES....Dont make me have to break that promise or ima get medieval on your Arse!!!!!!
Ok now that im totally exhausted after a very long fun filled day with my girls and some awesome friends its time to call it a night!