Overpowering Grief

Its been 33hrs since you took your last breath in my arms and i still feel like im holding you,i keep having to look down and shake myself because its just a phantom feeling of you in my arms and you arent really there.I am going through so many stages of anger,overwhelming sadness,laughter which i then feel guilty for..i feel like no matter what i say or do its never going to be right again.I slept in your bed last night clutching your teddy bear rosie and singing to her like i always sang to you until i cried myself into sleep from pure exhaustion,but you sent me a sign when i woke up...my hand was under your pillow and i was holding a mini-trix bar and i could hear you say *It's ok mommy it just a lil sugar it wont hurt you di-beates* and i thought your right baby it wont and ate that trix bar just for you.Mommy and Daddy had to go to the funeral home today and sign papers to have you creamated and pick out an urn, i couldnt find one i LOVED so for now i chose one i liked and i will get one i LOVE for your final resting place later,i wanted to see you again and they wouldnt let me which made me so ANGRY but the funeral director was very nice and told mommy that she had been through enough and that you were with the Angel's now and not in the body they have...Ya know what I WANTED TO SMACK HER AND SCREAM I DONT CARE THATS MY FUCKING BABY LET ME SEE HER...But i didnt because she was probably right even if it didnt feel that way. I hope that your with the Angel's running and jumping and cancer free now baby,with beautiful long hair and no more pain EVER..i know when you got there you told them that white wings were not your style you need a wand,glitter and pink wings asap and i also know that you were there to welcome Robert tonight when cancer took him from his family too baby....I wanted to ask you to please send Sissy some extra Angel love tonight she is very very sad...she keeps asking me when she will see you again and she told me how much she misses her sissy, she also says her heart is breaking in a million pieces because she cant see you anymore...i keep trying to tell her your always in her heart and you will always be with her but she is little and doesnt understand that...she cant understand why she can only see you in pictures...she broke down tonight and cried and told me she wants to got heaven with you because your her big sister and whenever she was scared you would cuddle with her and make her feel better,you always took care of her,played with her and went to mcdonalds playplace and climbalot with her and now she is afraid she will never have anyone to play with her again. She also said she is afraid to Die because you died,i told her that you were really really sick with cancer and that she isnt sick and doesnt need to be afraid of dying and she said but mommy everyone dies and someday you and me will die and be with audri...i told her yes but that someday wasnt going to be for a very very long time...But baby i know she didnt believe me...its 2am and she doesnt want to goto sleep even with mommy because i dont cuddle like you did, so she is in dustins room looking at dolls on the kindle and watching him play video games...i dont know how to make this better baby...i told her that my heart was breaking to and i didnt think there was enough super glue in the world to put our hearts back together now that your gone....then i waited for her to leave the bathroom and i punched the wall so many times i hurt my hand but it didnt know how else to let the pain and anger out,without you we are hurting so bad that we cant function and i know you wouldnt want this, i know you would want us to be happy your not hurting anymore and take care of each other but baby we cant figure out how yet. Daddy cries all the time, at the drop of a hat he cries, he picked up your lil teddy bear he gave you for valentines day and cried so hard i didnt think he would ever stop then kyra hugged him and said she loved him and he finally stopped crying....for me i wish a hug was enough...i keep falling down and i dont know how to drag myself back up..if it wasnt for aunt dari, aunt dena,uncle johnny,uncle billy,uncle denny,nana,poppa john, aunt kelly,aunt lori,aunt amy,aunt karen,aunt becky and all the people that are surrounding me right now id be in a puddle on the floor all the time,right now its only part time and im slowly crawling to my feet. Please send me strength baby so i can be ok to take care of your baby sister...sleep sweet with the angel's tonight audrianna and send sissy sweet dreams because she is finally ready for mommy to try and cuddle her as good as you always did

