Audrianna's Story

Crazy Life

2012-02-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry i havent posted a blog since christmas but our lives have been crazy.Between Audrianna's treatments and mommy going back to work and trying to balance everything there just isnt time for the computer right now. Audrianna is doing ok with her chemo, she has good days and bad but we are hanging in there and trying to stay positive.Right now we are battling a few things like severe back pain that they cannot seem to find a reason for and we are hoping its chemo related and 2 nodules on her lung that the doctors are *watching closely* and hoping that on her MIBG and CT Scans in March they have not grown otherwise she will have to undergo a biopsy of the lung to make sure they aren't cancerous. Audrianna has been having a rough time with the Temedor because she cant swallow caplets and it has gotten so bad she has asked for an NG Tube to be placed twice now so she didnt have to taste the medicine and it doesnt make her want to throw up as bad as if she takes it by mouth.I am very stressed everytime they have to put the new tube in because i hate to see her cry although she did very well this time and only cried for a few minutes it still breaks my heart.Thankfully we have alot of friends and cancer family that are helping us through the stress and helping mommy not to have a nervous breakdown during *HELL WEEK* as i have dubbed her chemo week. Every 3 weeks i have to watch her go through hell, sometimes the hell isnt as bad as others and sometimes its worse...but its always HELL probably more for me then for her because i feel every little bit of pain she feels and i feel it twice over because im her mom.

But everyday i am also thankfull that it isnt worse and she is ALIVE. We have seen so many kids here that have the same disease or other horrible diseases and they have either died or lost body parts to this horrible thing the American cancer Society calls a RARE CANCER...Pediatric Cancer is not RARE and we need more people out there shouting that at the top of there lungs so that kids like Audrianna,Tiara,Wyatt,Bailey,Ryan,Hannah can survive and not become Angel's like so many of there friends:(
Please keep all the babies out there fighting cancer in your prayers and pray for a cure to be found! I will update again as soon as i can and we hope everyone has a Happy Valentines Day!

Home and Christmas

2011-12-28T16:56:00.000-08:00

I know its been about 2 weks since i updated but everything has been crazy here. We were able to get out of the hospital and be home for christmas which was wonderful...then we got all the donations togther From Audriana's Wish Blanket/Toy Drive for Audrianna's Hospital and let me tell ya we only did the drive for less then 2 months and we managed to take 4 full truckloads of stuff to the hospital in time for christmas and we have more going down after new years when we go back to the hospital...everyone that sent things was so fantastic we are so humbled and proud to have some many wonderful people care enough about Audrianna to send things for her so she could make her wish of knowing all her friends at the hospital would be happy for christmas come true!!!!!!!We want to make this a yearly tradition so my goal for the coming year will be this...WE ARE GOING TO START AUDRIANNA'S HOSPITAL DRIVE FOR CHRISTMAS IN JULY AND HAVE IT RUN TILL 2 WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS....I am going to find one of the storage companies to comp the rent on a storage unit for that 6 month period so that i dont have to give up my house lol ....and i am going to get one of the companies in town like uhaul to donate the use of a truck to deliver it all....i am also going to try and setup with childlife at the hospital that we can do a christmas party at the hospital down by the turtle fountain in the childrens hospital...see if we can have someone come sing and have Santa there to hand out gifts to the kids with a photographer to take pictures with Santa...and then donate the rest to the hospital itself so on the 23rd they can use it in there hospital christmas store where the parents of kids stuck in the hospital for christmas get to go down and pick things for FREE for there child so they can wrap them and give them to them from Santa. I know this is a BIG THING TO TAKE ON but its something we want to be able to do for Our Hospital and The kids being treated there and it helps me teach my babies that Christmas isnt just about them getting things its about helping others and what a great way to help make another sick childs day brighter. I am hoping with help from ALL OF YOU we can make this happen...............................................................
I also want to say Thank You to EVERYONE that sent the girls things for Christmas and made there christmas so perfect....i didnt know how i was going to be able to do it this year with Audrianna being sick but once again the wonderful support system i have in my life came through and helped make Christmas perfect for them which in turn made it perfect for me. First they had a fabulous trip to NYC and got to see the Rockettes Christmas show and goto the american girl doll store and get new dolls, the trip was amazing and we couldnt have had a better time. THEN There were 6 big things they asked Santa for and they managed with the help of some wonderful people and wonderful organizations to get 5 of the 6 things...A ride in barbie car which Audrianna has been doing donuts on the street in lol....a dora kitchen that Kyra has not left alone since she woke up christmas morning...The Ultimate christmas dreams Castle that made Audrianna go OMG MOM Santa was listening when she opened it...THE IPAD which made me and Audrianna cry when she opened it....and with all hers and kyra's gift cards for toysrus they got a Hannah Montana TV for there room and play food and pots n pans for the new dora kitchen. Plus all the things that were sent to them, Kyra has so many new Barbies she doesnt know which one to play with first! Oh and we cant forget that even though i said i didnt need anything but to see the smiles on there faces...Nellies Catwalk4Kids didnt want to hear that and they got MOMMY a New Kindle Fire for Christmas because they are amazing....so this christmas was good to us and it couldnt have been any better UNLESS AUDRIANNA WAS CURED AND WE FOUND A CURE FOR PEDIATRIC CANCER!!!!!!!!! But for now we will keep fighting for her cure and the cure for pediatric cancer with all that we have so that other families dont have to suffer like we do. Christmas night after all the pictures were taken and the food was all cleared up Audrianna decided it was time to shave off her hair because it was falling out in clumps so *HANNAH AND I* shaved Audrianna's head and then she shaved mine...now we are matching baldies but i promised her she would never be bald alone again and i meant it...she also shaved poppa johns head and got her cousin dustin to do his.We are in this battle together from now till always and we wont stop till a cure is found and babies stop dying 46/7 forever!!!!!
Gwen aka Hannah and her sister Alana are staying with us till the first of January and the girls have been roller skating for the first time with them, Audrianna loves to skate! Hannah even bought her a pair of roller skates from the skating rink and we got Kyra a pair of the ones that go over the shoe BUT they were to small so i had to get her different onces at toysrus and now my neice Ashleigh will have new skates to, see things do sometimes happen for a reason!
Been very down the last few days and trying really hard to life myself up ever since we shaved Audrianna's Head...im not sad i shaved my hair or she shaved hers, im mad and upset that she HAD TO DO THIS AGAIN...she was so excited to finally have hair again and now she lost it again...FUCKING CANCER it takes everything she loves and im just so sad i couldnt do anything to stop it and no matter how hard i try not to be sad or mad everytime i look at my baby it happens all over and i want to go sit and cry somewhere BUT that is not what she needs so i pick myself up by my bootstraps and i kick myself in the ass and keep going for her.
I just want everyone to know that depression is a real and serious illness and for those of us that fight it everyday its a constant struggle not to give in and lay down and give up...so if you see someone that you think is having problems please reach out to them, even if its just to give them a hug and say im here for you, it might be just what they need to motivate themselves that day!!!!
Again thank you to everyone that follows Audriana's Wish Page and her story we love you all!

Long Few days

2011-12-11T11:17:00.001-08:00

So its been a very long week...first the infection in the line, then the line removal and IV put in.The good news was that the blood infection was ONLY in the line thank god...we have had 2 negative cultures since then and if tomorrow's comes back negative also we will be able to get a PIC LINE and go home on antibiotics. So mommy and audrianna have been both feeling yucky all week which is why there havent been alot of posts. Today Our friend Savanah finally got to go home after 2 weeks and Audrianna's new friend David went home also. We are asking you all to pray for our beautiful new friend Annalee...she will be 1yr old next saturday dec 17th and she has neuroblastoma...poor baby has gone through alot of nasty side effects since she had her firt chemo but she is doing better now...she also just had an infection in her line and had it removed the same day as audrianna...so now she may be stuck here till after her bday. Please pray she gets to go home and has better results on her next round of chemo.

Line Infection

2011-12-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

Audrianna has been admitted for a central line infection in both Lumens(she has a double lumen hickman broviac).Her cultures came back Gram-Negative Postive for Cocksaki so now she has to be inpatient and she is currently getting Rocephin and Vancomyasin Both Antibiotics are the best to kill infections.We are hoping that the Antibiotics will be enough to get the infections under control otherwise they will have to pull her line and give her a new one which we really dont want to have to do because thats just one more surgery she has to have. Yesterday she was at clinic with a 105 fever but once she got the antibiotics in her fever went down and we went home,But this morning they called to say her cultures were back and she had to be admitted. Audrianna hasnt had a fever since yesterday and her spirits are really good which is great, her counts are doing ok also so as long as the antibiotics do there job we might be able to get out of here and go home on antibiotics for the weekend...Please pray that this happens so we can have some quality home time instead of stinky hospital time!

Chemo Is Working!! Inpatient for a week

2011-11-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

Well while everyone else was eating turkey and having a great time we were worried and pacing waiting for the news on Audrianna's Scans...Thankfully on Friday which is the day we celebrated Thanksgiving so we could wait for my youngest brother to be with us we got the call from the Doctor and recieved the best news EVER...the chemo is working YAY...the tumor is shrinking and now its not showing MIBG activity which is sooooo awesome...BUT and yes there is always a BUT with Cancer...now her Adrenal Gland is lighting up again, they are hoping its just old scar tissues which sometimes happens...So now we are having 4 more rounds of chemo and then we will do a new CT Scan and another MIBG Scan to compare them and see how it looks...the docs added Vancristine this round so now she is taking 3 chemos and they upped the dosage on her Ironotecan...her belly is feeling yucky and she has a small case of diarhea but otherwise its going really well. The doctor told me he has never seen a kid have good results and then have bad again so he is VERY OPTIMISTIC that the next round of scans should be even better news(at least thats what i got out of his doctor speak for i cant really give you statistics lol) ANYWAY i just wanted to give a quick update on how she was feeling and let everyone know this week is hard but not as hard as it has been....thank you all for caring and praying....Love Angela and Audrianna!

Depressed and Scared

2011-11-18T22:36:00.000-08:00

This has been a really bad week one of my dear friends lost there beautiful 3yr old son Karson to Neuroblastoma. Sunday i have to goto Karson's viewing because his parents would be there for me if the roles were reversed...i want to be there for Tish and Brian but i also want to run screaming and hide under the covers and not come out...every baby that dies, every funeral i attend, a piece of me dies with them and im not sure how many more pieces i can lose before i lose my mind completely.Karson was such a beautiful baby with a bright smile and a giggle that would fill the whole room and knowing that his light has been exstinguished before he ever had a chance to grow and really shine SUCKS.I cant even fathom what his poor parents are going through or his 2 older brothers...i can say i have walked in there shoes to this point but i cant say i know how they feel now...i can say i know how id feel and it wouldnt be good, so im going to say my goodbyes and help hold them up because if they feel like id feel all they want to do is fall down and die without there baby.

The depression seems to be eating me alive this week...i havent wanted to get out of bed or leave the house...i get the girls off to school and back on the couch to sleep i go..i want to get up and go do things but i just cant make myself do it...today was the first day i actually willingly left the house and went out in public all week.

I feel so alone all the time even when im surrounded by people/family i still feel sad and alone. I dont tell them this and i smile and act like nothings wrong because nobody wants to be around someone who is sad all the time,so i have learned to fake the smile to perfection and say yes im fine no worries im strong i can handle it. When inside im dying little by little because really im not strong...i just act that way because its what everyone needs to see.

My husband and i seem to live on different planets,we live in the same house but dont talk unless we are yelling at each other and im being told im the bitch and if i was Nicer things would be different...yeah Ok sure let me get right on that...he doesnt understand the depression,basically wants me to suck it up and start acting like the girl he got together with 20yrs ago and well im not that girl anymore...waiting forever for a child after being told i was never going to have one and then getting a miracle that had to fight from her first breathe since she was a preemie and then at the age of 2 she gets cancer...kinda changes a girl and well im not happy go lucky anymore...i have 2 beautiful babies and yet one of them fights for her life everyday. My husband lives in his bubble of everything is going to be alright while i live in the reality of it might not be and its really hard to be the only one that has to deal with the nightmare everyday.

Next week is Thanksgiving and i am so grateful to have both my babies here with me for it...but i am also terrified since Audrianna is having her scans the day before thanksgiving to see if the cancer has stabilized/grown/gone and what our next step will be. The docs have to let us know asap because if its working then she has to go back in for chemo on the 28th and they are going to add another drug to the mixture to try and kill any cells that may still be there. Audrianna has been complaining about back pain and her legs hurting:( This could be a sign the tumor is growing or it could be growing pains..either way everytime she says something hurts my heart stops. I am so scared they are going to tell me the chemo isnt working and ill have to go through with audrianna's decision not to do more invasive chemo and let her be done and go home. I dont know that i can handle that..i thought i could before but now as the time is getting closer all i can do is scream inside about how we need to keep looking we need to keep fighting...and then i think of Karson and how they did keep fighting and looking and he faded away and lost his battle anyway no matter how hard they tried and i think...can i do that to her? I wish to god i had a magic 8 ball i could shake that would give me all the right answers and id never have to be in this position because hell the magic 8 ball would be making the choices not me. Not my 5yr old either.I wish with all my heart and sould that cancer didnt touch our babies and they didnt need to suffer and i wish to god it had NEVER touched mine.

Day 3 and 4 of chemo

2011-11-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

Day 3 of chemo was just as bad as the first 2 days lots of crying and fighting not to take the yucky chemo.She was so upset that even Uncle Denny had tears in his eyes and wanted to yell no dont make her take it leave her alone,but he didnt he just stood there trying to bribe her along with the rest of us. After she took her chemo she wanted benadryl cause her belly hurt and she was whiped out so she napped for 3hours after that. THEN her day got so much brighter because she got a surprise visit from a couple of wonderful beautiful girls that dressed as Princess Cinderella and Princess Bell for her and brought her presets, made christmas ornaments with her and colored. Audrianna gave them Team Audrianna Shirts and after having a wonderful 3hr princess party they all took pictures together in the shirts before they went home.
I am so thankfull to have wonderful people in our lives that do things like this to help her smile.

Today is day 4 of chemo hell week and we tried to trick her into taking the nasty chemo. Her nurse mixed it with her antibiotic and we gave it to her with a syringe lol i pushed abotu 3/4 of it into her mouth and she swallowed and yelled ewww that has chemo in it...no fooling this kid i tell ya.We spent the next 20mins or so trying to get her to take the lil bit that was left uggh i sometimes wish she wasnt so smart lol but there was no crying or screaming today so that make4s today a much better day.
Now she is in the playroom with her sister....YES i said sister wooohooo she was finally well enough for her grandparents to bring her to visit.Kyra was so excited because the princesses left her a present also, and it matched her sisters!

Audrianna is just happy to have her sister, nana, and poppa john visiting her and we are all in the playroom right now playing dont break the ice...thank goodness for the little things that help us get through the day!

DAY 2 RD 4 CHEMO HELL

2011-11-09T02:01:00.000-08:00

Today was probably worse then yesterday and i didnt think that was possible uugh.The day started out fine because she wasnt getting chemo till 330,so she got to eat lunch, play in the playroom and make a new friend named Kaylana which was very very nice. BUT THEN....it was time for chemo grrrrr and welcome to HELL.
Audrianna said she would take the chemo with chocolate milk and then decided it was so gross she wasnt taking it.We tried everything till she was finally so upset and hysterical she asked the nurse to put in an NG Tube so she didnt have to taste it.Well the nurses dcided to give her what she wanted and came in with the tube and her favorite male nurse Jason. As soon as audrianna saw the tube she started freaking out and crying and telling Jason ill drink it..ill drink it ...i dont want the tube. After almost an hour and half of fighting with her she drank the meds wit Jason and didnt get the tube.
My heart was breaking just to hear my baby ask for an NG tube, you know the chemo is bad when a 5yr old would rather be held down for a tune down there throat then swallow it.:( Audriana got some bendaryl after that cause she was so upset and took a nap. When she woke up there was a beautiful care package for Audrianna from the Group from THON pennstate hazleton campus, and it was the first time she smiled all day She is right now sleeping with the blankie and pillow pet....THANK YOU HAZLETON THON!!!!!! You made a sick young girl very happy today.

