Been a While

Hi Everyone,
I know i havent posted in a while but its been a very busy summer for us so far. Audrianna is doing very well right now, she completed her last round of chemo 2 weeks ago and we have been hitting the amusement parks since then!!!! The first week of september we will be getting new scans to find out if the tumor they found 6 months ago is gone or if its still growing. Audrianna's doctors are very optimistic and we are all hoping to here the words N.E.D.(no evidence of disease). It's very hard for me as a mom to get my hopes up because it seems like everytime that i do there is more bad news, so right now we are just living for today and hoping that tomorrow is as bright as right now.Audrianna is going to start Pre-school on August 25th which is a HUGE step for our whole family especially considering when she was diagnosed we didnt know if she would make it a month to her 3rd bday so this is an awesome Milestone!!!!! I want to thank all of you that pray for her daily and to everyone out there that has supported our family through all of this, Your love and support has helped keep us going. On a sad note another beautiful little girl named Katie passed away today from this Horrible disease called Neuroblastoma and our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with her family right now:(http://ourturkey.blogspot.com/ please pray that her parents and little sister can make it through this:(
I am thankful everyday that Audrianna seems to be getting better but omg the fear of relapse is never and i mean NEVER far from the front of your mind when your child has cancer:( I am including a picture of Audrianna and 2 of her beautiful friends from the Hospital. Karson is 18months and has Neuroblastoma like Audrianna and Sophia is 1yr old and has A.L.L Leukemia...these are Audrianna's Babies as she calls them lol!!!!
On a brighter note i added pictures of the Team Audrianna Bracelet and Vinyl Window sticker here and you can just click the paypal button to pay for them to make everyones life easier!
Thank You.....Angela aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy

God im so tired:(

I am so tired of my baby being sick and so tired of having to watch her in pain:(I just wish this nightmare was over and she was healthy and happy again. Unless people have walked in these shoes they dont understand, they say they do but they dont. Just like the doctors say oh we understand...BULLSHIT...unless they have lost or are in the process of losing a child they dont understand. They dont understand the anger that you feel, the anger at god,the anger at medical protocols and hospital beauracracy,the anger that you cant kiss your baby and make her feel better,i have so much anger and i dont know how to let it go because some days the anger is the ONLY thing keeping me standing upright.The docs dont get that the longer your here away from home and your support system the crazier you feel sometimes. Plus you get so attached to the other kids here that when something happens to one of them it's like something happening to one of your own, one of our friends here just relapsed with leukemia for the 4th time,she is a beautiful girl and has had leukemia since she was 3 and now she is 18 and relapsed yet again,this time she needs a stem-cell transplant and a donor to survive. HOW can you tell me is that fair and what has this child done to hurt anyone and why is she suffering? AND OMG if one more peron tells me that GOD DOESNT GIVE YOU MORE THEN YOU CAN HANDLE i think ill just start screaming and NEVER STOP!!! Ok sorry i guess im done feeling sorry for myself now on a Better note. The docs upped the pain meds audrianna is getting by mouth and it's not killing the pain but it's helping keep her sedated enough that she isnt screaming in pain which is better,as far as im concerned if she sleeps through this 5days stretch and wakes up feeling better thats fine with me. I guess since she is finally sleeping i should get some sleep since neither of us have slept much in the last 2 days and im so emotionally and physically exhausted its not even funny.sigh,night all and thanks for letting me vent!

I HATE HOSPITALS AND THERE STUPID FUCKING RULES

Ok so today has been the shittiest day ever so far grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!Audrianna is supposed to be on a Pain Pump(PCA) of Dylaudid for pain management while she gets this round of chemo and she has had it twice before BUT now the hospital is saying the way they did it before was an ERROR and they can't do it without an IV!! Audri doesnt want an IV and started screaming the minute they mentioned IV and last time she had one she tried to pull it out uughh. I have been fighting with them all goddamn day to get the PCA and nope they wont do it becaue pharmacy wont sign off on it SOOOOOO now she is getting oral meds that dont work as well:( Doctors are tellin me that by wednesday she will probably be in so much pain we will be begging for the damn IV but right now im sticking to my guns and making them leave her alone. So at this point im afraid to even leave her room incase someone goes in there and does something without me there....UUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i Just want her to be better goddamit i just want her not to have to suffer anymore...is that to much to freaking ask??? I am so damn angry i swear to god i just want to punch someone and the next person that gets in my face i might, so ya'll might see me on the news lol Local Neuroblastoma Mom Loses her Cool and beats up the doctor! Ok i have to go so her dad can leave i'll update more later!

Day 4 of chemo

Yesterday was just as horrible as the day before. The day started out ok and she played with her nurse and had a good day, then the chemo pain started and she was beyond miserable. My parents brought Kyra to visit again and audrianna wanted her in the room one minute and wanted her gone th next,then poor Kyra cries because she has to leave and audri cries and im torn in 2. It sucks when you have to leave one child behind to take care of another, i pray everyday that Kyra wont grow up to hate me for leaving her or resent her sister because i had to!My mom tells me Kyra is a baby she isnt going to remember any of this but the mom part of me says she is 2yrs old and she breaks my heart when i have to leave her even though i know her grandparents take great care of her, sigh, mommy guilt sucks!Audrianna needs me right now she is sick and in pain all the time and i cant cut myself in 2 no matter how much id like to find a way to do just that. Today is the last day of this cycle of chemo and now audrianna has a high fever and they are going to start Iv antibiotics and hope the fever passes overnight, if not we will prolly be here for the weekend,sigh just one more holiday spent in here. Our trip to disney is next friday so im really hoping that the fever passes and she stays well so we can go because she is so looking forward to it and we need time as a family to just be *Normal* She had a smile a mile wide today when she got a package from Stephanie in the mail today from KanesChicBoutique!!! Stephanie sent audrianna and kyra each a beautiful minnie mouse dress with there names embroidered on them and audri had to try hers on and show all the nurses and take pictures with everyone lol it was the best feeling to see her so happy!!!Then of course she got sick and asked for medicine and went to sleep, thankfully she is sleeping peacefully now, but i doubt she will make it through the night asleep because she has a horrible cough that keeps waking her up. Please everyone pray for a good night and for her fever to pass and stay gone!If we get out of here tomorrow ill post the pics of her in her dress.

