Bad Day for Mommy

Some days its just really hard to be a mom and thats for any mom not just me. BUT when your a mom with a sick child and a healthy child who is always fighting for attention because the sick child gets alot and they want what she has, some days its so hard to just not sit down wherever you are and just cry and never be able to stop.Audrianna is so spoiled from being sick because its just been her and me for so long that now she doesnt want to share me with her sister and poor Kyra has been left behind for so long that all she wants is the same amount of attention from mommy that her sister gets and its really hard to have them fighting all the time and not lose my mind.AND its really hard when ppl get mad at me because i give into audrianna when she cries just so i can stop her from crying or because i cant handle the tears anymore,but nobody else has to live in my shoes and nobody else has to deal with it day in and day out everyday. I feel like i cant take my children anywhere sometimes without people looking down on me because of how they behave and im always being told NOT TO SPOIL THEM but omg my child has Cancer, which may or may not be terminal how do i not spoil her?? What if tomorrow she isnt here and all i can think of is the things i didnt give her? And i know i spoil Kyra too because i dont want her to be left out and uugggh sorry its just been a rough day.Can my kids be bad...YESSSSSSSSS....But are they 2 and 4...YESSSSSSSSSSSS....is it there job to be whiny and cranky and spoiled and fight with each other...YESSSSSSSSSS...so why cant everyone just realize that and leave me alone??I dont take them alot of places by myself because its to hard to cut myself in 2 trying to hold them both and take care of them both when they are whining and because i get tired of everyone looking at me like im a bad mom. I try so hard to be a good mom and give them both all the things i never had and some days it would just be nice to be appreciated and hear someone say, Hey Your a Good Mom and have them mean it. All i have done for hours now is cry over every little thing because i cant seem to pull myself up out of the depression that has hit me today and i cant stop thinking of all the things im constantly told i do wrong or i need to do different when i think im a good mom and im doing the best i can with the circumstances that have been dealt.BLAH sorry for this long crappy post but i needed to vent somewhere and since i dont have anyone to talk to this is where i put all the emotion nobody cares to listen to. Sigh im gonna log off now before everyone that does read my blog stops because they dont want to read this kind of crap.You all want to know how Audrianna is doing and hear happy thoughts so here it is...she is doing great after a rough start for school today the day went well...just to let ya all know:)

Eventful Month

Ok sorry i haven't updated the blog in a while but its been a very busy and hectic month for us.Audrianna has had a whole month off from being in the hospital so we have been running running running to do things she wants to do.We went to Oncology Night at the Philadelphia Zoo and got to see some of the wonderful people that we met when we were in CHOP getting her stem cell transplants. Audri and Kyra loved the animals and had a great time, MOMMY loved seeing them smile and being with the other wonderful families that we now call *Family* again and seeing all our kids doing well.After that fun filled even we went to Sesame Place and the girls got to meet Abby Caddaby and Elmo, our dear friend Marietta sent us in a LIMO so that we wouldnt have to worry about driving there and back with 2little kids and fighting the traffic in Philadelphia.Audrianna and Kyra LOVED Sesame Place and we had the best day...we love you Marietta and thank you so much for making my girls so darn happy!! Then we had an awesome Fundraiser in Ronkonkoma NY that was hosted by our dear friend Gwen Cardaci and she managed to get her friend Aaron Carter to come out!!!!!!! Audrianna and her sister Both Love Aaron to pieces and he is now *Uncle Aaron* because to them he isnt someone Famous he is just a great guy who came out and sang and played on the floor with them with there coloring books:) We Love You Gwen and Aaron and thank You so much for making my family so happy, because believe me Happy isnt something we have had alot of since Audrianna was diagnosed with this Horrible Disease.After our Awesome day we drove into New Jersey and along the way got lost in Manhattan lol it was pouring rain and we couldnt see i n front of us but after we passed times square 3 times we finally found our way...YAY....gotta laugh about it because it was just one of those memories you wont forget. We spent the next day in the rain on the pier in Point Pleasant NJ and the girls got to goto the aquarium and ride all the rides(with a free pass we got from Give Kids The World when we stayed there for audri's Make-A-Wish) and even though it rained and it could have been a cranky miserable day...we just laughed it off and made the best of it and had a good time. THANKFULLY we drove home that night because the next morning my truck wouldnt start uughh the fuel pump went and cost us $500 to fix BUT again it could have been worse we could have been stranded in NJ and waiting for it to be fixed at a garage there, so we were just glad to be home when it happened.TODAY Audrianna started Pre-K which for Our Family is a HUGE Milestone considering when she was diagnosed in April of 2009 we were told she might not make it to her 3rd bday which was a month away and now she has made it to 4 and been cleared by her docs to start school...thank you god....she loved her bus driver and her teacher but she wasnt so sure about school till her *Boyfriend* Nathan sat down next to her and told her not to cry he would show her that school was ok....Thank God for the sincerity of 4yr olds and thank You so much Nathan we love you *Dawg*...Right now we are just trying to be a *Normal* family for as long as we can. In September the week of the 7th audrianna will be going through all her testing/scans to see if the tumor they found 6mnths ago is gone or not, but for now she looks good, feels good and we are just taking it one day at a time. If CANCER has taught us anything it's that You need to Live for today and LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING because you never know if tomorrow you will be. I just wanted to Thank everyone for all there love,support,prayers and ask you all to keep praying for Audrianna and hope to god we here the words N.E.D(no evidence of Disease) when she gets her new scans in september. BUT as a NB Family we know that even if you are N.E.D. today doesnt mean you can breathe easy because it can always sneak up on you and come back, BUT you take N.E.D. for as long as you can and you take one step/one fight at a time.We love you all...Goodnight!