DAY 1 ROUND 4. OF CHEMO..CANCER SUCKS

2011-11-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

So today Audrianna was admitted for her 4th round of chemo and let me tell ya its been a hell of a day so far.The one chemo she has to take only comes in capsule form and she has to take 75 miligrams of it which is a total of 6 pills and she cannot swallow them sooooo it has to be put in some type of food or drink and so far NOTHING has worked to take the nasty taste out of her mouth. Today we used the orange juice like we have the last 2 times and she has just had lunch like an hour or so before...her favorite chinese food of course...and what happens you ask...well she gets the chemo and loses every blessed thing she ate all over her blankie uugh and then because she hadnt kept it down for 20mins she had to do it all over!! The 2nd time we tried Yogurt but she couldnt stop crying and being hysterical long enough to even try.Finally after trying to bribe her with everything and anything and nothing working we had to get *Mean*...tell her either she took it or they were going to put in a nose tube(NG TUBE) and give it to her that way,this set off another round of hysteria which i then calmed her down from again,tried to give her the yogurt and NOOO wasnt gonna happen so i had to hold her down and force it in and hope to god she wouldnt throw up again...she started to gag and i had to yell at her not to puke or she would have to do this again which is the Only reason she kept it in...now i feel like the worst person on earth for having to do this to her But i know it had to be done,yet i hate myself, hate this disease, hate everything right now that is hurting my baby:(
Mommy had to walk away and go in the bathroom and bang her head a few times and cry a little so Audrianna wouldnt see her, then come back out and smile again till reinforcements got there.
Thankfully now Uncle Denny is here, he brought her a new blankie thank god and some goodies so she is smiling and mommy got to run away to the playroom and type and cry in private.
NOBODY Knows this hell unless they have been there with a sick child and even then every hell is different in ways.This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life and i swear if one more person tells me this is just my cross to bear and god doesnt give you more then you can handle...im gonna take that cross and ram it where the friggin sun doesnt shine!!!!!!!!!!!
Pissed off and scared and stuff like that doesnt help,even though i know people are trying to make me feel better...it really doesnt.
Found out today that out dear friend Karson is being transferred to CT Childrens Hospital and hopefully they will put him on a new trial otherwise his parents will be taking him home to live out his days and today is his 3RD BIRTHDAY...HOW FUCKING FAIR IS THAT?? I am so tired of watching these babies die, why cant they find a damn cure grrrrrrrr so angry right now and so damn sad.

2 weeks at home

2011-11-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone i know i havent posted in a while but whenever we are home things get really hectic trying to squeeze every minute out of the day!!Audrianna and Kyra are so happy to be together and goto school that the running never stops which is an awesome thing.Audrianna was so happy to goto school and be able to participate in trick-or-treating with her sister this year. We originally picked out adorable witch costumes for both of them and then we got hit with a HUGE Snowstorm that dropped 14inches of snow on our town lol so out went the witches and thanks to a very good friend Tina they got to be ScoobyDoo and Dot the Ant from the movie Ants...Both girls were thrilled with the new costumes and i was able to put there snowsuits under the costumes so they were nice and snuggly warm when we went out.I took them to a safe trick or treat in a gated community that held there's from 2-4pm which was awesome so we were out with the sun when it was 35degrees out instead of at night when it was 20 lol the girls had a great time and so did i.

Unfortunately then Kyra got sick with the flu and of course i blamed myself because i let them play in the snow and took them out for halloween...now yes i know thats crazy they didnt get sick from that but still as a mom ya always blame yourself. Audrianna held out for a few days and so did mommy but then we both got sick also. The girls havent gone to school in 3 days and im hoping they can go back tomorrow..fingers crossed!

Audrianna and I have decided to help out our hospitals oncology floor for christmas and we have started a Christmas Blanket/pillowcase/Hat/Scarf/Toy/games for the playroom anything you can give drive!!!! We are hoping to have lots of stuff to hand out to the kids this year. The one thing Audrianna always looks forward to when she goes to the hospital is asking the volunteers from child life for a new blanket and pillowcase and then arts and crafts to do in her room. For the last 3 months they havent had any blankets because there supply has run low and i know alot of the kids love to get them so we are hoping to replenish the supply and be able to give each kid a new blanket for christmas and hopefully a few other things:)
Here is the link and we hope that some of you can join us in making this christmas a little better for the oncology kids at Janet Weis Childrens Hospital!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=289612344393746

Speaking of hospital's we go in for the next round of chemo on monday november 7th and then 3weeks after that we do scans to see if the chemo is working!

3rd day rd3 chemo

2011-10-19T21:21:00.000-07:00

Day 3 started off ok but then Audrianna wasnt feeling so well in the afternoon,she got a belly ache and was very cranky. So Audrianna and Mommy spent 4hrs in her room watching the Lion King and Lion King Part 2 until she felt better.Audrianna has made a new friend named Bailey who is 6yrs old and has leukemia, Bailey is in the room next to us and hasnt been feeling well either so today when they were both feeling better for a little while the girls went to the playroom and colored together.It was good for both of them because they both seemed to get there energy back for a bit before they went back to there rooms to sleep.
It's sad to watch them both suffer but yet it was good to see them both be kids for at least a little while.They already have plans to play together tomorrow and Bailey invited Audrianna to her little sisters birthday party tomorrrow which is just so very sweet.
I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day and that the chemo doesnt make her sick again. Usually day 3,4 and 5 are when she starts to have side effects and feel yucky,so im hoping the next 2 days just fly by and she doesnt get sick.
Well audrianna is asleep so mommy better get some sleep. Night all

2nd day rd3 of chemo

2011-10-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today i talked to Audrianna's doctor and he has decided to wait on scans until we do 4rounds of chemo.This means we come back to the hospital in 3 weeks and then her scans will be around dec 4th, i am trying very hard to be optimistic and think ok that means he thinks its working and thats why he wants to wait BUT the scared,terrified,cant breathe mom side of me is thinking omg does that mean he knows something i dont and he wants to wait so that it might start to work??? I know i shouldnt go there but it's so hard to sit here in this room and on this oncology floor and watch all the sick kids and see some of them pass away and not think like that....is so hard to be POSITIVE all the time but i still smile because Audrianna smiles and its what she needs from me.
I have decided no matter what happens she will have the best holiday season any kid has ever had. She is going to trick or treat for the first time in 3yrs. She is going to be HOME for Thanksgiving and spend time being thankfull with her Family no matter what....AND somehow,someway she will have THE BEST CHRISTMAS A KID COULD EVER EVER HAVE.Although i dont know how ill top last year since April Valvano and Her Husband Jamie gave her a trip to NYC!!!!!
I am going to start as of today trying really hard to push the fear to the back and work harder on saying SHE IS GOING TO WIN THIS FIGHT,SHE BEAT IT BEFORE SHE CAN BEAT IT AGAIN....and not let the what if's or the numbers get me down(i said try)
Audrianna is having a Great Day she had a great lunch from one of her wonderful FB Family Becky McCabe who sent her chinese food and her daddy,sissy,poppy, Nana and Poppa John all came to visit. So even though she is getting chemo and doesnt feel the best she is still smiling. Oh and she has one of her FAVORITE male nurses today also...gotta love Tom he keeps her smiling:)

Round 3 of chemo and a conversation about heaven

2011-10-17T16:14:00.001-07:00

Today Audrianna and i left for the hospital to be admitted for her 3rd round of chemo, first we went for breakfast at friendlys so she could see her Aunt Dena before we left and of course she got balloons as she was leaving.

Audrianna always makes a wish with her balloons so before she sent the balloon off she asked me if Sommer was still in the hospital and i said no baby she isnt.Before i could say anything else she sent the balloon off and yelled i love you Sommer! When she turned around and asked me if Sommer would see her balloon i said yes baby she will see it all the way in heaven, and she said so Sommer is in heaven now mommy and i said yes baby...she then asked if Kelly had met Sommer when she got to Heaven and was she taking care of her...i said yes baby im sure she did...then Audrianna the wisest child i know said Well Mommy now when it thunders i'll know its Sommer Bowling for me(because they always played Wii Bowling together) and then she said and when i play Bowling on the Wii i know Sommer will be watching.Audrianna asked me why Sommers Mommy didnt goto Heaven with her to take care of her and i had to explain that people dont always goto heaven together but that there is always someone there that loves you when you get there and Sommers mommy had to stay behind to take care of her sister...Then Audrianna said you know mommy...the Blessed Mother watches over us from Heaven and i said yes baby she does and Audrianna said and now she is Taking Care of Sommer till her Mommy can goto heaven to be with her....Let me tell you i was so glad i was driving and she was sitting behind me so she couldnt see my face because the tears were streaming down my face.It always amazes me that children can see things so clearly when we cant. I am so glad that she can believe in god and the blessed mother and heaven when i myself am having such a hard time believing in anything.I never discourage what she believes because thats what makes her feel better but as for me i believe in Angel's because then i know she will be taken care of if something happens BUT i have a hard time with the all powerful god after sitting in this hospital.
Once we got to the hospital we went to clinic and got our blood draws and admission papers and then we went back to valet parking to get our car and have lunch just to find out the car wouldnt start uugh so we had AAA tow it home and now we are here for a week with no car which means i cant go get her things she likes to eat and i have to hope she will eat the hospital food.Hopefully when her *Uncle* Denny gets back off the road he can get the car fixed for us and maybe he will even deliver it lol that would be awesome(hint hint lol hope your reading this denny).
Audrianna did very good with her chemo today and hasnt had any adverse effects so far thank goodness.She is having a good day and she even got a visit from the therapy dogs and got to see her favorite *Miss Karen and Shooter* who always bring a smile to her face-:)
I talked to our Oncology Team today and in 2weeks after this round of chemo they will do a CT Scan and An MIBG Scan to see if the tumor has reduced,stayed the same,grown or gone away. And then they will decide if she continues this chemo or if we are done. If the tumor is stable they will contine for another 3rounds and then do more scans and add a 3rd chemo to the mix to keep the tumor stabilized and hopefully help it shrink. So please everyone keep the postive thoughts coming and hopefully in 2 weeks when she gets scans we will get GREAT results instead of bad results.

Stop the World I Cant Handle Anymore

2011-10-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

I havent been writing on here for a while because i have so much anger and pain built up that im afraid of the things ill say and the people ill offend. Today is one of those days i just dont give a crap if i offend anyone anymore. Audrianna did her 2nd round of chemo last week and came home on sunday,while we were in for treatment one of Audri's dear friends Sommer was life flighted in for pain management.Sommer is 12 and had osteocercoma she was in remission for a few months and then it came back 20x worse then before and she was given 3months at the most to live,last i heard from her mom Sommer had spoken to god and told him she was ready to go BUT not till she went home because she didnt want to DIE in a hospital,so she was being taken home today.
I am so Sick and tired of watching kids die, so sick and tired of loving them and watching them fade away dammit and even worse im so fucking pissed off that there is a GREAT POSSIBILITY MY CHILD IS NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!Everytime one of these kids that i love dies, its like losing my own child over and over...it never gets easier and there is no way NOT to get attached,only someone with no heart could stay detached.
I look at my child and see a happy bratty 5yr old and then i remember that inside her is a tumor eating away at her and if this damn poison we are giving her doesnt work she WILL DIE.I say that i have come to terms with that and that im prepared not to be selfish and let her live the rest of her life the way she wonts on her terms but really NOBODY is EVER prepared for it no matter how long you have been getting ready for the day to come.I know some people turn to god and believe that he is all powerful and he will heal there children and if he doesnt he will take them to a better place....BUT i cannot believe that because what better place is there for a child then with there mother??
I am so pissed off at this all powerful all knowing god everyone talks about...i mean really if he is all powerful and supposed to protect the little children...then where the hell is he? Because let me tell you he sure as shit isnt sitting on the oncology floor next to these babies that are dying!!!!
I am also pissed off at all the people that say they understand what im feeling...my question to them is this....has your child had canceror any other life threatening illness?? Have you had to hold her/him down while they shove needles into them or chemo or an NG Tube or any of the other shitty things that come with being terminally ill??? IF NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DONT TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! If you havent walked in my shoes dont tell me that you feel my pain or know my grief or my anger or that i shouldnt be mad at god, because my answer to that is FUCK YOU. Has your marriage been ripped to shreds because your child is ill, has your family gone through hell?? NO right? Then again SHUT UP.
I wish all the people that think they know whats best for me would get off there goddamn high horses and realize im doing the best i can for me and my children and if ya dont like it,to goddamn bad. Unlike Most people i have to try be in 2 places at once and choose between my children when all i want to do is hold them both close, slam the door in the face of any illness and wrap them in bubble wrap till they outlive me dammit.
I wish people would understand that when i vent on FB or Here in this blog its because i have nobody else to talk to and if i dont get it out somewhere im going to explode.Life sucks and right now its not getting better. TONIGHT i had to Hold my child down to change the dressing on her port, listen to her scream i was hurting her and telling me she hates me and all i was trying to do was make sure she doesnt get an infection.It is so hard to have to do that and not cry or yell at her or infront of her.After i was done i walked into the kitchen, punched a door, and then remembered that inanimate objects dont bend when you hit em and it hurts like hell.All i want to do is yell and scream and smash things just to hear them break...will this make things better?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but id sure as hell feel better listening to them break.

Scranton for Aimee's Army Cancer Walk This Weekend

2011-09-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

So this week has been a whirlwind of different thing since we came home from the hospital. Audrianna and Kyra were so excited to finally see each other again and be able to hug and kiss.Our wonderful friend Dari McManus THE BEST PHOTOGRAPHER EVER aka Auntie Dari went to the hospital with us for the week and then came back to the house and took pictures of the girls.She catches the soul's of the children she photographs and she travel's all over taking pictures of Sick Children,sometimes they are the last pictures that the parents have to hold onto later.One of the pictures she took of my girls speaks volumes and im going to post it here to show just how precious of a gift she gave me.

When it was time for Dari to head to scranton to help get things ready for the walk our wonderful friends Annette and Jennifer came to pick her up and of course they played with the girls for a while and here is the picture of them...Our Family..before they left.

Once everyone was gone it was back to normal lol whatever that is. Girls went to school and Audrianna was so happy to be back with her class. Then when they came home from school we went through all there clothes,toys and blankets and put about 8 garbage bags together for the victims of the horrible flood we had last week. I am so proud of my girls, they went through and picked out all the stuff they wanted to give to kids that didnt have anything.My girls gave away clothes that still had tags on them that they never wore because they wanted the *flood kids* to have new stuff too!!!!As a mom i was never so proud because i know that i have done something right in raising them,they both have very generous souls.<3

Now we are getting ready for a wonderful weekend in Scranton,Pa with our Cancer Family at the Pediatric Cancer Walk held in Honor of Aimee Dickey by her wonderful Mom Annette who keeps Aimee's Army running just as Aimee wanted. Audrianna gets to be one of the Golden Children and help cut the ribbon for the walk and she is so excited. The walk is Saturday September 17th at Nayug Park in Scranton and it starts at 10am. We love the fact that we get to raise awareness for pediatric cancer and raise money to find a cure and help stop this damn disease from killing our babies!!!!!!!! Hope to see some of you there:)
Have a good weekend everyone and we will see you all on monday, hopefully with New Pictures by our wonderful friend Auntie Dari<3

Chemo week

2011-09-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

Audrianna,Auntie Dari McManus and I all checked into the hospital for chemo on wednesday morning.So far Audrianna is doing well with the chemo, other then complaining her tummy hurts and a little bit of itching she is feeling good.Eating isnt going so well though,she asks for food and then takes a bite and doesnt like it and wants something else,today we went to the cafeteria 3 times and i think she ate maybe 2 bites each time!!!! Audrianna's friend Karson is in the room next to us and she loves playing with *Her Baby Karson* all day when they are both feeling ok, and Karson's dad Brian has been keeping both of them laughing which is a great thing.The flooding here in danville is pretty bad and we havent been able to get any visitors since all the roads leading in and out of here are closed,audrianna is upset because nobody came to visit her but i keep telling her its not because they dont want to...its because they cant...but she is 5 and omg is she MAD!!!! She keeps asking if the hurrican is over so the rivers will go down and stop flooding so people can come visit lol she misses her sister and wants her here NOW she told me earlier. Im just glad she is feeling well enough to be mad!!!!!!!

