Ct Scan

Audrianna had a CT Scan on Tuesday the 19th and today the 20th her doctor called me with the results. ANY Cancer parent knows you never get GOOD results withing 24hrs, i knew as soon as the hospitals number came up that something was wrong and i was right...Her Doctors saw a spot/nodule on the scan and were worried enough to push her to the top of the list and get an MIBG Scan setup for thursday the 28th BEFORE they called me. I am terrified of relapse, there is no known cure for relapsed neuroblastoma and the fight is even harder and my god im not sure she can handle a harder fight then the last one!!!!I am walking around in an emotional haze right now, all i can think is my baby looks great, she has gained weight, has a tan,been being a normal healthy kid for almost a year while she was N.E.D. and now they think its back omg how do i tell her she has to go through this again?? How do i tell her she has to get another broviac, has to have more chemo, has to spend time away from her sister aka her best friend...how do i explain any of this to a 5yr old when i cant even comprehend it?? I am a basket case right now and i refuse to tell her anything till we get the results of the MIBG and if she has relapsed i will do what i did last time and sit my baby down and tell her she has cancer and its back and expalin all the treatments step by step and ill do it all calmly with lots of hugs and smiles while im dying inside. I will put on my brave fake smile and make sure she is OK and her sister is Ok and hope to god the Happy Pills the doctor gave me work enough to keep that fake smile in place through all of thise!!!! I am hoping with all that i have in me that there was a shadow on the scan, or she has some type of viral infection making her lymphnodes become enlarged or anything other then relapse dammit and do you know how messed up it is that ANY PARENT has to WISH for infection rather then cancer?? Bangs Head off Desk....FUCK YOU CANCER, LEAVE MY FRIENDS AND MY BABY ALONE!!!!!! I WISH CANCER WOULD GET CANCER AND DIE!!!!!!!!!

Roller Coaster Of a Life

I know i havent written in a while but its been a very long roller coaster ride around here.My Husband lost his job again,my job ended in april and things have just been crazy around here. I thought once the chemo was done and Audrianna wasnt inpatient in the hospital all the time it would start to calm down around here but man was i wrong.People think that once your child is N.E.D.(no evidence of disease)that means your child is cured and nothing else is wrong with them and believe me I WISH THAT WAS TRUE!!! Audrianna is off chemo now and she is doing well but there are alot of other issues we are dealing with now like her hearing loss,the drop foot in her legs,the air space disease in her lungs and the biggest one the PTSD. My baby doesnt sleep because she is so afraid if she falls asleep she *has to goto god* and she fights falling asleep so she wont die. Everynight she asks *do i have to goto god tonight mommy* and i assure her that no god made her better because it wasnt her time to be with him yet and it wont be for a very long time but she doesnt believe me and without benadryl she wont sleep at all and then when she does sleep she has nightmares all night and wakes up crying alot,now her poor sister is doing the same thing,waking up with nightmares uugh so when i say we dont sleep...i mean WE DONT SLEEP!!!

It's very hard to be a happy functioning adult on 1-3 hrs asleep a night and sometimes the lack of sleep and depression really gets to me to the point all i want to do is lay down,but i get up and go because my kids need me.People also dont understand that, they cant imagine what you have to be depressed about,they say i should be smiling because she is doing better...well i am smiling on the outside where they can see...its just the inside that's slowly dying from fear and nobody realizes that fear unless they have lived it themselves....I FEAR EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY that the next test/scan she gets will come back that the cancer is attacking her tiny body again, i Fear everyday that when i tell her she doesnt have to goto god...im lying to her....i fear that she wont grow to be an adult, i wont see her have her first real boyfriend, i wont see her goto prom or graduate or become a wife/mother....i Fear these things everyday and believe me the fear is enough to eat you away from the inside out and make you crazy and if it wasnt for the anti-depression meds i take everyday, i Fear that the Fear would win and i would really lose my mind. Personally i think that every parent of a sick child has these same fears and i wish that the other people around us would try harder to understand this rather then treating us like we are bad/crazy people. Someday i hope this fear goes away and that just one day i can make it through a whole day without being afraid of losing my child and then Maybe i can be *Normal* again, but i doubt it. So today and everyday for the rest of my life i will fight to help find a cure for this Horrible disease in hopes that no other parent/grandparent/brother/sister has to go through life living with this FEAR.