Friends who become Family

Along the way in this journey that our family has taken we have met alot of wonderful people.I tell people all that time that before this experience it Thought i had friends, but now i know i have FAMILY.Alot of the friends i thought i would have forever and throughout my kids lives we lost when audrianna got sick and believe me we have heard every exscuse under the sun,from *it hurts us to see her like that* We dont know how to explain why she is bald to our children*It's just to painful for us to watch her suffer* and so on and so on.BUT then there are people that i hadnt talked to in 20yrs that saw my daughters story on facebook and went out of there way to contact me, help us with fundraising and things like that, people from high school that i had lost touch with and now because of my beautiful daughters fight they are back in my life and i am thankful. BUT most of all there is Our new *HOSPITAL FAMILY* All the people/children/moms/dads/siblings you meet along the way, and believe me they are now my best friends and definately my family.I have met so many wonderful moms and dads with there beautful children fighting horrible diseases and without there love and support i dont think id have made it through this last yr and a half.They give me the most Joy and the Most sorrow along the way,Joy when something GREAT happens such as one of *our* kids goes N.E.D and sorrow when we lose one of*our*kids to this nasty horrible disease called Cancer, or HLH,or Auto-Immune disease or Crohns or any of the other Horrible dibilitaing diseases our babies have. I just wanted to tell ALL of my friends/family that i love and appreciate you all so much!!! My Mom and my Stepdad John have been ROCKS through all of this, i never could have made it without them. Tracy from my daughters daycare who has medical problems of her own but puts them aside everyday to help others and who stepped up to help me when we needed it most. Michelle who has been there for me every step of the way...Dena my best friend and partner in crime always lol who is also Audrianna's godmother and does everything she can to make her happy and help keep her healthy.Gail Wright who kept me sane many a night when BOTH of our babies we fighting Neuroblastoma together,Janet Donovan who is fighting her own fight with our precious Emily's brain cancer who keeps me grounded,Caroline Dohrman who lost her precious boy to Neuroblastoma and is the STRONGEST Person i know because she walks back into that hospital to visit and she smiles and brings a smile to my baby's face even when being there has to make her sad:( Becky Blair who was the first NB mom i ever met and who shared her precious LULU with me and showed me that NB can be beaten, Reanne Waters whose precious Madacyn is fighting A.L.L. and who worries as much as i do so i dont think im crazy!!!Tara Kachurka whose baby emalee has NB and is undergoing stem cell transplant as we speak,Tisha whose son Karson has NB and we love so much, Jessica whose daughter Sophia has A.L.L and is undergoing a BMT right now, Jess whose Beautiful Daughter Kelsey has A.L.L and is heading to C.H.O.P for a BMT,these are the moms from Audrianna's Hospital and i love them all SOOOO MUCH And then we have our C.H.O.P. family who helped us through the ROUGHEST TIME in audrianna's treatment her stem cell transplants...(((LEE))) I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER(((Marti))) Your one of the best friends i ever had and i am so glad Macey is N.E.D.(((Rebecca))) I am so glad Jack is N.E.D.(((Shana)))i am over the moon that the BMT took and Maya is doing well(((Mandy and Bonita)))My sisters from another mother lol i am so glad Jess is doing great!((Ed))i am thrilled Maks is doing well(((Carol)))You kiss my Saniya for me i love You Both!(((Sledzinski Family)))Your Kelly was our inspiration and now she is our guardian Angel, Thank You for sharing her with us and thank You all for continuing to be a part of audrianna's Life!!! The picture im sharing on this post is Audrianna and Caine*Bubba*Wright her BFF for life who fought the fight of NB with her and who is now in Remission xoxoxo we love you Bubba!!