So I spent wednesday night in the ER getting my foot looked at...last week i got glass in my foot and now my foot is INFECTED and Painful because i kept saying i dont have time to goto the doctor(im a mom,who has no time for herself) it will be fine and cleaning it with peroxide and putting a bandaid with triple antibiotic cream on it,BUT once we goto the hospital it got very painful so off to the ER i went...the ER doc did an xray and said there isnt any glass left in there and gave me CIPRO for the infection, so i am hobling around in pain while Auntie Dari chases Audrianna which makes both of them extremely happy. Hopefully i can get the infection under control because as a diabetic thats one thing i have to worry about alot is keeping my feet healthy!

Oh well i will keep you all updated on audrianna and myself tomorrow!!!!! To all our Friends and Family in the path of this horrible flood, please be Safe, our thoughts and prayers are with you<3

Chemo Plan and Life Plan

2011-09-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Thursday September 1st Audrianna and i went to see her Oncology Docs and talk about a plan of action for her relapse.While Audrianna played with the child life specialist i sat and talked to her doctor about what this relapse means for her since EVERY Parent of a child with Cancer and especially Neuroblastoma knows how bad it gets...Relapsed Neuroblastoma has NO KNOWN CURE AT THIS TIME...and may never have a known cure in her lifetime or mine-:( We have decided to use a Phase2 trial from Sloan Kettering which she can get at our hospital,the medicine she will get is Irinotecan and Temozolomide over a course of 5days then she gets 3 weeks off and goes back in. This will continue for 3 months of treatment before they do new scans to see if the tumor is gone or has stabilized. If the tumor has stabilized or is gone then we can continue this course of treatment because it has very small side effects, isnt anywhere near as toxic as anything else she has ever been given and will allow her to have QUALITY of Life. I also talked to her doctor about the fact that if the tumor didnt shrink or stablize or has metastisized into other lesions then we want to stop treatment and take her home and let her have QUALITY OF LIFE with her Sister and the rest of her friends and family until she is ready to go.
I know some people are going to give me a hard time about this and say im giving up and blah blah blah...but im not giving up, believe me the selfish MOM side of me SCREAMSSSSSSSS TRY EVERYTHING I DONT CARE IF IT MAKES HER SICK AS LONG AS SHE IS HERE....but then the sensible Mom side of me that has watched other kids suffer says...that isnt what she would want, Audrianna is a Vibrant little girl that loves life,she wouldnt want to spend what little time she has left strapped to a hospital bed throwing up and waiting to die so stop being selfish and thinking of yourself and do what would be best for her and give her Quality over Quantity of life. And the sensible Mom always wins because this isnt about me, its about HER. I sat and had a talk with Audrianna just me and her and asked i asked her if the doctors tell mommy that the cancer is too bad and nothing they can do is going to make you better and you are going to go be with god, would you want to keep fighting and try everything even if it makes you really sick and you have to stay in a hospital OR would you want to come home and be with Mom,Dad,Sissy,Nana,Poppa John,Granny,Poppy,Dustin,Bret,Lizz,Uncle Travis,Uncle Ed and all the other people that LOVE YOU until its time to go with god and she said...go home Mom,i dont want to be sick forever id rather play with my sister till i goto the Angel's......NOBODY SHOULD EVER HAVE TO HAVE THAT TALK WITH THERE CHILD AND GODDAMMIT MY CHILD IS 5YRS OLD going on 50 thanks to Cancer...so for all the people that would think to put me down for this decision,they should think before they speak because until you have Walked in the shoes of a cancer Mom/Dad dont you dare judge.
September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month...are you aware?? Did you know that 46 kids are diagnosed with cancer everyday and that 7 kids DIE each day?? Do You know that the GOLD RIBBON Is the symbol for pediatric Cancer?That only 3percent of all the money raised by the american cancer society goes to pediatric cancer?? Please if your reading this,please do something to bring awareness to pediatric cancer for the month of september and remember without our children there is no future.....so help another family be saved from hearing the words Your Child Has Cancer....Your Child has Relapsed....Your Child is going to DIE!!!!!!!!!!

Day 6

2011-08-24T20:27:00.001-07:00

Today Audrianna was starting to feel better and we thought we were going to be able to go home tomorrow BUT then she fell off a chair in her room face first and broke her Nose....uughh.....i feel so bad because she was sitting on my lap when it happened. First the surgeons didnt think it was broken but then they had the head radiologist look at it again and it is fractured, so now tomorrow we have to get a consult from ENT Surgery to see if they think they need to do something to fix it or if they are just going to let it heal on there own....she already has a Fat lip, Swollen Nose and one eye is starting to turn black and blue so by tomorrow she should be really colorful. When Audrianna went for her CT today she did it without sedation for the first time ever!!!! Dr.Walsh bribed her with a unicorn pillow pet lol and she wanted that pillow so bad she stopped crying and held perfectly still to get it.Then it was back to our room for chinese food which she told me was the ONLY thing that would make her stop crying(man am i a sucker or what?) and then some medicine and a nap. Nana,Poppa John ,Aunt Michelle and Rhianna came to visit and cheered her up with some Farting Puddy that she got from Jordan omg it's so gross but so funny and i was just so thankfull they made her smile and laugh before they left. Our Friend Jordan works at the hospital and we met her through our dear friend Kelly Sledzinski who is Audrianna's Angel, Kelly passed away 2yrs ago but her friends and family have always kept Audrianna in there thoughts and prayers and been very good to her...Thank You Jordan for the Farting Puddy and the beautiful smile on my babies face tonight!!

Day 4 of Hospital Stay

2011-08-22T14:55:00.001-07:00

So its been 4 days since we were admitted for Audrianna's Surgery and yes i say WE because i am here too every step of the way. The first 3 days were really bad, lots of pain and crying. We did have family visit which made her happy on the 3rd day and she even ate a lil bit for them and after they left she even got up and walked 6 whole steps!!!!!!!But then of course she pushed herself too far and she was in pain and crying all night and nothing was working and on top of the pain she also got the hives from the dylaudid which then turned to blisters on her butt and popped uugh she now has bandaids and antibiotic ointment everywhere, poor kid cant get a break!Finally around 930am she got another dose of benadryl and was able to fall into a restfull sleep till 2pm which was a great thing for her. We had a few visitors today which brightened up Audrianna's day, first our friends Andrea,Micheala and Family came to visit and brought Audrianna a really cool purse that has a monkey on it and even though they are battling cancer themselves they reached into there hearts and helped us and i am forever thankfull that i have wonderful friends/family like them in my life. After they left Dr.Tom visited and made Audrianna smile with his great smile and spikey hair,he is her all time favorite doc and i am so thankfull for him to because he always comes to make her smile!!! Then we had even more visitors...Reiley and her wonderful Aunt Sandy came to visit, they brought audrianna a kewl supergirl bag,balloons and some snacks....when they left she was smiling and happy and for me that makes my day great. Now we are having dinner, visiting with Nana and Poppa John and waiting for Uncle Denny and Kyra to get here so she can see her sister....hopefully the rest of the day continues to be Happy for us-:) Thank You All for your thoughts and prayers!!!!!!

Surgery and Hospital stay day 2

2011-08-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Audrianna had her surgery on Friday August 19th to remove the tumor they found between her spine and her aorta. The surgeons were able to remove at least 75% of the mass but the other %25 percent was wrapped around her aorta and the main artery supplying the blood flow to her left leg, to try and get that she probably would have lost her leg or bled out so the docs left it there and we hope that they can now get it with whatever course of treatment we do next. My poor baby is in Alot of pain, her poor belly was cut from one side to the other so they could get in where the tumor was...right now she has an Epidural Infusion running into her back,Dylaudid every 3hrs and Toradol as Needed..Plus Benadryl every 4hrs as needed for the itching and she is still restlessly tossing and turning from the pain. She wakes up long enough to ask for more pain meds and go back to sleep. Sitting here watching my poor baby in pain is making me crazy and now she has to be on oxygen to because everytime they give her pain meds she desats-:(...i want to stand and scream WHY DAMMIT WHY!!!
Today my parents came to see us and tried to cheer audri up but that wasnt happening and she slept through most of the visit but it was still so good to have them here,I thank god for them everyday because without them i dont know how Audri.Kyra and I would have fought this battle the last 2 1/2yrs.
We also had a visit from our Dear Friends Annette and Jennifer Mckeon, who came bearing laughter which was greatly needed and lunch which was much appreciated.Poor Annette thinks audrianna hates her lol but really she just picks on her because she know she thinks that!! Annette bought audri a Butterly Light and audri didnt want anything to do with it while Annette was here but as soon as she left she asked me...Mom where's the Butterflies Auntie Nette bought me...omg she is such a stinker! While annette,jen and i were looking up treatments on the computer for relapsed neuroblastoma i saw Sommers Mom and i was like omg what is she doing here and went chasin her down the hall...Sommers Mom Jen and i have been through this fight together like family and Sommer like Audrianna was Cancer Free...today my heart broke when Jen told me Sommer is relapsed and its bad-:( WHY the F*&* cant Cancer leave our kids alone, why do they have to suffer?? And goddammit most of all WHY ISNT THERE A CURE YET???????????? These are all the questions i want answered and i want to scream them at the top of my lungs till someone gives me an answer. Why do kids who are told they are cancer free and you think they are gonna go on and be normal kids and goto the prom and get married end up back in here dying?? Audrianna is 5 and Sommer is 12....how is this fair? AND why oh why does everyone preach to me about how god is going to fix this?? Come sit in an oncology ward for an hour,meet these babies and then tell me if your all powerful god is sitting here with us because right at this moment im having a hell of a time finding the FAITH to BELIEVE that!!

Surgery Tomorrow

2011-08-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

Audrianna is having Surgery on Friday August 19th to try and have her tumor resected, if they cant get the whole tumor out they will just biopsy the tumor to see what we are dealing with.The doctors are hoping they can get the whole thing but its in a very bad spot so they arent sure till they get in there. The docs say it doesnt look like its wrapped around her Aorta or her Spine or her bowels so they are hoping they can get it out without any problem but its in such a tight spot they arent sure. Oncology isnt sure if we are still dealing with Neuroblastoma or not because her urine levels were fine,so it could have mutated into a different type of cancer or it can be a benign tumor which is what im praying for. If it has mutated that could be a good thing or a bad thing, good because then they will have different treatments to use on her that she has never gotten before....bad cause it could be something worse not better uughh the waiting and the worrying is the worse part. They could go in there, cut her open and find out its benign and we worried all this time about relapse for nothing BUT really in my cancer mom heart i dont think thats what they will find because it has NEVER been that easy, yet in my logical brain im trying with all my might to BELIEVE that is the case. One of the hardest things about watching your child go through something like this is you never know whats going to be thrown at you/her next.I have found in the last 2 1/2 yrs of treatment for Audrianna that there is NEVER good news without bad news following and that to get your hopes up in anyway always means having them crushed later.Our Family is trying so hard to stay positive...keep our chins up and know she will be ok...but its a really really hard and scary place for us right now-:( ....i am asking all of you whether your atheist,catholic,whatever....please ask the universe, the goddess, god, or whatever else you talk to for guidance to help Audrianna through this surgery. The doctors say if all goes well she might be able to come home monday, if there are complications we could be there much longer. I dont always have computer access there but i will try and keep everyone updated and informed on how things are going......love the bartol family!

New York Trip

2011-08-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

First i want to say a HUGE THANK YOU to Gwen Cardaci, Alana Geller and Kathy Geller the wonderful family that sponsored Audrianna's trip to Ny to see the beach!!!!! They are FAMILY to us and treated all of us wonderful. Audrianna and Kyra LOVED the beach, i have never seen there smiles bigger or either of them happier then the day we surfed the waves and played in the sand. Both girls had such a wonderful day even if they got sunburned after being smothered in sunblock over and over....they are like there mom Irish/Italian girls that Burn and then get a small tan and Burn again lol but they didnt care about the Burn as long as they were playing in the waves, looking for seashells and digging a sandcastle-:) After the beach we went to adventure land and went on rides with the girls....the last ride of the night for Audrianna was the lady bug roller coaster which she rode 12 times in a row and stayed on till they closed the park she loved it so much.....the next day was another fun day at FUN LAND an inside playhouse on long island. The girls had an amazing time with Gwen,alana and allison and then back to the hotel to swim. The next day Gwen's Aunt Pina(hope i spelled that right) and her Uncle Ken invited us to there house for lunch before we headed home and the girls got to swim in there pool and both learned to jump off a diving board into 9ft of water in there vests!!!! After that we said our sad goodbyes and made our way home and back to reality....But this is something Audrianna and Kyra will NEVER FORGET and i will always have these memories thanks to Gwen and her Family...we love you guys so much thank you from the bottom of our hearts<3

Hardest Conversation Ever

2011-08-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight i had to have the hardest conversation of my life with a 3yr old and a 5yr old. Tonight i sat both girls down and explained to them that Audrianna was either going to have surgery or start chemo next week and that Kyra wouldnt be able to stay at the hospital with us. Audrianna wanted to know if it was going to be Good Chemo(one that doesnt make her hair fall out) or Bad Chemo(one that makes her lose her hair again) And Kyra wanted to know why she couldnt get Chemo to so she could be with her sister-:( Audrianna and I both tried to explain to Kyra she didnt want to have to get chemo because its Yucky and makes you sick, but all Kyra cared about was that if she got chemo too she wouldnt have to be seperated from Audrianna-:( And then when i told her she could come to the hospital as much as possible to visit and we could go on webcam everynight she cried and cried im gonna miss my sister,over and over. My heart is Broken in a thousand pieces right now....Audrianna is 5 and was hugging her sister and reassuring her they were never gonna be apart long and she would always love her sister and come home after chemo!!!!!!!!! Kyra is 3 and couldnt understand why she cant sleep in audrianna's room at the hospital and make her sister feel better.
Im 39 and i dont understand why this is happening sooooo i can imagine how hard it was for my 3yr old to understand....I HATE CANCER,GODDAMMIT WHY CANT IT LEAVE MY BABIES ALONE!!!!!!!!! I have never been more sad or angry in my life. I am so tired of being scared and i know audrianna is too and now Kyra who was to small the first time has to live with that Fear and Sadness too. I really wish i would wake up and this would have all been a bad dream.....but if wishes were rainbows right?