Audrianna's Wish page was started to help her get her one wish to meet Hannah Montana and even though her wish never came true, we now use her page to help her and other kids fighting this disease. I advocate for every sick child i see and we goto every fundraiser we can manage to get to so we can support other families going through what we have gone through and i try to smile and tell them it will be ok you child can beat this they are strong, but in my heart i fear im wrong even though i hope im right. Everytime one of these babies loses there fight its like i lost one of my own children and the depression takes over for a bit till i pull myself back up and my husband tells me i shouldnt get attached but how can i not? These are beautiful children who didnt deserve anything bad to ever happen to them and yet they are slowly dying from this horrible disease called cancer,how can i not get attached and try to help....i cant!!!

People tell me i should give all this fear and anger up to GOD and let him help me heal, and my daughter believes in god and tells me she has seen him and his angels....BUT i get very angry and god and feel like he has let us all down so its very hard for me to let everything go and hope god fixes it...i mean where has good been for these babies? WHY hasnt he helped them? What the hell kind of plan can he have for them that lets them live in so much pain for so little time and leave behind there suffering families? I Know I know this is gonna anger people and im gonna get grief for this but its how i feel sorry!!!

Anyway back to Audrianna and sorry for my ramblings....right now audrianna is about to finish her first year of pre-school and her teacher thinks she should do another year before going to kindergarten but its up to me and im not sure, should i put her in Kindergarten or keep her in pre-school ugh how do i make this choice? Her Teacher thinks she needs more social skills and she would be overwhelmed in a whole day of K-Garten because she is so shy...but is being shy a reason to keep her back?? This is something i have to think about and talk to her teacher and the new school and see what everyone thinks and make a decision. Audrianna finally got her permenant hearing aides and she seems to be doing better with them in even if she doesnt always want to wear them, im hoping this will help with her speech which is another reason her teacher thinks she needs to stay back.I just want my beautiful baby to start everything on time and normal so she doesnt miss anything else in life, but i also dont want her to fall behind. Anybody have any opinions on this id like to hear them <3

This coming weekend the 22nd of May our family is going to be in Scranton for Red Carpet event to raise money for pediatric Cancer research and the girls get to wear fancy dresses and they are so excited and so am i, i cant wait to help educate people on how this disease affects everyone in a family, not just the child and how there is NO Money for reasearch to find a cure for our babies!!!! I want to thank everyone who is coming to this event and who has come to all the other events we have had and for supporting Audrianna and our Family. Much love to all of you!!!

Aaron Carter Fundraiser

Hi Everyone,
I have been asked to post this here since it seems some people are having trouble figuring out how to pay online for the tickets-:)....Here on Audrianna's Blog right below the picture of the girls is a Button that says DONATE, that leads you to paypal and all you have to do is enter the amount your paying for your tickets and in the subject line please enter Aaron Carter Fundraiser and let us know if your getting just tickets to the show or for the show and the meet-n-greet.
Here is the Link to the show and the info on how much the tickets cost... http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=141776455876376
Thank You All for Your Love and Support of our Beautiful Daughter<3
Angela Aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy

Sad Day

Today we lost another Precious Angel to CANCER the most evil word in the damn universe:( Our Dear Friend Kelsey Burnsworth who has been fighting Leukemia since she was 2 and fought the most courageous fight, lost her battle today and earned her wings-:( My Heart Bleeds for her family and the fact that they have to walk through the rest of there lives without her...her precious spirit will NEVER be forgotten and she will live on in all of our memories but that doesnt make this better or ok!!!!!!!!! Kelsey was a wonderful girl and had a spirit like no other, she always put others before herself...on Audrianna's 4th birthday last year we had a princess party and she asked Kelsey to play Cinderella for her, Kelsey went out and bought her own wig,dress,gloves,GLASS SLIPPERS and she WAS CINDERELLA...even though she was so sick that day she drove about 3hrs to get to Audrianna's Party and play Cinderella and didnt tell Anyone she was sick till she left and ended up in the ER the next day but said it was all worth it to see the smile on Audrianna's Face...that's how ill remember her forever,selfless,generous and caring=Kelsey-:)

I dont have the heart to tell Audrianna that Kelsey is gone, its another loss im not sure she can handle because im not handling it,so for now im not going to tell her i dont want to add to the PTSD and start the nightmares again:(
Through every step of this Journey with Audrianna i have held strong and swore i wouldnt breakdown untill she was better, well i think i might have finally reached my breaking point..i cant sleep, or stop crying and it's all just to damn much, when are they going to find a cure and stop our babies from suffering and dying????? I had to call off work today because i couldnt stop crying long enough to go in and sit down with customers..guess its time for new happy pills because Mine arent happy anymore.I just want there to be a DAY where NOBODY gets told there Child Has Cancer and Nobody Gets told there child is going to DIE and Dammit, i want all the Babies/Kids we have met who are fighting this Courageous fight To GET WELL and go home and play with there siblings and kiss there parents,i dont want to see another child i love lose there battle.