Stressfull week

This has been a very stressfull week in our house. Audrianna is alot of work by herself with the line care and the medicine and then add in a sick 2yr old and UUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh and did i say UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH? Also we have the worry for Audri and Kyra's Poppy who is in Manhattan at the VA Hospital and just had Major surgery to remove an aneurism off his Aorta in his tummy:( Poppy is in ICU right now and will remain there for a few days and then have at least 2 weeks of recovery time and he is very far from home and alone so please everyone keep him in your prayers:(....Thankfully today Kyra seems to be feeling better and we got to go out of the house and meet some nice people. Ellen at The Cyber Calf Restaurant was very sweet to the girls today and made sure they both got cream of broccoli soup and she humored Audrianna when she decided she didnt like turkey and wanted ham on her sandwich instead! Mike and Tony from Wazl came and met Audrianna and had her sign some of her Audrianna Bracelets for them with her initials! She was thrilled someone wanted her autograph lol it was really cute and it made her day. The Cyber Calf is selling Audrianna's Bracelets and her Vinyl Window stickers all you have to do is stop in and ask for them if you live locally. After the cafe we went to Nana's House for a bit, then we went to the Bizarre in the heights and let the girls play a few games, eat some food and dance. Once we left there we picked up Daddy from work, went to Bonanza for dinner with our favorite waitress there Rhonda and had a nice talk with an old friend Bernadette:) So the night ended on a better note then the day started THANK GOD. Going to put the girls to sleep right now and have them pray for poppy's speedy recovery...Night all!

Been a While

Hi Everyone,
I know i havent posted in a while but its been a very busy summer for us so far. Audrianna is doing very well right now, she completed her last round of chemo 2 weeks ago and we have been hitting the amusement parks since then!!!! The first week of september we will be getting new scans to find out if the tumor they found 6 months ago is gone or if its still growing. Audrianna's doctors are very optimistic and we are all hoping to here the words N.E.D.(no evidence of disease). It's very hard for me as a mom to get my hopes up because it seems like everytime that i do there is more bad news, so right now we are just living for today and hoping that tomorrow is as bright as right now.Audrianna is going to start Pre-school on August 25th which is a HUGE step for our whole family especially considering when she was diagnosed we didnt know if she would make it a month to her 3rd bday so this is an awesome Milestone!!!!! I want to thank all of you that pray for her daily and to everyone out there that has supported our family through all of this, Your love and support has helped keep us going. On a sad note another beautiful little girl named Katie passed away today from this Horrible disease called Neuroblastoma and our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with her family right now:(http://ourturkey.blogspot.com/ please pray that her parents and little sister can make it through this:(
I am thankful everyday that Audrianna seems to be getting better but omg the fear of relapse is never and i mean NEVER far from the front of your mind when your child has cancer:( I am including a picture of Audrianna and 2 of her beautiful friends from the Hospital. Karson is 18months and has Neuroblastoma like Audrianna and Sophia is 1yr old and has A.L.L Leukemia...these are Audrianna's Babies as she calls them lol!!!!
On a brighter note i added pictures of the Team Audrianna Bracelet and Vinyl Window sticker here and you can just click the paypal button to pay for them to make everyones life easier!
Thank You.....Angela aka Audrianna and Kyra's Mommy