I wish people understood my choices

2011-08-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

I sit here crying and wondering why i always feel so alone, why cant people understand the choices i make in my life arent only for me?? My husband and i are mostly estranged because cancer sucks and has torn our family apart. Everyone wants to know WHY wont i throw him out since we fight and he isnt really an active part of our life...the answer is WE HAVE CHILDREN AND ONE OF THEM HAS CANCER!!!!! I will not Tear My Kids Life apart worse then it already is just because me and there dad cant always get along. There Father Loves them even if he doesnt always know how to show it and even if he lives in his own bubble and wont admit that Audrianna is sick and may die..but thats his way of dealing with this horrible fucking disease thats tearing our family apart.
I am so tired of the people i love the most looking down on me because they feel i should be stronger and just tell him get out and go away...what they dont realize is i am being VERY STRONG by not telling him to get out and go away, i am being as strong as i can to keep my kids happy and i wish with all i have that people would respect and understand that.
Jim is not a bad person,he has a good heart, he just doesnt show it and lives in a different world then i do now that audrianna is sick...i dont hate him as a person i never could we have been together 20yrs. I hate that i feel like he has left me to fight this battle with our child alone, i hate that he cant deal and i have to make all the choices and decisions...i hate ALL THOSE THINGS but i dont hate him. Just because we arent the same people we were 20yrs ago or even 2yrs ago when Audrianna was diagnosed doesnt mean we dont still Love and care fo each other it just means the Love has changed and that this disease is Killing it slowly piece by piece no matter how hard we try not to let it.
Cancer doesnt just affect the person that has it, Cancer affects the whole family, your friends,everyone around you and sometimes even if you beat the cancers affect on the body, the cancer still wins because it tears apart the family and the friends you thought would always be there.
Im sitting here right now listening to my girls fight over CRAYONS of all things and to most moms the yelling and screaming that is coming from my living room would make them crazy, to me its the most beautiful Noise in the world. I have friends that cant understand why it doesnt bother me if Kyra pulls audrianna's hair or vice versa, or they beat each other up, why doesnt it make me crazy and yell? Because TOMORROW they might not be able to do that so SCREW IT let them fight,cry,make a mess and tear things apart TODAY because they can and they can do it TOGETHER.Right now all i care about is that Audrianna can still Yell and be a Kid even if it means beating up her sister or her cousin.
One thing Cancer has taught me is that you have to live for today and stop sweating the small stuff...who cares if the house is a mess, or the kids are fighting and beating each other up...as long as your all together when it happens??

Tomorrow is Scan Day

2011-08-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

As i sit here tonight watching my 2 beautiful little girls sleep all i can think is please please please let the scan come back normal...please please please dont make me have to tell them any bad news, please let them continue to be children not Small Adults, which is what kids with cancer and there siblings become. I think every adult in my family is terrified of tomorrow, terrified this scan will show relapse and we dont know how to deal with that...But we are also trying with all we have to be POSITIVE and say she is NOT RELAPSING she is so tough and she has already beaten this so there is no way in hell this scan will come back bad.I think the worst part of the scan is the wait to find out the results, the waiting is enough to make you crazy and your hair turn grey overnight. I ask that anyone reading this says a special prayer to god/the universe/the goddess...anything you believe in and ask them to please let Audrianna still be N.E.D. and not have to suffer anymore!!!!!!
On a Postive note after her scan we are going to act like nothing happened for a bit and get in the family car and drive to Columbus Ohio so the girls can participate in a Fashion show Hosted by Nellie's Catwalk for Kids, they are going to be Models and they are super excited. I have always said i would NEVER stop Audrianna from doing anything she wanted to do incase there were no tomorrows, so even though we have the scan results hanging over our heads we are still going to let her be the best Model she can Be<3 Thank You Nellie for Making this trip possible and sponsoring our family so that we were able to travel to Ohio and be a part of this!!!!!
Goodnight everyone, dont forget those special prayers tonight<3

Scared, Depressed and Trying to Smile

2011-07-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

Ever since i talked to the doctor on wednesday i have been living in a constant state of fear and worry,wondering if Audrianna has relapsed.Both Audrianna and Kyra have been sick since friday and i am praying with all that i have that the spot they saw on the CT is an Infection due to this wonderful summertime cold...BUT that's the logical side of me, the Terrified Cancer Mom side of me hasnt been able to be that optimistic and is still just putting on the Fake Smile for everyone to get through the days. Now with Audrianna being sick and having a Cough im afraid they are going to be rescheduling her Scan due to the fact they wont sedate her if she is sick and then we have to wait LONGER and the Waiting is the worst part....the Not Knowing is worse then the Knowing. Once you know the results one way or another then you can move on and figure out a plan from there,you can handle whatever they tell you even the bad stuff because you have to...but the waiting uuughh the waiting can make you feel like your suffocating/drowining and never gonna come back up for air until you get that phone call that tells you one way or another...relapse or clear scan!!!!!
I tried to take a break from the worry this weekend and we spent the weekend with Great Friends...Gwen,Alana and Kathy came in from NY and we had some retail therapy and lots of swimming even though the girls werent feeling the best. I just want to say Thank You to all of them for helping me Smile through this weekend and giving me and the girls a great time and lots of love.....xoxooxx
But now the weekend is over, everyone has gone home and its just me alone with my thoughts again.I had such a meltdown earlier i was yelling at everyone for no reason and i hope they will forgive me but i had to let some of this anger out before i just burn up. I even locked myself in the kitchen and threw things at the wall and one of them was my New Nonstick Frying Pan which i Dented the whole side of and then sat on the floor and cried because i broke it uughh the emotions go from mad, to sad, to happy to i dont give a fuck in 5 seconds flat and i cant stop them.I probably wont be able to reign it all in until i know the results of her MIBG Scan and you know what...THAT SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS....NO Parent should have to worry every second of every day if there child is going to die, no parent should have to bury there child, no parent should have to hear the words your child has cancer, or there is nothing else we can do so take your child home and make them comfortable uuughhh I HATE CANCER, I HATE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO FUNDING FOR PEDS CANCER AND OUR KIDS SUFFER EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!
I am so angry right now that most of the time i feel like im living in a red haze but its just like when she was first diagnosed, if i let go of the anger which is holding me up, i feel like i'll fall down and never get up and thats not what she needs, she needs me to be strong for her.So right now i am staying angry to stay strong and for some of you that's going to sound CRAZY and to some of you thats going to sound completely normal and you'll understand what i mean.
Please keep praying for All of Us that we can handle this pressure and get through this and that she stays N.E.D. and that damn spot on the CT was Nothing because i dont know how to explain to my 3yr and 5yr old that my 5yr old has cancer again and they will once again be seperated while audrianna suffers in pain and that there might be a chance they could be seperated forever-:(

Ct Scan

2011-07-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

Audrianna had a CT Scan on Tuesday the 19th and today the 20th her doctor called me with the results. ANY Cancer parent knows you never get GOOD results withing 24hrs, i knew as soon as the hospitals number came up that something was wrong and i was right...Her Doctors saw a spot/nodule on the scan and were worried enough to push her to the top of the list and get an MIBG Scan setup for thursday the 28th BEFORE they called me. I am terrified of relapse, there is no known cure for relapsed neuroblastoma and the fight is even harder and my god im not sure she can handle a harder fight then the last one!!!!I am walking around in an emotional haze right now, all i can think is my baby looks great, she has gained weight, has a tan,been being a normal healthy kid for almost a year while she was N.E.D. and now they think its back omg how do i tell her she has to go through this again?? How do i tell her she has to get another broviac, has to have more chemo, has to spend time away from her sister aka her best friend...how do i explain any of this to a 5yr old when i cant even comprehend it?? I am a basket case right now and i refuse to tell her anything till we get the results of the MIBG and if she has relapsed i will do what i did last time and sit my baby down and tell her she has cancer and its back and expalin all the treatments step by step and ill do it all calmly with lots of hugs and smiles while im dying inside. I will put on my brave fake smile and make sure she is OK and her sister is Ok and hope to god the Happy Pills the doctor gave me work enough to keep that fake smile in place through all of thise!!!! I am hoping with all that i have in me that there was a shadow on the scan, or she has some type of viral infection making her lymphnodes become enlarged or anything other then relapse dammit and do you know how messed up it is that ANY PARENT has to WISH for infection rather then cancer?? Bangs Head off Desk....FUCK YOU CANCER, LEAVE MY FRIENDS AND MY BABY ALONE!!!!!! I WISH CANCER WOULD GET CANCER AND DIE!!!!!!!!!

Roller Coaster Of a Life

2011-03-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

I know i havent written in a while but its been a very long roller coaster ride around here.My Husband lost his job again,my job ended in april and things have just been crazy around here. I thought once the chemo was done and Audrianna wasnt inpatient in the hospital all the time it would start to calm down around here but man was i wrong.People think that once your child is N.E.D.(no evidence of disease)that means your child is cured and nothing else is wrong with them and believe me I WISH THAT WAS TRUE!!! Audrianna is off chemo now and she is doing well but there are alot of other issues we are dealing with now like her hearing loss,the drop foot in her legs,the air space disease in her lungs and the biggest one the PTSD. My baby doesnt sleep because she is so afraid if she falls asleep she *has to goto god* and she fights falling asleep so she wont die. Everynight she asks *do i have to goto god tonight mommy* and i assure her that no god made her better because it wasnt her time to be with him yet and it wont be for a very long time but she doesnt believe me and without benadryl she wont sleep at all and then when she does sleep she has nightmares all night and wakes up crying alot,now her poor sister is doing the same thing,waking up with nightmares uugh so when i say we dont sleep...i mean WE DONT SLEEP!!!

It's very hard to be a happy functioning adult on 1-3 hrs asleep a night and sometimes the lack of sleep and depression really gets to me to the point all i want to do is lay down,but i get up and go because my kids need me.People also dont understand that, they cant imagine what you have to be depressed about,they say i should be smiling because she is doing better...well i am smiling on the outside where they can see...its just the inside that's slowly dying from fear and nobody realizes that fear unless they have lived it themselves....I FEAR EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY that the next test/scan she gets will come back that the cancer is attacking her tiny body again, i Fear everyday that when i tell her she doesnt have to goto god...im lying to her....i fear that she wont grow to be an adult, i wont see her have her first real boyfriend, i wont see her goto prom or graduate or become a wife/mother....i Fear these things everyday and believe me the fear is enough to eat you away from the inside out and make you crazy and if it wasnt for the anti-depression meds i take everyday, i Fear that the Fear would win and i would really lose my mind. Personally i think that every parent of a sick child has these same fears and i wish that the other people around us would try harder to understand this rather then treating us like we are bad/crazy people. Someday i hope this fear goes away and that just one day i can make it through a whole day without being afraid of losing my child and then Maybe i can be *Normal* again, but i doubt it. So today and everyday for the rest of my life i will fight to help find a cure for this Horrible disease in hopes that no other parent/grandparent/brother/sister has to go through life living with this FEAR.

Audrianna's Wish page was started to help her get her one wish to meet Hannah Montana and even though her wish never came true, we now use her page to help her and other kids fighting this disease. I advocate for every sick child i see and we goto every fundraiser we can manage to get to so we can support other families going through what we have gone through and i try to smile and tell them it will be ok you child can beat this they are strong, but in my heart i fear im wrong even though i hope im right. Everytime one of these babies loses there fight its like i lost one of my own children and the depression takes over for a bit till i pull myself back up and my husband tells me i shouldnt get attached but how can i not? These are beautiful children who didnt deserve anything bad to ever happen to them and yet they are slowly dying from this horrible disease called cancer,how can i not get attached and try to help....i cant!!!

People tell me i should give all this fear and anger up to GOD and let him help me heal, and my daughter believes in god and tells me she has seen him and his angels....BUT i get very angry and god and feel like he has let us all down so its very hard for me to let everything go and hope god fixes it...i mean where has good been for these babies? WHY hasnt he helped them? What the hell kind of plan can he have for them that lets them live in so much pain for so little time and leave behind there suffering families? I Know I know this is gonna anger people and im gonna get grief for this but its how i feel sorry!!!

Anyway back to Audrianna and sorry for my ramblings....right now audrianna is about to finish her first year of pre-school and her teacher thinks she should do another year before going to kindergarten but its up to me and im not sure, should i put her in Kindergarten or keep her in pre-school ugh how do i make this choice? Her Teacher thinks she needs more social skills and she would be overwhelmed in a whole day of K-Garten because she is so shy...but is being shy a reason to keep her back?? This is something i have to think about and talk to her teacher and the new school and see what everyone thinks and make a decision. Audrianna finally got her permenant hearing aides and she seems to be doing better with them in even if she doesnt always want to wear them, im hoping this will help with her speech which is another reason her teacher thinks she needs to stay back.I just want my beautiful baby to start everything on time and normal so she doesnt miss anything else in life, but i also dont want her to fall behind. Anybody have any opinions on this id like to hear them <3

This coming weekend the 22nd of May our family is going to be in Scranton for Red Carpet event to raise money for pediatric Cancer research and the girls get to wear fancy dresses and they are so excited and so am i, i cant wait to help educate people on how this disease affects everyone in a family, not just the child and how there is NO Money for reasearch to find a cure for our babies!!!! I want to thank everyone who is coming to this event and who has come to all the other events we have had and for supporting Audrianna and our Family. Much love to all of you!!!

Aaron Carter Fundraiser

2011-03-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,
I have been asked to post this here since it seems some people are having trouble figuring out how to pay online for the tickets-:)....Here on Audrianna's Blog right below the picture of the girls is a Button that says DONATE, that leads you to paypal and all you have to do is enter the amount your paying for your tickets and in the subject line please enter Aaron Carter Fundraiser and let us know if your getting just tickets to the show or for the show and the meet-n-greet.
Here is the Link to the show and the info on how much the tickets cost... http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=141776455876376
Thank You All for Your Love and Support of our Beautiful Daughter<3
Angela Aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy

Sad Day

2011-02-17T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today we lost another Precious Angel to CANCER the most evil word in the damn universe:( Our Dear Friend Kelsey Burnsworth who has been fighting Leukemia since she was 2 and fought the most courageous fight, lost her battle today and earned her wings-:( My Heart Bleeds for her family and the fact that they have to walk through the rest of there lives without her...her precious spirit will NEVER be forgotten and she will live on in all of our memories but that doesnt make this better or ok!!!!!!!!! Kelsey was a wonderful girl and had a spirit like no other, she always put others before herself...on Audrianna's 4th birthday last year we had a princess party and she asked Kelsey to play Cinderella for her, Kelsey went out and bought her own wig,dress,gloves,GLASS SLIPPERS and she WAS CINDERELLA...even though she was so sick that day she drove about 3hrs to get to Audrianna's Party and play Cinderella and didnt tell Anyone she was sick till she left and ended up in the ER the next day but said it was all worth it to see the smile on Audrianna's Face...that's how ill remember her forever,selfless,generous and caring=Kelsey-:)

I dont have the heart to tell Audrianna that Kelsey is gone, its another loss im not sure she can handle because im not handling it,so for now im not going to tell her i dont want to add to the PTSD and start the nightmares again:(
Through every step of this Journey with Audrianna i have held strong and swore i wouldnt breakdown untill she was better, well i think i might have finally reached my breaking point..i cant sleep, or stop crying and it's all just to damn much, when are they going to find a cure and stop our babies from suffering and dying????? I had to call off work today because i couldnt stop crying long enough to go in and sit down with customers..guess its time for new happy pills because Mine arent happy anymore.I just want there to be a DAY where NOBODY gets told there Child Has Cancer and Nobody Gets told there child is going to DIE and Dammit, i want all the Babies/Kids we have met who are fighting this Courageous fight To GET WELL and go home and play with there siblings and kiss there parents,i dont want to see another child i love lose there battle.

Kelsey...Fly High Baby and Teach those Angel's some Fashion Sense....here's to You always and forever Princess Cinderella...Much Love and Respect Always in Our Hearts <3

Insomnia Post

2011-01-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

I know its been a long time since i posted last but after all the criticism i was getting around christmas i just got tired of listening to people bitch everytime i blogged so i was taking a break. Well since then the girls have had a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS and i want to say a big thank you to everyone that did help make that possible.

Audrianna is doing really well in school and she loves going to class and now has 4 Boyfriends according to her lol omg she is only 4 and has 4 b/f's what am i gonna do when she is a teenager?? Kyra is having a bit more mommy time since her sister is in school and Mommy has gone back to work so its a very hectic time around here.This is the first time i have been able to go back to work since Audrianna was diagnosed,its been a MAJOR adjustment for all of us,audri hates being away from me for so many hours of the day and Kyra was just getting me back all to herself and had to give me up again But we are working it out the best we can and doing ok so far.I keep trying to tell the girls its only for 4-5 months and then mommy will be home again till next year since i work in a tax office, but at the age of 2 and 4 they dont understand that.Right now they are either with daddy after he gets off work or with Nana so they are ok till about bedtime and then they get cranky and want mommy, thankfully most nights i can get home in time to put them to sleep and then all is well till morning:)

I am adding a few new pictures of the girls in some really cute hats there Nana Made for them so everyone can see how healthy and happy they both look right now!