Audrianna passed away peacefully in my arms at 545pm friday febuary 15th after a very long hard fight. Her poor little body couldnt take anymore,she didnt want to go believe me she was fighting so hard to stay,kept saying mom and i love you untill she couldnt talk anymore and her breathing got labored and then her heart stopped beating...this is the reality of pediatric cancer that no parent should ever have to suffer....even worse was after and still now i hurt so bad i want to die i want to lay down and never wake up. I had to watch the funeral home zip my baby into a bag last night A FUCKING BAG i have never felt more helpless or more alone then in right that second...rationally i knew she was already playing with the Angel's who were waiting for her...Kelly,Tanner,Emily,Hudson,Kelsey,Ashley and so many others but i wasnt rational and all i could think is she is gonna be alone and cold and i have never left her before not once in her whole life how do i leave her now, just how.After i let them take her and we left the hospital, i couldnt get off the elevator, i felt like if i did id be admitting she was gone and i wasnt ready to admit that, my parents had to peel me off the floor because i couldnt do it alone.I came home and slept in her bed last night,with her teddy bear and her pillow and blanket because it smells like her and again today i need to call and tell them to come take her bed away because its a hospital bed on rental so thats just one more piece of her im losing...i feel like my heart is in so many pieces i will never be able to pick it up again and i dont know how to keep breathing without her.I am leaving in 2hours to go setup to have my child creamated and pickout an urn, yet another thing nobody should have to do for there 6yr old....FUCK YOU CANCER!

Whoever said home is easier...LIED

Audrianna has been home about 2 weeks now and life is hard...its hard on her and on all of us around her....Poor Kyra she is 4 and Audrianna yells at her all the time, be quiet Kyra, Your too Loud Kyra,Dont touch that Kyra, Leave the dog alone Kyra ugh it's an endless battle for poor Kyra even when she isnt doing anything wrong...Kyra actually went back to my mom's house the day before thanksgiving and didnt come home till last night because and i quote *Audri is mean to me all the time and i just want to be a kid mommy* to me this is one of the most heartbreaking things in the world, they are sisters and they love each other so much and yet they cant be around each other because Audrianna is too sick to DEAL with her baby sister...it's like being punched in the face over and over because again i have to choose between my sick and dying childs happiness and peace of mind and my healthy childs happiness and peace of mind....NO PARENT SHOULD EVER BE IN THIS POSITION..i shouldnt have to send one baby away to take care of another...................................I also cant handle one more person saying to me she will be ok, she is going to regain her strength and she is going to bounce back and get better, she has beat this before and she can do it again....WAKE UP PEOPLE LOOK AT HER SHE IS DYING that's what i want to scream outloud while i sit there and shake my head and consol them and say things like sure she will as soon as she starts eating again she will be better blah blah blah...i just dont get what part of there is NOTHING ELSE THEY CAN DO, SHE IS OFF TREATMENT, THE TUMORS ARE GROWING, SHE IS EVENTUALLY GOING TO DIE...that these fucking peole dont understand....and its not just strangers either its family and friends and i know it's there way of dealing with this suck ass situation and living in there denial...but unfortunately as her mom i dont get to live on the planet of denial with everyone else i have to live in REALITY....Audrianna is down to 32lbs, she is skin and bones, barely eats, is in constant pain living on pain meds and borrowed time until the tumor takes over to the point she will stop functioning....this is the harsh reality of my life and honestly i cant handle people asking me how i deal with this, how am i not falling apart...i am falling apart dammit, im falling apart on the inside where nobody can see because im so damn busy being strong for everyone else i cannot take time to just fall apart for me.....And the everyday funtioning of my children is the only thing keeping me off the floor...i want to lay down in her bed with her and goto sleep with her and never wake up when she does, but i cant, im a mom and i still have Kyra to think about when this nightmare we call Cancer steals her sister. If one more person calls me because they want to come to my home and pray for her healing i might bitch slap someone..i know they mean well but come on...do you honestly think what my sick child needs is a bunch of people she doesnt know coming into our home to *Lay there hands on her to heal her*?? She freaks out when the hospice nurse comes into the house ugh. I havent been able to go grocery shopping,take a shower unless she is asleep, do laundry...any of the Mundane things other people take for granted because she is so sick she wants mommy to sit right next to her all the time....i have a head cold and cant even goto the doc for meds for me because she wont stay with anyone else without crying and even though i know my mom or dad would come here and sit with her i worry every second im out of the house that something will go wrong and i wont be there when she needs me.....this makes All of us Crazy, Sad, Mad...omg there are so many emotions that run through your head that you cant keep track......At least in the hospital she knew her nurses, trusted them with her life and loved them enough to let them sit with her and give mommy a break and i knew she was hooked up to machines that would beep if there was anything wrong so i wasnt afraid to sleep, here at home i dont sleep, im running on fumes because im so terrified because that if i fall into a deep sleep i wont hear her if she needs me or worse she will die and i will be sleeping through her last moments here with me.....im scared all the time and so is she....I HATE CANCER AND I WANT IT TO LEAVE MY BABY AND ALL THE OTHER BABIS ALONE DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

