19 weeks and no relief from pain in sight

Hi Baby....I cant believe its been 19weeks since you went to play with the angel's...these have been the hardest weeks of my life....nothing seems right without you here, everything is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it...it feels like a roller coaster ride that will never end...most days I can get through with the fake smile and telling everyone im ok even when im not...most people wont question it because they really don't want to know so the Im Ok response works....my emotions are all over the place and I am so lost without you...I smile and take care of sissy because she needs me and most days I can make it through without falling apart but then somedays like today I just cant....I decided it was time to finish going through your clothes today and work on going through your toys and getting things ready to be donated to other kids who can use these things...I knew it would be hard but I didn't think it would be devastating...everytime I touched a toy that you loved my heart would break because you were never going to hold it again...so many of your Favorite stuffed animals that still had the hospital wristbands with your name and medical record number around there necks as collars so if we left them in the hospital someone would know who it belong to...everytime I picked one of them up I would remember where or how you got it and how long you cuddled with it and my heart hurt so bad knowing you didn't have any of them to cuddle with now.....And your beautiful clothes that your never gonna wear again...the tutu we made in the hospital with Miss Samantha...some of the things I just cant part with...It hurts to much to think of someone else playing with it or wearing it....so I kept a big bag of stuff, bigger then id normally keep because well we all know daddy is the hoarder and mommy is the thrower away-er....but not today, today I hoarded all your memories into a bag and cried because that's all I have left of you...a gooddamn bag full of stuff and an Urn full of ashes and it is so fucking unfair, you should be here with us, swimming with your sister...who by the way you would be so proud of because she learned to go underwater!!!!!!!!!!! You should be sitting in your butterfly garden watching the butterflies like we were today, You should be getting excited to see your cousins on Monday and dammit your not here for any of these things and it's just not right...no Mom or Dad should EVER outlive there baby....It is the most devastating thing ever....I know why Grandma Gerry was never the same after uncle jimmy was hit by the drunk driver now, I know her pain and it SUCKS...the only thing that gets me through most days is the HOPE that your ok, the thought that your pain is gone now and the dream of seeing you again one day...I love You Baby