Audrianna has been sick for about a month and a half now with a sinus infection that wouldnt end, now she is finishing up her 3rd antibiotic and it looks like it has worked, thank god. Feb 10th she is FINALLY going to be able to get her MIBG Scan to see if the Cancer is still N.E.D. and everytime i think about it i get so sick to my stomach and depressed i just want to sit and cry. My heart and Head are not working together here, one says she is fine and still N.E.D. and the other is Terrified she isnt and they are going to tell us the Cancer is growing again. I am trying to ignore the scared/crazy part of me and go with the sensible she is fine part of me but it is so hard to do, anyone thats ever walked in my shoes will understand what im talking about.When your child is so ill you dont know how they survive it you can handle that because you know what your fighting,you can see it...BUT when Your child is N.E.D. and they look like nothing is wrong with them, you dont know how to handle the Fear because you dont have anything left to fight. Maybe because i have seen other kids who have been N.E.D. and who have looked perfectly fine,hair grown back, weight back, playing with there siblings or cousins and then they say they dont feel well and BAM the cancer is back and spreads really fast and they dont make it....this is my biggest fear, being told it's growing again and there is nothing they can do...its the fear that keeps me from sleeping, its the fear that makes me so overprotective, its the fear that makes me spoil them both so much and never say NO to anything either of them want even if its with my very last dollar, it's that fear that no matter what i do it runs my life...it's that fear that she might not be here tomorrow that teaches EVERY CANCER PARENT TO LIVE FOR TODAY,BECAUSE SOMETIMES TOMORROW DOESN'T COME.

Sometimes the depression is so bad even the pretty little pills the doctor gives you just arent enough but you still smile for your children and everyone else who is watching you and cry on the inside where nobody can see. This is how most cancer parents make it through the day. Everyone is always telling me how strong i am, and how level headed i am and how they dont know how i deal with this as well as i do....My answer is this....I DON"T it's all a Front,every Cancer Parent becomes a Great Actor/Actress..we might look put together to you and to our kids but really we are slowly dying inside because we cant kiss the hurts away from our babies and thats our job as parents.

Please continue to keep Audrianna,Kyra and the rest of our family in your prayers and pray with all you have that her scans are ok. I dont know if any of us can handle bad news, her sister is so attached to her they are like 2 pees in a pod and one would be lost without the other and well i just dont know how id walk through it if i lost either of them.

Better Frame of Mind

2010-11-29T17:35:00.000-08:00

First off let me say thank you to everyone who posted on my last blog. I was very upset and angry about everything that day and thanks to ALL of you i have decided your right and im not going to let negative people upset me or make me stop doing things for my beautiful daughter. I also want to thank everyone who has donated things for Christmas and for those that wanted to. I am not going to put the list back up, not because of the negativity BUT because we have had a few people offer to help and i dont want to take away from other children in need, children who need things more then my girls do. My girls have LOVE and no matter what, they will not want for anything on Christmas or any other day of the year because THEY ARE LOVED!!! We have been pretty busy since the last blog, we are still planning Audrianna's fundraiser on Dec 9th @ That Bounce Place in Edwardsville, Pa from 3-9pm and its coming along very nicely..we have Santa coming, a photographer to take pictures of the kids, a bake sale and a basket raffle for the adults and a few vendors coming to setup tables and make a donation to Audrianna.Between getting ready for that and Audrianna gettin to all her appointments and going to school its been very busy.We have also done some fun activities such as going to the Majestic Theater in Pottsville to see a tribute to disney and the girls had a great time with there dear friend Reiley who played Belle.This weekend we went to Wilkes-Barre and spent time with some of our *Oncology Family* seeing santa clause and just have an all around great time. The girls got to play with there 3 adopted Aunties, Annette, Jennifer and Dari. Dari also took some beautiful pictures of them which for a mom with a child with an Illness of any sort, pictures that capture your child happy are worth more then a million dollars in the bank. Money can be spent and its gone, pictures hang on the wall forever, even if you lose that child, you always have that wonderful memory and there beautiful face captured forever in a state of happiness to help take away some of the sorrow.
We have been invited to another cookies for cancer event on the 4th of december in pittston so we will be there god willing and having fun.SANTA is coming to our house on Dec 11th on his sleigh for the girls and they are so excited. December 17th we get to meet Nellie from Nellie's Catwalk a wonderful cancer organization in ohio that is helping the girls with a few of the Bigger things they wanted for christmas.And then Christmas will be here and we will be celebrating the fact that Audrianna is HOME and having Christmas with Her family this year and we will also have our cake for Baby Jesus's Birthday because i like to make sure the girls know what christmas is all about, its not about the toys you get, its about Giving and Love. I know that with the love of my family and friends and all the people here and on FaceBook that Love My Daughter, we can get through anything.<3

Why do people hate??

2010-11-17T19:15:00.000-08:00

It is a sad day when people start attacking the parents of a young child battling any type of disease because they are upset over the fact that her parents do fundraiser to help with medical costs and expenses.Because of these people and the fact that im tired of being accused of *using* my child to get things/money from people i have deleted the girls christmas wish list that so many of you asked me to post.I know the economy is hard on everyone right now and i know alot of people are worse off then we are and really if people didnt want to help they wouldnt have offered BUT i will find a way to help my children without having to be accused of anything from here on out.Yes we have had fundraisers for Audrianna just like every other family with a sick child has.What people dont understand is that there are so many other expenses other then insurance related ones when you have a sick child and life doesnt stop, the bills keep coming,just because you cant work because you have to stay home and take care of your child doesnt mean the rest of the world stops turning. There are gas expenses(which thank god now we have help with),food expenses,toys to make your child stop crying because you would give them anything to make them hurt less, Hotels,all things not convered by any type of insurance that you still have to pay.Where do people think this money comes from if not from fundraisers?? Audrianna spent 4 months in philly undergoing tandem stem cell transplants, that was 4 months we werent at home, 4 months we had to eat somewhere other then our house, gas back and forth to philly for my husband and all these things add up, its not like we have thousands of dollars in the bank or drive a fancy car or even a new car, we have a beater car for hubs work, and a 7yr old truck that i have put 50,000 miles on in 2yrs driving back and forth to treatments for my sick child!!!!I wish to god i could say this was a nightmare and we woke up and she had never been sick and our lives were normal(whatever that means)again, but unfortunately i cant and i really wish people would leave us alone. We are only trying to survive and provide for our child and our family the best we can.I am sitting here seriously thinking of deleting Audrianna's Wish page because of all this and i really wanted to convert it to a non-profit as soon as i could raise the funds to do that so i could start helping other families like ours,but i dont know, im so depressed and sad that people are really posting evil things on her fundraiser page:( I did not ask for this fundraiser, a very nice family that follows audrianna on her wish page and has met her numerous times and held a fundraiser for her once before asked me if they could hold another one for her.I love Larry and Katie and i was thrilled when they asked if they could once again sponsor audrianna because they love her, i dont know why this has to be such a problem for other people,really is it jealousy or are they just that sad? I have helped many people on audri's wish page, i am forever posting things for other children and other families and nobody says anything about that, BUT let me post a fundraiser for my own child and im being GREEDY and EXPLOITING my child for money...wtf that's just so wrong. My family will have a great christmas do you want to know why...BECAUSE WE WILL BE TOGETHER AND OUR DAUGHTER IS ALIVE,SOMETHING WE WERE TOLD ALMOST 2YRS AGO THAT SHE WOULDNT BE....so even if there are only a few things under the tree and a cake for baby jesus, my kids and i will be happy. Now for all of you that are so unhappy in your own lives that you have to attack us and belittle us do me a favor....GO AWAY AND GROW UP.

FIELD TRIP AND HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

2010-10-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

Audrianna had another milestone today, her first field trip in school!!! Again this is something we never thought would happen and it was the BEST DAY EVER! I took some pictures so that i could share with all of you and i also have pictures of them in the halloween costumes there dear friend Jamie bought for them and the Ming Ming Costume there Nana bought Kyra. I would love to thank each and everyone of you for all your prayers and support through all of this...Much Love....The Bartol Family

Exhaustion

2010-10-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

Everyday as a mom i get up and take care of my children and hope to god and whoever else is listening that i am doing a good job, but somedays i just feel like a failure.I am tired all the time no matter what i do i cant get over the exhaustion. My Audrianna doesnt sleep for more then 4hrs at a time if im lucky she sleeps that long. And when she does wake up its because she is hungry and wants to eat eat eat or be driven around the block till she falls asleep. Most nights at between 2 and 3 am we are up and stay awake for hours, sometimes she doesnt fall back asleep till 6am and then her sister is awake 2hrs later. These are all symptoms of the cancer, the hospital routine she is used to living,the pain she still has in her belly and her groin from the hernias and her body just trying to recharge itself. I know all this in my head and i know none of this is her fault,but sometimes im just so angry that i cant goto sleep and stay asleep,and somedays the thought of waking up is just to much for me.I know im depressed hell im on medication for that, i think every Cancer Parent in the world is depressed.I try so hard to smile and work past the depression everyday and be a good parent, i even went to the doctor again today and asked for different meds...but i feel like im failing my kids when i dont have the energy to play with them because im so exhausted all i want to do is sleep. Audrianna goes to school 2 1/2 hours a day and Kyra is at home with me but she doesnt take naps anymore but god i wish she did!
Im supposed to go back to work in january and i dont know how im going to do it,if i cant sleep i dont know how i can do taxes and take care of other people's money, what if i make a mistake because im so tired?? Im questioning everything in my life right now and wondering if i can do any of it. I ask everyday please god give me the strength,the wisdom,the courage to carryon.I know my child has gone through more then i ever have or ever will have to and i know my problems are nothing compared to hers but somedays it all just feels like its caving in and i cant breathe.I really need a stress free weekend with no kids and no cancer just to recharge. Blah CANCER SUCKS! People think that once your child is N.E.D the worry stops but it doesnt i actually think it gets worse. Now there is a whole new set of worries,will she stay N.E.D. longer then 3 months this time,will i wake up and she will have a fever that takes us to the Er and someone tells us the cancer is back uugh is her sleeplessness a sign that her cancer is back,is the bloody nose she has had all day today a sign her platelets are low again because the cancer is back....ALL of those things run through your head everyday, it never stops. Just because a doctor tells you that your Child is N.E.D. they arent saying remission, they arent saying cured, they are just saying no evidence of disease for NOW and you drive yourself crazy thinking is NOW going to last??
My family is so distant from each other sometimes i dont know what to do to bring us back together, for the last yr and a half its been me and audrianna, kyra and her nana and poppa john and jim at home working, and i am so resentful of jim because he never had to deal with her sickness he lives in his bubble and if he doesnt admit she is sick she isnt,how does a family survive this?? Kyra grew up so much without me that i worry everyday she is going to resent her sister and hate me as she grows up. Audrianna is so used to having mommy to her self and so spoiled that now that we are home and with her sister everyday she doesnt want to share and i go crazy some days just saying NO dont stop that, NO dont be mean to your sister,I am her mommy too!Sometimes it just gets to be to much and i want to run away, but how do you run away from your sick child and your other child that needs you?? As a MOM you dont, you suck it up and you deal with it even if your dying inside and dont know how to fix it or change it...CANCER tears families apart or pulls them together and sometimes i feel like the *Rip* in ours cant be repaired but yet i keep trying so i dont lose my family. I just wish this was all a dream and id wake up from the nightmare that has been my life for almost 2yrs, that id wake up and my child would never have had cancer and we would never have had to hear those horrible words...YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER...Some of the most devestating words in the english language. Sigh guess i just need to get more sleep and keep pushing on and stop thinking about things that may happen and concentrate on what is happening now.

Sorrow and Happiness

2010-09-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

This has been a very long emotional roller coaster of a month. My husband lost his job and audrianna's main source of insurance,then his unemployment got denied! So right now we have no income and have used most of Audrianna's savings account to pay the bills for the last 2 months so we didnt end up in the street,sigh. I worry everyday how i am going to keep a roof over my kids head, food in there mouths,and keep all the utilities on PLUS christmas is coming:( Why do things like this always happen around the holidays??Halloween is what 3 weeks away and the girls wants costumes i cant afford and momma cannot sew lmao me and sewing machines do NOT get along so we will be finding things in there closets to make homemade costumes this year no biggie. But hubs always had a xmas bonus we used to pay for xmas presents and now that he was fired he lost that too BLAh i know for adults xmas isnt a big deal but for a 2 and 4yr old it sure is,but whateve4r ill figure it out i always do...super mom to the rescue.
We lost 2 of our dear friends to Cancer this month, first Tim Martin a friend to every person he ever met passed away from esophical cancer and less then 2 weeks later we lost Dear Princess Emily who was only 4yrs old and one of *OUR KIDS* from our hospital and one of Audrianna's best friends. Nobody should ever have to bury there child and my heart is still breaking for Janet,i dont know how she is standing upright because i dont think i would be:( Emily's viewing was one of the hardest things i think i have ever had to do in my life,i was ok untill i saw her and kissed her goodbye,then i went outside and threw up because i just couldnt handle it and im not even her Mom,just her loving *aunt* More people need to know about OUR KIDS and More people need to fight this HORRIBLE DISEASE CALLED CANCER,dammit we need more funding for pediatric cancer so maybe they can work on finding a cure and no more mothers will bury there children!!!!This was the sorrow we felt this month and my beautiful 4yr old made herself feel better about Emmie by telling me...*It's ok Mommy My Angel Kelly is in Heaven and she will take Emily's Hand and show her around so she isnt scared* that was the saddest of all for me, i cried and cried that my baby even had to know what death was let alone be so damn wise about it! Any Cancer Parent can tell you our kids grow up way to fast and they are really Old Souls in babies bodies and it is so depressing because really all we want for them is to be kids and never have to think about Cancer or death again.
Our Good News and Happiness is overshadowed by the sorrow because we feel guilty that our baby is ok when someone elses child isnt:( BUT Audrianna is in remission and she is going to have one last surgery for a hernia reduction and then have her broviac/Port taken out.When i told her she asked me if she could have an I KICKED CANCERS BUTT PARTY lol i said yes and then had to think omg how will i pay for that!!!!! So even though we had the best news a cancer parent could ever ask for there is still worry and pain to go with it.Last time she was in remission it lasted 3 1/2months and the cancer came back,im terrified to let myself be happy about the remission because i feel if i do she will get sick again...stupid huh? Well welcome to being a cancer mom because all those stupid thoughts hit you over and over, along with the what ifs, what if i did this or what if i did that?What if i hadnt dont this or what if i had done that, all those things that will drive you crazy if you let them.
Oh well off to get Audrianna off the bus and try to think happy thoughts!