Needing a Miracle

Audrianna is in desperate need of a miracle right now, her poor little body has just had enough and she is having trouble breathing on her own.....docs did a chest xray yesterday and it showed that her lungs are filling with fluid which is causing her breathing problems so she is now on 3 percent oxygen just to keep her o2 levels at 96-97percent....her belly is hard and distended and they arent sure why. Today we had a CT Scan done and after infectious disease looked at it they ruled out bacterial pneumonia and Pneumocystis pneumonia (PCP) which both would have been horrifying in someone with such a weekened immune system BUT they still have not found out why the fevers are there or why her lungs are filling with fluid:(.....at this point the docs have told us that since she started back sliding so quickly that if they cannot get this under control she will continue go downhill...the docs asked me if it came to it if i would want her intubated and have them try everything possible to save her...my answer was NO, i do not want her on a tube where she cannot talk, i want her to be able to say she loves us if she is dying i want to be selfish enough to say i want to hear her last words to me dammit. Audrianna would not want to live like a vegetable hooked up to a tube not being able to talk or hug us, she would want to say goodbye. As i sit by her bed at night i listen to her in her sleep having conversations with people, i asked her who she was talking to and she said the angel's....last night i heard her ask someone if it was time to get yet, i think she knows the time is close but she is holding on because there is so much more she still wants to do, im just not sure her little body is going to let her do it....but im hoping her fighting spirit will win out one more time and she can at least leave this hospital and come home with us.

10 days still in the hospital

Audrianna has been in the hospital for 10days today and she is still running a fever and has absolutely no ANC because her body is so run down from that nasty I.C.E. Chemo they gave her. Her poor body just cant take anymore and is not bouncing back like it used to and its taking forever for the anitbiotics and antifungals to work. After 10days of not eating she is so weak that she shakes constantly to the point she looks like someone that has parkinsons, she cant hold her own body up and she cant even get out of bed by herself to pee....watching this and not being able to do anything about it is heart breaking as a parent, im her mom and i cant fix this. Yesterday i talked to hospice about the care she will eventually need once we go home and signed paperwork for them to be able to treat her, one of the papers i had to sign was whether or not to resucitate her or not if her heart fails at home...No Parent should EVER have to make those decisions for there child, no parent should OUTLIVE there child, my baby is 6yrs old and has NEVER had a chance to LIVE and now she is going to DIE....there is no way around it,the treatments are not working anymore,her tumors are chemo resistant and still growing,she is slowly dying and all we can do is watch and try to help her stay comfortable and make the last of her dreams come true. As her Mom i dont know how im to do all this, how to stand up and not fall down when she passes away, but i know i have to because i have another child who needs me....I have to remember Kyra needs me too and she is only 4....All of our lives are going to change and spiral out of control in the next couple of months,we are facing an uphill battle on keep her comfortable and keeping our own sanity while doing it. I love my baby she is my best friend i dont know how to live this life without hearing her voice. I dont know how to go on without hearing her say I love you More the same, because neither of us are allowed to love each other MORE then the other.......Or her telling me im the best mommy ever, or saying thank you mommy and me saying your welcome baby and her saying...no mommy i mean thank you for everything<3................Those are all words i dont know how i'll live without....and i dont know how ill live without her hugs and snuggling together in bed, i havent slept with anyone else in 4yrs,her lil body has a permenant indent in my side...How do i live without that??? How do i live without being her mommy anymore? These are all the questions that run through my head as a i sit here in the dark every day and night watching her sleep for 22 out of 24hrs everyday,these are the thoughts that are driving me slowly insane,along with the what if's. What if i had done this different,what if i had done more for her, could i have been a better mom to her and Kyra, could i have made them happier...these are the things that make me think that there might be a nut house in my future somewhere....these are the things that somedays there just arent enough anti-depressants in the world to make go away when your watching your child suffer.............................................Today my wonderful dad John brought Audrianna's puppy to the hospital to see her because all she has asked for is Geena for days,so i bundled her up and took her outside in her stroller and she hugged her puppy and smiled for the first time in forever

