Missing The Half of My Heart thats in Heaven

Hi Baby...Its been a while since mommy posted here but its not because i dont miss you, its because i miss you so much it hurts to post all the time and pour my heart out. But its that time of year again where the pain starts and gets bad . I cant believe its been 8yrs since that first Easter when you were diagnosed with Neuroblastoma and i thought i had heard the worst words of my life... Your Child has Cancer...but they werent the worst words, no those words would come later and in different forms like...Your Child Needs to go home on Hospice and then Your Child has no options left and then Your Child is going to Die. Nobody understands just how awful this journey is until they live it and NOBODY comes back out of it as a whole person ,how could they when half their heart is gone. I have been working and keeping busy so i dont have to try and think to hard about you not being here as the holidays come and go, so i dont have to miss you as much everytime your beautiful sister hits a milestone that you will never hit. Your birthday is coming and you would be turning 11 and probably getting boy crazy and telling me you hate me when you didnt like my answers to things and yet i never get to expreience any of that with you, i dont get to take you to pick out a dress for a school dance, talk to you about how the high heels you want are way to high for an 11yr old , talk to you about your first kiss and begging you not to kiss boys till your 30, No i dont get any of that because Cancer Stole that from Us. I wish you were here to help your sister, she is so lost without you egging her on, you always were the one to say come on Kyra you can do it and she would follow you blindly...now she is araid to do anything because she doesnt have you pushing her not to be afraid. I wish you were here for poppa john and nana to hug them and make poppa john cook for you and nana make you hats. I wish you were in my arms and snuggling with me, but no matter how much i wish these things they will never happen because Cancer stole you away and we can never get any of that back. We miss you baby and i just wanted to let you know that you havent been forgotten, sometimes its just to hard to put these things into words without sounding crazy....Love You Baby Girl, Keep Sparkling and Ruling Heaven with Your Smile and Your Glitter , Love Mommy

September is Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month...Be Aware!

September is For the Kids....at least thats how it is supposed to be, we are supposed to be fighting to get awareness out there so our kids can get more funding and help them to stop dying...But Alas it doesnt happen. The Pink for breast cancer comes out in september and takes over till november and the kids get no recognition at all. Did you know that out of all the money raised by the american cancer society only 4% goes to pediatric cancer and that there has only been 1 new drug for kids in the last 25yrs and that the kids get adult doses of chemo?? Most people do NOT know that and most honestly unless its happening to their kid DONT CARE. Did you know that most kids die not from the cancer but from the complications of the chemo?? That their organs shut down from the chemo and radiation we put into their bodies so even if the cancer dies they still dont survive. Did you know that a small infection like an absessed tooth can kill a kid that just beat cancer and then she ends up in the ICU and dies from the complications?? I DIDNT KNOW UNTIL IT WAS MY CHILD....BUT I WISH THAT I HAD SO THAT I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO LOOK FOR AND SO I COULD HELP OTHER PEOPLE....WELL NOW I KNOW BECAUSE MY BABY DIED AND NOW I WILL FIGHT TILL I HAVE NO FIGHT LEFT SO THAT OTHER PARENTS/SIBLINGS/FAMILIES DONT FEEL THE WAY WE FEEL SINCE WE LOST OUR CHILD....Please educate yourselves and know the signs so that you dont ever have to bury your child :( I miss my baby every day, a piece of my soul went with her when she flew to the angels and ill never get it back...but i pray everyday that nobody else i love has to suffer through this. And i wonder why my child and the whys will kill ya slowly, they eat you alive....but as a parent your supposed to be able to kiss the boo boo's and make them better...and unfortunately you cant make cancer better no matter how hard you try....Since Audrianna was diagnosed in April of 2009 all but 3 of the children we met and loved along the way have died and believe me the number of kids is very high ad i could name them all....because everytime one of them dies a piece of me goes with them as if they were my own...this disease is Horrible and its killing our future because there is NO Cure, No Funding,NO Drugs just for the kids. Look at my babies face and tell me she should have died, that she wasnt worth more then 4 percent!!!!!!!!!

We Miss You Audrianna Everyday...Forever 6, Forever Loved, Forever in our Hearts

September is Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month...Be Aware!