Kelsey...Fly High Baby and Teach those Angel's some Fashion Sense....here's to You always and forever Princess Cinderella...Much Love and Respect Always in Our Hearts <3

Insomnia Post

I know its been a long time since i posted last but after all the criticism i was getting around christmas i just got tired of listening to people bitch everytime i blogged so i was taking a break. Well since then the girls have had a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS and i want to say a big thank you to everyone that did help make that possible.

Audrianna is doing really well in school and she loves going to class and now has 4 Boyfriends according to her lol omg she is only 4 and has 4 b/f's what am i gonna do when she is a teenager?? Kyra is having a bit more mommy time since her sister is in school and Mommy has gone back to work so its a very hectic time around here.This is the first time i have been able to go back to work since Audrianna was diagnosed,its been a MAJOR adjustment for all of us,audri hates being away from me for so many hours of the day and Kyra was just getting me back all to herself and had to give me up again But we are working it out the best we can and doing ok so far.I keep trying to tell the girls its only for 4-5 months and then mommy will be home again till next year since i work in a tax office, but at the age of 2 and 4 they dont understand that.Right now they are either with daddy after he gets off work or with Nana so they are ok till about bedtime and then they get cranky and want mommy, thankfully most nights i can get home in time to put them to sleep and then all is well till morning:)

I am adding a few new pictures of the girls in some really cute hats there Nana Made for them so everyone can see how healthy and happy they both look right now!

Audrianna has been sick for about a month and a half now with a sinus infection that wouldnt end, now she is finishing up her 3rd antibiotic and it looks like it has worked, thank god. Feb 10th she is FINALLY going to be able to get her MIBG Scan to see if the Cancer is still N.E.D. and everytime i think about it i get so sick to my stomach and depressed i just want to sit and cry. My heart and Head are not working together here, one says she is fine and still N.E.D. and the other is Terrified she isnt and they are going to tell us the Cancer is growing again. I am trying to ignore the scared/crazy part of me and go with the sensible she is fine part of me but it is so hard to do, anyone thats ever walked in my shoes will understand what im talking about.When your child is so ill you dont know how they survive it you can handle that because you know what your fighting,you can see it...BUT when Your child is N.E.D. and they look like nothing is wrong with them, you dont know how to handle the Fear because you dont have anything left to fight. Maybe because i have seen other kids who have been N.E.D. and who have looked perfectly fine,hair grown back, weight back, playing with there siblings or cousins and then they say they dont feel well and BAM the cancer is back and spreads really fast and they dont make it....this is my biggest fear, being told it's growing again and there is nothing they can do...its the fear that keeps me from sleeping, its the fear that makes me so overprotective, its the fear that makes me spoil them both so much and never say NO to anything either of them want even if its with my very last dollar, it's that fear that no matter what i do it runs my life...it's that fear that she might not be here tomorrow that teaches EVERY CANCER PARENT TO LIVE FOR TODAY,BECAUSE SOMETIMES TOMORROW DOESN'T COME.

Sometimes the depression is so bad even the pretty little pills the doctor gives you just arent enough but you still smile for your children and everyone else who is watching you and cry on the inside where nobody can see. This is how most cancer parents make it through the day. Everyone is always telling me how strong i am, and how level headed i am and how they dont know how i deal with this as well as i do....My answer is this....I DON"T it's all a Front,every Cancer Parent becomes a Great Actor/Actress..we might look put together to you and to our kids but really we are slowly dying inside because we cant kiss the hurts away from our babies and thats our job as parents.

Please continue to keep Audrianna,Kyra and the rest of our family in your prayers and pray with all you have that her scans are ok. I dont know if any of us can handle bad news, her sister is so attached to her they are like 2 pees in a pod and one would be lost without the other and well i just dont know how id walk through it if i lost either of them.