This lasted for about 10 mins before she didnt feel well and wanted to go back up to her room and go back to sleep, BUT she got to hug her puppy and that was all that mattered to her because there is nothing like a puppy's love to make a child smile. After Geena left Audrianna slept till about 730-8 when she had some wonderful visitors from Pennstate that came dressed up in costumes just to cheer her up because she missed the LIL Goblins Trick or Treat they had yesterday that Kyra got to goto so they brought it to her today...WE ARE PENNSTATE!

While the wonderful students from Pennstate were there cheering her up, her cousing Bret and his Fiance Lizz Showed up to add to the cheer

This 2 hour time period was the only time other then when she hugged her puppy that she was awake today and even then she was very cranky and upset because she didnt feel well and had a high fever, by the time everyone left she was exhausted, asking for pain meds and going right back to sleep. It is so hard to see your child push themselves just to be able to hug people they love without crying in pain, when 3 weeks ago she was bouncing on a trampoline......everything can change in an instant, something we all need to learn...with pediatric cancer and any type of cancer really there is no tomorrow...always live for today because there are no promises....FU CANCER for stealing our Tomorrows!!!!!

Hospitalized Again

Audrianna had a very harsh chemo last week called I.C.E. and she was very sick for the 3days she was inpatient, then they sent us home and she steadily got worse.Today we came to clinic for bloodwork and she was very dehydrated and her A.N.C. was only 90 which is very low so she was admitted for fluids,blood products and neupogen to raise her ANC. Right now she is in alot of pain and has been complaining about bad headaches, her back and ribs hurting so tomorrow they are going to do an MRI and a CT Scan to see if there is anything growing or showing that would be the cause of all the pain and the headaches. This has been a very very rough 2 weeks as Audri has been so very sick and has done nothing but scream in pain and cry and there is nothing i can do except give her more pain meds and hope to god they work..........................................................................................................................................................................But on a brighter note i think we have a few thousand people on FB and Twitter trying to help Audrianna's Dreams come true and help her finish her bucket list. Katy Perry has a big heart so im praying with all that i am that she opens her heart to my baby and makes her dreams come true. Even if her schedule is so crazy she couldnt meet her in person maybe she could just skype or do facetime with her, i think even that small gesture would be amazing. Also to all the people who have helped make other dreams come true so far i cannot say thank you enough....Bloomsburg Fair had $10 helicopter rides and she rode them 6 times!!!!!!! Cloud Nine Balloons took all of us up in a Hot Air Balloon Ride and it was amazing, Thank You Jen,Jim and Crew we will never forget the wonderful day you gave our baby or the memories we will have forever. Outten County Chrysler of Hamburg,Pa is sending her to Disney on November 12th-16th which includes a trip to the bippity boppity boutique to be princesses for the day, and our Dear Friends April and Jamie Valvano have paid for a day at Discovery Cove she she can swim with the Dolphins!!!!!!!! The people that have held fundraisers for us this year(Marie Kahley, Geri Berger,Heather McGurl) And everyone that has donated to help us with medical expenses and the Disney Trip.....WE CAN NEVER THANK ANY OF YOU ENOUGH, BUT WE LOVE ALL OF YOU AND FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS....THANK YOU FOR HELPING AUDRIANNA<3................................................................................................................................................................... This is going to be a very rough week until she starts to feel better so please keep her in your prayers and continue tweeting Katy Perry so she can fall in love with Audrianna too!