September is For the Kids....at least thats how it is supposed to be, we are supposed to be fighting to get awareness out there so our kids can get more funding and help them to stop dying...But Alas it doesnt happen. The Pink for breast cancer comes out in september and takes over till november and the kids get no recognition at all. Did you know that out of all the money raised by the american cancer society only 4% goes to pediatric cancer and that there has only been 1 new drug for kids in the last 25yrs and that the kids get adult doses of chemo?? Most people do NOT know that and most honestly unless its happening to their kid DONT CARE. Did you know that most kids die not from the cancer but from the complications of the chemo?? That their organs shut down from the chemo and radiation we put into their bodies so even if the cancer dies they still dont survive. Did you know that a small infection like an absessed tooth can kill a kid that just beat cancer and then she ends up in the ICU and dies from the complications?? I DIDNT KNOW UNTIL IT WAS MY CHILD....BUT I WISH THAT I HAD SO THAT I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO LOOK FOR AND SO I COULD HELP OTHER PEOPLE....WELL NOW I KNOW BECAUSE MY BABY DIED AND NOW I WILL FIGHT TILL I HAVE NO FIGHT LEFT SO THAT OTHER PARENTS/SIBLINGS/FAMILIES DONT FEEL THE WAY WE FEEL SINCE WE LOST OUR CHILD....Please educate yourselves and know the signs so that you dont ever have to bury your child :( I miss my baby every day, a piece of my soul went with her when she flew to the angels and ill never get it back...but i pray everyday that nobody else i love has to suffer through this. And i wonder why my child and the whys will kill ya slowly, they eat you alive....but as a parent your supposed to be able to kiss the boo boo's and make them better...and unfortunately you cant make cancer better no matter how hard you try....Since Audrianna was diagnosed in April of 2009 all but 3 of the children we met and loved along the way have died and believe me the number of kids is very high ad i could name them all....because everytime one of them dies a piece of me goes with them as if they were my own...this disease is Horrible and its killing our future because there is NO Cure, No Funding,NO Drugs just for the kids. Look at my babies face and tell me she should have died, that she wasnt worth more then 4 percent!!!!!!!!!

10th Birthday

Ten Years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed hoping you would decide to hold on and stay in my belly for a little while longer because it was just to soon for you to be born. My parents had left and I was watching tv when the nurses came in all worried because your heartrate wasn't moving like it should, the doc came in and told me that he felt you were in distress and I needed an emergency C-section right away.Thinking I had time for nana and daddy to get to me I called them and told them to hurry because I was scared,i was only 29 1/2 weeks pregnant BUT you didn't want to stay in and be warm and safe you wanted to rush out and meet the world screaming and that's exactly what you did and it was just me and you because they missed your birth by 10 minutes. You were so tiny 2lbs 13oz 15inches long...the smallest baby I had ever seen but you had the lungs of a sailor and the farts of a trucker!!!! I was never so scared or happy in my life you were my mothers day baby and the best gift I have ever received, you spent the next 8 1/2 weeks in that hospital fighting to come home. It seems to me that you spent 90percent of your life in hospitals, first you were a preemie and then you got cancer,we had maybe 1 1/2 years of your life that you weren't in and out of hospitals all the time. You should be here today celebrating your first double digit milestone but instead your sitting in an urn on a shelf because your life was cut tragically short.You My Beautiful Audrianna were so brave and so fearless and you brought a smile to everyone you met. You touched so many lives in your short dash.

Nobody except maybe another grieving parent understands the loss of a child or how it makes you feel. I am angry and sad all the time.I hate having to fake smile to get through life. I don't want to be around people or talk to people. I am short with everyone and I literally hate myself which in turns makes me hate them and their fucking happy lives. I hated seeing all your friends reach their 10th birthdays and watch all the loving celebrations they had with their families...not because I don't love those kids or I'm not happy or their families BUT because your not here to do the same thing.I don't get to pick out the cake you want with you,buy you a new dress and of course shoes.I don't get to plan the perfect party or take you to your first concert or a movie you would have wanted to see. No I don't get to do any of that but I do get to watch all your friends parents do it and see all the smiling faces of their happy lives. Meanwhile I sit here crying endlessly because I will never have that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was never a Jealouse person, I didn't care if someone had more then me or a better car or things like that as long as I had my Family and now I don't have my family because its BROKEN and I am so damn jealous of the ones that aren't.I feel like a horrible person all the time and I really used to be the loving caring friend/aunt/mom/daughter...now my give a fuck button is broken and I just don't care and can't function well enough to be that person anymore. I feel like I'm outside my body watching some inner demonic bitch run my life and I don't know how to kick her to the curb and stop letting that happen.