Bad Day for Mommy

2010-08-26T19:41:00.001-07:00

Some days its just really hard to be a mom and thats for any mom not just me. BUT when your a mom with a sick child and a healthy child who is always fighting for attention because the sick child gets alot and they want what she has, some days its so hard to just not sit down wherever you are and just cry and never be able to stop.Audrianna is so spoiled from being sick because its just been her and me for so long that now she doesnt want to share me with her sister and poor Kyra has been left behind for so long that all she wants is the same amount of attention from mommy that her sister gets and its really hard to have them fighting all the time and not lose my mind.AND its really hard when ppl get mad at me because i give into audrianna when she cries just so i can stop her from crying or because i cant handle the tears anymore,but nobody else has to live in my shoes and nobody else has to deal with it day in and day out everyday. I feel like i cant take my children anywhere sometimes without people looking down on me because of how they behave and im always being told NOT TO SPOIL THEM but omg my child has Cancer, which may or may not be terminal how do i not spoil her?? What if tomorrow she isnt here and all i can think of is the things i didnt give her? And i know i spoil Kyra too because i dont want her to be left out and uugggh sorry its just been a rough day.Can my kids be bad...YESSSSSSSSS....But are they 2 and 4...YESSSSSSSSSSSS....is it there job to be whiny and cranky and spoiled and fight with each other...YESSSSSSSSSS...so why cant everyone just realize that and leave me alone??I dont take them alot of places by myself because its to hard to cut myself in 2 trying to hold them both and take care of them both when they are whining and because i get tired of everyone looking at me like im a bad mom. I try so hard to be a good mom and give them both all the things i never had and some days it would just be nice to be appreciated and hear someone say, Hey Your a Good Mom and have them mean it. All i have done for hours now is cry over every little thing because i cant seem to pull myself up out of the depression that has hit me today and i cant stop thinking of all the things im constantly told i do wrong or i need to do different when i think im a good mom and im doing the best i can with the circumstances that have been dealt.BLAH sorry for this long crappy post but i needed to vent somewhere and since i dont have anyone to talk to this is where i put all the emotion nobody cares to listen to. Sigh im gonna log off now before everyone that does read my blog stops because they dont want to read this kind of crap.You all want to know how Audrianna is doing and hear happy thoughts so here it is...she is doing great after a rough start for school today the day went well...just to let ya all know:)

Eventful Month

2010-08-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ok sorry i haven't updated the blog in a while but its been a very busy and hectic month for us.Audrianna has had a whole month off from being in the hospital so we have been running running running to do things she wants to do.We went to Oncology Night at the Philadelphia Zoo and got to see some of the wonderful people that we met when we were in CHOP getting her stem cell transplants. Audri and Kyra loved the animals and had a great time, MOMMY loved seeing them smile and being with the other wonderful families that we now call *Family* again and seeing all our kids doing well.After that fun filled even we went to Sesame Place and the girls got to meet Abby Caddaby and Elmo, our dear friend Marietta sent us in a LIMO so that we wouldnt have to worry about driving there and back with 2little kids and fighting the traffic in Philadelphia.Audrianna and Kyra LOVED Sesame Place and we had the best day...we love you Marietta and thank you so much for making my girls so darn happy!! Then we had an awesome Fundraiser in Ronkonkoma NY that was hosted by our dear friend Gwen Cardaci and she managed to get her friend Aaron Carter to come out!!!!!!! Audrianna and her sister Both Love Aaron to pieces and he is now *Uncle Aaron* because to them he isnt someone Famous he is just a great guy who came out and sang and played on the floor with them with there coloring books:) We Love You Gwen and Aaron and thank You so much for making my family so happy, because believe me Happy isnt something we have had alot of since Audrianna was diagnosed with this Horrible Disease.After our Awesome day we drove into New Jersey and along the way got lost in Manhattan lol it was pouring rain and we couldnt see i n front of us but after we passed times square 3 times we finally found our way...YAY....gotta laugh about it because it was just one of those memories you wont forget. We spent the next day in the rain on the pier in Point Pleasant NJ and the girls got to goto the aquarium and ride all the rides(with a free pass we got from Give Kids The World when we stayed there for audri's Make-A-Wish) and even though it rained and it could have been a cranky miserable day...we just laughed it off and made the best of it and had a good time. THANKFULLY we drove home that night because the next morning my truck wouldnt start uughh the fuel pump went and cost us $500 to fix BUT again it could have been worse we could have been stranded in NJ and waiting for it to be fixed at a garage there, so we were just glad to be home when it happened.TODAY Audrianna started Pre-K which for Our Family is a HUGE Milestone considering when she was diagnosed in April of 2009 we were told she might not make it to her 3rd bday which was a month away and now she has made it to 4 and been cleared by her docs to start school...thank you god....she loved her bus driver and her teacher but she wasnt so sure about school till her *Boyfriend* Nathan sat down next to her and told her not to cry he would show her that school was ok....Thank God for the sincerity of 4yr olds and thank You so much Nathan we love you *Dawg*...Right now we are just trying to be a *Normal* family for as long as we can. In September the week of the 7th audrianna will be going through all her testing/scans to see if the tumor they found 6mnths ago is gone or not, but for now she looks good, feels good and we are just taking it one day at a time. If CANCER has taught us anything it's that You need to Live for today and LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING because you never know if tomorrow you will be. I just wanted to Thank everyone for all there love,support,prayers and ask you all to keep praying for Audrianna and hope to god we here the words N.E.D(no evidence of Disease) when she gets her new scans in september. BUT as a NB Family we know that even if you are N.E.D. today doesnt mean you can breathe easy because it can always sneak up on you and come back, BUT you take N.E.D. for as long as you can and you take one step/one fight at a time.We love you all...Goodnight!

Friends who become Family

2010-08-08T21:09:00.001-07:00

Along the way in this journey that our family has taken we have met alot of wonderful people.I tell people all that time that before this experience it Thought i had friends, but now i know i have FAMILY.Alot of the friends i thought i would have forever and throughout my kids lives we lost when audrianna got sick and believe me we have heard every exscuse under the sun,from *it hurts us to see her like that* We dont know how to explain why she is bald to our children*It's just to painful for us to watch her suffer* and so on and so on.BUT then there are people that i hadnt talked to in 20yrs that saw my daughters story on facebook and went out of there way to contact me, help us with fundraising and things like that, people from high school that i had lost touch with and now because of my beautiful daughters fight they are back in my life and i am thankful. BUT most of all there is Our new *HOSPITAL FAMILY* All the people/children/moms/dads/siblings you meet along the way, and believe me they are now my best friends and definately my family.I have met so many wonderful moms and dads with there beautful children fighting horrible diseases and without there love and support i dont think id have made it through this last yr and a half.They give me the most Joy and the Most sorrow along the way,Joy when something GREAT happens such as one of *our* kids goes N.E.D and sorrow when we lose one of*our*kids to this nasty horrible disease called Cancer, or HLH,or Auto-Immune disease or Crohns or any of the other Horrible dibilitaing diseases our babies have. I just wanted to tell ALL of my friends/family that i love and appreciate you all so much!!! My Mom and my Stepdad John have been ROCKS through all of this, i never could have made it without them. Tracy from my daughters daycare who has medical problems of her own but puts them aside everyday to help others and who stepped up to help me when we needed it most. Michelle who has been there for me every step of the way...Dena my best friend and partner in crime always lol who is also Audrianna's godmother and does everything she can to make her happy and help keep her healthy.Gail Wright who kept me sane many a night when BOTH of our babies we fighting Neuroblastoma together,Janet Donovan who is fighting her own fight with our precious Emily's brain cancer who keeps me grounded,Caroline Dohrman who lost her precious boy to Neuroblastoma and is the STRONGEST Person i know because she walks back into that hospital to visit and she smiles and brings a smile to my baby's face even when being there has to make her sad:( Becky Blair who was the first NB mom i ever met and who shared her precious LULU with me and showed me that NB can be beaten, Reanne Waters whose precious Madacyn is fighting A.L.L. and who worries as much as i do so i dont think im crazy!!!Tara Kachurka whose baby emalee has NB and is undergoing stem cell transplant as we speak,Tisha whose son Karson has NB and we love so much, Jessica whose daughter Sophia has A.L.L and is undergoing a BMT right now, Jess whose Beautiful Daughter Kelsey has A.L.L and is heading to C.H.O.P for a BMT,these are the moms from Audrianna's Hospital and i love them all SOOOO MUCH And then we have our C.H.O.P. family who helped us through the ROUGHEST TIME in audrianna's treatment her stem cell transplants...(((LEE))) I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER(((Marti))) Your one of the best friends i ever had and i am so glad Macey is N.E.D.(((Rebecca))) I am so glad Jack is N.E.D.(((Shana)))i am over the moon that the BMT took and Maya is doing well(((Mandy and Bonita)))My sisters from another mother lol i am so glad Jess is doing great!((Ed))i am thrilled Maks is doing well(((Carol)))You kiss my Saniya for me i love You Both!(((Sledzinski Family)))Your Kelly was our inspiration and now she is our guardian Angel, Thank You for sharing her with us and thank You all for continuing to be a part of audrianna's Life!!! The picture im sharing on this post is Audrianna and Caine*Bubba*Wright her BFF for life who fought the fight of NB with her and who is now in Remission xoxoxo we love you Bubba!!

Stressfull week

2010-08-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

This has been a very stressfull week in our house. Audrianna is alot of work by herself with the line care and the medicine and then add in a sick 2yr old and UUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh and did i say UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH? Also we have the worry for Audri and Kyra's Poppy who is in Manhattan at the VA Hospital and just had Major surgery to remove an aneurism off his Aorta in his tummy:( Poppy is in ICU right now and will remain there for a few days and then have at least 2 weeks of recovery time and he is very far from home and alone so please everyone keep him in your prayers:(....Thankfully today Kyra seems to be feeling better and we got to go out of the house and meet some nice people. Ellen at The Cyber Calf Restaurant was very sweet to the girls today and made sure they both got cream of broccoli soup and she humored Audrianna when she decided she didnt like turkey and wanted ham on her sandwich instead! Mike and Tony from Wazl came and met Audrianna and had her sign some of her Audrianna Bracelets for them with her initials! She was thrilled someone wanted her autograph lol it was really cute and it made her day. The Cyber Calf is selling Audrianna's Bracelets and her Vinyl Window stickers all you have to do is stop in and ask for them if you live locally. After the cafe we went to Nana's House for a bit, then we went to the Bizarre in the heights and let the girls play a few games, eat some food and dance. Once we left there we picked up Daddy from work, went to Bonanza for dinner with our favorite waitress there Rhonda and had a nice talk with an old friend Bernadette:) So the night ended on a better note then the day started THANK GOD. Going to put the girls to sleep right now and have them pray for poppy's speedy recovery...Night all!

Been a While

2010-08-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,
I know i havent posted in a while but its been a very busy summer for us so far. Audrianna is doing very well right now, she completed her last round of chemo 2 weeks ago and we have been hitting the amusement parks since then!!!! The first week of september we will be getting new scans to find out if the tumor they found 6 months ago is gone or if its still growing. Audrianna's doctors are very optimistic and we are all hoping to here the words N.E.D.(no evidence of disease). It's very hard for me as a mom to get my hopes up because it seems like everytime that i do there is more bad news, so right now we are just living for today and hoping that tomorrow is as bright as right now.Audrianna is going to start Pre-school on August 25th which is a HUGE step for our whole family especially considering when she was diagnosed we didnt know if she would make it a month to her 3rd bday so this is an awesome Milestone!!!!! I want to thank all of you that pray for her daily and to everyone out there that has supported our family through all of this, Your love and support has helped keep us going. On a sad note another beautiful little girl named Katie passed away today from this Horrible disease called Neuroblastoma and our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with her family right now:(http://ourturkey.blogspot.com/ please pray that her parents and little sister can make it through this:(
I am thankful everyday that Audrianna seems to be getting better but omg the fear of relapse is never and i mean NEVER far from the front of your mind when your child has cancer:( I am including a picture of Audrianna and 2 of her beautiful friends from the Hospital. Karson is 18months and has Neuroblastoma like Audrianna and Sophia is 1yr old and has A.L.L Leukemia...these are Audrianna's Babies as she calls them lol!!!!
On a brighter note i added pictures of the Team Audrianna Bracelet and Vinyl Window sticker here and you can just click the paypal button to pay for them to make everyones life easier!
Thank You.....Angela aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy

God im so tired:(

2010-06-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of my baby being sick and so tired of having to watch her in pain:(I just wish this nightmare was over and she was healthy and happy again. Unless people have walked in these shoes they dont understand, they say they do but they dont. Just like the doctors say oh we understand...BULLSHIT...unless they have lost or are in the process of losing a child they dont understand. They dont understand the anger that you feel, the anger at god,the anger at medical protocols and hospital beauracracy,the anger that you cant kiss your baby and make her feel better,i have so much anger and i dont know how to let it go because some days the anger is the ONLY thing keeping me standing upright.The docs dont get that the longer your here away from home and your support system the crazier you feel sometimes. Plus you get so attached to the other kids here that when something happens to one of them it's like something happening to one of your own, one of our friends here just relapsed with leukemia for the 4th time,she is a beautiful girl and has had leukemia since she was 3 and now she is 18 and relapsed yet again,this time she needs a stem-cell transplant and a donor to survive. HOW can you tell me is that fair and what has this child done to hurt anyone and why is she suffering? AND OMG if one more peron tells me that GOD DOESNT GIVE YOU MORE THEN YOU CAN HANDLE i think ill just start screaming and NEVER STOP!!! Ok sorry i guess im done feeling sorry for myself now on a Better note. The docs upped the pain meds audrianna is getting by mouth and it's not killing the pain but it's helping keep her sedated enough that she isnt screaming in pain which is better,as far as im concerned if she sleeps through this 5days stretch and wakes up feeling better thats fine with me. I guess since she is finally sleeping i should get some sleep since neither of us have slept much in the last 2 days and im so emotionally and physically exhausted its not even funny.sigh,night all and thanks for letting me vent!

I HATE HOSPITALS AND THERE STUPID FUCKING RULES

2010-06-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ok so today has been the shittiest day ever so far grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!Audrianna is supposed to be on a Pain Pump(PCA) of Dylaudid for pain management while she gets this round of chemo and she has had it twice before BUT now the hospital is saying the way they did it before was an ERROR and they can't do it without an IV!! Audri doesnt want an IV and started screaming the minute they mentioned IV and last time she had one she tried to pull it out uughh. I have been fighting with them all goddamn day to get the PCA and nope they wont do it becaue pharmacy wont sign off on it SOOOOOO now she is getting oral meds that dont work as well:( Doctors are tellin me that by wednesday she will probably be in so much pain we will be begging for the damn IV but right now im sticking to my guns and making them leave her alone. So at this point im afraid to even leave her room incase someone goes in there and does something without me there....UUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i Just want her to be better goddamit i just want her not to have to suffer anymore...is that to much to freaking ask??? I am so damn angry i swear to god i just want to punch someone and the next person that gets in my face i might, so ya'll might see me on the news lol Local Neuroblastoma Mom Loses her Cool and beats up the doctor! Ok i have to go so her dad can leave i'll update more later!

Day 4 of chemo

2010-05-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just as horrible as the day before. The day started out ok and she played with her nurse and had a good day, then the chemo pain started and she was beyond miserable. My parents brought Kyra to visit again and audrianna wanted her in the room one minute and wanted her gone th next,then poor Kyra cries because she has to leave and audri cries and im torn in 2. It sucks when you have to leave one child behind to take care of another, i pray everyday that Kyra wont grow up to hate me for leaving her or resent her sister because i had to!My mom tells me Kyra is a baby she isnt going to remember any of this but the mom part of me says she is 2yrs old and she breaks my heart when i have to leave her even though i know her grandparents take great care of her, sigh, mommy guilt sucks!Audrianna needs me right now she is sick and in pain all the time and i cant cut myself in 2 no matter how much id like to find a way to do just that. Today is the last day of this cycle of chemo and now audrianna has a high fever and they are going to start Iv antibiotics and hope the fever passes overnight, if not we will prolly be here for the weekend,sigh just one more holiday spent in here. Our trip to disney is next friday so im really hoping that the fever passes and she stays well so we can go because she is so looking forward to it and we need time as a family to just be *Normal* She had a smile a mile wide today when she got a package from Stephanie in the mail today from KanesChicBoutique!!! Stephanie sent audrianna and kyra each a beautiful minnie mouse dress with there names embroidered on them and audri had to try hers on and show all the nurses and take pictures with everyone lol it was the best feeling to see her so happy!!!Then of course she got sick and asked for medicine and went to sleep, thankfully she is sleeping peacefully now, but i doubt she will make it through the night asleep because she has a horrible cough that keeps waking her up. Please everyone pray for a good night and for her fever to pass and stay gone!If we get out of here tomorrow ill post the pics of her in her dress.