Some Days are Worse then others

I sit here watching my children play after they came home from school and all i can think is how many more days like this will we actually have?? We are still waiting on the Genetic testing to come back to see if she is One of the 15% who will be able to get the gene therapy and let me tell ya the waiting and not knowing are the worst....at least if we knew yes or know we would be able to make a plan on how to deal with everything...People tell me i should be Happy that she is well right now and not really showing so many symptoms,but thats because they dont see her all the time and really who are they to tell me to be happy??I am Happy that Audrianna is ALIVE and with all of us right now but it doesnt mean that im still not sad,mad,and tons of other emotions on top of that.This is an emotional roller coaster that it seems like none of us will survive because Cancer doesnt just affect Audrianna it affects all of us,it affects her beautiful 4yr old sister who is so angry sometimes she yells and screams for no reason and has the Worst Temper Tantrums and god forbid she gets a booboo then she screams like she is Dying because she wants attention for her wounds not just her sisters...the littlest scratch on Kyra is a catastrophe and sometimes her tantrums are so horrible i cant deal and want to run away screaming but i cant because she needs me too and its her only way to let out what she feels,i HATE Cancer and what its doing to us all.....Audrianna's pain meds make her mean, she has mood swings like a crazy person...one minute she is hugging you and telling you she loves you the next minute she is screaming in your face tellin you she hates you and she treats poor kyra the worst, it is so sad to see because kyra loves her so much and all she wants to do is play with her big sister and she doesnt understand that her sissy cant help being mean.I get so depressed watching this that i dont know what to do and then i just want to crawl under the blankets and hide from the world, but who can do that....not someone named MOM let me tell ya.We all just need a CANCER BREAK, a day where we wake up and not have to worry that Cancer is stealing our lives, not have to worry that Our Child/Sister is going to Die,that today something will happen and she will stop breathing or her heart will stop beating while we sleep.We are all so looking forward to the week of November 12th just so we can be on vacation in Disney and TRY really hard to forget for just a bit that our lives will never be the same again.............................................The girls cannot wait to see all the princesses and tinkerbell again....I cant wait to see there faces shine and capture moments of happiness instead of sadness...............To be able to wake up in the mornings and not want to hide under the covers, to just go and enjoy our lives and try to act *normal* for a week....................we have been trying to fill Audrianna's Bucket list as much as we can, she got a beautiful puppy donated to her from http://www.colorsilkyorkies.com/ and she got to ride in a helicopter at the bloomsburg fair....we are still trying to get her a hot air balloon ride,a trip to NYC, and a swim with the dolphins while we are in disney...those are all her big wishes...her other wishes are smaller, she wants the toy drive for her hospital to be a success again this year so all the other kids in the hospital get toys, she would like gift cards to use while she is in the hospital for amazon so she can watch movies,itunes so she can listen to music and american girl doll so she can shop for new clothes for her Bald Doll Hannah....other then that she hasnt told me anything else she would like to do yet and the only reason im posting this is because people keep asking me whats on her bucket list.................................................Some days we are really happy like over the weekend when we had family in from NJ and we went to the bounce place and let the kids play and then to Pennstate for there community days and see the kids smile and play together and then other days like today i wake up,take Audrianna to school and then come home and put kyra on the bus and as soon as everyone is gone i just lay back down and crawl into a ball with the cover over my head till its time to get them from school because i just cant handle anything else without cracking into a million pieces and falling apart. For all the people that think this journey is something Everyone can halde is wrong, this Journey is something that takes ALOT of inner strength not to fall down and its not something you start with its something that you gain along the road to hell ...which by the way is NOT PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS....It's PAVED WITH BALD DYING BABIES:(