Chemo SUCKS!!!!!

Audrianna is having a very hard time with this chemo:( she is in alot of pain and really miserable. First day of chemo they couldnt get her pain meds right and she screamed for 8hours straight, hit me, kicked me, threw me out of her room and then screamed for me to come back uughh it was HORRIBLE! Today is day 2 of this nasty round of chemo and the day started out ok because they increased her meds but as the day went on the pain got worse and she got upset and miserable again and screamed at everyone to leave her alone when my family came to visit she threw them out of her room. Now she has finally screamed herself to sleep again:( This is the worst part, the part where i cant make it better, where nothing i do or say helps her past the pain and i feel so helpless and worthless,as her mom i should be able to make everything better BUT unfortunately i cant make cancer better no matter what i do:(I pray everyday for the strength just to get through to the next day and for her to fight this and get well, please god answer my prayers already!

Upcoming Hospital Stay

Tomorrow Audrianna goes back into the hospital for her next round of chemo Blah. I am hoping that this round wont be as bad as the last 3 were, but i know she will be on a pain pump and im just hoping this time it keeps her comfortable. Audrianna has been filling her days with fun things to do like she is afraid there wont be another day to do anything fun, which makes me worry so much that she knows something i dont but again it's prolly just me being a paranoid mom!!Yesterday she went to *That Bounce Place* In Edwardsville and had the best day just having fun with her sister and being a kid.Today we went to the italian festival in our public park and she got to ride the ponies and go in the jumpy house soooo she was thrilled to pieces and was very mad when it rained and she couldnt ride the ponies again lol typical kid.As her mom im trying so hard to stay positive and think she is beating this she is going to kick cancers ass BUT i am terrified of the new scans they are going to do in June when we come home from disney,if those scans give us bad news i dont know if ill be able to handle that, but again as her mom i'll have to handle it:( So everyone out there praying for Audrianna please pray that the new scans in June come back Clear, that the cancer hasnt spread or turned into live tumors because if it has then this fight gets so much harder yet again! Ok for now im going to try and be postive and happy and i'll keep everyone updated on here this week as to how she is doing with the chemo!

Audrianna's birthday

Audrianna had the best birthday ever...and thats a direct quote from the now 4yr old!~ She had an awesome time and if you could have seen her smile when *Hannah* came into the room, nothing else mattered! She forgot to be a sick kid today and she was just a beautiful little girl having the time of her life dancing and singing with her new best friend *Hannah Montana* Thank You So Much Gwen!!! And thank you to everyone from the Just like hannah Show!!!As her mom it's moments like these that are so rare and precious, days where all she does is smile and remember to be a kid, not a sick kid. I know that today is a memory that will stick with all of us forever, Audrianna and Kyra both got to sing the Best of Both worlds with there idol and The Climb, and mommy cried like a baby because they were both so happy. The look on Audri's face when she saw Hannah today was priceless and its a memory that will be with me when im old and grey and forgetting everything lol but i will never ever ever forget that look because it's the Happiest i have seen her since she was diagnosed with Cancer. We met alot of great people today,Anette and Her daughter from Aimee's Army came and it was wonderful to meet them and we hope to goto there walk against childhood cancer in september! Gwen and her mom and all the people from the Just Like Hannah Show who are all such amazing people. So many people that came out just to meet Audrianna i cant even keep them all straight in my head. There were lots of Old and New Friends.It was great to have Kelly's Uncle Henry and Aunt Holly there even though it was bittersweet because we all Miss Her so Much....Happy Birthday In heaven to Audrianna's Bff Forever!!!!! Thank You to Woody Wolfe for coming to sing and making this day even more Amazing because he was there. Kelsey, Lindsay and Erleen our wonderful friends from *clinic* thank You for coming out and Playing Princesses for Audrianna even though i know you didnt feel well Kelsey!!!Thanks to ALL the people from news 13(Kristen,Nikki,Christina,Bob)that came out and helped today and from Upside Down Town(Tracy,Liz,Pam) you all ROCK and we Love You. Thank You to Kristan and *Sweet Sensations Bakery* And all there wonderful friends that came to help and brought food and everything else that helped make the party a success. Thanks to Rainbow the clown for making all the kids happy. Thanks to Pony Paradise for coming and setting up the pony rides and the petting zoo and to DJ MIXX for Jamming out, and a Big Shout out to Chris and Linda for taking all the pictures,And Amy from LcCreations for Making our Wonderful Team Audrianna Tshirts, omg i hope i covered everyone!!!!!! Oh wait no i didnt, Thank You to Caroline and Dave Dohrman for coming out to celebrate even though i know it had to be rough for them to be there, we LOVE YOU!!Thank You Dr.Tom and Laura for coming out she loved having you there.And Thank You to ALL of my WONDERFUL FAMILY MEMBERS AND BEST FRIENDS that came today and helped Make this day so special for Audrianna. I LOVE YOU MOM, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!! Ok now i am also going to say thank you to everyone lol there incase i missed anyone that EVERYONE covers it. We love you all so much and Audrianna's Day was perfect because you were all there to share it with her.My Wish is that we will all be able to share it next year. Goodnight everyone and to all the Mom's out there, Happy Mothers Day!!