I wonder everyday what you would look like today, would you still love the little mermaid since she was your favorite princess.Would Icarly still be one of your favorite shows and would you still like the mean girls in shows better then the nice ones.I wonder if your hair would be long or short,if you would still prefer dresses or pants,if you would still be riding your bike like a daredevil.There are so many things I have to wonder about because your not here.I wonder if you would be at the omg mom stage and starting to be embarrassed by me,i wonder if your sister would still be brave because she had you to help...instead of her being so afraid of everything since you died. I hate that I have to wonder these things and ill never know for sure and the pain in my heart gets worse everyday,it never seems to heal and I wonder if it ever will. Yes tomorrow Is your birthday the 4th one since you took your last breathe and then the next day is mothers day and I wonder how the fuck I'm gonna get through it all with a smile on my face for your sister and everyone else who needs me to be strong because crying isn't an option.

This picture is of our last Happy mothers Day together....I love You Baby <3

Kyra's Surgery

Hi Baby....So sissy has been having problems with her tonsils and Adenoids just like you did and she had to have surgery to have them removed. We took her to Danville and Had your favorite ENT Dr.Helwig and then stayed the night on childrens 3 with some of our favorite nurses(Tom and Joe had the first shift with us and I know you were smiling for that) It was very hard for Daddy to goto the hospital for sissy's apt with dr helwig and it was VERY HARD for mommy, sissy and nana to be there without you.Was very hard staying overnight in YOUR Hospital but also kinda felt like going home too, I have missed all the friends that we made along our journey, the nurses and docs that became such a big part of our family. Mommy did ok being there till a few things happened in a row....1st things was Pet therapy and you know Kyra loves those dog visits as much as you did...2nd was Kyra wanted to goto the playroom and sitting there at the table watching her was like looking in a mirror at you and my heart hurt so bad for both of you...3rd was having to hold kyra down to get an IV taken out, omg it was horrible and once she fell asleep mommy kinda cracked up and couldnt stop crying till i called a friend who talked me though it....It was very hard being where my oldest daughter took her last breathe with my younger daughter being sick....BUT I requested we be on CH3 and at Geisinger because I knew the docs and nurses there would take care of Kyra better then any docs or nurses anywhere else because to them she is FAMILY....she is the baby they remember toddling down the hallways after you and your IV Pole,the baby that grew up there right in front of them and None of them could believe how big she got or how much she reminded them of you(she even woke up at 1am when Misty did her vitals and then was dancing in the hallway when she wanted to goto the kitchen for chocolate milk,it was like DEJAVU)......Sissy is still recovering and feeling icky from her surgery but we are hoping she feels better in a few days.She couldn't wait to leave the hospital and go home to be with Geena(who she takes care of very well because she was BOTH of yours) So now we are home and she is snuggled with Your Puppy(Geena)and watching movies on the kindle till she starts to feel better and let me tell ya she is a bad patient lol she hates taking oral meds(like you did)even though I tell her its gonna make her throat better she cries and cries but eventually does it even if I had to bribe her with something she wants to get her to do it(with you it was shoes as a bribe,with Kyra its dolls or stuffed cats) and even though I know bribing isn't the best way to handle the meltdowns I also know its the only way I can keep my sanity......well baby watch over sissy for me and help her feel better and ill talk to you soon xoxoxo Love Always...Mommy

/

Halloween Starts off the Painfull holidays

Hi Baby...so we just had our 2nd Halloween without you and it just isn't the same no matter how hard I try to make it that way.....This is the 2nd year your sister has said to me...Mommy what do you think Audri would have wanted to be for Halloween and we played the game of what you would have been and we settled on Elsa because you always had to be the Queen!!!!! Sissy was a Tigress because she loves cats so much and has always been our Kitty(some days she is good kitty and other days she is bad kitty) and of course Rhianna was with us and she was a Girl Cheeta.....

Nana and Poppa John went with us and Nana was a Flower Child and Poppa John put crazy pink coloring in his beard(your favorite color)....we all miss you so much but we go on everyday for Kyra and try to keep each other sane....the rest of this year is hard for mommy because you loved the big dinner at Thanksgiving and Of course you and sissy loved Christmas together and I just cant believe its been 21 months since your gone....I remember when you first got sick and you were going in for transplant in 2009 and we were going to be in the hospital for Christmas so we combined thanksgiving and Christmas and we had THANKSMAS and Santa came to the house and delievered yours and kyras gifts lol you were both so excited and waiting by the door but the minute santa said HoHoHo you both screamed and ran and hid...that is one of the best holiday memories I have of you....kyra was 1 1/2 and you were 3 1/2 and I remember thinking we were doing this because you might not come home from transplant....BUT you did and you got 4more yrs after that for us to be thankfull for and I know I should be thankfull I got all that time with you and I am BUT im also Mad that ill never get more time with you. This is the last picture I have of you and kyra together on Halloween, you were both so tiny and got I miss you baby...sissy was the duck from wonderpets and you were foofa