Chemo SUCKS!!!!!

2010-05-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Audrianna is having a very hard time with this chemo:( she is in alot of pain and really miserable. First day of chemo they couldnt get her pain meds right and she screamed for 8hours straight, hit me, kicked me, threw me out of her room and then screamed for me to come back uughh it was HORRIBLE! Today is day 2 of this nasty round of chemo and the day started out ok because they increased her meds but as the day went on the pain got worse and she got upset and miserable again and screamed at everyone to leave her alone when my family came to visit she threw them out of her room. Now she has finally screamed herself to sleep again:( This is the worst part, the part where i cant make it better, where nothing i do or say helps her past the pain and i feel so helpless and worthless,as her mom i should be able to make everything better BUT unfortunately i cant make cancer better no matter what i do:(I pray everyday for the strength just to get through to the next day and for her to fight this and get well, please god answer my prayers already!

Upcoming Hospital Stay

2010-05-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Audrianna goes back into the hospital for her next round of chemo Blah. I am hoping that this round wont be as bad as the last 3 were, but i know she will be on a pain pump and im just hoping this time it keeps her comfortable. Audrianna has been filling her days with fun things to do like she is afraid there wont be another day to do anything fun, which makes me worry so much that she knows something i dont but again it's prolly just me being a paranoid mom!!Yesterday she went to *That Bounce Place* In Edwardsville and had the best day just having fun with her sister and being a kid.Today we went to the italian festival in our public park and she got to ride the ponies and go in the jumpy house soooo she was thrilled to pieces and was very mad when it rained and she couldnt ride the ponies again lol typical kid.As her mom im trying so hard to stay positive and think she is beating this she is going to kick cancers ass BUT i am terrified of the new scans they are going to do in June when we come home from disney,if those scans give us bad news i dont know if ill be able to handle that, but again as her mom i'll have to handle it:( So everyone out there praying for Audrianna please pray that the new scans in June come back Clear, that the cancer hasnt spread or turned into live tumors because if it has then this fight gets so much harder yet again! Ok for now im going to try and be postive and happy and i'll keep everyone updated on here this week as to how she is doing with the chemo!

Audrianna's birthday

2010-05-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

Audrianna had the best birthday ever...and thats a direct quote from the now 4yr old!~ She had an awesome time and if you could have seen her smile when *Hannah* came into the room, nothing else mattered! She forgot to be a sick kid today and she was just a beautiful little girl having the time of her life dancing and singing with her new best friend *Hannah Montana* Thank You So Much Gwen!!! And thank you to everyone from the Just like hannah Show!!!As her mom it's moments like these that are so rare and precious, days where all she does is smile and remember to be a kid, not a sick kid. I know that today is a memory that will stick with all of us forever, Audrianna and Kyra both got to sing the Best of Both worlds with there idol and The Climb, and mommy cried like a baby because they were both so happy. The look on Audri's face when she saw Hannah today was priceless and its a memory that will be with me when im old and grey and forgetting everything lol but i will never ever ever forget that look because it's the Happiest i have seen her since she was diagnosed with Cancer. We met alot of great people today,Anette and Her daughter from Aimee's Army came and it was wonderful to meet them and we hope to goto there walk against childhood cancer in september! Gwen and her mom and all the people from the Just Like Hannah Show who are all such amazing people. So many people that came out just to meet Audrianna i cant even keep them all straight in my head. There were lots of Old and New Friends.It was great to have Kelly's Uncle Henry and Aunt Holly there even though it was bittersweet because we all Miss Her so Much....Happy Birthday In heaven to Audrianna's Bff Forever!!!!! Thank You to Woody Wolfe for coming to sing and making this day even more Amazing because he was there. Kelsey, Lindsay and Erleen our wonderful friends from *clinic* thank You for coming out and Playing Princesses for Audrianna even though i know you didnt feel well Kelsey!!!Thanks to ALL the people from news 13(Kristen,Nikki,Christina,Bob)that came out and helped today and from Upside Down Town(Tracy,Liz,Pam) you all ROCK and we Love You. Thank You to Kristan and *Sweet Sensations Bakery* And all there wonderful friends that came to help and brought food and everything else that helped make the party a success. Thanks to Rainbow the clown for making all the kids happy. Thanks to Pony Paradise for coming and setting up the pony rides and the petting zoo and to DJ MIXX for Jamming out, and a Big Shout out to Chris and Linda for taking all the pictures,And Amy from LcCreations for Making our Wonderful Team Audrianna Tshirts, omg i hope i covered everyone!!!!!! Oh wait no i didnt, Thank You to Caroline and Dave Dohrman for coming out to celebrate even though i know it had to be rough for them to be there, we LOVE YOU!!Thank You Dr.Tom and Laura for coming out she loved having you there.And Thank You to ALL of my WONDERFUL FAMILY MEMBERS AND BEST FRIENDS that came today and helped Make this day so special for Audrianna. I LOVE YOU MOM, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!! Ok now i am also going to say thank you to everyone lol there incase i missed anyone that EVERYONE covers it. We love you all so much and Audrianna's Day was perfect because you were all there to share it with her.My Wish is that we will all be able to share it next year. Goodnight everyone and to all the Mom's out there, Happy Mothers Day!!

Knoebels

2010-04-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

Audrianna went to knoebels with her Grandparents today and she had the best time! AWhen she got home she told me she rode the roller coaster with Poppy and she had her hands in the Air lol and poppy yelled but she didnt, hehe gotta love a 3yr old. She also went on the train which is one of her favorites and she did the cars and the whip with her uncles. Audri doesnt care for the slow rides she is a daredevil and likes to go on the fast/scary thrill rides, i think its because since she has had cancer nothing else is as scary as what she goes through everyday. It is now 12:30 and she just made her dad take her to mcdonalds because she is to hungry to sleep and wanted a chicken sandwich lol between McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken we are going to go broke feeding her!!!!!! I am just happy she eats and i dont care if i have to spend every last dime to give her *the fat belly* she wants. She told her doctors she needed to get a Big butt and a Fat belly so her pants stop falling off! I think by the time she comes back she will be asleep in the car and will have to eat her chicken sandwich tomorrow:) Ok im gonna post more tomorrow before we goto the hospital. night all

Very LonG Week

2010-04-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

Well we are home after a very long week and of course Audrianna didnt sleep all night because she is still on hospital time!Mommy is very tired and audri is awake and as soon as she opened her eyes she asked to go with her Poppy for the day so YAY mommy gets a bit of a break but i still have to go pick kyra up from Nana's house so i can spend the day with her.Today is our one full day home and then Sunday night we go back to the hospital to be checked in for ALL OF NEXT WEEK again for the 2nd round of this chemo. Next week is going to be very hard since Audrianna is going to get 2 chemos at the same time and the one makes her very sick and she will have to be hooked up to a pain pump the whole time to keep her comfortable.I am not looking forward to next week, watching her suffer really is the worst part of all of this. I am glad she went with her poppy today, he took her to Knoebels Amusement Park so she can ride the rides and be a kid for the day since its opening day! It's all she has been talking about for a month and i thought we were taking her but since she hasnt seen her grandparents all week she wanted to go with them and i let her so i could get laundry done to go back to the hospital and i could spend some alone time with her sister. Ok off to shower and go pick-up kyra!!!!!

Pain Ouch Pain!

2010-04-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

Audrianna is having some pain this hospital stay but not from the chemo, from the fluid retention that made the groinal hernia pop out again!!So they are treating her with Dylaudid and having a surgeon come look tomorrow to make sure its not time for surgery ughh. Mommy is in pain to because Audrianna had a top heavy IV Pole and when i was pushing it the stupid thing fell over and i had to try and catch it before she got hurt.SOOOOOO lets just say my arm is throbbing and it feels like i pulled something out of place in my shoulder and my leg is black and blue where it hit me:(
It's always something in this place and well MOMMY is CLUMSY lol so i guess i need to be more careful before i end up in the bed next to audrianna. Sigh and mommy is mad because the people at T-Mobile are IDIOTS and couldnt help me fix my phone so i cant dial out on my modem and i cant get on facebook where i can at least talk to people to try and save some of my sanity each day,sigh. If the bitching and venting on here gets to much i appologize in advance but well i dont have anywhere else to vent to. Audrianna is finally sleeping peacefully so i guess i should go get some sleep since its the first night of our stay that she has been asleep before 4am and i am so exhausted but my brain is on over-ride and wont shutoff because im over-tired:( Oh well off to try and shut off my brain....Night All

Bad Day,Better night

2010-04-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

This day started out really bad, we found out Audrianna has to be here till friday then she gets to go home and has to come back Sunday night to be readmitted for another week. PLUS our dates with the hospital that we gave to make-a-wish were all wrong due to an error so now we have to cancel our trip and redo all our plans grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!MOMMY was mad and on a rampage today and then i left the hospital for a while took a deep breathe and went to a jewelry fundraiser for audrianna.I want to say thank you to Robin Gruver for holding the fundraiser and to all the people that came out to support audrianna and our family!! Lynn again thank you for the beautiful video of our daughter its something we will always cherish.Thank You to Maria who lost her aunt and instead of flowers asked everyone to make a donation to audrianna, i cried so hard when i read that, everytime someone does something amazing like this it redeems my faith in people.Thank You to the 11th Graders from Holy Reedemer Academy(hope i spelled that right)who took time out of there busy social lives to come to the hospital tonight and meet me and audrianna and there wonderful teacher who brought them! This day started out bad but it has gotten better thank god for all of you who help me keep my sanity. Now i must get off here and go finish making audrianna's potpie because she is awake and hungry!

Calm Now

2010-04-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ok now that Audrianna has recieved pains meds and is sleeping i have had time to calm down and stop hating the world.It's very hard to watch your child suffer and not be able to do anything about it. Not only is she in pain and suffering but the boredom is driving her crazy, she cant stand being locked in this room.The doctors have decided that if she does ok through the night then she can take a portable monitor with her to the playroom with her nurse so she doesnt have to be locked in the room for the whole 5 days!!!!!! Thank You God for listening because otherwise we were both going to lose our minds.These rooms are small to begin with and then when you cant leave they get even smaller. I have been trying to keep her positive all day and give her things to occupy her mind but mostly it didnt help:(I am really just praying she has a quiet night and tomorrow she can take a walk to the playroom and make herself happy because i cant stand seeing her sad! I am hoping i can sleep tonight,we have a very nice nurse name Meg buti am still uncomfortable having a nurse sitting in the room while i try and sleep,sigh,guess i need to get over myself.Ok i am going to try and get some sleep before audrianna wakes up crying for me because im not laying in her bed. Night all keep praying for us!Love Audrianna and her Mommy!

GRRRRRRRRRRR HOSPITALS

2010-04-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

Ok so we were told to checkin to the hospital sunday night so that her chemo could start bright and early monday morning...YEAH RIGHT. Her chemo orders were messed up so they didnt start it till 2p, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i am so frustrated. Oh and then they tell us oh by the way this is a continuous 96hr chemo and she cant leave her room because she has to be on the monitor for the next 4 days straight omg im ready to hang someone right now.SOOOOOO on top of all that we have to have a nurse in the room round clock 24/7 which means no privacy whatsoever uughh uughh uuggh. I feel like crying,audrianna is crying and this stay is already crap!!!

Nana's Bday and Weekend with Family

2010-04-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Audrianna had a very nice weekend with out family from New Jersey that came to visit for her Nana's Birthday.She has her up and down moments where she feels GREAT and then she feels YUCKY but she still manages to be a kid and have a good time. She loves her Aunt Liz, Aunt Lovie, Aunt Gail, Aunt Pammy and Cousing Jen and had a great time visiting with all of them.She is a little sad today because they are all going home but she knows she will see them again so its ok.She had so much fun helping her Nana blow out the candles and then Making weird hats and face masks.I just wanted to quick let everyone know she is doing good!

Beautiful Birthday Dress and New Friends

2010-04-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

Audrianna had a very good day today,She got a BEAUTIFUL Ariel TuTu Dress from the Wonderful TuTu Fairy! When Audrianna tried on her dress she said look at me mommy im a princess and started spinning in circles she loved it so much.One of the best things for me as a mom is seeing that beautiful smile on her face! Some days her smiles are few and far between but today she smiled all day long. After getting her wonderful dress we went to Burger King where she loves to Play on the playplace and we met some new friends.Riley and her Aunt Sandy came to vist and meet Audrianna.Riley is a wonderful girl 12yrs old that sings and performs and she wants to help Audrianna, and even if nothing comes of it, it was so great to meet her!Sandy and Riley brought gifts for the girls and they LOVED the bubble wands we played for hours with them thanks! Also got an awesome call today from a Hannah Impersonator from Ny who wants to come and perform for Audrianna at her Birthday Party!!!!!!!!!! So even if we dont get to meet the real Hannah THIS is going to be wonderful and Audrianna is going to be over the moon.This lovely lady and her daughter joined audrianna's wish page and then messaged us asking to do this, this renews my faith in people.Even though there are some people out there that are morons and bad mouth our family just for trying to get a WISH for our daughter, there are still people out there that understand all we are trying to do is MAKE HER HAPPY! I want to thank all of you on her wish page for helping her be happy xoxoxo we love you all!!!

Audrianna's Wish and News Coverage

2010-04-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

Ok i have to say i am completely amazed at all the wonderful people out there that are trying to help audrianna get her wish!!!!When Heather started the wish page for Audri i never expected all this attention omg in 4 days over 30,000 fans.Our Local newspapers and News Station have picked up the story and run with it, Maybe just Maybe she will get her wish after all!!!! I just want to say Thank You to EVERYONE that is trying to make this happen for my beautiful babygirl. I also want to thank all the people offering to do fundraisers and helping to raise money for her medical expenses.It has been a year since Audrianna's diagnosis and it has not been an easy ride and it has been very financially draining on our family, so the outpouring of help from all of you touches my heart in a way that i cant even describe.I am sitting here completely choked up writing this, the feelings i have right now im not even sure i can put into words other then.....GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
Love the Bartol Family

MRI Results

2010-04-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

We got a phone call at 8:30am this morning from Doctor Ramdas to let us know the MRI was CLEAR!!!He says because this scan is clear they are going to keep her on the ILP Chemo that she has been on and then they will test her again soon.The spots they say on the MIBG scan may have just been Hot Spots in the original tumor beds but it does not look like at this time that they are NEW TUMORS!! I am thrilled for my baby but i am also afraid to believe it, with Neuroblastoma your always waiting for the other shoe to drop.The Mom part of me is jumping up and down for JOY that after a full year she may be on the path to recovery. The Cancer MOM part of me is terrified that this to could be something temporary and the next test could show something different....BUT im shutting the cancer mom part of me up with CHOCOLATE and im thinking POSITIVE!!!!!! lmao
Thank You all so much for Your love and Prayers and please continue to pray for her as her battle is far from over!!!!

MRI TOMORROW

2010-04-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

Audrianna is going for her MRI tomorrow to see the new tumors in her Liver and on her Vena Cava with a closer look and hopefully find out if they can be biopsied to see if they are live or dead cells and if the treatment she is on is working or if we need to switch to a new course, please keep her in your prayers tonight!This has been a very scary 2 weeks not knowing what course of action they are going to take for our girl:( all we know is they are tellin us not to wait on things like her make-a-wish, to do them as soon as we can.As a mom this terrifies me because if they are saying to move things up so she doesnt miss them it makes me feel lik they are preparing for the worst.The doctors say its because the course of treatment she is going to undergo could make her ill and she wont want to go anywhere later, either way its very scary!I am terrified of the results of this MRI although i feel in my heart that the tumors are going to be live cells just like they originally said and i cant make myself think otherwise because then if/when they are live cells id be devestated all over again.Being the parent of a critically ill child SUCKS,there is no way around it, you have to make decisions and here things that no parent should ever have to do. No Parent should ever have to outlive there child and no parent should have to watch there child suffer.Ok just sitting here talking about this im getting hives im so freaked out so its time to log off. Thank You all in advance for your prayers!
P.S.
Im Adding a family picture of all of us at EASTER so everyone can see how beautiful her and her sister were!