Better Frame of Mind

First off let me say thank you to everyone who posted on my last blog. I was very upset and angry about everything that day and thanks to ALL of you i have decided your right and im not going to let negative people upset me or make me stop doing things for my beautiful daughter. I also want to thank everyone who has donated things for Christmas and for those that wanted to. I am not going to put the list back up, not because of the negativity BUT because we have had a few people offer to help and i dont want to take away from other children in need, children who need things more then my girls do. My girls have LOVE and no matter what, they will not want for anything on Christmas or any other day of the year because THEY ARE LOVED!!! We have been pretty busy since the last blog, we are still planning Audrianna's fundraiser on Dec 9th @ That Bounce Place in Edwardsville, Pa from 3-9pm and its coming along very nicely..we have Santa coming, a photographer to take pictures of the kids, a bake sale and a basket raffle for the adults and a few vendors coming to setup tables and make a donation to Audrianna.Between getting ready for that and Audrianna gettin to all her appointments and going to school its been very busy.We have also done some fun activities such as going to the Majestic Theater in Pottsville to see a tribute to disney and the girls had a great time with there dear friend Reiley who played Belle.This weekend we went to Wilkes-Barre and spent time with some of our *Oncology Family* seeing santa clause and just have an all around great time. The girls got to play with there 3 adopted Aunties, Annette, Jennifer and Dari. Dari also took some beautiful pictures of them which for a mom with a child with an Illness of any sort, pictures that capture your child happy are worth more then a million dollars in the bank. Money can be spent and its gone, pictures hang on the wall forever, even if you lose that child, you always have that wonderful memory and there beautiful face captured forever in a state of happiness to help take away some of the sorrow.
We have been invited to another cookies for cancer event on the 4th of december in pittston so we will be there god willing and having fun.SANTA is coming to our house on Dec 11th on his sleigh for the girls and they are so excited. December 17th we get to meet Nellie from Nellie's Catwalk a wonderful cancer organization in ohio that is helping the girls with a few of the Bigger things they wanted for christmas.And then Christmas will be here and we will be celebrating the fact that Audrianna is HOME and having Christmas with Her family this year and we will also have our cake for Baby Jesus's Birthday because i like to make sure the girls know what christmas is all about, its not about the toys you get, its about Giving and Love. I know that with the love of my family and friends and all the people here and on FaceBook that Love My Daughter, we can get through anything.<3

Why do people hate??

It is a sad day when people start attacking the parents of a young child battling any type of disease because they are upset over the fact that her parents do fundraiser to help with medical costs and expenses.Because of these people and the fact that im tired of being accused of *using* my child to get things/money from people i have deleted the girls christmas wish list that so many of you asked me to post.I know the economy is hard on everyone right now and i know alot of people are worse off then we are and really if people didnt want to help they wouldnt have offered BUT i will find a way to help my children without having to be accused of anything from here on out.Yes we have had fundraisers for Audrianna just like every other family with a sick child has.What people dont understand is that there are so many other expenses other then insurance related ones when you have a sick child and life doesnt stop, the bills keep coming,just because you cant work because you have to stay home and take care of your child doesnt mean the rest of the world stops turning. There are gas expenses(which thank god now we have help with),food expenses,toys to make your child stop crying because you would give them anything to make them hurt less, Hotels,all things not convered by any type of insurance that you still have to pay.Where do people think this money comes from if not from fundraisers?? Audrianna spent 4 months in philly undergoing tandem stem cell transplants, that was 4 months we werent at home, 4 months we had to eat somewhere other then our house, gas back and forth to philly for my husband and all these things add up, its not like we have thousands of dollars in the bank or drive a fancy car or even a new car, we have a beater car for hubs work, and a 7yr old truck that i have put 50,000 miles on in 2yrs driving back and forth to treatments for my sick child!!!!I wish to god i could say this was a nightmare and we woke up and she had never been sick and our lives were normal(whatever that means)again, but unfortunately i cant and i really wish people would leave us alone. We are only trying to survive and provide for our child and our family the best we can.I am sitting here seriously thinking of deleting Audrianna's Wish page because of all this and i really wanted to convert it to a non-profit as soon as i could raise the funds to do that so i could start helping other families like ours,but i dont know, im so depressed and sad that people are really posting evil things on her fundraiser page:( I did not ask for this fundraiser, a very nice family that follows audrianna on her wish page and has met her numerous times and held a fundraiser for her once before asked me if they could hold another one for her.I love Larry and Katie and i was thrilled when they asked if they could once again sponsor audrianna because they love her, i dont know why this has to be such a problem for other people,really is it jealousy or are they just that sad? I have helped many people on audri's wish page, i am forever posting things for other children and other families and nobody says anything about that, BUT let me post a fundraiser for my own child and im being GREEDY and EXPLOITING my child for money...wtf that's just so wrong. My family will have a great christmas do you want to know why...BECAUSE WE WILL BE TOGETHER AND OUR DAUGHTER IS ALIVE,SOMETHING WE WERE TOLD ALMOST 2YRS AGO THAT SHE WOULDNT BE....so even if there are only a few things under the tree and a cake for baby jesus, my kids and i will be happy. Now for all of you that are so unhappy in your own lives that you have to attack us and belittle us do me a favor....GO AWAY AND GROW UP.