Good day with family

2010-03-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

Audrianna's night didnt go so well with all the pain from the chemo but she has had a good morning so far,her cousins came to visit this morning.Our family is so spread out that we dont get to see alot of them and abby and tyler live in virginia beach with there mom,stepdad and new baby brother Abram.Today Audrianna and I got to see all of them and hold the new baby, she was thrilled to hold a new baby and play with her cousins.Today for 2hours she was a normal kid, playing ball in the hallway and coloring with Abby and Tyler.Tyler was being goofy just to make her laugh and hearing her laugh again gives me hope.The resiliance of a child is amazing,her body is in pain but her spirit is not.I cried in the bathroom where she couldnt see me while she was laughing and playing with her cousins, i cried with grief and joy,joy that she was so happy and grief that this laughter might be something that is going to be so far apart.She is so tired after playing and with the chemo running but she is fighting it because she knows other people are coming to visit her today.She also doesnt want to drink and has developed a bad cough that the doctors are watching:( But at least for 2hours she got to dance and laugh!

Bad Night

2010-03-30T13:28:00.001-07:00

Audrianna had a very bad night the chemo she is recieving right now is very harsh and the pain in her belly was very bad.She is on a Dylaudid Pain Pump and it still wasnt helping her, the doctors say the pain she is having is Like when a diabetic has Neuropathy in there feet except its all over her body and 100 times worse:( I have Neuropathy from my diabetes and i know how bad i hurt so i cant even imagine the pain my baby is going through right now:( Today they have upped her pca so that her dose of Dylaudid is double what she was getting last night and it seems to be helping some but she is still complaining about the belly pain. The doctors still havent decided what course of treatment they are going to use to fight these 2 new tumors, they are consulting the Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia where Audrianna recieved her stem cell transplants and the Childrens Oncology Group to see which is the best course of action for her.One of our Docs is very blunt and always give you the news straight forward and told us yesterday that since she already underwent 2 stem cell transplants if the MIBG Therapy didnt work then we would be taking her home to let her be a kid for as long as she could before she got to sick to play with her sister:( I am hoping and praying that this doesnt happen and this therapy works for her. I dont know how to do this, i dont know how to start preparing myself that this might be the end so im going to keep looking forward and not think that way because she is a Fighter, she fought so hard to get here she can fight to kick it again. As her mom Im TERRIFIED that i may lose my child but i also know that i cant let her or her sister see that and i have to smile and go on with life because thats what she needs from me. No matter how upset i am this is about my girls not about me. I will try and update more later i need to get back to the room and sit with her during her chemo, thank you all for your kind words and prayers we love you!

Sad day

2010-03-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

Sadly we were told by the doctors today that Audrianna has relapsed.The MIBG scan showed 2 new tumors, one wrapped around her vena cava and one in her liver.They arent sure if surgery is an option to remove them or not. Right now they are keeping her on her Protocol and running the ILP chemo and hoping since the tumors are small that it might kill them. If this doesnt work we will be going back to CHOP for MIBG Therapy and if that doesnt work we will be going home to let her be a child for as long as she has left on this earth. I am trying so hard to be optimistic and hopeful but its really hard for me right now. Everytime i look at her i think but she looks so happy, she has hair, how can there be something else threatening her life again!!!! And then i think F*ck you Neuroblastoma you rotten B*stard grrrrr stay away from my child. My child is supposed to grow up and find a cure for cancer you cant take her now.I am praying very hard to audri's angels up in heaven to watch out for her...Kelly, Tanner,Hudson,Ashley please make sure you watch over her for me,whether it be here on earth or in heaven i need to know you are taking care of her.I need to get back to her right now but i will post more later and let everyone know her progress:(

MIBG SCAN Not the News we wanted

2010-03-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

You would never know by looking at my child, other then the semi-bald head that she isnt healthy but today we were told she has spots on her liver which could mean the cancer is back.This is every parents worst nightmare, relapse. We were told there was a 90 percent chance she was in remission because her last 2 CT scans were clear and not to worry about the MIBG because if the CT is clear the MIBG is usually clear and she would be in remission. YEAH RIGHT!!! As an NB Mom or any Mom of a child with a life threatening disease You NEVER stop thinking in the back of your head that things can come crashing down in an instant. Today we were expecting to hear N.E.D. and instead we heard Liver Lesions(or howerver you spell it) and in an instant everything changed, all the Fear of the last year came rushing back and when i looked at my child, just for a minute i lost the faith that has been keeping me standing. I lost the faith to believe that this was NOTHING that just because there is a spot doesnt mean its Cancer, I lost the faith to believe that God is going to get her through this and i was SO DAMN ANGRY AT GOD FOR NOT KEEPING HER SAFE!!!! Uggh i know that this horrible disease is not anyones fault it's just something that happens, but that is so much easier to rationalize when its not Your Child!!! I cant let my baby see me cry because then she worries and im supposed to be strong for her, but it is so hard to be strong all the time. We have so many friends and family praying for her and pulling for her that she just has to beat this is what i tell myself, that with so many prayers how can god not hear us and heal her?? And yet while im having those thoughts i also think about all the NB Angel's god has given wings in the last year, and then i try not to crumble all over again. I know every child is different and every case is diferent, logically i know that, but my heart and my head are so not working together right now. My heart is terrified that i will lose her, my head says dont worry she will be fine, which one do i listen to?? I wish someone out there could help me understand why this nasty disease called Cancer is in our world AND why if children are innocent and without sin do they get cancer and die?? Ok i guess i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize my child is healthy today and this could be nothing and start doing something to make myself feel better....thank you all for your prayers:) I am attaching a picture of Audrianna and one of her best friends Emily Donovan who had her last chemo yesterday and also needs prayers to make sure her MRI comes back clear next month!!!!

Good News

2010-03-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today was a very long day driving to Geisinger for the injection for Audrianna's MIBG Scan which she gets tomorrow. I had to Hunt down and Badger Dr Taylor but i finally got him to show me the CT Scan and tell me that there were no known signs of Neuroblastoma on the scan!!! Tomorrow is the big day we have the MIBG and the Bone Marrow tests to see if she is clear. Please god let her be clear, its almost a year and its time for her to be a healthy little girl again. I am so sick to my stomach thinking about tomorrow, just because the CT came back clear doesnt mean the MIBG will and it scares me to death that i may have gotten my hopes up for nothing. And i also know that just because she is clear now doesnt mean she will stay that way forever because Neuroblatoma is a tricky bastard and it hides and then our babies can relapse:( BUT god willing that will NOT HAPPEN to my child.Audrianna has alot of Angels up there watching out for her. Tanner, Hudson, Kelly,Ashley,Layla,Sophie, they will all make sure she pulls through this and continues to make the world a better place with her smile. My heart goes out to all the parents that have had there babies become Angels, i cant say i know what they feel everyday, but i can say i understand the fear they must have felt along the way:(
Ok i am going to goto bed now since tomorrow is going to be a very very very long day. I will post as soon as we know any results and thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers! Love Audrianna and Kyras Mommy:)

Mommy Day

2010-03-21T20:22:00.001-07:00

Today was a very relaxing day for mommmy. Both the girls went to Poppy and Grannys house and mommy got to clean up and rearrange the furniture finally! Then i went shopping with my girlfriend michele and her daughter and out to eat without a child crying mommy get this for me or mommy she spilled my milk or mommy can i eat your food!! LOL i LOVE my girls more then anything in the world but every once in a while everyone needs a mommy break.By the time i came home the girls were asleep because poppy dropped them off to daddy and he put them to bed.I NEVER miss bedtime so i was a little sad about not kissing them goodnight but on the other hand it was very nice to just come home and sit down, watch tv, go on Facebook, check my email and do the blog without anyone crying.Tomorrow is Kyra's daycare day so we will be up and out of the house early to drop her off and then Audrianna and i will find something to do together till its time to pick sissy up. Kyra goes to daycare twice a week when we arent at the hospital just so she can stay in her routine for the times we are at the hospital.Kyra loves her daycare and all her friends and she waves by to me when she gets there and is happy to be with her friends till i come back which i am thankful for everyday. One of my friends owns the daycare and she is a WONDERFUL WOMAN (Love ya Tracy)who took my kyra free of charge because she knew we couldnt afford to pay and that Kyra needed some type of structure in her poor little life.It's people like Tracy and all the othe *Angels* in our lives that have given me back the faith i had lost in the world, they made me believe there are still good people out there. Anyway time for Mommy to get some rest night all:)

Easter egg hunt and Easter Bunny

2010-03-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Last year for Easter we were in the hospital being diagnosed with Neuroblastoma and my daughter cried not because she was sick but because she was afraid the bunny wouldnt be able to find her! This year for Easter we are waiting for results to tell us if she is N.E.D. AND she got to goto an Easter Egg Hun and Meet the Easter Bunny!!!!! What a difference a Year makes and i am so thankful to the powers that be for letting her have this experience today, for giving her quality of life this Easter so that she could meet the bunny. It's funny because we are going into the hospital on the 29th of march to start the immunotherapy and we will be home 2 days before Easter and again all she was worried about was missing the bunny lol but i had to promise her we would be home and get to spend it with her sister this year....SO GOD....NO SURPRISES....Dont make me have to break that promise or ima get medieval on your Arse!!!!!!
Ok now that im totally exhausted after a very long fun filled day with my girls and some awesome friends its time to call it a night!

Waiting Sucks!!!!

2010-03-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

Well we waited all day for the Doctor to call us and NOthing not a damn word grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.The worst part of this Horrible nasty god forsaken disease is the waiting. Waiting to know if the biopsy came back as cancer, waiting to know if the chemo is working, waiting to know if the 8hr surgery for the tumor disection worked,waiting to see if the stem cell transplants worked,waiting waiting waiting grrrrrrrrrr. It seems like in the last year ALL we have done is wait!I am so sick of waiting i could screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I just want to know if my baby is Better,I just want to be able to say to her YOU DID IT, YOU BEAT CANCER!! Dammit i don't want to wait anymore and now i have to wait till Monday, sigh. I know that just because they tell us she is N.E.D. doesnt mean she is out of the woods, it doesnt mean it cant come back, BUT it does mean its gone for NOW and now is all we can ask for. In the world of pediatric cancer, or any life threatening pediatric disease for that matter all we can do is live for the NOW and never take anything for granted. If you child feels good that day, you feel good that day.What i learned through this Journey is live for today because tomorrow may not come and maybe thats why the waiting drives me so crazy, what if im so busy waiting that i miss something important in her life! Ughh im in a really bad, scared, cranky mood and maybe i just need to take my pissy ass to bed! Night all xoxo thanks for keeping up with us!

Fundraiser for Audrianna

2010-03-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today one of the *Angel's* we have met along the way during Audrianna's Journey let us know that she designed a dress and there will also be a matching tote for Audrianna and she is going to do an Online Fundraiser for her!!! People like Robbin Kizer from One Child Too Many, Heather Liley from Pick Your Pocket Studio,Amy from LC Creations,Pam from if the bow fits,Kim from the Blanket fairy, They have all given me back the belief that there are good People in this world still.I just wanted to say THANK YOU to each and every one of them and all the other people out there that have helped my baby through this journey.Sometimes the smallest things can make a child smile and thats all it takes to make everyone around them feel good. My daughter didnt have alot to smile about in the last year but she did it anyway and now thanks to all these beautiful people she has alot to smile about. Audrianna is waiting for the Mailman everyday, she cant wait to get her beautiful hats, bows and dresses, AGAIN thank you all. And ROBBIN a special thank you to you for helping us financially when we had to stay in a hotel away from home for 4 weeks and couldnt afford to do it on our own, your foundation which is new and doesnt have alot of money yet, still managed to help us and we love you for it!!!!
Ok i guess im done being sappy and here are the details of Audrianna's fundraiser and the link to her BEAUTIFUL DRESS!!!

Heather Lilley from Pick Your Pocket Studio Is doing a Fundraiser for Audrianna and the dress she has made is ready so they can start taking orders now! $10 from each dress will be donated towards Audrianna's medical expenses. If you would like to order your very own dress, please visit her website. Shipping time is about 3 weeks, but should get shorter as they have taken on a 3rd seamstress. Thanks!(I cant seem to get the hyper link to work so you can click it so please just copy and paste it to your browser to see the dress) http://pickyourpocketstudio.com/audrianna-p-111.html

Day at the Hospital

2010-03-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

So today was a very long stressfull day. We had to be at the hospital by 10am and we didnt leave the hospital till almost 5pm. Audrianna couldnt eat all day because she was going to be sedated at 3pm for a Cat Scan soooooo needless to say she was very miserable because she wanted food.Mommy and Daddy couldnt eat either because its just RUDE to eat in front of your child that cant have anything even if Your starving and you have diabtes and are supposed to eat every few hours.So by the time we left the hospital we were all starving and cranky but we went to Audrianna's favorite chinese buffet and she had the Hibatchi guy cook shrimp with brown sauce for her and then everyone was happy!! Now we WAIT for the results of the CT to see if they find anymore tumors(god please dont let that happen) or if they see nothing at all!! Then Next week we have the MIBG Scan and if both are clear she will be N.E.D.(no evidence of disease).Then we are having the biggest bday party for her in May and its going to be a bday/I kicked cancers Ass party!!!!!!!!!!! So everyone please keep your fingers crossed and your prayers coming that my beautiful little girl comes through this horrible disease on the Good side and we can have one more Warrior not one more Angel gettin her wings:)

Sisterly Love

2010-03-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

Audrianna is a a Great big Sister! Her little sister Kyra just turned 2 on march 7th and they are the best of friends.Whenever we have to go away to the hospital Audrianna asks for Kyra everyday so we have to call her and go on webcam so they can see each other. Kyra wakes up every morning and says Where's Audri. They are 22 months apart and people ask me all the time if they are twins because Kyra is the same size(and have to be dressed exactly alike or it causes HUGE fights) as Audrianna now since her sister hasnt really grown very much in the last year.We are going to be heading back to the Hospital on March 29th for a week for Audrianna's first dose of the ILP Therapy which is a 5 days infusion of medicine and i worry how us leaving is going to affect poor Kyra yet again.Everyone puts all there attention on the child that's sick and we tend to forget the ones that get left behind. I worry everyday that Kyra will grow up to resent her sister and me, but i also pray to god that since she is so small she won't remember much of this!I hope that everyone that Prays for Audrianna to get well will also Pray for her sister to come through this without scars.

Audrianna's Journey

2010-03-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

My Daughter Audrianna who is 3 1/2 yrs old, she was diagnosed with Stage IV High Risk Mync Amplified Neuroblastoma on April 8th 2009 which was 1 month before her 3rd Birthday.Audrianna had a tumor that took up 90% of her stomach and was wrapped around her vena cava and had metastisized into her lungs, liver, kindneys and bones. Lets just say her doctors told us her diagnosis was not good and that we had a very tough fight on our hands. Since she was diagnosed she has undergone 6 rounds of chemo and surgery to remove her turmor.The chemo managed to get rid of all the spots she had in her organs and the only thing other then the tumor she ended up losing was her left adrenal gland which she can live without. After her surgery she underwent 2 stem cell transplants because thats what her protocol called for.She just finished 4 weeks of radiation and now we are waiting 2 weeks before we go back for her MIBG Scan and Her CT scan to see if she is N.E.D. Then at the end of the month we start acutane,immunotherapy and ILP.Audrianna still has about another 6 months of treatment even if she N.E.D(no evidence of disease)One of the side effects of the chemo was hearing loss, not total hearing loss just her high frequencies, my husband was very bothered by this but as far as im concerned wearing a hearing aide and being alive is Great!I am telling her story so that other parents out there can see that no matter how bad it looks when your child is diagnosed with cancer the future can be brighter and you should never give up Hope.

Angela aka Audrianna's Mommy